Chapter 59: I Needed A Meeting

June 6

At 2:45pm, Amelia sat alone in the Attendings' Lounge. Her feet hurt, she was exhausted, and her spirits were in the depths of hell. As she hung her stethoscope on a hook and peeled off her med coat, she rested her forehead against the edge of her cubby and took in several deep breaths as she attempted not to let her hormones get the best of her. Before motherhood, her emotions would have never been so up and down. Instead of standing up full force to Derek and Owen when they spoke to her insensitively and aggressively earlier, she hid away and cried. Who was this woman and what had she done with Amelia? Since having the twins, there were days when she wasn't sure who she was anymore. Feeling confused and unsure of who she even was after that first day back at the hospital, Amelia fantasized for a split second about escaping to an island in the Caribbean filled with white sand, calm waters, no brothers, and no husbands.

"Hey, you ok?" Callie asked as she entered the lounge.

Amelia quickly stood up and busied herself, stating unconvincingly with a fake chuckle, "Yeah. Just… just trying to remember where I set my phone."

"It's on the bench behind you," Callie said matter-of-factly. "Are you sure you're ok? You look… strained."

"Strained?" Amelia repeated attempting to seem as if she were making fun of Torres' assessment.

"Sit down," Callie insisted as she walked over by Amelia and sat on the bench. Holding up Amelia's phone, Callie offered, "Here's your damn phone, which you probably knew was there all along."

Amelia grinned and drew her eyebrows toward the center of her nose in mock confusion. "Is there something you're trying to say, Torres? Because I need to get out of here and I'm…"

"Amelia, knock it off," Callie said flatly. "How about if I walk over to the door, lock it, and stand guard so you can fall apart? First day back? It sucks, Mama. I saw how that freaky version of Owen snapped at you earlier. What a welcome back, huh?"

Amelia's lip began to involuntarily quiver as her eyes welled with tears. As her voice shook, she eeked out, "Thanks, but I'm fine."

Torres looked at Amelia with surprise and disbelief, "No you're not." She stood up and locked the door, standing by it in case anyone with a key tried to enter. "Now just let it flow. The tears, that is. If you let your milk flow, it's only going to create a big mess and then you'll have to change your scrub top for the 10th time today and your wet nursing bra will feel like a wet bikini. None of that's good."

Amelia laughed through her soft tears. "I feel like I've forgotten how to be a surgeon. I'm walking around in a daze, moving slow, second guessing myself, mixing up medications...actually, no, I am not mixing up medications – my ass of a husband just wanted to think I was doing that because he didn't know as much as I did about neuro. I'm going to kill somebody if I stick around." Amelia began sobbing and shared her distorted thinking, "I just need to quit and become a pretty little doctor's wife who raises nice little well-groomed, private school children and shows up at the hospital fundraising events."

"Right, because that's the Amelia Shepherd-Hunt I've always known," Torres offered sarcastically. "Really, Amelia? You'd last about 10 minutes in the social circles of snobby doctors' wives before you began offering them involuntary lobotomies."

Amelia laughed and then rested her face in her hands, mumbling something Callie couldn't understand. Taking several slow, deep breaths, Amelia calmed herself down a little and suggested, "Maybe I should hang a shingle and start a quiet little private practice with a waiting room full of flowing tabletop fountains and outdated magazines. I could hire some well-intended med school dropout as my medical assistant and some cute young guy as my receptionist. The office could be closed on Fridays and every other Monday. The Zen atmosphere would force visitors to breathe slowly as their troubles…"

"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me…Somewhere Over the Rainbow…." Callie began singing. Both doctors burst into full-fledged laughter and Callie invited Amelia to step away from the hospital, "Let's go to Joe's. C'mon. My treat."

Amelia blew her nose and checked her makeup in the mirror as she left all evidence of her rotten day behind. She and Callie walked across the street and sat down at a high-top table. Every time the two caught the other's eyes, they both broke into hysterical laughter.

