XXXIX.

The next morning before the dawn, Amanda woke up, finding herself enfolded by Rick, his legs and arms wrapped around her tightly as they lay on their sides, his hand still holding hers. Lowering her eyes, Amanda stared at their tangled hands, the gold of their rings still glinting in the gloom.

Since they'd come back to the house and retired to their room, Amanda couldn't sleep well, and it wasn't because of the ache she still had at her back… no. Snapshots from the night flashed before her eyes—and she shook her head to shoo them away. She really must be crazy, real batshit crazy…love was driving her crazy, the way they'd fucked—unhinged, crazed, frenzied… It was a miracle she hadn't hurt herself again, starting to bleed. Sometimes it scared her—scared the shit out of her—the ferocity, the deep intensity they shared, manifesting itself the most for fighting or having sex—ripping each other apart or fucking each other out of their minds, but most of the times it made her feel like…like she was fucking up everything once again in tremendous ways. She'd wanted to calm him down, wanted to loosen him up, but instead got him bang her at the ass in a church on their feet, like she was a bitch in heat. She was doing a fantastic job being a good wife, just like she'd expected. Her eyes at their rings, she let out a sigh.

Then it fucking happened again, she felt it—sobs rising out of her—her eyes welling—and before she could stop herself, she started crying—again. She was fucking hating—th—this!

Then she heard Rick heaving out behind her, and he whispered into her ear, "Amanda—baby—why—what happened?" he asked, dipping his head over her shoulder so he could see her.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I—I don't know—I just don't know…"

He nodded, tightening his arms further, "'s okay…just it let go."

The words frustrated her further—it wasn't okay! She flipped on her side towards him, "No! It's not okay," so she told him, "I screw up everything—" She shook her head again, tears openly running over her cheeks, "I can't do anything right!"

His eyes narrowed, "Amanda—what are you talking about?"

"I—I w-wanted to calm you down—instead got you fuck me in a church—This isn't how a wife is supposed to be! I always fuck up everything."

Rick was staring at her, "Amanda—"

She cut her off, "I even managed to run down Grady to the ground in what—two weeks?" she whispered at him furiously, "Dawn kept it up more than two years!"

"Amanda! Someone died in his sleep. It wasn't your fault."

Her cries coming out even worse, she shook her head— "I couldn't even stop a fucking kick!" she sobbed between cries, folding her legs towards her legs, "Just let him kick me—I got nine-hundred-five hours of self-defense classes at the academy, I counted!"

"Amanda…"

She brought her hands over her face, "I'm good for nothing!" she cried out, "I turn everything into a mess. Why do you even love me?"

His hands held hers, and brought them down, "Hey—look at me—Amanda, look at me," he repeated when she hadn't. "You do know why I love you. That bastard—that bastard—I should've stopped him even before he laid a finger on you. It wasn't your fault. Nothing was your fault. You wouldn't know Percy would've died. And…I—I did worse than having sex in a church—worse things. I killed people—before we came to Grady, I killed the rest of Terminus's people in the church. We set up a trap in the church and we killed them there…" His eyes found hers, his fingers tightening around hers, "You don't turn everything into a mess. You saved Grady. Without you, we would've just stormed off the place. Without you, I would've turned into a further mess..."

Staring at him back, she shook her head, "No…no…you're—"

"I'm barely holding up," he said, cutting her off, "You make me want to be better—for you, for Judith, for Carl…for all of you. You make me…try. You tell me I'm not that man. You gave me a ring to remind me who I am." He gave her a rueful smile, "Baby, you're the best thing happened to me after a long time."

She looked at him back, swallowing, "You're the best thing happened to me all in my life," she confessed.

Pulling her closer, he inhaled her scent, resting his head at the juncture of her neck and shoulder, "Baby—" he whispered out at her ear, but this time she cut him off.

