Chapter 61.
When Dean arrived at the farm, Bobby was just driving off. They waved briefly at each other, then Dean parked the Impala next to Sarah's quirky old Ford and went to the house.
Sarah opened the door as he reached it and he felt suddenly very young and very uncertain. Before he could collect himself enough to speak, she took his hand and led him into the parlour. "Bobby just took the last of the food." she said, "I think that's everything now, although, before we go, I'll make sure."
"Okay." he said.
"Let's sit down." she said. They did. She sat on the couch. He took the armchair opposite.
He wanted to tell her about his decision, but he suddenly wondered whether he should just give up on the idea for now. It felt too late for him to change anything and to try seemed too much a waste of time and resources.
Then he remembered how many times he had lied to himself like that, saying he didn't need to change or couldn't change or couldn't spare the time or justify so much focus on his stupid little problems. This was why she had told him he needed to make a decision to choose life and joy. She knew how easy it would be for him to run from the whole thing.
"The first step you talked about," he said, "I took it."
"I know." she said, "Sam told me. It sounds more like a giant leap forward to me. You decided to be honest with your family. I'm proud of you, Dean."
"If I'm honest, there's still a very persuasive part of me that wants to back out."
"Yes, that's perfectly natural." she said, "You need to resist that urge. You are strong enough to do this, even if you think you're not."
"I don't even know that this involves." he said, "But maybe, that's for the best."
"The only thing that matters now is that you want to find healing." she said, "That you want to start a journey that will get you out of the darkness you've been living in for so long."
"And you're sure that's possible? Because the darkness is really all I know."
"No it isn't. That's why dancing brought up things you were afraid to face. You remember and long for love and light. You don't believe you deserve them, but you want them. You just need to want them enough."
"The way things are, I'm a liability to Sam. I'm not in control of my life or my emotions. I'm not sure what's real and what isn't and I need to either get control or get out of the way."
"And what would getting out of the way mean?" she said.
"I don't know. Leaving the bunker. Yesterday, I thought I was picking up Cas's thoughts again and if you hadn't been there to remind me that's impossible, I could have lost touch with reality completely. Best possible outcome: I would have destroyed his faith in the talismans and made him perpetually afraid of being infected with my thoughts. Worst: I could have done something crazy to stop a link that no longer exists."
"How crazy?" she said.
"Cas doesn't deserve to share the Hell in my head. I'd do anything it took to protect him from it."
"Including self-destruction?"
"I don't know." he said.
"You're being very honest with me." she said.
"I'm trying. Honesty is important." he said.
"It is. So I'm going to be honest with you. There are no quick fixes. Change will be hard work. It will scare you. You'll open old wounds and that will hurt."
"I know." he said.
"Sometimes, you will backtrack, you will fail. I need you to understand that. I need you to know that I understand, because when that happens, you will need to stop yourself and come back to the work. None of it will be easy, but every tiny step in the right direction will change your life for the better."
"I'm trying to believe that." he said.
"Above all, you need to be ready to let go of all the false assumptions you've made about yourself to protect yourself."
"What if they're not false?"
"And already, you're resisting that part."
He nodded. "It's hopeless."
"No, it isn't. You've told Sam and Castiel that you are ready. Now you just have to convince yourself."
"What if I'm not?" he said.
"You are. Dean, it took a lot of courage to say you would do this. There's a reason why you found that courage now. You've defied Heaven and Hell, now you just have to overcome your own fears and your own guilt. A big part of the problem is that you feel you deserve to suffer."
"I do." he said, "However you slice it, I've done some terrible things."
"Condemning yourself is easier than trying to acquit yourself. I have to ask you, right from the start, to let yourself question all those assumptions."
He nodded. "I'll try." he said. His left hand shook a little and he put it on his knee, hoping any trembling would be less obvious there.
"You need to give some thought to what we need to do to make this bearable for you. My own view is that the bunker is too public a place for you to relax and open up. I suggest that you might want to come here. You might want to stay here for a few days at a time."
"For today, I just need to make sure the party goes well." said Dean.
"You don't have to decide this minute." she said, "I just want you to bear in mind that you have options. I should warn you that, if you stay here, I will treat you as family and I may mother you a bit, but I think that may be just what you need."
"Normally, I'd say that I can't leave the bunker, but now that I'm imagining insane things, it's probably best that I do. But you mother me a little wherever we are."
"I do." she said, "You bring out my nurturing instincts. You lost so much, so young."
"Which means I got plenty of time to adapt." he said. Even as he said it, he knew she wouldn't accept that.
"That's automatic, isn't it?" she said, "Diminish, deflect, deny."
"Sorry." he said.
"You don't need to apologise. Just learn to recognise the unhealthy patterns. Then you can stop them and work on more constructive habits."
"I'm not good at change." he said.
"Neither is Castiel, but he's working on it. I know you won't do it for yourself, because you don't care about yourself, but Sam and Castiel and Jack care about you and seeing you lose hope is killing them."
"I know it is." he said, "I know I need to change. I just hope it's not too late."
"I'm with Steppenwolf on that one."
"You know Steppenwolf?"
"I know Castiel. I hear a lot of rock."