XXXVII.

"Lay down—" the doctor told her as Beth tried to ease her back into the pillows as Amanda tried to leave the bed the next morning, "You should rest."

Amanda gave out a grunt, "I'm fine."

"I beg to differ," Beth said, forcing her down.

"I'm fine," Amanda repeated.

"If you keep this up, your bleeding might start again," the doctor remarked firmly, "And every time you bleed, your chances for another pregnancy lowers a bit down." Hearing the words, Amanda ceased moving.

The words sent a shiver through her spine, and Amanda had no idea why. It wasn't like that she would try to get pregnant ever again, no, this time had been enough for her, but the words had still made her freeze—trembling with fear.

She wouldn't get a child—not into this world—this madness—this madness was an one-time thing—and seriously after everything with had happened with Rick how she would ever get pregnant again—she didn't even know what they were anymore… but despite everything, letting them pushing her down, she rested back into the pillows, fear coiling into stomach like a dead stone.

Why—why on this fucking earth everything had to be this—confusing—this complicated? She missed the times when everything had been simple and clear—when words didn't hurt, when emotions didn't confuse, when people didn't disappoint, when she didn't feel like she had insides more fractured than a broken glass.

You will never believe it because no one ever loved you…

Her baby would've loved her—truly loved her just because who she was… And she would've known it…felt it, too, maternal instincts—she'd already felt it—even before she'd known it'd been there—growing inside her—she'd felt it—felt she could tear whole the world apart to keep it safe—yet she'd lost it—had failed her baby even before it born…

She shook her head again, telling herself again it was the best—some people should've never been parents, perhaps she was just one of them… Tears watered her eyes, prickling, and she was so tired of crying now.

She then saw Rick at the door, looking at the bed. Their eyes caught each other, and without a word, she just turned and lay on her other side, facing the wall. She didn't want to see him, didn't want to talk to him… She couldn't do this. They obviously couldn't do this. They were wrong for each other; they shouldn't be together. She was so tired of it, tired of constantly fighting, ripping each other apart. She just wanted it end now… She wanted old life back, her comfort zone—she hadn't had much of anything, but at least she hadn't been ending up in the infirmary three times in a week.

Rick and her—they shouldn't be together. They couldn't be together. They were a couple of those people who could never be together no matter how much they loved each other. It just didn't work, would never work with them. Rick had been right on that. It was always something with them.

And she was tired, god knew she was… As he walked to her, Beth and Denise left them alone with a muttered excuse. He must've been outside the whole night while she had been out, she knew, but he'd kept his distance since now, so she guessed he finally felt ready to face with her, and that meant he finally felt ready for a talk.

And that was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

She heard the chair besides the bed crackling as he most probably settled himself down on it, but kept staring at the wall. She hoped he would take the hint and would leave her the fuck alone, but she also knew she would never be that luck.

She heard then a soft sigh from him, and a slow murmur of her name, "Amanda…"

And it made feel so angered—tiredness turning into a fist of fury, and she was no stranger to it, too. She needed to find her balance her back, and she just couldn't do it with Rick, apparently. Everything with him felt like she tumbling down over on the rollercoaster, without any safety belt clinched around her waist. She twisted her neck backward, "Save it," she hissed, "I don't want to hear it."

"Amanda," he repeated her name, this time sterner.

She turned her head back, "Leave me alone. I'm done with it, Rick."

His hand reached out, and turned her to himself. "No. We will talk."

Amanda looked at the little white band across the lump at his forehead where she'd hit him last night. Denise must've dealt with it, and she felt—ashamed—thinking what they might've thought of it—thinking what kind of a crazy bitch Rick had for a lover—and it just made it all clearer to her— She wasn't like that, she didn't want to be like that…losing herself attacking him like a mad banshee— "I don't want to talk anymore," she said, "It's not like we're able to solve anything with talking." She shook her head, "This—this isn't working. We have to stop kidding ourselves now."

His eyes narrowed, "What do you mean?"

"I mean what I say," she shot back his words, "I'm not doing it anymore."