"Sometimes it kills me, Rick—" she said as he lifted his head back to look at her, "knowing that you loved someone else before me—I never felt for anyone what I feel for you before—it's—it's—I don't know—I don't like feeling it—it makes me feel like—like—like I'll always be the second for you—the one you settled with because—" There again it came—and stopping, she furiously shook her head as he lifted his head from her neck. She'd accepted it, it was what it was, the truth, a fact, and she wanted to be with him, all the rest to be damned, but why the hell it still hurt that much?

Rick gave out a sigh, shaking his head, too, "Amanda please," he told her, his voice soft and earnest, "Please. You know it isn't true." He closed his eyes for a second, inhaling deeply before continued, "Yes—I—I should've put back it together with her, I wanted to make things right again... find a place where we could be safe and start again but—" He paused as she started pulling back. It was just like how she had thought—just how she'd known—another fact, she couldn't deny. Rick held her tightly as she moved back an inch and pulled her back against himself, "Listen to me, I—I loved Lori. She was my wife, the mother of my children—I—when she died, I turned into a mess, but I never felt like this with her, Amanda… I would've never lost it and fucked her like I did you last night."

She flinched back, words coming at her like a whip, and pulled back from his embrace. Of course. Lori would've never gotten fucked like her, on her feet, clothes still on, like she was some bitch in heat he could play his fantasies on. "Of course," she hissed, wiping off the tear strains over her cheeks, her crying suddenly stopping as well, "That would be only me, right? What's Amanda Shepherd is good for… A filthy fuck on the feet, banged at her ass. Something you could've never done with Lori."

His eyes narrowing, he scowled, she could see it even in the gloom of the dusk. "Amanda," he called out at her, his voice losing the soft timber in it, "Stop doing this, stop twisting my words. You know it wasn't what I meant."

"Then perhaps you should start expressing yourself better, Rick," she shot back, "Somehow you always manage to say things you don't mean."

"Don't turn this on me," he warned, his scowl growing wider, "You came at me, Amanda," he reminded her then, "You kissed me first. You told me you asked Denise if we could it at the other way, you said you wanted it. Now—you're acting out crazy again because I did what you asked…"

Fuming, she jolted up from the bed, "Yeah, lucky there's me. Lori would've never let you put it that way, right?" she hissed.

He caught her because she could sweep off the bed and pulled her back on it. "Amanda—" he started but she cut him off.

"I'm going to sleep," she said, turning away from him. God—she just wanted to stop now. Why the hell she'd started this at the first place? She wanted to be with him, she just had to accept the rest. She just had to swallow the bitter pill, and suck it up, like she always did, like Beth had told her to do—It was what it was… She was what she was, too, and she was never going to apologize for being she was, and why the hell she was feeling like this?

Rising on his elbow, he placed his hand on her shoulder, "Amanda—"

She turned her head over her shoulder, "You'll go to dry on in the morning. You need to sleep, too."

"No—" He pulled her on her back, "You always do this—We're gonna talk."

"I don't want to talk," she said, huffing, "If we talk, we'll end up fighting again. I don't want to fight, Rick—I don't want to fight with you anymore. Let's forget about it."

He shook his head, "No, we won't forget about it. You won't forget about it. If we don't talk it now, you're gonna press it down until you can't—then we'll have a real fight. I'm not doing it anymore, Amanda. You will listen to me, and we will settle down this thing."

"Rick—"

"Shut up—" he hissed at her, "and listen to me, listen to me truly. I said I never felt like this with her, and I meant it. What'd happened at the church happened not because you kissed me, Amanda. It happened because I lost it. You're making me lose it—and I can't help it. You damn broke up with me in the morning, and at the evening we got back together. When Lori and I used to fight, and we used to fight a lot, it used to go on for days, sometimes even weeks, I didn't talk, and she couldn't crack me up. With you, everything is a turmoil, but I can't stay away. We can't stay apart—we either fight or fuck, but we can't stay apart. So yeah, I would've never fucked her like I fucked you—I could've never lost it that much—because, you idiot, I never felt for anyone what I feel for you before, too." He paused, and climbing on her, he held her face with both hands, his eyes locked on hers, "Amanda, I never loved anyone the way I love you before."

