March 1866
I wasn't proud of what i did back at Himawari teahouse. Especially chopping off that guy's ear. I guess imagining Chizuru in danger had awaken all the darkness lingering inside me. What i was glad for, however, was that a few days after, the okiya master came back to tell Hijikata-san that she would not bear our two maikos anymore. Apparently, the bidder for mizuage backed off because some mysterious folk came threatening him and mutilated him. This had to be someone from the Shinsengumi and therefore, we weren't welcome anymore. Luckily, Yoshikawa-san didn't give a full description of his assaillant. Hijikata-san, furious, asked to Souji, Harada and Nagakura to confess but none of them knew anything. He never suspected me once. Why should he ? I was the most devoted to the Shinsengumi and i didn't voice my opinion against the mizuage. Hijikata-san had to pron himself. The culprit wasn't a Shinsengumi member and it was a mere coincidence.
Everything came back to normal. Chizuru was back at the compound and my heart felt light again. I could have occasions to be with her again without being watching her in the shadows like some kind of creep. She came back to her old tasks like chores and first aid but i could see that she was relieved with it. I didn't have the occasion of speaking with her about it but Souji told me that she didn't really enjoy her time as a maiko spy. It was a bit strange to see her dressed as a boy again, wearing her hakama and tying her ponytail, after so much time wearing the finest kimonos and hairpins.
I saw her that afternoon, carrying some laundry and i walked to her.
« Yukimura » i saluted her « i'm going on a round. Do you wish to accompany me ? »
« Ah ! Yes ! Thank you, Saito ! » she said. « Can you wait a minute ? I just have to bring these to the men. »
« Alright. » i answered before joining my men in the courtyard.
Thanks to my reports about Sannan's corp, I was back working in broad daylight with my unit. I found Tetsuya and the rest of my men in the entrance of the compound and as usual, Tairô handed me my blue haori. I put it on and waited for Chizuru. She arrived shortly, running as if she was worried that we could go without her and we started walking.
As usual, our rounds were pretty silent and we didn't talk much. She was walking besides me, ahead of the men and i would just have to extend my hand a little bit to grab hers but of course, i didn't. I couldn't. How much i wanted to was irrelevant. I saw that Chizuru was probably feeling the same way. I was keeping my eyes ahead of me but her hazel gaze was always getting back to me, rapidly, like a reflex, before looking in front of her again. After a while walking silently in the roads of Kyoto, i turned to my unit.
« I need to have an explanation with Hijikata-san's page. You all can go ahead. Tetsuya, you'll make me a full report of the round back at the headquarters. »
« Hai ! Kumichô ! » he said, bowing and they all walked pass us in a beautiful discipline without asking any questions.
I stayed there alone with Chizuru and i reported my attention on her.
« What do you want to talk me about, Saito ? » she asked, puzzled.
« Walk with me. » i answered and i took a different road than the one we always take on rounds.
The snow was gone now. Not that it snowed a lot during the winter, we only had a few snowflakes but still, we could sense that spring was already on its way. When i estimated that we were far enough, I extended my hand to grab Chizuru's. She blushed like she always do. Would she one day be accustomed to my contact ? I wasn't sure and i didn't really wanted her to. Seeing her blush like this and knowing i was the cause of it had something extremely savory. I wondered how i'd feel if i saw her panting, crying in pleasure... I chased that thought away. Even if my mind was travelling to fantasy places, my feet led me exactly where i wanted to. It was a little tea house which Harada talked me about.
« Would you like to go in ? » i asked Chizuru.
« Is it really reasonable ? » she asked in return « aren't they going to worry when they don't see us get back ? »
She had a point. We couldn't stroll for too long otherwise they would probably send a research team for us and explanations would have to be given.
« You're right » i sighed « wait here for a second, if you may. »
I got in the tea house and came back shortly after with a paper bag. Inside, there were two castellas. One classic and one with matcha flavor. I opened the paper bag and presented them to Chizuru.
« What are these ? » she asked, curious.
« Castellas. » i answered in my toneless voice. « i don't think you had the chance to taste it yet. »
A big genuine smile appeared on her face and she took the unflavored one and cut it in half before handing me the other half. I returned her smile and took it. I sensed the red invading my ears.
« it's delicious ! » she told me, biting in hers.
« Ha. Let's eat it on our way to the compound. » i said as i started walking.
« I never tasted something so... soft... before... » she said after her first bite.
« It's a treat brought by the portugeses. Speciality of Nagasaki so you cannot really find them in Kyoto normally. This place just opened this year so i wanted to try it. I heard it's very simple to make. It's only an egg, flour and mizu ame. The western use sugar instead of the mizu age but i prefer the japanese style. »
She smiled even more and took another bite. She looked like she could laugh at any moment.
« What is it ? » i asked.
« Nothing ! You're just talkative. » she saw me frown and her face became flustered « I don't complain ! It's just... it makes me think about when you were talking to me about swords. »
I smiled when i remembered that day, how she was laughing and how i was vexed before realizing she actually understood what i meant.
« Pardon me for bothering you. » I said just like that day but this time, i was smiling.
« You're not. You really like food, don't you ? » she asked but she already knew the answer.
« Ha. » i nodded.
« Maybe if you weren't a samurai, you would have been a cook. » she said while taking another bite.