Amelia offered to walk to the bar to grab drinks. She asked Callie, "What'll you have?"

"Grab me a beer," Callie stated.

Amelia approached Joe and ordered Callie's beer. She traced her finger along the top of the bar, deeply tempted to order a drink. "Dr. Shepherd-Hunt? Did you want something?" Joe prompted after waiting a few seconds for the rest of her order.

Amelia blinked and looked up at Joe, "Yeah… how about a Rum and Coke."

"Sure," Joe smiled.

Amelia nodded and grinned, adding, "And an iced tea."

As Amelia set the beer, iced tea, and Rum and Coke on the table, Callie's gaze was filled with seriousness and concern, "Tell me about your day."

"I don't want to relive it," Amelia mumbled as she blew out a mouthful of air.

"Do it anyway. My day was boring. I'm looking for entertainment," Callie insisted dryly.

Amelia grinned at Callie and summarized, "Basically, my brother and my husband each snapped at me multiple times. Apparently, I'm no longer qualified to operate without oversight, I've got attitude and confidence problems, I'm too slow, and I've forgotten which medications to order. I think they tended me so much over the last year that they've decided I'm a wilting little flower that needs their manly protection. Earlier, I was thinking about how I've kind of forgotten who I am…now I'm thinking that they have forgotten that too."

"Woah. That's quite a load to carry around. You need to set that crap down somewhere, sister, and remind yourself and everyone else that the Shepherdess is back and in the house," Torres observed.

"The only positive light today medically was sweet Mr. Strauss who said I was smart. But he'd just had a stroke, what the hell did he know?!" Amelia concluded with a self-denigrating joke attempting to hide her pain through laughter.

"He was sweet. I almost wished he had a broken bone, so I could've worked on him…" Callie offered.

Amelia interrupted with a grin, "I know what you mean." Amelia stared at the Rum and Coke but didn't touch it. She drank 2/3 of her iced tea in one drink.

"Thirsty much?" Callie smiled.

As she laughed, Amelia admitted, "I don't want to go home."

Callie's face saddened. She locked her gaze on Amelia, unsure how to respond. After a drink of beer, she mused, "I used to feel that way a lot. Work my ass off all day and then go home to 600 freakin loads of laundry, diapers to change, bills to sort through and pay, my wife's unpredictable mood…" Callie trailed off, recognizing that Arizona's mood was almost always upbeat back when they were married. In some ways, she deeply missed her and missed sharing life with her.

Without noticing Callie's emotional shift, Amelia continued to disclose her dread and fear, "I can't handle kid chaos after today. I'm afraid I'll snap and be Mommy Dearest. And, actually, I really don't want all their sweet little faces cheering me up."

"And seeing Owen is the very last item on your dream list, isn't it?" Callie prodded.

Amelia looked at Callie, "I love him. I love him deeply and don't want to hate him, but right now, I can't stand him. At this moment, I want to rage at him and scream into his face with full-tilt fury. I want to punch his chest and tell him what an ass he was to me today." Joe quietly set down another iced tea for Amelia and stepped away.

"Then do that," Callie shrugged. "After the kids are in bed, of course. Tell him how he pissed you off. Let him know he was out of line. Be the feisty Shepherdess you still are deep down."

Amelia chuckled. "I think those damn twins changed me. I'm much gentler now, dammit."

"I think your inner-Super Woman is just knocking at the door of your soul begging to be let out for a breath of fresh air. She hasn't left, she's just been buried by breast milk and baby talk. She's still there," Callie assured.

"I hope so," Amelia responded as she became lost in her thoughts. Her phone buzzed and Amelia read a text from Owen, It's 5:30. Where are you? "I gotta get home. I promised Owen I'd be home by 5." Although she wasn't going to rush home, Amelia suddenly wanted to be as far away from that untouched Rum and Coke as possible.

