Fuck, you guys I'm so sorry it took so long!

Tony

"Mother fu-" was all Barton was able to get out as Tony kicked him in the back and propelled him forward into the room Widow was being kept in.

No way was Tony getting jumped twice today.

(Unless it's the fun way)

(What fun way?)

Besides, it would have been very therapeutic to get to see Barton strangled by a pair of majestic thighs in some much-needed ironic karma.

(And it would be kinky to watch)

But alas, it was not to be-

(Mores the pity)

Because Romanov recognized the shout and didn't try to kill the first victim available.

Instead, she darted around the Robin Hood knockoff and Tony had to do the only thing he could think of when he saw death coming upon him at high speed.

He through his hands up to shield his face and yelled, "Don't hurt me, I'm fragile and fleshy!"

Tony was sure the bitch would have ignored him if Barton hadn't grabbed her arm, "Nat, wait! It's Ironman! And he didn't hurt me!"

Itsy Bitsy turned her cold, pointed, murder stare to Clint-

(He did save Tony, after all)

(First name privilege)

"What did you just say?"

"Uh," Clint let her go, "It's Ironman?"

(Why'd you have to phrase it like a question?)

She turned back to Tony, still talking to Clint, "Are you sure?" It sounded more like an accusation than a question.

Tony stepped back, just to be safe, and let his hands fall as Clint came around to stand next to the redhead. "Yeah, it's him. He was being an annoying little shit earlier,"

"Hey!"

Romanov roamed her eyes across Tony, fully taking in his slightly offended visage, and snorted. "You're short."

"Fuck you!" He said automatically. He walked past them into the room to the back corner and crouched down to poke at the floor. "Rogers is two doors down. I'm gonna stay here and grow mushrooms until I die."

"I think you hurt his feelings," Clint stage whispered.

"I don't have feelings!" He cried.

Tony didn't see, but he still knew Romanov had rolled her eyes. "Get up. Let's go get Steve and find Thor and Bruce."

Tony sniffed and waved them off, "James is getting Thor and Bruce, and you and Big Bird are more than enough to rescue Cap. I, however, am going to die in this corner surrounded by beautiful portobello and shiitake mushrooms."

"What, no toadstools?" Barton asked, amused.

"Sorry, Mario, your princess is in another castle."

"Dear God, will you two shut up and come on?" Romanov grouched, halfway down the hall already, "I've had enough of being here."

(Talk about a widow bite.)

Tony was contemplating lamenting about how he would keep the shrooms moist with only his tears when Barton-

(Traitors gets last named)

Grabbed the back of his stollen uniform and hauled him up. "Buck up Cheerio. Nat's leaving us."

(I'm sorry. Cheerio?!)

"I'm a Fruit Loop you little shit!"

Barton glanced back at him with a smirk, "You're in no position to be calling anyone 'little'"

(Why that mother-)

(Dingdong the bitch is dead)

"I am going to build a giant death robot the likes of which Pacific Rim has never seen and then you'll see…" He continued to mutter under his breath as he shook off the talons.

Feathery ass bastard.

They caught up with Romanov easily enough. They came to a stop in front of the door Rogers would be behind and Tony crossed his arms while tilting his head toward the door, "Go on. That's one pair of thighs I can live without, thanks."

Barton snorted and went to open the door, even as Romanov gave Tony the blankest look he had ever seen outside of Coulson. "Hey Cap, you awake?"

"Hawkeye," Tony heard Steve sigh, (relief? Longsuffering?) "I'm glad you and Widow are okay, but you can't just barge into a prison cell without warning. What if I had attacked you?"

"With your thighs?"

"What? No-" Rogers stopped talking as he stepped out and Tony came into view. He tensed his shackles (fucking torn from the wall, that brute) strained under those thick ass muscles.

Tony threw up a lazy peace sign, "Sup."

"Who-"

"Rogers, Ironman, Ironman, Rogers."

"What."

"Still technically not my name, but whatever."

Clint flinched minutely and turned with an open mouth. To ask.

(Aw, fuck)

(Abort!)

"No time!" Tony grabbed his wrist and took off further down the hall, "Wouldn't you like your weapons back? Me too! Then you can shoot me, and it'll actually do something!"

"Wait, what?"

"What?!"

Oh, Rogers got his voice back.

(Not his brain, but oh well.)

(When did he ever have a brain?)

"Heh." Tony smirked at his own joke and took a sharp corner.

"Dude, slow down!" Clint called, "How are you this fast?! Your legs aren't that long!"

Bro. Ow.

Just for that, Tony came to an immediate stop and allowed the archer to run right into him. Tony budged exactly zero inches. Turning around showed the other man holding his nose from where it had smacked Tony's helmet.

(Serves him right.)

(Shame there's no blood.)

"We're here," Tony said with fake cheer and turned to unlock the door. Unnecessary but Rogers was looking at him weird and Tony refused to be uncomfortable in his own house, dang it.

"You-"

The door clicked. "There we go!" He pushed the door open and walked over to rummage through several cupboards and the like the dragon searching for treasure to steal he secretly is.

"Wait!" Rogers said, "If you're human, then all that stuff you said? Then all of that about being created by Howard? It was all a lie-"

Tony had the gun drawn and whipped around before the words could fully leave the captain, "Hey," He whispered calmly, gun under the other mans chin, finger on the trigger because that's what you do when you intend to shoot, "I never lied."

The air was so thick it was unbreathable. Clint had his hands in a calming manner, calculations running across his eyes, and the widow had reached for a gun she didn't have and was currently scanning the area for any weapon.

"…"

Tony blinked. Looked down at the gun and then back up at the panicked blue eyes and laughed. "Sorry!" He chortled, drawing the gun back and twirling it in the air, "not used to wielding these bullet launchers around people I'm not supposed to fuck up, but hey, you didn't touch me so I didn't have to shoot you!"

Rogers took a step back with a look of unease, "…right."

"Right!" Tony holstered the gun, "Anyways, I found your shit." He took a step to the side to showcase the now opened cupboard that had actually been a safe but was too easy to crack to be called that.

"Oh, thank fuck," Barton groaned and darted to grab and caress his bow, "Did you miss me, baby? I missed you."

"If you kiss that the rating will go up to mature, stop it." Tony slapped the back of his head.

"Ow," Clint sneered and rubbed his head, "You're just jealous of our love!"

"The next person to smack you is going to be me if you keep that up," Romanov walked over to grab her, very large, arsenal. She tossed Rogers his shield because the coward refused to stop starring at Tony.

(Next time we should shoot him. You know. For science.)

(For science and because we are a petty, petty bitch.)

…We?

(We, you, us. Me, myself, and I. POV is hard in this headcase)

…Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

"Sir, please don't shoot a national Icon."

"Jarvis you little bitch, stop eavesdropping." Tony grouched and tugged the helmet off. He heard a sharp intake of breath and looked up at the shocked faces.

(Well, he chose to see Romanov as shocked)

"…What?"

James slid into the doorway with Thor and a mostly conscious Bruce close behind. He brushed his hair out of slightly manic eyes, "Tony we gotta go. Now."