44
"Shit"
"Yes Owen … I believe there is some of that over here" Ianto drolled and Owen rushed over to peer down and make puking noises as he agreed that the creature had taken a massive dump after it had killed the old lady.
The owl lady that lay in a pool of blood looking like she had been run down by something big, angry and determined. Her head was stoved in and …. "So … Whatcha gonna do!"
Ianto looked at Owen blankly then raised his eyebrows.
"I mean … Weevil attack right? How ya gonna cover it up?" Owen asked as he pulled his pants up and Ianto wondered if a belt might be a wise Christmas Gift. Still time … shops don't shut 'til midnight ya know. As Ianto checked his pocket watch Owen sighed "What. Somewhere else to be other than a crime scene?"
"You said it was a weevil" Ianto muttered, still looking at the watch face.
Owen's eyes narrowed as he heard the challenge in the words and realised he may have been hasty in his decision to declare the scene so he stated to walk slowly around the body. Ianto pulled out his phone and started a polite text to a very nice Gentleman's Store he knew that would put a belt on his account, leaving the package outside the back door for him behind the bins to pick up on the way home. This was going to take a while. Ianto knew what had caused this, he had been a victim himself a few years ago, hurt like a bastard too. Of course … he did get an apology mind. Some nice chocolates too. It was the only way to kill the bloody things that were attacking at the time, Ianto did forgive him after all. Not like the old man not to stop so … maybe he didn't know he had done it this time? Last time Ianto's' scream alerting him as he had died … well … she hadn't made a sound then? Ianto pondered.
"Hey kids" Jack called out as he approached, his feet making crunching sounds in the snow as Gwen squealed in the background, falling for the third time since exiting the SUV. Still no sensible shoes that one! I mean … snowing!
"Sir" Ianto said gently, inclining his head "I believe Owen has this one."
Owen puffed ever so slightly, grinning as he continued the perimeter search now sure he was onto a winner.
"What has he given us so far?"Jack asked with glee, knowing full well by his lover's face that Owen did not have jack shit. Or … reindeer poo ….ah….there.
Owen stopped walking as he knelt to examine some little black pellets in the snow, picking one up as Ianto groaned softly and screwed his face up, finally unable to stop himself as Owen went to lick it "Poo. Owen … it's ….it's reindeer scat. Pease do not lick it like you do everything."
"Reindeer …. Awwwwww. Come on. You two sons of bitches…. This poor old lady is someone's grandma and you used her to set me up with a…a…. Santa Hit-n-Run? Seriously?" Owen howled, "It's fucking Christmas eve. How insensitive can you be!"
"There are the tracks" Jack said as he pointed near Owen "Looks like the sleigh was damaged, his sweeper didn't obliterate all of them like it usually does."
"Well … I'm not telling him. You know how he is to get of the fucking phone!" Ianto growled, his frown deepening "Will it really matter in an age where people place fake trials that he may in fact leave some real ones this year? You know he will not really care."
"Look … if's not his fault he's a little talkative towards the end of his shift … that' a lot of beer and eggnog and shit people leave out. You know mixing his drinks makes him mouthy." Jack argued, his hands on his hips.
Owen leaned back with his arms folded "Cut it out. You are both horrible people who will burn in hell."
"Actually … we both intend to live forever Owen" Ianto replied blandly "But it does not excuse the fact Kris did it again. Third year in a row. Christ … this area is bad for it … see the streetlights are not working properly? So many elderly that can't sleep at night, go for a wander. Should be a law like a curfew. Would solve so many problems … like … remember the Snowmen of 2012? The Doctor lost Clara during that episode of madness. I mean … he's as bad as Kris. Those two running around in space and time fluffing about … just because they've been around for hundreds of years.. does not make them any smarter when bladdered! The two of them together at this time of year is madness …. Remember 2005 … the Doctor let the Sycorax pinch the TARDIS for fucksake. Lost his hand … you know… your pet hand?"
"Look … Kris is a lovely guy and … ahhh hell. More over here love" Jack groaned "nah. I gotta tell him the sweeper isn't working. I think she broke it, must have fallen, been swept under and threshed about."
Ianto loke daroud the area and frowened "Hmmm. Well … a likely scenario. Perhaps this was not his felt after all. She may have fallen on the icy sidewalk, slid into the street and died from exposure or a bang to her head on the hard pavement. He simply ran over Grandma's corpse. Would explain so little blood. The reindeer would not have seen her, especially if a light blanket of snow covered her and it is snowing. She would have been like .. a speed bump."
Owen's arms fell from the folded position to flop at his sides as he stared at them in open horror. "Did you call this little old lady a … a… bump?"
"Well she's not that old" Ianto said calmly. "Maybe…sixty?"
"Had to being up those snowmen. Now I'm fucking getting the heebie-jeebies. You know those fuckers bite, right?" Jack was looking around furtively "Can't we put her in the bus lane and cover her with snow again so the six AM one catches her? They can then think it was that?"
"And traumatise the poor bus driver?" Gwen roared as she finally managed to get to them, then she looked down at the old lady's mangled body "Ew."
"OK. Well … interstate them, a CCTV blind spot" Ianto finally said with a sigh "I need some bloody mulled wine after this. I hate these."
Owen was still not sure if they were telling the truth or not, helping load the body as Ianto clucked and pointed out the fact that it was clearly hoof prints on the back of her cardie, removing it reluctantly to disprove of in Ferdinand the furnace. "Can't leave that, hate to think of her cold but silly really."
Owen settled back in the SUV as they roared off towards the interstate, waiting for Toshiko to tell them they were in position, Gwen going back to the base as she could not stomach the entire thing. Poor old Grandma.
Then it happened.
Ianto the first to start to snigger softly, his hand covering his mouth as Jack finally caught the song and laughed as well. Owen heard it too "you bastards. You fucking, inconsiderate pricks!"
"Sorry Owen, it's on shuffle. It's an honest coincidence" Ianto choked out as the song played all the way to her 'dumping spot' and Owen sat seething as they refused to change it.
.
.
.
.
.
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"
One, two, three, four
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog
And we'd begged her not to go
(Don't go, grandma)
But she'd forgot her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow
When they found her Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack
(Let me tell you something)
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back
Two, three
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He's been takin' this so well
See him in there watchin' football
(Hallelujah)
Playin' cards and drinkin' beer with cousin Mel
And it's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
(Amazing grace)
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(send them back?)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And a blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig
I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
(Sing it right)
They should never give a license, no
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
And that's why grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
Yes, as for me and Grandpa, we believe!