Pondering how to respond to Owen's questions, Amelia knew she couldn't make something up about being stuck in a surgery, because Owen of all people would be aware of those details. Shit, she grumbled to herself as she continued looking at her phone while walking out the door. Focused on the screen of her phone and not on where she was walking, she walked right into Derek and Meredith who were heading inside.

"Hey, Amy…woah…watch where you're going," Derek suggested kindly as he placed his hand on her shoulder to stop her from bumping into him.

"Hiiiiii," Amelia responded far too enthusiastically with a wide smile. "Sorry about that. I know better than to text and walk," she offered as she bobbed her head from side to side playfully. Amelia grinned and continued walking away. She wasn't sure where she was walking to, except away.

"Is she all right?" Meredith asked tentatively. "She seems… weird."

Derek turned to watch his sister walk away as he uttered, "I'm not sure." Then he turned to Meredith and smiled with his deep blue eyes, "Besides…my sisters are always a little weird. Anyway, speaking of sisters, let's go see if Maggie's here yet." He placed his hand on the small of Meredith's back and led her inside Joe's.

Amelia found her way to the front of the hospital and sat down on one of the outside benches. Crap. What the hell am I going to tell him? Amelia wondered to herself as she attempted to compose a return text. She looked into the summer sky and began typing. Ended up chatting, then checked on pt. Need some time. You ok with the kids?

Owen received the text as the boys fought and as Bronwyn fell and banged her knee after her twirling dance in the living room. The babies were both fussing, and Lynne had gone home hours ago. He wrote, No. No, I'm not ok, Amy. Not feeling well. Babies are hungry.

"Can't help you much from here, pal," Amelia quipped aloud with a goofy tone. Breast milk in freezer. Maybe a bottle in fridge. You can do it! I have faith in you.

"Ha," Owen exclaimed aloud as he picked Ella up and attempted to soothe her. With his free hand, he mixed up some baby cereal and decided he was going to try that with both babies. After giving Ella a couple bites of the cereal, he put her back in her highchair with some Cheerios on the tray and alternated between the girls as he air planed spoonful's of food into their wide open baby bird mouths. Once he thought he could get away with a quick break in the feeding, he texted Amelia back Not appreciating your unexpected absence. When will you be home?

Amelia, knowing without a doubt that she needed to find a meeting, wrote back, Didn't appreciate you being such an ass today. She pushed send proudly, then closed her eyes and immediately regretted her words.

"Hey…" Karev said as he walked by Amelia. "What are you doing out here? Didn't you go home hours ago?"

Amelia smiled as she fumbled around on her phone looking for the local AA schedule. Karev sat down next to her and looked at her quizzically. "I heard Hunt was kind of a jerk today. Did you catch some of his crap?"

"Sort of," she shrugged. As she stared into the distance, she wondered what Karev had heard. She asked, "You heard he was a jerk toward me or in general?"

Alex clarified, "I guess he was riding everyone pretty hard today. I wasn't around him much."

Amelia looked at Alex thoughtfully, "That's pretty unusual – he's usually pretty supportive."

"Yeah. Typically, I'm the one with that rumor swirling in my path, not him," Alex grinned. Amelia smiled and laughed softly.

"We all have our moments," Amelia admitted as she looked down at her phone as it lit up. Owen had responded to her snarky comment, Wow, Amy. I'm at a loss.

"Everything ok?" Alex asked as he motioned to her phone.

"Yeah," Amelia sighed. "Well…actually, no. I don't know. It's been a weird day."

Alex wasn't sure how to respond. Amelia wasn't making sense and was beginning to flip out like a crazy chick. Where the hell is Jo when I need her? Alex thought to himself. Rather than responding with something stupid, Alex just sat next to Amelia quietly.

Ten minutes later, Amelia inquired, "I have a really, really strange question for you."

"Go for it," Alex responded.

"I… uh… I need to go inside and deal with something. Is there any chance you could meet me back here in about an hour and take me home?" she explained.

"Jo's working until tomorrow morning. I was just gonna head home and scrounge up some cereal or something. Why don't you text me when you're ready for the ride?" Alex suggested.

