Chapter 63.
In the car, with Sarah beside him, Dean tried to think about the party, but his thoughts kept going back to all the promises he had made, to her and to the others, that he would finally deal with his issues.
At one moment, he'd tell himself his doubts meant he wasn't ready and should change his mind, but the next minute, he'd decide that the doubts were just from his fear of trying to change and that he would never lose them until the change was achieved. Whenever he glanced at Sarah, she turned and smiled at him, as if she knew every thought in his head.
He glanced at the parcel on the back seat. "You got him a picture?"
"Something for his room at the bunker." she said.
Dean nodded. "Nice."
"I know you worry about it, but the bunker is home to him. He always tells me he's going home when he leaves my house for the bunker."
"You spend a lot of time reassuring me." said Dean.
"Are you going to tell me you don't need reassurance?"
He looked at her, seeing the look in her eyes that said, very clearly, that a glib remark would not get anywhere with her. "No." he said, "I just don't want you to waste too much effort on me." He stopped. That wasn't going to work either. "What I mean is ... " He remembered what Cas had said in the cabin. "What I mean is that I have a hell of a lot of baggage and a stack of unmet needs and I need everything you can give me because since I was four years old, I've really had none of it. But it isn't your job and needing isn't the same as being owed, so don't ever feel you have to be the one putting right a lifetime of wrongs."
"Oh Dean," she said, "That's another giant leap right there."
"To be honest, Cas helped me figure that out a while ago."
"Cas didn't make you say it just now." she said, "As much as you have to call yourself out on the nonsense, you also have to own your victories. That was one. That was a big one."
"It's not easy." he said, "My mind wants to use the script it knows."
"Yes, it does. How does it feel to break the pattern?"
"Good." he said, "Scary." he added.
"The moment you made that first step, you started to fight and win. I know how hard it is. It was hard for me too. It feels so much safer, hiding in the unhealthy patterns. Even as your soul is dying, you tell yourself, 'At least I'm not out there, living the pain.' It takes so much courage to try."
"I don't always have the kind of courage I need." he said. That too felt like breaking out of the safe cocoon of hopelessness. He could not have said that to Sam. Sarah knew it already, so saying it would not shatter her illusions.
"You have more courage than most." she said, "As for the unmet needs, I have some of my own. Carl was everything to me. Every day he lived, I had a purpose. I had someone to take care of, even when he was away at school. After his death, one of the hardest things to bear was that there was nobody left for me to love and care for. Nobody needed me."
"All the people you have helped since would disagree." said Dean, "You helped victims of torture."
"And torturers." she said and he flinched at the word.
"You still punish yourself constantly, don't you?" she said.
"I have reason to." he said, "But we can't talk about it now. I can't be a wreck at the party. Cas has to enjoy this party."
"I understand." she said, "This isn't avoidance."
"No." he said.
"So we'll talk about it at my place, in a day or so?"
"As soon as I can get away." he said.
"Good."
"How well would avoidance work with you?" he said.
"Dean, dear, I avoided dealing with my feelings for years too. I know every trick in the book and a few scribbled on envelopes and used as bookmarks. How do you think I know when you're avoiding and when you have a genuine reason not to engage with the difficult parts of your life? Today, you just want Castiel to be happy."
"He deserves happiness."
"Yes, more than anyone else in the world. And so do you. Please don't try not to be happy. I know it's all wrapped up in guilt about Hell and grief for lost loved ones, but you are alive and loved and you deserve to be happy. So dance today and eat and enjoy seeing your friend, your brother, getting the wonderful party he deserves."
"Which he is only getting because of you." said Dean, "Don't think I'll forget that. I won't forget anything you've done for us."
"It's not a one-way thing, is it, Dean? My life is infinitely better since I met Castiel and as I get to know all of you, it improves even more. I had a lovely long chat with your mother earlier. She's very like you."
"In all the best and worst ways." said Dean.
"She loves you very much."
"I know." he said, "And I love her. Having her back is so good for us."
"On the subject of your family, you told Sam there was no need for secrecy. Does that mean I can tell them things you tell me? Unless, of course, you ask me not to."
"Yeah. I'll probably regret it, but for now, I want to be as open about all this as possible. I've tried fighting alone and it never works out well. But please tell me if you ever think they can't handle it or that I'm being unfair to them."
"I'll always be honest with you, my dear. All I ask is that you try to always be honest with me."
"I will try." he said, noting gratefully that she had not asked him to do more than try. She knew the limitations a lifetime of bad habits had left him.