A/N: So, uh. I talk about the Force again in the chapter. Historically, this has not gone well for me, ha! But, um, in this case? Unless I go massively awry of my continuity again, I'm going to ask you to roll with it? If I do contradict myself, please, please let me know but-um. Otherwise. Yeah. Also, hope you guys are all having a lovely December and that you have a magnificent holiday season! I am, like, desperately Christmas shopping and have way too many things planned, haha, but am still definitely in the holiday spirit! Hope you guys all are too! Also, as always, thanks so much for sticking with me and hope you enjoy?
To Change the Galaxy
Chapter 36: Starlight
About an hour later, Anakin admitted that, even though he could probably patch the ship enough that our hyperdrive would work again, there was no guarantee that we'd make it to our destination. And if we didn't, we'd die as we would no longer have a functional emergency generator to make sure our life support kept working if the ship failed.
Two and a half hours later, Handmaiden Tala commed us back on Yané's device. She very briskly informed us that we could safely be picked up in twenty-six to thirty-two standard hours. If that was unacceptable, she said that Saché had agreed to risk becoming a fugitive and could make it to us in sixteen.
After Anakin and Obi-Wan re-examined the emergency generator and the life support systems, we all agreed that we could wait up to thirty-two hours to be rescued. It took us a little under an hour to find two more glowrods as well as a handful of extra powerpacks, in case any of our glowrods ran dry while we were waiting. Together, we pieced together a mostly not-disgusting meal made of food hadn't gone bad yet but would soon, with all our power focused on keeping life support functional and not the kitchen appliances. We ate in silence and, when Obi-Wan suggested that we maybe try to catch some sleep, no one disagreed.
The freighter had two small cabins for sleeping. One had two sets of bunk beds crammed on opposite walls with a small passage between, connecting the cabins to a small fresher on one end and the rest of the freighter on the other. The second cabin had one large bed that literally took up the entire room. To enter that cabin, you had to climb onto the bed. To reach the tiny fresher attached to the room, you had to sit on the bed, push the doorpad and then slide off the bed into the fresher when the door finally opened. Obi-Wan and Anakin wordlessly decided that I got the room no one could walk in and wouldn't listen when I tried to protest.
So while they started to squabble over who got which bunkbed, I stared a little helplessly at my 'room' before I reluctantly realized there was really only one thing I could do. I propped my cane up just outside the cabin door. Then, I jammed the end of my glowrod between my teeth, threw my bag onto the bed and climbed up after it.
Sitting on the bed, I shut the door. Then I crawled across the bed to the fresher door, wincing a little as I forced my bad leg along. Luckily, though, my ribs didn't so much as twinge, the bacta having done its job. Then I opened the door, grabbed my bag, slid off the bed and into the fresher. With one small hop, I made it to the vanity. After a few minutes, my Padmé wig had been removed, I had changed into the nightgown I'd jammed into the bottom of my supply bag and I had cleaned my teeth and face as best I could with the power out. Then, I hopped back to the cabin, opened the door again and crawled into the bed. I did my leg exercises as best I could and then slipped beneath the covers.
I tossed. I turned. I glared at the ceiling. I tried to count imaginary banthas. Then I tossed and turned some more. I muttered swearwords and counted them.
Finally, I gave up. Huffing angrily, I grabbed my glowrod, crawled across the bed to the doorway, and climbed off the bed into the corridor. Grumbling to myself as quietly as I could, I reclaimed my cane and slowly made my way back to the cockpit.
I slipped inside, turning my glowrod off, leaving the cockpit to be illuminated only by the soft silvery light of the stars. Pulling in a long, slow breath, I made my way over to the pilot seat and sank down. After a moment's thought, I pulled my knees up to my chest, my leg miraculously not hurting. Wrapping my arms tight around my calves, I propped my chin on top of my knees and stared out the window.
The galaxy was eerily quiet, without even the usual hum of the starship's engines to break the silence. I stared out at the stars, twinkling distant and beautiful in front of me.
It would have been better if the ship had been surrounded by a storm, with howling wind rattling the walls and the storm itself totally obscuring my vision.
That would have been something to get lost in.
Instead, I found that I was just as alone with my thoughts as I had been in the bedroom. I sighed heavily. The change of scenery might not be as helpful as I'd hoped. There was nothing to distract me. I had no goal to work towards—no pressing need to plan or comfort or prepare or anything. There was nothing I could do but wait.