Amelia looked over at Alex and grinned, "Sure you don't mind?"

"Of course not. What the hell. I've got nothing planned the rest of the night," Alex asserted.

Amelia walked inside and stepped onto the elevator. Without pause, she pushed the button for the 10th floor. She looked down at her phone, re-reading her tense text conversation with Owen. She wrote, the whole day's been crap. I'll be home in about an hour and a half. Can you hang in there until then?

As she slowly walked down the hall, Amelia steadied her pace and her breathing. She hadn't been to a meeting in months, but she knew that was exactly where she needed to be. That Rum and Coke called her name and tempted her too strongly when she was at the bar. Besides, her head was all out of whack from the ridiculous, painful, and challenging day she'd had.

When she slid into the room, a reader was just concluding a reading of the 12 Traditions and another speaker began sharing The AA Guidelines. When the speaker completed the reading, a man continued, "Hi, I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic." Everyone in the room responded, "Hi Bob."

Bob continued, "For tonight's topic, let's talk about fear and expectations. I know for me, the expectations of others and my own fear that I can't live up to those expectations can send me to the edge pretty quickly. Who'd like to start?"

Amelia, who didn't have a problem speaking but seldom went first, began, "Hi I'm Amelia. I'm an addict." Everyone responded, "Hi Amelia." She continued, "I've had a hell of a day, and, Bob, I think you've been following me around while you considered topics for tonight." Everyone laughed lightly.

"Today, I returned to work after several months away. I was a little scared and also pretty eager to be back. As I gathered my equipment and prepared to get to work, I realized I felt like an imposter. I questioned if I still knew how to do my job and I worried everyone would be judging me and my abilities. Actually, I've been feeling like an imposter for about a year. In the past 12 or so months, my husband and I assumed custody of 3 wonderful kids after my husband's cousin died, and I found out I was pregnant about the same time. I lived through a really challenging pregnancy and the birth of preemie twins. It's been a helluva year," Amelia described. She paused to catch up with the reality that she'd just shared, letting it all soak in.

After 30 seconds, she added, "Most of the day, my boss, who happens to be my older brother, and my boss' boss, who just happens to be my husband, seemed to doubt and question my abilities. I ended up across the street at Joe's, ordering a plain iced tea, which I drank, and a Rum and Coke, which I yearned to consume but didn't touch. I didn't touch it and I came here instead. I didn't drink it, but I still really, really want to go back there and slam it down in one gulp. After the day…no, after the year I've had, I just want to escape, to run away from everyone's expectations." Amelia became pensive and quiet. She took a few deep breaths as the stranger next to her gently grasped her hand.

With a bit of a chuckle, Amelia concluded, "I love my kids, but I miss my work. I love my new life, but I miss my old life. I'm not sure who the hell I am anymore. When I started talking, I was pretty sure I had nothing hopeful to say, no way to spin this day – or even this life - toward the light. I guess my hope was to whine and receive pity."

"But now I recognize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and trying to make today all about me. As I think about the day, I can see that I'm not alone. Friends and people I didn't even consider anything other than co-workers have stepped up today and encouraged me. I look around this room and see that you're here with me, each one of you, and I also remember that I'm here with you. This life is bigger than my problems or my disappointments. I need to step outside my self-absorption and consider the bigger picture."

"All this crappy fear and all my trepidation about my personal and professional life is just emptiness and doubt, but this space in this room right now? It's real. I find hope knowing that I can walk in here and bear my soul. I can be with you and know you understand. Thanks." Amelia squeezed the hand of the kindly woman sitting next to her and continued grasping it for a few more minutes. The next person shared their struggle, and then the next one did so, and the next.

Before she knew it, the group was standing hand in hand reciting the Serenity Prayer. Amelia headed over to the coffee and a woman about her age approached her. "Hi, I'm Jackie. Thank you for putting into words some of what I've been struggling to figure out. I just became a mom six months ago, and I'm totally overwhelmed. Whenever I go grocery shopping, I come close to buying wine and then I beat myself up about even considering it. Anyway…your words really touched my heart. Thanks for sharing."