I furrowed my brows. That eventuality of being something else had never crossed my mind.
« As i already told you, cooking and the warrior's way have more in common than you may think. »
« I remember. » she nodded « following orders. »
And manipulating sharp blades.
« Ha. »
She finished her half and i gave her the other one, matcha flavored. She cut it in two again for us to share.
« This one is even better. » she said.
« The tea house had made quite a reputation from their castellas. I wanted to make them myself but i thought mine would probably be pale in comparison. I wanted you to taste the most savory ones. »
« Oh ! You don't have to get out of your way to make some for me ! » she blushed « i know how much work you have... »
« It wasn't a bother for me. Inoue told me. You've been away as a maiko for long and we missed your birthday in February. »
She became even more red.
« So... These are for my birthday ? You shouldn't have ! »
I showed her the half in my hand.
« I'm also born in February. Let's say it's for both our birthdays. With a little delay. »
She flashed me a giant genuine smile.
« Then, happy birthday Saito ! »
« Happy birthday, Chizuru. »
« Can i ask how old you are ? » she asked with curiosity.
That's funny. How can we love each other but know so little ?
« Do i look old ? » i asked her with a smirk.
« I don't know, but at this instant, you look like Okita when he wants to make fun of me. »
I let a small laugh escape. Maybe she was right.
« I'm twenty two. » i answered.
« And i'm seventeen. » she smiled « not so far from each other. »
« I guess not. »
So i wasn't mistaken when i evaluated her age when i met her. She was fithteen then, well fourteen since it was January but this doesn't really matters. How time can fly. She's been with us for two years now. I've been secretly with her for eight months. We exchanged two kisses. What kind of relationship was that ? Even if i knew the necessity of hiding, i couldn't help but feel guilt at the idea of my dishonorable behavior. She was seventeen now, perfect time for her to find a husband but i was making her wait for me. How long before i could marry her ? A year ? Two ? Ten ? What if i died before i could ? She would have been wasting years of her youth.
« Chizuru, forgive me my behavior. » i told her abruptly.
« What behavior, Saito ? » she asked, puzzled.
« I'm keeping you waiting, perhaps for a day that will never come. I need you to make me a promise. »
« What kind of promise ? »
I turned to her and met her chestnut eyes filled with love, will and dedication.
Gods, this is gonna be hard...
« I don't know when i could set you free from the secrecy. I need you to promise me that you won't waste your life away on my account. »
« What... What do you mean ? » she asked with confused and scared eyes.
« Do not throw your life away for me. You owe me nothing. If you get an opportunity for a better life, take it. Please Chizuru, i need you to promise me you won't be living a vain life because you spent it waiting for me. »
She stopped and for the first time, i saw an expression i never saw on her face before. Was it... anger ?
« I won't promise you that. I've never met someone i loved enough to imagine spending my whole live with him until i met you. I know that i have to be patient and i know we can't let the others know about us. I know we have to hide and i know how much you feel like it's despicable to live this dishonorable life. But to me, my honor is safe. I have the chance of loving and be loved by the most talented and caring swordsman i know. I don't care how long it will take before you consider our relationship honorable. As long as you love me, let me walk by your side. Even if it's in the shadows. Even if you can never marry me. I want to be with you. »
My heart skipped a beat at her confession. I never expected she could come into the open like this. She's always so shy and kind to everyone but the Chizuru i had in front of me was a bold, strong one. And the confession she just delivered to me was the most heartfelt words i ever heard. As if she had delivered her heart to me. Deep inside, it was what i had wanted to hear all along. I couldn't prevent me from regretting that our relationship was so flawed but in the meantime, her words made me feel like it was acceptable to have the selfish wish that she'll wait for me eternally.
« Chizuru... » i whispered softly.
Unable to express my feelings by words, i leaned forward to deposit a small kiss on her lips and she met me halfway, turning my gentle kiss into a passionate one. I could nearly hear her thoughts as if she was yelling them in my ears.
« I love you. »
I parted her lips to explore her mouth. My tongue find hers and they danced together as we were both gasping for air but refusing to let go.
« I will never leave you. »
My hands came combing in her hair, furiously, making the kanzashi tying them fall on the ground. Her hair came circling her face, freely and i took a strand in my fingers to play with it while my other hand traveled down her back to find her curve, pulling her closer.
« I will walk alongside you, whatever path you must take. »
My kiss deepened and i bit on her lower lip, gently before my mouth came wondering on her neck, kissing, biting. A surprised moan escaped her and made me snap back to reality. I detached myself from her abruptly and the blush invaded my cheeks in both shame and desire.
« Chi...Chizuru, I... Sorry ! » i stuttered stupidly, trying to look at anything but her swollen and ajar lips and the little red mark on her neck that i just did. That was close. A few more seconds and i could have lost my mind completely.
Shit. No way this could be unnoticed. Well done, Hajime. Perfect.
I removed my white scarf from my neck and handed it to her, still blushing.
« You... Should probably hide your neck... » i muttered in embarrassment.
She nodded and took it as i crouched on the ground to grab her kanzashi and tie her ponytail. She put my scarf on and i arranged it to be sure that my mark couldn't be seen. I would have to find an explanation about why she's wearing it but i prefered to explain the scarf rather than the love bite.
« We're probably late. » i said.
« Let's go back then. » she answered and we started walking again in the direction of the headquarters.