And think.
And the only thing I could think of was all the ways everything could go horribly wrong. Padmé was still stuck on Naboo with the twins. So were the little Jedi. Saché had been arrested. If Imperial Officer Tait wasn't at least a little suspicious of Apailana I would eat my wig. We were stuck on a ship in the middle of nowhere with—
"I thought I might find you here," a familiar voice said.
Startled, I spun my head around. Obi-Wan stood in the entrance to the cockpit, glowrod nowhere in sight. He made his way over to the co-pilot seat.
Staring at him as he sat next to me, the ship deathly silent, I was forcibly struck by a memory of another night when I'd been desperate for something to distract me from my thoughts.
"Remember the first time we talked?" The words slipped from me before I could decide if I actually wanted to say them.
In the dim light, I could just make out Obi-Wan's brows furrowing.
"As us—well, mainly as us," I corrected as I dropped my legs to the ground and spun the chair to face him. "It was on Tattooine—during the sandstorm. You came in to question me under the pretense of learning more about Naboo. Remember?"
Obi-Wan huffed out a small laugh as he turned his chair towards me. "It would be difficult to forget. Although I don't know if I would consider that the first time we talked as ourselves. You were still wearing that anklet, as I recall."
"I forgot about those! It took us ages to make because none of us totally understood what we were trying to do. Except for maybe Yané. I don't suppose having an anklet that conceals Force signatures would help us now, would it?"
"Unlikely," Obi-Wan said. "Jedi would still feel like Jedi in the Force to anyone who knew how to look. Your anklets didn't truly conceal your signatures; they merely…confused the issue. I still felt you in the Force, Sabé—I just wasn't entirely certain which signature was yours."
"You compared signatures to the weather," I suddenly remembered. "You said it was confusing because it was like being on a planet where the weather drastically changed every few minutes."
"It was rather unsettling." Obi-Wan's smile was clear even with his face in shadow.
"What was I? On my own, I mean," I asked, suddenly curious. "Like, what do you feel now?"
Obi-Wan's smile faded.
"I mean, you don't have to answer if you don't want to," I hurried to reassure him. "I'm just curious."
"No, Sabé. It's fine." There was a hint of something peculiar in Obi-Wan's voice, but I couldn't quite tell what it was.
For a moment, I almost turned my glowrod back on so I could see him better because he seemed to have a strange expression on his face, too. But, instead, I waited.
After a moment, Obi-Wan said, "I have actually been meaning to apologize to you for quite some time now, Sabé. There simply never seemed to be a good moment."
I blinked at him. Apologize? We were back to that again? For what? And what did this have to do with Force signatures?
"All Jedi experience—experienced—the Force differently, Sabé. But, to me—" Obi-Wan paused. "There were very few light spots to be found, while fighting in the Clone Wars. Anakin and I always tried to cling to the light we did find but it was very difficult while we were on the front. It made our rare rest breaks on Coruscant all the more important. Returning to Coruscant was a chance to remember all the good in the galaxy and to remind ourselves of everything we were fighting for. And—" Obi-Wan paused again, his voice odd and tight. "Sabé, being around you, it was like basking in the sun on a warm, summer's day after months of endless winter."
My breath caught.
"As Jedi, unless it is necessary for a mission, we are meant to maintain some distance between ourselves and other people's Force signatures. The impression a person leaves in the Force can tell us far more about them than they would share themselves—including their emotions and, sometimes, echoes of their thoughts."
Obi-Wan leaned forward, his hand seeming to reach towards me before abruptly returning to his side. In the quiet of the cockpit, the sound of him taking in a long, slow breath was almost overwhelming.
Finally, he continued, "You must believe me, Sabé, when I say I didn't even realize what I was doing, not until after the Battle of Coruscant. But in my— in my weakness, I strayed far too close to your Force signature every time we were together. I hadn't realized what I had done until Padmé commed you and you had that absurd conversation about croissants with her. I asked you why you felt awful about the conversation when I should never have known that was what you were feeling in the first place. It was an immense invasion of your privacy, Sabé and I am so terribly sorry. I have since attempted to distance myself from you in the Force so as not to make the same mistake again. But—" In the soft starlight, Obi-Wan's face seemed to twist. "I confess I have not been entirely successful. Since the—the massacre of the Jedi, several times, now, I have found myself drifting closer to you in the Force. Whenever I have noticed, I have stopped myself, but sometimes, it is not until after I have sensed whispers of emotions you hadn't meant to share with me. I am so sorry, Sabé. I did not mean to invade your privacy but that does not change the fact that I have. You just—To me, you feel like sunshine and, recently, I have found myself in desperate need of some light." Helpless. That was the strange note in his voice. Obi-Wan sounded helpless. "That is no excuse, of course. I am terribly sorry." He fell quiet, staring at me.