He gave her a look, "Do you want us to stop?" he asked, leaning down towards her, and her tears almost broke hearing the words… No, she didn't want to… she had never wanted them to stop, never—but it wasn't about what she wanted to.

"It's not about what I want!" so she told him that, "It's about what I can't. And I can't do this, okay? I just can't. We—we're…like one of those couples…you know, like in the movies—you know they love each other but they could never be together because they're so fucked up..." she smiled bitterly. Such couple they really made. "There's so much shit going on between us, we got so much issues," she went on, shaking her head, "It doesn't work," she stressed out, "We can't stop fighting. There's an army of dead out there, almost banging at the door, and instead of dealing with it, we rip each other apart…This isn't working." Her eyes held his, and repeated his words again, "You don't have time for this."

His eyes narrowing further, he leaned down on in her further, "Forget about the dead—"

She snorted out, "They're hard to forget…"

Giving her a look, he took her hand, "Amanda…yes, we got issues, but we love each other, you know it."

She pulled her hand back, "And you told me it's never gonna be enough for me!" she bit off, "Guess you were right."

He shook his head, "No. You can't do this."

"I can," she said decisively, "and I will."

"We belong to each other, Amanda," he told her then, getting closer to her, "You can't."

She fixated her eyes on his again. "Gorman always used to tell Joan she couldn't leave him because she belonged to him… Is that what you mean? I can't leave you because I belong to you, Rick?" She stared at him sternly, "I thought you're not like Gorman."

He flinched, his face closing off, his eyes turning colder, "I'm not gonna force you to anything. If you really want to finish this, we're going to finish it."

She shook her head, "I told you," she said, "What I want doesn't matter—this's how it's gonna be."

He gave her another look, long and hard, then said, "There's no going back from this, Amanda," he warned her, "If you want it to be like that, we won't talk it again. This isn't a game."

She shook her head again, "I'm not testing you, Rick. I'm done with that, too." She paused, and looked at him back, "I—I'm just t-tired." Her voice broke with the last, and she felt the tears threatening again. She brought her hand over her eyes and wiped the moist—

Looking at her, Rick finally nodded. "Okay."

Tears broke off, and she almost started crying at him—and she had no idea why—this was what she had asked for—what should've been—this was the best for both of them—this just wasn't working. It was a fact, and Amanda never denied a fact… She accepted things as they were… Shaking her head, she wiped her eyes again, "Sorry," she muttered, "It's just—" she started, but stopped. Why she was trying to explain?

God, she didn't need to explain a damn thing now. They'd broken up. They didn't need to explain shit to each other now.

God, how this was going to be now? She knew she should leave—but how?

Then Rick came closer to her again, "Amanda—just one thing. I want you to stay in. You'll come back to the house." She shook her head. "We'll find you a new room—in the other house if you want, but you'll come back." His eyes held hers, "You'll stay. This is your life, too."

She shook her head, "It doesn't work that way."

"I don't care. This is what I won't let. You'll stay." He stood up, "Ignore me all you want, but you're not going anywhere."

With that, he left the infirmary, and Amanda started crying loudly after his back.

# # #

"You did what?" Beth asked her later in the evening when they'd come back from the intersection. They- all Alexandria had gone to close the road, all except Amanda, of course.

Denise had cleared her off after the noon, warning her again to lay low, and this time Amanda was ready to listen. She'd stayed behind, started packing her things into a duffel bag, all the while trying not burst into the tears again. Luckily, she didn't have many things, so it was a short struggle, and then she went to the other house, and roomed with Tara and Carol. The women didn't make a fuss sharing the room with another person, and had kept themselves their questions, so it was also a dull affair, too.

She shrugged, settling down on Beth's bed. Rick wasn't at the house, so she'd come to see Beth. "Well, broke up," she answered, "Talked it this morning. I moved to Carol and Tara's room today."

Beth shook her head, "Amanda, why don't you talk to him?"

