Chapter 53.
When Cas joined Dean at the car, Dean said, "Listen, I never meant to suggest you couldn't do this."
"Good." said Cas, "I'm not completely useless."
"Cas, you're one of the most useful people we have." said Dean.
Cas backed away a little, trying to focus his mind on something so he didn't accidentally read Dean's thoughts and feelings.
"What's wrong?" said Dean.
Cas bent and lifted the car. "Let's get this done." he said.
"See? Useful." said Dean, getting down to work.
"I know that Sam told you about me picking up on your feelings when he was reading that book with Mary." said Cas.
"Right." said Dean.
"Right?" said Cas.
"Not sure what you want me to say." said Dean.
"I'm aware that I've been invading your privacy and I know how you feel about that."
"Not intentionally." said Dean, "Not by choice."
"That doesn't matter, to either of us."
"Cas, that's all that matters." said Dean, "You're not prying, you're just hearing or feeling or whatever. So that's what you've been freaking out about?"
"Aren't you?" said Cas.
Dean nodded. "Yeah, a little bit, but I'm not blaming you. You couldn't help it. It's just something that happened to both of us and we'll figure it out together. We're a team, Cas and you should have told me sooner that this was an issue."
"I wanted to just kill it without having to get you involved."
"I think I'm involved." said Dean, "Are you sure you can hold her long enough, because I don't want you or the car damaged."
"I won't drop your car." said Cas.
"What did you mean, kill it?" said Dean.
"There has to be a way to block the signal."
"Yeah." said Dean, sounding doubtful.
"It might take some finding. Angel experts are rare these days, angels, almost extinct. I've tried some mental exercises and I'm not picking up anything now, but I don't feel like the channel is closed."
"Do we have any idea what opened it?" said Dean.
"Sarah thinks it happened because of that time I showed you how I see you and then in Stull Cemetery, when you let me read your mind. I've been able to shut out the mental and emotional energies of humans for a long time, but we deliberately made the connection and for some reason, it stayed open to a degree."
"That sweet old lady in there came up with that?"
"That sweet old lady in there has been talking to me about angels for years. She knows a lot and she can conjecture more. She may be able to help me think of a way to close the connection, hopefully without needing anything stuck into my brain."
"And you want it closed?" said Dean.
"Of course, as much as you do." said Cas. He wanted nothing between them that could make Dean trust him less.
"Okay, then we'll find a way." said Dean, "Just don't do anything stupid. Don't do any random, head-altering stuff. This is not a dangerous thing. It's weird and uncomfortable for both of us, but as long as the only angel with direct access to my thoughts is you, I'm not about to lose sleep over it. We fix it when we can, but until then, we just accept that it's how things are."
Cas said nothing. Dean was not reacting at all how he had expected him to. He was waiting for a more typical Dean response.
"Cas, did you hear me? No needles to the head, no crazy magical ways to deaden your mind. You take no risks. You do nothing that doesn't make absolute sense to both of us, agreed?"
"I wasn't planning to use a sledgehammer." said Cas.
"I can live with you knowing what I'm thinking."
"It's mostly about what you're feeling." said Cas.
"That too. I can handle it. I don't feel a lot anyway. What I can't handle is losing our MVP because he was trying to close the communication. I need a promise, Cas. You do nothing that could backfire and cause lasting damage."
"I'm not stupid." said Cas.
"I never said you were, but you don't care what happens to you and you know that we do. So I want that promise."
"You're very overprotective." said Cas, trying not to show how much that meant to him.
"Yeah. Blame that on Sam. I can't switch off the big brother stuff. You still haven't promised."
"I promise." said Cas.
"Good. We'll find our way out of this together. You're okay with the fact that Sam told me? He didn't do it to cause trouble."
"I'm glad he told you. I've only hesitated to tell you myself because I thought you'd never trust me again. I thought you didn't know. I thought I had to find a way of telling you that convinced you that I wasn't a threat to you. I never wanted this to happen. I never knew it could happen. I need you to believe that."
"Cas, I've known you too long to imagine anything else." said Dean.
"When Sam told me you knew before you asked me to stay ... "
"You thought I'd want you to leave?"
"Of course I did." said Cas.
"Cas, I'm lying awake at night wondering how I can make you want to stick around."
"I've told you before, I don't want to go anywhere."
"Yeah, and then you say things that sound very close to goodbye."
"So do you." said Cas.
"I never mean them that way." said Dean.
"Neither do I. In Heaven, I'm not wanted or respected. On Earth, I have no great talent for integration. The only places where I feel like me are here, with Sarah and with you, at the bunker. I really don't want to end up alone."
"You sit in corners. You say nothing. You never have an opinion unless I force you to find one." said Dean.
"I want to be as little trouble as possible."
"I know you do." said Dean.
"Isn't that a good thing?" said Cas.
"You have an open window to my mind and you don't know?" said Dean.
"I am trying very hard not to use that window." said Cas.
"Sam could explain everything. I can't. It's weird, Cas. Even with this weird mind link thing, we just don't communicate. It'a my fault, I know it is. You need uncomplicated explanations and I just don't have them to give. I hate how much you feel like an outsider."
"To you?"
"No! Not to me. To yourself."
Jack came out of the house. "Can I help?" he said.
Cas let Dean give him permission. The conversation was over.