My heart beat furiously against my rib cage and each breath took conscious thought. Somewhere in the back of my mind, hidden in a box with other thoughts that did me no good, an old, foolish hope started to stir.
"That's—" I stopped. "Um." I drew in a long shaky breath. "That is a lot of information."
Obi-Wan thought I felt like sunshine. He found comfort in me. He also felt emotions I'd tried to hide from him. He was sorry for it. He seemed to think it was weak to need other people. Or was it that he thought it was a weakness to invade my privacy? Because it sounded like he'd definitely invaded my privacy. On accident. Because he'd felt lost and just being with me had helped. He hadn't meant to, and he was trying to stop.
But what had he felt from me? Did he know—my thoughts stuttered to a stop born out of an old habit I had painstakingly forced myself to form years ago for my own protection. I drew in another deep breath as I stared at Obi-Wan, whose eyes, bright and beautiful even in the dark, seemed to be riveted on me. The hope hidden in the back of my head crept forward. Cautiously, I allowed myself to finish the thought I had been avoiding for years. I loved Obi-Wan—hopeless, desperately, despite all my best efforts. Did he know?
Did he—could he—
He said being with me was like summer after a long winter. But he had also said 'in my weakness'. But he'd felt my emotions, maybe heard some of my thoughts.
"Sabé," Obi-Wan didn't sound even a little bit polite or distant, "You have every right to be angry with me. But please—say something."
"Um." I blinked at him. "I'm—I think I'm still processing? Just—that was a lot. That was a lot of information, Obi-Wan." My voice was shrill and awful sounding. I slammed my mouth shut.
I went back to staring at him.
"No, it wasn't." Obi-Wan's clipped tones broke the silence a few seconds later. "The only new information I gave you was that I invaded your privacy without your knowledge or consent."
My mouth dropped. And then, once again, words fell out of my mouth before I could think better of it. "No, no, that was not the only new information you gave me. Sunshine? I feel like sunshine? In the Force? You got too close to me in the Force because you needed more light in your life? Being near me gave your life light? And you felt some of my emotions? And maybe thoughts? Which thoughts? Which emotions? Sunshine, Obi-Wan? Sunshine?" My voice made the most embarrassing squeaking noise in the galaxy.
My face flooded with heat. Across from me, Obi-Wan appeared to freeze in his chair.
My heart raced as I waited for him to respond, to answer any of my questions—the ones I'd asked and the one I couldn't bear to. Hope surged forward in my mind, getting bigger and more unavoidable the longer he said nothing.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "You should say something!" Why did my voice keep squeaking? I was not a squeaker! And this was definitely not the time for it! I gulped air and tried to force myself to talk more normally. "I have questions—you should answer them!" I winced—that was still a squeak!
"I didn't—" Obi-Wan's voice was hoarse. In the starlight, I saw him raise a hand to his mouth. My heart lurched in my chest. When he lowered his hand back to his lap, his voice was once more even and controlled. "I was not intentionally trying to feel you through the Force, Sabé. I only ever felt some of your surface emotions—I know you were upset when you talked to Padmé about the croissants. I know you are upset about the Jedi massacre. I know you care and worry about the younglings and your friends. It is possible I noticed when you were annoyed or amused during some of our conversations back on Coruscant. I would have had to be trying to have felt any more than that and I swear I wasn't. I'm still sorry."
Only surface emotions. And no mention of the sunshine thing. Maybe because—my stomach dropped and my heart stopped. The pieces of the puzzle started to rearrange themselves in my head. He hadn't realized how it sounded, when he said I felt like sunshine. Because that wasn't how he meant it. He was a Jedi. Obi-Wan was a Jedi—And I knew that! I knew that Jedi didn't have attachments—at least, not Jedi like Obi-Wan. Why had I been so stupid? It was probably common for people to feel like sunlight in the Force, which is why he hadn't thought anything of telling me. Sabé, I thought distantly, with growing horror, you idiot. How could I have ever thought he felt the same? How could I have been so stupid? Disappointment rushed to fill the place my hope had been but I ruthlessly pushed it back.
