Chapter 50.
Jack enjoyed hearing about Carl Kranz. His life had been brief, but full of love and generosity and enthusiasm. Lots of people who lived decades longer made less difference to the world around them. Sarah brushed away a few tears as she spoke of him and her voice sometimes faltered, but she smiled a lot too.
She showed him a photo album filled with pictures of family happiness and every time he saw the big, warm grin of Carl Kranz, he loved him a little more, especially when he saw pictures of him with his arms around his mother, lowering his head to negate a large height disparity and looking as if the only thing he wanted to do was be at her side forever.
Forever was a relative term for humans and not only humans.
Castiel had gone to fetch the meat for the stew from the deep freeze in the cellar. Jack, conscious of his Dad's excellent hearing, whispered to Sarah, "Could I have a copy of that photograph of you and Carl outside the house?"
"Why do you want it, dear?" she asked.
"Because I love you both and because I want to be like Carl, to make good use of whatever time I have."
"Jack, you're immortal." she said, looking troubled.
"Technically, yes, but ... If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else, especially not Dean, Sam and Castiel?"
"Of course." she said.
His volume dropped even more. He breathed, more than whispered the words, "I've always felt that I won't be here long. I've always believed that anything I want to do has to be done soon."
"Oh, my dear, it's hard to hear you say that."
He smiled to reassure her. "It's not a bad thing. My time around the Winchesters has taught me that length of life is not as important as what you do with it. I just need to make sure I do enough. Carl wasn't less important because he left early. He made his life matter. He made every day count. If I can do that, I can die without regret."
"Yes, but don't become fatalistic. You fight for every day, Jack, because those who love you will never be as philosophical about your death as you are. If anything were set in stone, dearest Castiel would not have rebelled."
"Unless his rebellion was also set in stone." said Jack.
"Do you think it was?" said Sarah.
Jack considered it. "No." he said, "No, he and the Winchesters write their own story."
"And you're a Winchester too, so never let anyone else write yours, or end it early." she said, "I have a copy of that photograph in a box somewhere. I'll find it for you."
Castiel came up the stairs from the cellar, carrying a large dish filled with beef. "I thawed out the meat. What else do you need?"
"Thanks for doing that, Castiel." she said, "Your powers can be very useful. I'll need some herbs, a little garlic. You know the herb garden as well as I do, you can fetch some later. For now, I want to talk to both of you. Things are not easy at the bunker, are they?"
"We're not supposed to talk about that." said Jack, "It's confidential."
"We can talk about it to Sarah." said Castiel.
"Castiel, Sam and Dean all agree that you can talk to me." said Sarah,
"Sarah wouldn't lie about that." said Castiel, "Which means she is an exception to all our non-disclosure agreements and also means that she has been asked by Dean or Sam or both to talk to us, just as I asked her to talk to them." He looked at Sarah accusingly.
"Don't be angry, with them or with me." she said, "Dean asked me. Sam worked out that Dean or you had asked me and he agreed to talk anyway. He needed someone to talk to, bless him. So do you, especially if you can't talk to Dean. They love you both and they're worried."
"Worried about me?" said Jack.
"Yes, dear. They worry that being a part of their family might put you under pressures you're not ready for. They worry that your heart is bigger than your strength."
"You have to tell them I'm fine." said Jack.
Castiel shook his head. "Those words will be on all our gravestones, the big Winchester lie."
"I am fine." Jack insisted.
"Castiel, you are forbidden to die." said Sarah.
"It really isn't up to me." said Castiel.
"No, it's up to us." said Jack and we've decided you're not expendable."
"No gravestones, for anyone." said Sarah, "I have been to enough funerals."
"Well, we'd be burned anyway, a hunter's funeral." said Castiel.
"Enough, Castiel. No dying." she said. She smiled at Jack. "Sam said lovely things about you, about how unselfish you are, how you always choose the right thing to say or do."
"Sam said that?"
"Yes. He loves you very much. They all do. So if they show concern, it's only because they never want their problems to hurt you."
Jack met Castiel's eyes and smiled. "When they share their problems with me, it's not pain I feel, but love. They trust me. They will be honest with me. They show me their weaknesses and fears. I'm a nephilim. Who would trust Lucifer's nephilim son? Only my family. Only Sam and Dean and Castiel."
"Maybe you really are fine." said Castiel.
"I am. I really am. And when I'm not, I can say so, because if Dean Winchester can admit he's not okay, anyone can."
"Dean Winchester often can't." said Castiel.
"He's learning to and he's been very honest with me recently." said Jack.
"Good." said Sarah, "That can only be good for both of you."