She smiled bitterly, "Talking doesn't work, believe me." In fact, talking had just made things worse. Come to think of it, they'd been doing just fine biting each other… when talking part had come, they had fucked it up. Perhaps they were just like wild animals, only be able to communicate either by sniffing or biting—wild animals didn't sit down and talk shit. She scoffed at the thought, smiling bitterly.

Beth gave him a look, searching, "That lump at his forehead…" she asked then, "Did you do it?"

Amanda shrugged. Beth sighed. "Why?"

Amanda looked at her friend. "He—he told me I'd never believe he loves me because no one ever loved me before."

Beth stared at her for a while, open mouthed, rather speechless, and said, "Once he said he couldn't reach you—couldn't make you believe—" The younger woman looked at her, "Was it—was it like it?"

She stood up. "I don't want to talk about it."

She just wanted to stop now, wanted how things had been before—simple and not confusing. She could deal with hard. She could deal with difficult, but she couldn't deal with this. "Amanda, why don't you believe him?"

There again, tears… but she was tired of trying to stop them either. "It's easier for you to say, Beth—" she said, shaking her head, "Everyone loves you. Everyone! Even Dawn loved you."

She scowled, giving Amanda a pointed look, "She tried to kill me."

"Yet, she loved you!" Amanda cried back. Dawn had been like a jealous boyfriend, like…Gorman, had tried to hurt Beth when her affections for the younger woman didn't return as the way she had wanted to—she'd wanted to make Beth her protégé—her adopted progeny, someone who would take over the world Dawn had tried to build after she had passed out. Amanda knew it. "You—you're wired up that way. You don't know otherwise. You're—incorruptible." She paused, giving out a sigh, "You're perfect."

In answer, Beth only gave out a sigh back. "Both you and Daryl got this thing—you both see me like an angel or something—I'm not," she said, "I'm not perfect, Amanda." She rolled up her sleeves and showed up her forearm—and Amanda stared at the faint, little scares all over her forearm, from her wrist to her elbow—"This—this was the something stupid Daryl caught me doing. I started cutting myself when Daryl didn't want to be with me. He got so afraid after seeing it—he—he stayed with me." Rolling her sleeve back, Beth walked to her, "No one is perfect."

Stopping in front of her, Beth looked at her in earnest, her hand touching at her arm, "I know you tell yourself you don't deserve this, just like Daryl used to do—but you gotta accept it now. You just need to accept it."

"Accept what?" she asked with a whisper.

"Accept that you deserve it. You deserve this, deserve love, happiness, family—everything."

"How did he—?" Amanda asked then, again her voice a whisper. She—she would like to—god, she really wanted to—she just didn't know how…

"He just stopped fighting with it," Beth only said.

Amanda let out a bitter laugh, "It's not that easy—" she shook her head, "It's not."

"It is," Beth said back, stressing out the last word, "You just don't want to admit it." She paused again, "When Daryl refused me first—he told me—he told me—the only reason I wanted to be with him was that because the world had gone mad and I lost everyone else—had no one but him and he couldn't accept it. I got so depressed—you saw how I was—felt so lonely. That was the reason why I started cutting myself—but you know in a way he was right, too. I didn't want to accept it, either, but he was right. If things wouldn't have been the way they were, me and Daryl—" She shook her head again, "Me and Daryl would've never been together. Never would've loved each other. At first, it hurt, but I accepted it, too."

"How?" Amanda whispered out again, her sight of a blur— "How did you?"

"I just did—" Beth sighed out, "There is no secret way, no answer. I'm sorry. I—just—I just thought it wasn't that important. I just wanted to be with him, all the rest to be damned."

Crying, she dropped on her knees. Beth hugged her, kneeling down, her arms circling her tightly, "Amanda, honey, you just have to accept it, too. You deserve this. Just let it go."