She stared at him with widened eyes—something inside her felt like—melting—and her head turning, and she hugged him fiercely, wrapping her legs around his waist— "Say it again," she whispered at him.

"I never loved anyone the way l love you, you fool," he obliged as she let out a deep sigh, her body relaxing wrapped around him—her insides melting—she closed her eyes, "Again—"

"Amanda…"

"Please…"

"You're childish…"

She paused for a second… "Yes." Another pause, "Say it anyway."

His lips as they formed a closed smile found her neck, and he pressed a kiss at her collar bone, "I never loved anyone the way I love you."

# # #

The next time they woke up, they'd turned around their places, now Amanda was laying over him, draped over half of his chest, their legs tangled with each other, as he'd found her hand again in the sleep. She smiled lazily, warm—cozy feelings returning to melt her insides—and she wondered when he woke up again, she could get him to tell her again. She wanted to hear it. God, she knew she was pathetic, childish and pathetic, but she wanted to hear it. She wanted to hear it thousands of times.

He had never loved anyone the way he loved her… She was as unique as to him as he was to her. It made her feel…important like she'd never felt before, like she really mattered… just because who she was…like how her baby would've been—and even though, Amanda knew it was childish, pathetic, and stupid, she just wanted to have it…feel it…being important to someone.

When she'd finished things off with Michael, the lawyer she'd been seeing—he'd just—accepted it. He'd tried to call her a couple of times—but then stopped when she'd refused to talk… And it hurt… God, she was a fool, but it hurt. She didn't know what she'd expected…but wouldn't have he at least tried a bit further if he really wanted to be with her?

She knew every shrink said you should never test love—and she of course knew it was again about her damn insecurities—but still… Granted, she hadn't been testing Michael, she hadn't been Rick, either, when they'd first broke up, but the fact was that Rick had come to her the morning after, biting her head, and taking off his ring whereas Michael had just let her go.

Maybe it was shrinks that got it all wrong… Testing had always worked for her, too, even with Rick, so it couldn't be that bad, right?

She didn't know. This relationship stuff was very confusing, another reason why she'd always tried not to get involved with it. Amanda really hated when things became…complicated. Simple, plain, and boring… it always had been her life motto.

She laughed out, her body shaking with her laughter. "Hmm…." Rick mumbled out under him, "What's funny?" he asked, his eyes still closed, but his hand started drawing patterns across her back.

She trembled as his fingertips touched her skin lightly, and shook her head. "Nothing… I just thought…" she smiled again, "I always wanted my life to be simple, plain and boring…and look at me now… we're writing a textbook case for dysfunctional relationships while going out killing monsters on a regular basis." She shook her head, "Not exactly plain and boring. You'll do some crazy shit tomorrow."

His hand moved to her hair, and started playing with it, "I know what you mean…" he muttered, then bowing his head, he gave her a look, "Can never imagine you being ever plain and boring, though."

She laughed. "I was. I was having the most plain and boring life you could ever imagine," she said, laughing.

He gave her another look in suspicion, skeptic, "What about—I even asked for it then?" he asked, "Didn't sound plain and boring…not a bit."

Blushing, she hid her face, laughing, "I—it was just sex—causal sex. Didn't mean anything."

His face turned serious. "Amanda, please, don't tell me you've never been into a real relationship before," he groaned.

She shrugged. "Relationships have never been my priority. Too much of a hassle."

"So what?" His tone hitched, "You just used to fuck people randomly?"

"No!" she answered with the same hitched tone, not liking the inclinations, "Too much of a hassle, too. No… I was just having…acquaintances with benefits."

