Chapter 50

Sam breathed in and breathed out rapidly, her oxygen mask cloudy, and tears spilling down her cheeks as Alexis rocked her in her arms.

"Sam, please. You have to calm down. Please, Sam… take slow deep breaths…"

"He-he saved me!"

Alexis rubbed small circles on her back. "Please, calm down."

Sam ripped off her mask, sobbing. "I don't understand… I don't… I don't…"

Alexis grabbed the mask and brought it back up to Sam's face. "Sam, you need to wear this!"

Sam pushed it away. "I'm nothing…" She leaned forward and coughed hoarsely into her fist.

"Sam, put your mask on. For Danny. For Scout. Breathe, Sam. Breathe."

Sam took a deep breath and coughed again. Alexis wrapped the mask around her face, then pulled Sam close to her again and kissed her forehead.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay," Alexis said, crying with her.

Sam's sobs decreased to soft crying as her breathing slowed. Alexis pulled a package of Kleenex from her pocket and pulled out a tissue. She wet it with her tongue and started to wipe some of the soot from Sam's face.

"It's okay," Alexis repeated. "You're going to be okay."

"But… maybe… I … he saved me."

"Because he's good at saving people. Finn said he also saved Ava and Nina," Alexis said. "But is he good at the everyday things? Is he a good father? Was he a good husband? Because unless my memory fails me, he treated you horribly when you were married and when you were pregnant with Danny and when you thought Franco raped you."

She pulled her mask off again, breathing slowly, and raised a hand in protest when Alexis tried to put it back on. "I'm okay now. He saved Danny from Heather Webber… then he took us home with him. He chose us. We were going to be a family."

"Until he got that call and left you, only to be shot off those docks. There will always be a phone call to take him away, and not like a normal job."

Sam swallowed hard. "He'll always put Sonny and Carly first."

Alexis nodded. "Even before his own children."

Sam squeezed her eyes shut and more tears fell down her face. "Like I was putting life with Jason before Danny and Scout."

Alexis frowned and stroked her hair.

"Now my children are paying for my lifestyle choices," Sam continued. "For having Jason in my life, for going after Shiloh."

"But you didn't always do that. It's not too late, honey, you can still put your children first. You still have that choice."

"You know, when Jason came back, I wanted to stay with Drew. I loved our life together. I loved him. That's why I chose him."

"That's very understandable. He put you and the kids first."

Sam sighed. "But that part of me… a part of me was screaming out for Jason. For the way things used to be. How he was there for me when my daughter died. When Danny died. When he was the first person to make me feel like I matter. That part of me needed him back."

Alexis took a deep breath and pushed away some fresh tears from her own eyes. "The part of you that feels like you don't matter? The part of you that feels abandoned when you were born?"

Sam turned away and nodded slowly. "I know you didn't have a choice… I get that now. But…"

"But you still feel abandoned," Alexis said.

"It's just when Jason saves me from those creeps… it's crazy I know… but Kevin's making me realize… that part of me feels like, like I'm being saved from… from my father."

"Because you didn't have anyone to save you from him back then."

Sam nodded.

"So, that feeling, does it last or only in the moments that he saves you?" Alexis asked.

Sam stared at her lap. "When he saves me or is there for me."

"And how often is he there for you?"

"Not often."

"Outside of that feeling, do you feel happy when you're with him?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes."

"And when was the last time you were truly happy?"

Sam finally looked up at her. "Scout's first birthday party."

"And why is that?"

"I was surrounded by the people that I love and people that loved me. I mean, Krissy and Lucas weren't there, and I was mad at Dad at the time…"

"But you felt loved and like you mattered without having to be saved from a dangerous situation?"

She nodded. "And even though Jason was back at that time, I wasn't thinking about him at the party or about him saving me. I had Drew, the kids, you, Molly there."

"And do you think you deserved to feel that way? Do you think you deserve to have someone love you the way Drew loved you?"

Sam paused for several seconds before saying, "I don't know."

Alexis tucked some hair behind Sam's early and smiled. "I think you do. You deserve that and more. But right now, I think you need to focus on your children and yourself first, which I know you've been making steps towards. I'm very proud of you."

Sam smiled slightly.

The curtains parted and Julian rushed in out of breath. "I just heard. Sam, are you okay?"

Sam nodded and locked eyes with Alexis. "I will be."

Alexis climbed out of the bed and stood next to Julian.

"When Curtis and I went on that stakeout…" Julian said. "I thought you were staying behind to do research with Spinelli. What were you doing at Ava's gallery?"

Sam sighed. "I was looking for something for Mom."

Alexis' mouth dropped slightly.

"What?" Julian asked.

"Helena's portrait, so Mom can burn the codicil."

Alexis groaned. "Sam, when I said that I was just talking. I didn't mean for you to go looking for it."

"Well, I'm glad you're all right," Julian said. "But Ava, I need to check on her too."

"Julian…" Alexis squeezed his arm. "I'll go find out about Ava. I think Sam needs a good visit with her dad."

Sam smiled slightly.

Alexis kissed Sam's forehead. "I love you, and you matter."