She passed the rest of the evening in her new room, Beth's words turning in her mind, and everything felt so—strange—the room, the bed, the curtains, the wardrobe…everything. This wasn't her life, she felt it then, it felt all wrong—like she really didn't belong here—Rick's words turning in her mind, too… This isn't your life… Then with a clarity that made her fall on the ground again, she felt it—it was wrong, felt wrong, and she knew what felt so wrong too. There wasn't Rick's scent in the room, that manly odor mixed with sweat and blood—he always had a salty scent—a scent made her feel like she was at home. The bed was different the same—and there was no cot—no baby toys scattered around— This wasn't her life, and it was a fact, too, and Amanda never denied a fact, never ran away from it, she always accepted things as the way they were—until the moment she had met Rick…

It'd been never sex between them—never, and they loved each other, and perhaps she really looked like just Lori—perhaps he was just trying to get what he couldn't have had with his old wife—but was it really that important? I just wanted to be with him, all the rest to be damned…

Then at that moment, she realized, she just wanted to be with Rick, too, all the rest to be damned. She—didn't belong here. She belonged with Rick, in her own room, at her own bed—with the man she loved…

She left the room and went to the other house. Everyone looked at her when she came back, but no one spoke, Beth only smiled—encouraging, and her eyes shining— tears in her eyes, Amanda smiled back.

She started climbing the stairs then, and went to her own room. Faltering at the doorsteps, her hand at the door's knob, she hesitated—god, this—this was going to suck. She really behaved like a crazy bitch. She'd just broken up with him this morning. For a second or so, she even thought of faking another breakdown—Daryl had gotten so frightened seeing Beth like that, and it made Daryl lost all of her reservations... Amanda had noticed it before—just hadn't understood the reason—and Beth had really done that to herself—she felt sad, but perhaps Beth was right, no one was perfect.

Her hand on the knob, she shook her head. She was being stupid again. She just needed to suck it up, and apologize to him. He said it wasn't a game, but he loved her—he could forgive her—

God, please, let him forgive me… Amanda made her first prayer after long years before she opened the door.

Rick was placing down Judith into the cot when he heard the door opening. He twisted aside, still leaning down over the cot, and seeing her at the threshold, he paused as she stepped in and closed the door behind her. Wordlessly, he slowly brought down Judith in, and straightened back.

He then turned and looked at her still in silence.

She opened her mouth—and of course, tears just followed—she shook her head, lifting her head up, breathing out— no words followed, she just cried more... So much for not getting into another breakdown…

He let out a sigh then… "Amanda—"

She rushed forward and threw herself at him. Her arms circled at his waist, she rested her head at his chest. "I—I'm sorry—" she murmured, "I—I'm so sorry."

He didn't move an inch in her embrace, his arms didn't hold her back, but he didn't step back, either. "You just broke up with me this morning," he remarked finally, words crisp and curt.

"I know—" she muttered.

"I told you there would be no going back—" he reminded her, "I told you this isn't a game."

She nodded, "I—I know. I'm—I'm sorry. You were right. That—that wasn't my life… this—this is my life. With you. It's a—fact, too." She let out another shaking breath, "I—I talked with Beth—" The rest of the words stuck in her throat, she managed to mumble out, "I—I don't want to lose you."

He let out another sigh, but still didn't hold her back. His hand reached to her chin instead, and lifting her head up, he made her look at him directly, "This—this is the last time, Amanda," he told her then firmly, "If you ever try to me break up with me again, we won't do this, do you understand?"

Quickly, she nodded. "I won't. I won't break up with you again," she said, "I—I promise."

He let out a grunt, then gave her a bit of smile, "I'm gonna hold you on it."

She raised on her toes, "You do that—" she whispered out, then asked, swallowing through a lump in her throat—She wanted him…god help her…she wanted him, all the rest to be damned… "Rick—can I—can I have my ring back?"

Rick stared at her, and started laughing, his arms finally tightened around her, and brought her closer, "Amanda Shepherd, what I'm gonna do with you?" he whispered into her ear, "What I'm gonna do with you—"

"Your wife," she whispered back before his lips found hers, "Make me your wife."

# # #

He had missed her. He'd so missed her—missed the feel of her warmness between her arms, the way she nested across his chest—her head tucked under his neck… He had no idea how Beth had managed to talk into her—but again Beth and Amanda shared a connection even before Rick had ever known her, the younger woman had even managed to talk it into Daryl, so Rick knew he shouldn't be surprised, shouldn't have felt jealous of it, either. He got Amanda back—between his arms—where she belonged—the rest, the rest they would deal with it later.

