Chapter 56.
Sam went looking for Dean or Cas and found neither in the bunker. His first thought was to check the cars. Both were there. While he was there, he fixed the ignition on Cas's car.
He sent a text to Dean, "Is Cas with you?"
A moment later, there was a reply, "Stop worrying. We took a walk."
"Sorry." he sent.
Paul was talking to Jules now. He went over to them. "Paul," he said, "Do you feel like playing for some of the dances tomorrow?"
"A stinkin' angel broke my fiddle." said Paul.
"I borrowed one for you and one for Greg." said Sam, "Jack says you can play."
"Greg and I will play any time you like." said Paul.
Sam went to the Impala and got the two fiddles out. "Take care of them, they have to go back, but I'll buy you one each when I can." He gave them to Paul.
Jules smiled at Sam. "You always come up with what we need, don't you, Sam?"
"I have to do something to be useful around here." he said.
"You're the best leader I've ever served under." she said.
He felt a little uncomfortable with that word still, but it was the one they chose to use, that and "chief" and the latter made him even less comfortable. He deferred to Bobby or to Dean out of habit, but they themselves refused to allow that and they would wait for his decision.
He walked around the garage, looking at ribbons and lights and baskets of dried flowers and grasses. There were even some large, polished cart wheels here and there. Sarah and her helpers had done a great job. "This all looks great." he said.
His phone rang. Dean's name flashed up. "Hey, Dean." he said.
"Are you okay?" said Dean.
"Who's worrying now?" said Sam.
"We're at the bar." said Dean, "Come join us."
Sam didn't need to ask which bar. Dean had happily adopted the nearest one to the bunker as their default. "Okay. I'll bring the car."
"Drive carefully." said Dean, "You scratch her, there will be trouble."
A few minutes later, he went into the bar and Dean waved to him from a table. He got a beer and sat down with them. "How is everyone?" he said.
Cas looked meaningfully at Dean and Dean did a weird eyebrow shrug that suggested he was getting to it, whatever it was. He then took a long drink of beer. Finally, he put the beer down and said, "Okay. First, everything I am about to say depends on Sarah being around. Old age catches up with her, she has an accident, or she loses interest in us and everything is null and void."
That sounded hopeful, despite the depressing list of possibilities for losing Sarah. "Go on." said Sam.
"I ... " Dean stopped talking. He looked at Cas, then down at the table. He put his hand in his pocket, then said, very quietly, "I think I need to do something about the mess in my head."
"You've been making a lot of progress." said Sam.
"You mean I've admitted the mess in my head exists." he said.
"More than that." said Sam.
"Well, the details, those are between me and Sarah and I'll try not to let them get in the way of my hunting, world-saving and general Winchestering. The reason I'm telling you both about this is that first, I need you to know I am addressing the stuff you've both been wanting me to address and second, I'm hoping having told you, I will go through with it, knowing you'll call me out on it if I don't."
"Count on it." said Sam.
"I don't know if it's gonna work. Sarah thinks it will, but Sarah's expertise doesn't extend to my situation. What I know for sure is that it can't work if I won't try."
"What made you decide to try?" said Sam.
"Sarah believes in me. You two think I'm worth saving. Oh, and I'm sick of hitting rock bottom and trying to make it a new base camp. I want to wake up one day and not feel like crap. I want to know that something as broken as me can be fixed, because if I can, you two can be too."
He stared at the table for a long time, his hand still in his pocket, clutching something. "What I am ... what I became ... I didn't think I had a choice. When you're just a kid and your mom's dead and your dad is lost in some grief-trance bullshit and you've got a little brother that needs you, you don't get to stop and ask yourself, 'Is this a good coping mechanism or is this stupid?' You just do what you have to do to go on and to look after the few people you have left."
He stopped talking. Sam saw tears in his eyes. He wanted to say something to help, but he felt Dean had disconnected from them. To speak seemed inappropriate.
"I never wanted to screw it all up." he said.
At that, Sam could not keep silent. "You didn't!" he said.
"Never." said Cas.
Dean looked up at each of them and smiled slightly. "I don't know if this will work. I don't know if it can work. I don't know if there's anything left to save and I don't even know if this will make me worse and make you two wish I'd stayed as I was."
"You're still you." said Sam.
"I tried so hard to fix things alone. I tried for years."
"Yeah, I know you did." said Sam. He looked at Cas, wondering why he wasn't saying anything.
"Then I tried talking to Cas and that helped me, but hurt him. I tried talking to you. Hell, I even tried talking to Mom and Jack. And all the time, I'd swear everyone to secrecy because I couldn't let any of you see the whole truth about the mess I'd made of my life." He grinned. "Not that any of you couldn't see it anyway."
"Dean ... " said Sam.
"I've got an army around me." said Dean, suddenly making eye contact, "And what's the good of an army if you won't let them work together? So, no more secrecy. No more stupid rules. Time to trust my family."
"Really?" said Sam, "Are you sure about that?"
"No." said Dean, "But everything else I've tried has failed. Let's give it a chance."
"Of course." said Sam. He looked at Cas again. "Cas? You're in favour of this, right?"
"Yes." said Cas, "Just a little stunned that Dean is."
"Maybe he's finally figuring out his priorities." said Sam.
Dean looked into Cas's eyes. "Maybe I finally started to listen."
"I think you're making the right decision." said Sam, "And we are with you. Mom and Jack will be too and you already know Sarah is."
"I can't promise I won't chicken out." said Dean.
"I can promise we'll make that as hard as possible for you." said Cas.
"Well, you both know now." said Dean, "So we should finish our beers, go home and get some sleep." He raised his beer to Cas. "And you do whatever you need to do to relax, because tomorrow is your birthday."