Rick let out another deep sigh, then she continued, she didn't exactly know why, either, perhaps because she didn't like the inclinations, "There was this guy one once… a lawyer I met at our precinct. We—we were sort of together for two years. We never talked about it…I thought we were just hanging out together…two people who knew each other from work, who get drinks and sex occasionally—uh, more than occasionally…on a regular basis."

"How regular?" Rick asked.

"Um…daily?" she said back with a small voice.

Rick let out another sigh. "I see… What happened then?"

"Well, it was good first, then I don't know…I guess he went to a life crisis or something—he was older than me, was coming to his thirty. Anyway, one night he came and started talking about…uh… commitment…" She paused, "I said no."

"And?"

"And?" she asked back, lifting her head up.

"What happened?"

She shrugged, resting her head back on his chest, "Nothing. Called a few times later. I said I didn't want to talk. And…he stopped."

"Why you didn't want it?" Rick asked then, "Were you seeing other people, too?"

She shook her head. Tucking his head again, his eyes found hers, "Amanda, why did you say no? You were already in a relationship. Why didn't want to make it…official?" He paused, "Didn't want to close the door permanently?"

"No!" she said hurriedly, shaking her head, "No…" She hadn't declined Michael's offer because she thought she could've gotten better options in the future, and it scared her Rick would've thought of her like that. "I don't know… I—I don't like when things get complicated." She paused, starting to curse at herself… Where this all had come from…? "Told you…I like things plain and boring."

Rick sighed again, "Somehow I find it hard to believe…"

To dissipate the heavy moment, she forced out a laugh. God, she could've never started this. "But I do," she told him, "Dawn used to roast me so much because she thought I wasn't trying enough…" She paused a second, and shrugged again, "Well, come to think of it, I wasn't. She wanted to promote me to a sergeant before the turn and was drilling me because my lack of interest."

Bowing his head again to look at her, Rick frowned, "Okay. Relationships—you weren't used to do, because it's complicated. But why on the earth you didn't want to be promoted?"

She shrugged, "Being a sergeant means too much responsibility. Didn't want it."

Rick gave her an incredulous look. "Amanda Shepherd, you're full of bullshit."

"I am not!" she objected, "I was okay with being a plain city cop. Less dangerous, too."

He shook his head. "Lamson was listening to you at the hospital, and he was a sergeant. How that happened?"

"Uh—Dawn promoted me herself after the turn—I'm unofficially a sergeant, too. Lamson played along."

Rick nodded. "He was a smart guy."

"Yeah—" she paused, "Before you and Beth came, we…we were thinking to pass him in Dawn's place. You and Beth gave me leverage. Otherwise, Lamson would've never let me, nor the others."

Rick nodded again, his hand finding her back again. They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, Judith still sleeping—the rest of the house still sleeping. After the breakfast, Rick and others will go to for the dry on, so it was a slow morning—everyone was taking a time off with their loved ones before they saw that herd—the army of dead they needed to take care—and Amanda thought for a second if it was like this today how it was going to be tomorrow—when they really let the army go— She shuddered… and forced her thoughts away from it, and asked—because she didn't want to think about that, and because well, she was still curious, and she couldn't help herself.

She just couldn't help herself. "How was it for you?" she then asked, "Lori was your high school sweetheart, right?"

In answer, though, he shook his head. "No. We met after I finished the college. We got married pretty much afterward, though. Perhaps before we knew each other, perhaps even before we knew ourselves." He let out another sigh. "I—probably should've wait a bit longer."

She gave him a look, "Why?" she asked then just he'd questioned her, "Why you didn't? Got afraid she would've slipped away without a ring?" she added, her tone dripping wet with sarcasm, she couldn't help it, either.

Rolling his eyes at her, Rick shook his head, "I wanted to be a family." Ah, well, yes, Rick Grimes, the family man ever… He dipped his head again toward her, and gave her a smirk, "You see, I was never a lady's man before—"

She snorted, "That's what I find hard to believe."