Right now, he just wanted to have her—just like he'd wished before—they still had a lot of shit they needed to work out—a lot of issues they needed to settle down—but at least she got one fact clear, finally—this was her life, and there was no going back from this.

Amanda Grimes.

Rick decided he liked the ring of it.

He held her hand, felt the touch of the metal on her finger as he clasped his fingers through hers. "This—" he warned her sternly, "This—this will never leave off your finger, Amanda."

Demurely, she nodded quickly.

Satisfied, he nodded back. He wasn't kidding there. This was the last time, he swore to himself. She'd just finished things this morning, even without letting him talk first, almost bullied him into it, throwing that bastard's name in the middle. Rick wasn't going to do that again. In almost two months, they'd had two big break ups, countless fights, one miscarriage, and they just got married. The ring would never take off her finger, never, he was adamant on it. Then he realized he gotta still find himself a ring, too. His old ring was still with him, but he couldn't dare to put it on back—Amanda might throw out another fit—and—and he didn't want to, either. This—this was a new beginning. He didn't want to…taint it with anything from his old marriage. He let out an amused scoff.

Amanda lifted her neck up, "What?"

"Nothing."

"Hmm…" she hummed softly, then lowered her head back on his chest. His hand started trailing along her back, making a curve along her spine. She shivered, and got closer to him, letting out a moan. "Denise—" she rasped out, "S-she said we should wait at least a week more…" she explained.

"'s okay," Rick mumbled, though his hand lowered over her hips backwards, and he groped her ass— "I—I've just missed you," he rasped out.

"Missed you, too," she breathed out back.

They lapsed into another silence then, one hand groping her body on its account, his other hand still playing with her hand—tucking at the ring—his wife… Perhaps—when this all settled down—when they were safe again, they would throw—a party—a small dinner party, he thought then, they'd gotten married pretty much unceremonially. He'd just put the ring on her finger as she'd smiled at him. Perhaps Amanda would even cook for them… And Rick would find a white dress for her, too… He wanted to see her in a white dress, a wedding dress, his bride—She would be so beautiful—

"How did it go today?" Amanda asked then, interrupting his rather enjoyable dreams, bringing him back to the real world.

"Good," he said, "We closed half of the road. I think we can go to the dry on the day after." He paused, his hand faltering on her hip, too, "Do—do you still want to go?" he asked, not sure if he would like to hear her answer.

She paused too, "I—I don't know. I want to—but Denise said I should lay low. If the bleeding continues, I—I might get problems with getting pregnant again," she said with a small voice.

He tensed, "Then you will stay back, Amanda," Rick told her with a voice he hoped would brook no argument, and saw her nodding quickly again, a frightful expression passing over her face.

"Okay."

Rick realized then she had been afraid—afraid of not being able to get pregnant again. Bringing his hands up, he tightened them over her, and kissed her shoulder in response. They were going to have another baby. When this all settled up, after Rick dealt with the herd, they were going to try again.

They again drifted off into silence between each other's arms, and again he felt the peace he'd felt before—outside the monsters were still there, but here at least, between each other's arms, they could pretend… they could pretend everything was going to be okay.

"Rick?" Amanda broke the silence again.

"Hmm?"

"What you said earlier—that thing between us—feeling it since I told you I'd saved some people too—did you mean it?" she whispered.

Rick bowed his head to look at her. "Have I ever lied to you, Amanda?" he asked back, then shook his head, "Yes, I meant it."

She nodded, running her eyes away, "I—I felt it too, I think—" she paused, "Sometimes—I feel like—we're alike."

He smiled, "We are—" he told her, "Only you're our better half."

She laughed back, "Me?" She shook her head, "Nope. You are the better half. I'm just the crazy bitch who tries to kick your ass occasionally."

