Chapter 60.
Dean and Mark were setting up the barbecue equipment just outside the garage. The weather was good and it had seemed sensible to leave the garage open and use the space outside too.
Everyone was getting involved. Already, several pickups had gone to Ionia to collect food and finishing touches. Paul was organising the quest for beer. Maggie was making sure everyone had something to wear. She had already checked that he would be making an effort and he had described the outfit enough to satisfy her.
He knew it wasn't just about Cas. To all of them, the chance to let off steam and enjoy themselves was rare and precious. At first, it had seemed to him like that was their primary motivation, but being around them as they worked, hearing the discussions of how much Cas would enjoy the party, he was pleased to find out how much it mattered that he did. There had been friction at first and doubts on both sides, but now, without anyone really noticing it, a lot of affection had grown up between Cas and the offworlders.
Another thing that had gone unnoticed was a strange disquiet Dean had felt that he had neither acknowledged nor understood until it had lifted. As long as they had cast sideways glances at Cas, he had been unable to fully trust them. He loved their devotion to Sam, their faith in him, but they had not felt like his people until now, when they were working to do something good for Cas.
Mark was struggling to get a grill into position. Dean grabbed the other end and helped him. They grinned at each other as it slipped into place.
"Thanks." said Mark.
"Teamwork." said Dean, "Can't beat it." He knew he sounded less sincere than he was. He often did.
Mark seemed to read the intention, rather than the tone. "It's all worked out pretty well, hasn't it?" he said.
"Yeah, it has." said Dean.
"Bobby was a good leader. He got us through everything. No matter how hopeless it got, no matter how bad things were, he'd just get up, get going and kick it in the ass."
"Yeah. Bobby's unstoppable." said Dean.
"Your brother? He's something different. He's got vision. He's got a way of giving us all hope."
"He's been doing that for me for years." said Dean.
"So, when's his birthday?"
"May." said Dean.
"And yours?" said Mark.
"I don't have one." said Dean.
"You weren't born?"
"I don't celebrate it." said Dean.
"You're a little young to have given up on birthdays." said Mark.
"I'm older than I look. Let's worry about Castiel's for now." said Dean.
"He wasn't born either." said Mark, "But it would be a pity if he missed out on a party because of that."
"I just don't see much to celebrate."
"Not being dead yet seems reason enough to me." said Mark.
"Too many other people are dead." said Dean.
Mark nodded. "Yeah, I know that feeling. Stinks, don't it?"
"It's the life. Whatever we do, everyone eventually ends up as monster chow." said Dean.
"Which is why I wanna enjoy life while I can." said Mark.
Dean watched Sam's people, who were now his too, working hard to make Cas's birthday great and he felt he could be honest. "Look, I was never big on birthdays. I grew up on the road, barely knew when my birthday was. I never really celebrated a lot. Then my life was saved at the expense of a stranger and after that, my dad gave his life for mine in a deal with a demon. Too high a price has been paid for the continuation of this particular life. I can't repay it. I can't justify it. So I am damned if I'm about to celebrate it. Sorry."
"I never knew any of that."
"It's not stuff I want to brag about." said Dean.
"I can see that." said Mark, "I often wonder why you're not the one leading. Your brother clearly respects you."
"Sam's the one with all the leadership skills. When people follow me, things go wrong." said Dean.
"We've all had bad times." said Mark, "I once led three men to their deaths in a werewolf ambush."
"Sam's the one to trust." said Dean, "I'm a good soldier, bad leader." He thought of his father as he said that and remembered all the years of trying to be a perfect soldier, afraid to make the smallest mistake. Now he had so many mistakes to look back on, angels dropping from the sky like stones, Leviathans unleashed because he hadn't managed to get through to Cas, Bobby, Charlie, Eileen, all dead because he had not done enough to protect them.
"Sam trusts you. We follow him, he follows you."
"No. He listens to me, but he makes his own decisions." said Dean.
Mary drove up next to them. She got out of her pickup and said to Dean, "Help me offload, then Sarah's wants you at the farm."
"Looks like I have my orders." he said to Mark.
Mark grinned at him. "You said you like to follow, not lead."