Rick smiled. "But I wasn't. It was always Shane—" He stopped and cleared his thought as her head snapped at him, "My—partner… He—he—uh—was my childhood friend. We—we were best friends."

Looking at his eyes, Amanda nodded, not knowing what else to do. "I was always the nice one, and he was the cool one. Girls…girls like cool kids more than nice ones."

She shook her head. "I like nice ones."

Rick smiled at her, and played with her hair again, "I know."

There was that ruefulness in his smile, that tiredness in his eyes, and Amanda really wanted to do something—not because she had to—but because she just wanted to… seeing him like this hurt her… Sometimes I feel like I'm only good for killing now… She couldn't change the past, she couldn't change what had happened, but she wanted to do something, not just look at him dumbfounded, feeling at lost. But she just didn't know what to do. She raised her hand at his cheek, "I'm sorry for what happened, baby," she muttered then. She could at least that, she could at least be sorry for him. It hurt her, so deeply.

Her words, though, tightened his brows. "Do you know what happened?"

She gave him a look, "I—I figured it out."

"How?" he whispered.

She shrugged, "Good guess. I—I asked Beth then. She—she didn't decline." He frowned more, "Don't get mad. It was me. I asked her."

"Why?"

She shrugged, "I—wanted to know."

He gave her a look. "Why didn't you ask me then?"

Lifting her eyes up at her, she rolled them in a way it made him exhale deeply. "We—we need to learn how to talk each other. We can't do this anymore," he slowly grunted, but with who he was annoyed more, she wasn't sure, with himself or herself.

"He—he saved me back when it started. I—I was shot during a shootout. I was at the hospital. He closed the door with a trailer when it started, and got back to Lori and Carl, and saved them before our town was overrun and the bombings started at the city. You know what'd happened then. They thought I was dead. I woke up from the coma two months later. He kept them alive and safe the whole time. I saw first a man, Morgan and his son, outside the hospital—they told me what happened. I returned to the city to see it myself, and Glenn saved me back at there when he was a supply run, and brought me back to his campy, figured out it was the same camp Shane had brought Lori and Carl too. They were all there. Things just happened after then." He gave out a deep breath, "I guess—he—he never accepted that I was back, and Lori and Carl had me now to protect them. He started thinking I couldn't protect them as well as he could—" His voice hitched again, turning sterner, his brows tightening further, his jaw setting in, "started believing I wasn't capable of— started believing they were much better without me—that he would've made a much better husband and father than me." His heated eyes stared at her, "He told me good guys wouldn't make it out now. I told him I wasn't a good guy anymore."

She let out a soft sigh. Well, he wasn't exactly a good guy, but still…he was a better man. "He tried to kill me. We were looking for a boy that escaped from the farm, and he brought me away to kill me. I—I talked him down. I put my gun down and told him there was still going back from his. I told him we could still go back. Then I put my knife into his heart."

She let out another sigh, "You did what you had to do."

Wordlessly, he nodded. "Lori…Lori didn't take it well. Carl—Carl had followed us and saw it too. He—he took Shane out after he turned. I—I didn't know it then, didn't know we all will come back no matter what. Lori—She pulled away…She was afraid of Shane, but when I did it…" He shook his head, his voice raising, "She—she kept talking to me how dangerous he was, kept saying how he thought her and Carl as his…and but I dealt with him—she looked at me like I was a monster."

She shook her head wordlessly. "I had to…" Rick continued, "He didn't give me any choice. There was no going back from that. There wasn't. I couldn't risk it."

"Rick, baby, I know," Amanda told him through a lump her throat, understanding what her words really meant for him, why he loved her… why he'd felt it since the time she'd told him she'd saved some people, too… "I know." His arms tightened around her as he stared at the ceiling.