"You bet," Amelia responded. Small talk and milling around filled the room for a few minutes. Amelia went to send a text to Alex and saw Owen's hour-old reply to her text asking if he could hang in there for 90 minutes. Owen had written, Do I have a choice? I could sure use your help. Coming down with something. My day was rotten too. Hurry home. Please. Amelia sighed and sent a text to Alex, I'm ready to take you up on that ride I invited myself to get from you.

Ha! Be right there. Give me 5, Alex texted back quickly.

Neither Amelia nor Alex said much on the way to the Shepherd-Hunt home. As he pulled in behind the Enclave, Alex offered, "Take care, ok?"

"Thanks. You want to come in? The kids would love to see you," Amelia stated with a smile. She also hoped that Alex' presence might soften her entry if Owen was still a bear.

The duo walked in just as Owen was patiently encouraging the boys, "Oliver – dry off, put on PJs and please come feed the dogs. You forgot to do that after dinner. Nolan – Oliver's done, please hop in the shower." Bronwyn was hanging her head over the seat of the couch looking at a book as she heard the front door open. She ran to the door and celebrated with her pet name for Alex, "Dr. Doughnut! Daddy look, Dr. Karev is here!" She began trying to climb up Alex as he laughed and picked her up.

Oliver came running down to feed the dogs, his PJs sticking to his half-wet skin. As he sped by, he yelled, "Hi, Mommy. Hi, Dr. Karev!" Then he stopped as his brain caught up with his words and he took a step backward. He looked at Alex and asked, "Hey! What are you doing here?"

"Your mom asked me if I could give her a lift," Alex explained. "What's this I hear about dogs?"

"Come see," Oliver invited as he pulled Alex's hand toward the garage door. Still in Alex's arms, Bronwyn joined them.

Owen, flushed and looking exhausted, was wiping the babies' faces and highchairs while Amelia lingered in the doorway. "Hey…" he offered without looking up. He was still wearing the suit he'd worn to the hospital that day, although the shirt was now decorated with baby oatmeal cereal and the jacket and tie were resting on the back of a dining room chair.

"Hey," Amelia echoed. "We should probably get the kids to bed and then talk, huh? I have some things I need to say, and I'm guessing you do too."

"I'm… uh… I'm beat. My head is pounding, my stomach is churning, and my ears feel like glass shards are having speed skating races in their canals. Talking will have to wait. I'm going to bed," Owen explained without even catching her eye. "I can barely stand, Amy. Sorry, but you're on your own the rest of the night." He set the dishtowel on the counter and walked toward the stairs. He lifted his hand up to his head grabbing onto his throbbing skull.

When he reached the bedroom, Owen undressed and threw on a pair of running shorts. He overheard Amelia thank Alex for bringing her home and heard the front door open and close. At the bathroom mirror, he looked at himself and saw his bloodshot eyes and reddened face. He looked like hell. He melted into a heap on the bathroom floor, resting his face against the cool tile surrounding the tub.

"What's going on?" Owen heard Amelia ask flatly from the bathroom doorway.

Without lifting his head or opening his eyes, he groaned, "I feel like crap, Amelia. That's what's going on."

Amelia pursed her lips and apologized, "I'm sorry. I… I really needed to go to a meeting. That's where I was."

"The whole damn time? For three hours?!" he asked with a raised voice. Realizing the yelling only made his head pound more, Owen concluded by groaning, "Sorry. Whatever, Amelia. Whatever."

Amelia's temporary serenity began to fade as real life grew larger and louder. Before leaving the room, Amelia asked, "Can I get you anything?"

"No," Owen sighed.

Amelia closed the bedroom door on her way out and headed downstairs to break the weekday No TV rule. A Disney movie, some popcorn, and snuggles with the kids sounded like the perfect way to end her disastrous day.