He laughed at that, too, "I like you crazy too," he said, bowing his head again to give her a pointed look, and dropped his voice into a husky tone, "It's got a certain…appeal."

She give him a look back, then shook her head with a huff. "Yeah, I got it." She scoffed, "Men."

He let out a sigh. "Guilty as charged," he muttered. It was driving him crazy, but yes, it also got a certain appeal—being able to calm her down like this—he'd felt it when he'd gotten her pregnant that night—a certain kind of power—a strengthen—a feel of specialty—it made him feel able to—he could do this, do all these crazy shit, protect his family—Men— He let out another sigh. He was quite predictable on that. And another woman would've played it with that—Lori had tried to do it—but not Amanda. No, Amanda would've tried to get other women to play that role, but not herself.

"But you're the better half," he told her then, his voice low, but earnest, "You're a smart, capable woman with a devious mind, but you still try your best—you still care—you don't want to admit it, but you do. I know things have never been easy for you, but you don't use it as an excuse. All those people at the hospital, they wanted to stay with you." Bowing his head, he gave her a look, and saw her staring at him—an astonished expression at her face and then Rick realized—he should keep going—keep talking. He should at least make her sure that she knew it—knew it right now. Tomorrow would be too late. There would be never a time for it again, and he wanted her to know it—if—if something happened, he wanted her to know it, too.

"If you wanted, you could've made a powerful leader, but you don't care for power but yet again, when you feel you have to, you take the responsibility, try your damn best. You never give up. You want to make things better. I wanted it, too." He paused, letting a deep breath out now, "Sometimes—sometimes I feel like I'm only good for killing now." He gave out a bitter laugh, "Not even much good at it, either. But I wanted—I wanted to put it back together. I'm sorry."

"Rick—" she whispered out, tears running from her eyes.

He wiped them off. "And I made you cry again," he said with a sigh.

She shook her head, lifting on her elbow resting it on his chest. "Rick—you're not only good for killing! How can you even think like that? You've made a family out of us, you brought us together, kept us alive, safe… Even Deanne saw it. She even let you take the lead." Her eyes moist with tears, she smiled down at him, "I told you once… you're still a sucker, baby. Officer friendly."

Her smile almost blinded him as her words pierced through him—and he remembered the talk they'd shared before he had asked her to marry him… Then Rick knew, he really knew it. Catching her again, he rolled her over the bed and took her under him.

He lifted himself on his side on his elbow, too, and lightly touched her hair with his other hand. "Do you—do you want to know why I love you, Amanda?" he whispered, lowering his head toward her, "You might be the only woman in this godforsaken earth who knows me and still calls me a sucker."

And he loved her for that, loved her truly because of that, because she knew how hard it was—she knew the pain—the sacrifices it required, for that they were really alike. Despite all the blood at their hands, they'd still saved some people. She believed that, and he wanted to have it, that belief—it hurt—it hurt him—Lori had only seen a monster after he'd killed Shane. Sometimes he even wondered if Carl still blamed him for what had happened—but he wanted to believe that—believe in deep down, he was still a good guy, he was still a sucker.

"I know we're not exactly the epitome of good people, Rick," she told him then, letting out a sigh, "but the truth is they're worse people than us out there. A great deal of worse. It's not a happy thought, but well, it's what it's. We're still better than them." She snorted out, "Maybe it's just semantics. I try not to think about it." She heaved out heavily, "Having a conscience is a very messy thing."

"Yeah—" he whispered, leaning on her lips, "Life would be so much easier without it, right?"

"Yeah—sometimes it just sucks, but that's life, too," she breathed out, touching at his lips with hers, "Rick—I love you—"

"And I love you, too," he murmured back before he kissed her.

A/N: Oh my god, I finally made them to this point, someone give me a medal, please, heh :) Their affair was a tumultuous one, a very bumpy road as both Rick and Amanda have got some many shit going on, but at least she finally put the ring on her finger, and Rick actually opened up to her. That was hard, too. I just couldn't imagine Rick yammering about how amazing Amanda is before they screwed up everything first.

Now, as they're quite happy, I'm off to make them miserable again!