A/N: My friend Flamestar told me about this thing called Mistlefoe and it gave me this stupid idea.
Also, this I why RNG sucks and using randomizers to write never works (at least for me). Sometimes, you just secretly want some things to happen, but you just can't admit it to yourself.
The holiday season was always a really busy season at the Smash mansion. Crazy Hand would always insist on having mistletoe everywhere, he'd tell Master Hand that it was to make the mansion feel greener", but everyone knew he only did it for blackmailing purposes. This would lead some fighters getting paranoid because they did not want to kiss their worst enemies and have everyone else know about it.
The last year had been great for the fighters because two pretty boys had burnt down all the mistletoe except the one in the living room. Crazy Hand wouldn't allow this to happen again. He was blackmailing the fighters whether they liked it or not. They were his source of income and he was not letting them get away with not making him nay money.
Crazy Hand gathered all the fighters that were at the mansion in the meeting room to announce the year's plans for the holiday season. Naturally, none of them were paying attention until he mentioned the word "fighting".
"This year, we won't have mistletoe but mistlefoe," the hand explained to the uninterested fighters, "When two people are underneath mistlefoe, they will engage in combat. I expect to see nothing but fighting this year. Any questions? Yes, Ganondorf."
"Can we kill people?"
"Eh, if you revive them afterwards, I don't see the problem with a little bit of killing."
Crazy Hand was trying to decorate the mansion but he kept getting interrupted by fighters. It looked like everyone wanted to be the first one to go underneath the mistlefoe.
"You have to let me be the first person underneath the mistlefoe," Ganondorf insisted, "I will let you attend my customer service for free."
"I should-a be the first-a one," Mario argued, "I was-a the first-a fighter invited-a here."
"I am Sakurai's son, I will be the first one underneath the mistlefoe," Kirby smirked, "If you don't respect my orders, you'll get kicked out of Smash."
"So, many good arguments..." Crazy Hand sighed, "I know! I'll hold a big event and draw two lucky winners."
The fighters wanted to protest but they knew it would be in vain. When Crazy Hand made up his mind, it was near impossible for him to change his stance on something.
Thanks to his amazing connections, Crazy Hand managed to get the stage where he'd hold the drawing event built in a couple hours. All the fighters had been invited and but only two of them would get to take part in the first fight.
"Thank you, thank you," Crazy Hand said as he floated onto the stage while all the fighters cheered, "Now, I know you guys are all really excited but sadly, Master Hand has forced me to do some terms and conditions and since he is here, I sadly must read them out loud for you..."
The crowd was now dead. The majority of the fighters never read the terms and conditions and even those who did didn't like reading them. They just wanted to fight, that was why they were in Smash after all. It wasn't like they had been taken away and brainwashed or anything like that.
"But fuck that and fuck Master Hand! Let's draw our two lucky winners!"
The crowd went wild. Crazy Hand was a genius in the art of hyping up the crowd, unlike his brother who was boring and had a stick up his missing ass.
"Our first lucky fighter is… Link!"
"Hell yeah!" the Hylian champion shouted as he high-fived his friends.
"Link, how do you feel right now?" Crazy Hand asked as he invited Link onstage.
"Words can't describe how I feel right now."
"I suppose hya is what you want to say right now."
"No, what I mean is. Today's the first time I'm ever rooting for Ganondorf."
"Can't blame you. Alright, our second lucky fighter is… Mewtwo! Mewtwo? Where is he?"
"He's on vacation," Kirby explained, "But he told me if something like this happened, you should give me his spot."
"Lol, no. Our second lucky fighter is… Palutena!"
"Oh, that's-" Palutena started before getting cut off.
"I volunteer!" Kirby screamed, "As her adopted son, I will take her spot!"
"I can't decide," Crazy Hand admitted, "I'm drawing again. Bowser, you're up."
"As Bowser's best friend-" Ganondorf spoke up.
"Mega Man. Not here, damn it! Oh, well… King Dedede!"
"Oh, yeah!" King Dedede jumped up the stage before being kicked by Kirby.
"Dedede, Sakurai's calling you for a meeting."
"Wii Fit," Crazy Hand spoke, "Wait, no, that would be boring. Isabelle… No, that would be unfair to Link. No, no one likes Corrin. Luigi, wait no… I can see Mario and Daisy standing up. Falco, you're our lucky second fighter."
Falco jumped up excited for his upcoming match. But something he never expected happened.
"As his boyfriend, I will take his spot!" Fox shouted.
"W-what!?" Falco stuttered in confusion, "We're not dating!"
"Falco, we must come out to everyone. You're so tsundere. Yes, we've been dating since Melee."
"I am not tsundere, Fox. You know we're not dating. You're just copying that one South Park episode. I bet you're going to start singing-"
"I swear! By the moon and the stars, I'll be there!"
"Aw, that's cute but I can't have you taking someone's spot," Crazy Hand admitted, "I'll draw again."
"Oh, come on! You're telling me I lied for nothing?"
"Stop being tsundere, Fox. Now, Young Link… Wait, that won't make for funny photos. You're making me miss the old old Link. Donkey Kong, no… No one will buy my photos. No one cares about Olimar. There are two Ice Climbers so you guys are eliminated for illegally partnering up. Man, this is harder than I thought it would be. Lucas, wait no. I do not want to see PK fire."
"Um, Ness is the spammer, not me," Lucas defended himself, "I will fight Link without using any special moves."
"I'll get in trouble if I use you. King K. Rool is too gross, won't make for good composition. Fuck, Sonic. Pit, you get to fight Link."
"Hell yeah!" Pit cheere.
Dark Pit wanted to interrupt and give some lame excuse to take Pit's place but he didn't want to admit he was a Pit clone. Luckily, some of Pit's friends had other plans.
"I'll share my food with you, if you give me your spot!" Ike shouted.
"Ike, why did you have to ruin this?" Master Hand asked, "Now Crazy's going to draw again."
"Joker- God damn it, Kirby!" Crazy Hand shouted, "Fuck it, Ganondorf just go fight Link. I don't care anymore. Fuck RNG."
And so the legendary battle took place and Crazy Hand snapped many compromising photos. Once it was over and Link naturally came out on top because he doesn't lose to Ganondorf and Ganondorf's low tier anyways, everyone started fighting.
The next day, all the fighters were in for a huge surprise. Crazy Hand couldn't wait for all the fighters' reactions but little did he know, he wouldn't get the reactions he was expecting.
"Excuse me, Dad, but how could you lose to fucking Pichu?" Bowser Jr. asked his dad as he showed him a picture of Pichu kicking Bowser in the face.
"I'm so sorry you had to see that, son," an ashamed Bowser apologized.
"I am disgusted!" Daisy shouted as she shoved a picture into everyone's face, "Why did Crazy Hand post a picture of the one time Rosalina pinned me to the ground. I was beating her the entire time!"
"Wow, that looks like a cover of a por-" Peach tried to say before being cut off by Luigi.
"He just doesn't-a want-a people to fear you! All it-a takes is one-a look and-a people know you'll-a obliterate-a them."
Crazy Hand returned to his office feeling disappointed. His little plan hadn't worked out as expected. Sure, he had made a lot of money, but he just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit. Why did Christmas always have to be depressing at the Smash Mansion? Nothing ever went right. Was there some god deciding that the smashers couldn't be happy during Christmas?
Yes.
A/N: Thanks for reading!
But seriously, fuck RNG. And yeah, I don't like Hero.
If you wanna chat about anything or get updates you can join the smash prose discord server (remove spaces): discord . gg / zeHaT2Z
See you guys next chapter!