"One day—one day those people at the church will meet someone worse, a lot of worse than you, Rick, and then they will understand it, too," she continued, "I'm not looking for it." She let out a deep sigh, "It's gonna be hard." But it was coming; maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day. There was someone out there—some bad, psychopathic sonofabitch who had just adapted this rotten world much better than them, someone worse than Gorman—a lot of worse than Gorman, because there was always something-someone worse out there—always. "When that day comes," Amanda said, rising her head up, "they all are gonna be thankful to you, Rick, for being the man you are. You'll see."

Bowing his head, tightening his arms further, he kissed her forehead. "You—you have to be the woman you are, too, Amanda—You can't run away from who you're. You can't."

She shook her head. "I'm not—"

He cut her off, "You are," he said, stressing out the word, "You're running away from responsibility. You can't anymore. Someone has to keep these people at the line, and I'm too worked up and Deanne is too idealist. You—you are our middle ground. And you got a natural talent for it."

"For what?" she asked, frowning.

"For politics."

She snorted, "Don't insult me."

"Deanne wants to write down a constitution—"

"I know," she cut him off.

Rick nodded. "Yes, of course." He paused, and continued with a clear voice, "When this end, three of us will sit down, and start making rules. This can't go on like this." He paused again, "And I'm gonna teach them, teach 'em all how to kill a damn walker, too."

She laughed out loud, "Rick—don't tell me you've started to believe in these people."

"I believe in us," he told her seriously, "I made you a promise, Amanda, and still intending to keep it. This is going to be our home. For all of us. Remember? This's where we get to the living."

Her chest tightened so much for a second it was hard to breath. She lifted her eyes up at him, "I love you so fucking much."

He smiled at her again, "Say it again."

"I love you so—" she started but couldn't finish because his lips were already at hers.

# # #

Before the noon, Amanda watched them leave for the dry on, standing on the platform with Deanne. Beth was riding with Daryl on his back as Sasha had decided to join up to Abraham to follow them. The others were divided in three cars as Rick had assigned to them different jobs, leaving them all without any easy get away. Rick and Glenn's groups were going to deal the walkers at each side of the woods as Daryl and his team lead them away. There were going to clear out the last spot Glenn had discovered would be a problem on the road on the way back, so then, everything was going to be ready.

Funny enough, Amanda felt no panic…like…like it was just something else they needed to do before they got to the living part. And they could do it… she felt it—the belief—the blind, certain belief—they could do it…because Rick believed it. It filled her insides like a warm summer sun—melting her again—like inside her something—something she wasn't even aware had been frosted before was melting, and turning to Deanne who was staring ahead with a worried look, she smiled at the older woman.

"Everything was going to be okay," Amanda told her, "We got this."

Everything was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. They were going to sit down and talk, and were going to put this place into a shape—safe and secure, and Rick and her—they were going to have another baby… it made her…disturbed, like she was replacing her lost baby with another one, but she wanted to have a baby—she still wanted to have Rick's baby—be a family—and lived, together, all of them. That was a living.

They stayed at the watch post, watching the outside the world, the world that tried to hurt them, but Amanda felt—courageous she had never felt before.

She could do this. They could do this…

Then she noticed it… Two running figures towards them, running like hell—then she recognized the sunshine hair… "Beth!" she yelled out up from the post, and ordered at Spencer who was at the guard duty— "Open the doors!"

She started climbing down the ladder as Beth and Maggie stepped in the gate. "What happened?" she asked, eyeing the blood stains over their shirts.

"It—it's happening now," Beth told her out of breath, words coming out of difficulty, "The truck that blocked the passage has gone off the edge. They're doing it now."

Amanda lifted her neck up, and stared at ahead… She shook her head. She never learned her lessons, never.

A/N: Oh dear god, I just made a Negan reference, yes! Feel pretty evil :)

And they passed a whole chapter in the bed, actually talking about past. I was planning to do this talk for a long time-felt good it was finally happened too, besides some building up was necessary before the army of the dead arrived at our doorsteps. The next chapter will have Rick's awesome "This's an insane world" speech, something I really liked a lot at the show!

Hope you're still with me, reading and enjoying.