I had nothing to be disappointed about.
Nothing.
Obi-Wan had always been a Jedi. And I knew that. He hadn't stopped being one just because his people had been murdered. I knew better than to expect something from him that he could never give. I'd known it for years.
What had I been thinking?
"So, you're saying it was an accident, right?" I spoke over my rising mortification, trying to return my focus to the important part of this conversation—what Obi-Wan had actually been trying to tell me and not what my idiotic heart had chosen to hear.
"Yes," Obi-Wan answered. "Yes, it was an accident. Are you—?" Obi-Wan stopped and shook his head. He didn't finish his question.
Right. Okay.
"Alright. And I mean, surface emotions—you can probably guess what most of mine are without the Force anyway, right? I think you probably can—I'm usually pretty straightforward, I think. So. It's okay. I'm not—I'm not angry." And I wasn't. Not at all. I felt a lot of other things—horrified; stupid; small—but not angry. "Accidents happen. I'm glad you told me and I'm glad you're trying to protect my privacy. Thank you."
"Don't—please don't thank me." Obi-Wan's calm cracked.
"Okay, fine—I take it back. But it's still fine. It wasn't purposeful and you didn't discover any of my many, many deep, dark secrets so it's alright." I tried to smile at my own sad little joke. But I felt numb. It was a good thing the stars didn't provide much light because my smile felt horribly wrong on my face. And Obi-Wan didn't seem to be smiling back.
And he wasn't saying anything.
Where was a sandstorm when you needed one? Or an exit strategy? Or—
"So, uh, how's Anakin?" I asked.
Because it was definitely time to change the subject. No more talking about us or apologizing for anything or being an idiot. Time to move forward and pretend this had never happened. Anakin seemed like a good way to do that. Obi-Wan and I were both friends with him, after all, and he'd seemed to struggle with the dark side each time he'd tried to give Padmé's speech about restoring the Republic. So he could keep us occupied for a while—long enough for me to finish convincing myself everything was normal and fine and that nothing had changed.
"He fell asleep almost immediately," Obi-Wan answered after a long pause. "I think he was under the impression that the sooner he fell asleep the sooner he would be able to see Padmé and the twins again. Seeing them will help him, I believe. Padmé is a calming influence and he loves his children more than anything. They remind him of the light." Obi-Wan paused. "Sabé, it's not you."
"Wait, what?" We were not supposed to be talking about me! We were supposed to be talking about Anakin. Why were we suddenly no longer talking about Anakin? And what was that even supposed to mean?
Instead of answering, he leaned towards me. Carefully, he took both of my hands in his. Somehow, despite the minimal heat the emergency generator was giving out, his hands were warm around mine.
"Sabé," Obi-Wan's fingers curled around mine, safe and comforting. "I have nothing to offer you."
The world stopped.
He said he could only feel surface things. He said.
I took my hands back. "I haven't asked you for anything."
"Have you ever outright asked anyone for anything?" Obi-Wan was smiling.
My breath flew out of me like I'd been punched in the stomach. Was this some kind of joke to him? I staggered to my feet, wildly snatching up my glowrod and cane as I went.
"I don't know what that's supposed to mean," I snapped, "but I think Anakin had the right idea. Good night, Obi-Wan." I fumbled towards the door in the poor light, scrambling for the glowrod switch as I went.
"Sabé, wait—I didn't—"
I found the switch. With a click, the bright beam cut through the starlight. I spun my glowrod behind me and shone the harsh light right into his stupid eyes.
As he threw his hand up to protect his vision, my heart hammered against my chest like it wanted to escape. "I said good night, Obi-Wan."
Hand white-knuckled on the grip of my cane, I rushed down the corridor. My hand slammed onto the doorpad of my room. I dropped my cane to the ground and boosted myself back onto the ridiculous bed, jamming the doorpad again as soon as my legs were safely out of the doorway.
The moment the door slid shut behind me, I burst into tears, even as I did everything I could to shove the whole sorry night back into the box hidden in my head.
Expected Update: Before January 12th or January 26th. (Also, I am so nervous about this chapter guys, you have no idea, ha! Can't imagine why, it's only been in the planning for ten years... eek, ha! Seriously though-hope you have a happy holiday season and thanks for reading!)