**possible violence trigger warning***
Chapter 64…
The way in which he just walked straight past me, I felt my heart sink so intensely into the pit of my stomach that it stung.
How could I have been so…so stupid?
I wanted to sort things and I wanted to make things right, I wanted to get to her.
I did it for him, I did it for all of us.
Now she's going down for a very long time I know, I just know Christian can finally sleep again.
He can breathe, he can be free, he can live his life without the worry of that manipulative bitch troll still roaming the streets.
But, now seeing his reaction, although I feel guilty...he shouldn't have done what he did either.
I should have just told him where I was and now I've just made things completely worse.
I gaze at the bouquet of flowers that had been waiting for my arrival home.
His generosity, his care, his love, his everything…
I am so so sorry Christian.
I gently stroke a petal of one of the flowers as I sigh sadly.
"He'll come around"
I jump slightly to the voice appearing from just behind me as she starts to clean the countertops.
I look at her with a petite pitiful smile.
"I messed up"
"It's what happens in relationships sweetheart. You'll both do things, but it's the getting through them that is the main focus. From what I know, you tried to do the right thing for your family, he'll realize that when you talk to him. He's stubborn and is acting out of term, but he should have known where you were too" She smiles at me with a small and sad, but hopeful smile. She understands us completely. Of course, she does. She works with us every day, she sees us together all of the time.
Situations like these need an outsider's point of view for us to see the reality.
I simply nod in agreement.
She is right.
She is so so right.
We'll get through this. We will.
I should have told him I was going to try and make things right and when he comes home I'll explain, I'll apologize and hopefully…just hopefully he'll understand and we can get through this.
I can't say I regret my decision, because finally, we have the confession we've needed for such a long time.
I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but what I do regret is not telling him about it.
I sit there pondering my thoughts, waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting for them to come home.
My hand absent-mindedly rested on my stomach.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Finally hearing the car pull up into the driveway, I make my way outside to greet them.
Teddy's bright smile has my own lips curling upwards.
Christian's gaze is sad, somewhat.
How could I have been so stupid?
He's protective and was bound to worry, overly worry, I should know him by now.
Teddy excitedly shows me his paintings and drawings from school before he rushes inside eagerly to get ready for dinner tonight.
It's been a while since we've done anything as a whole family and I think he's excited to have everyone around him again.
I'm excited too, I just hope Christian and I don't cause too much tension. Hopefully, we can talk before we leave.
I go to say something but then he takes a step beside me heading into the house.
"We'll talk after dinner," He says as he walks.
"Christian…"
He ignores me.
Now I'm getting mad.
Why is he being this way?
I'm fine.
I'm here.
Unharmed and with a confession from Elena.
What the hell is so bad?
He continues to walk and I can feel my heart racing a little quicker.
No.
I'm not doing this, I'm not doing it.
She affects him in ways in which I couldn't even imagine, but I am not her.
He can't treat me this way, right?
"Are you kidding me?" My lips betray me as they start to speak my mind.
He stops dead in his tracks and looks back towards me at a quick and sharp pace.
"What?" His eyes, his eyes are… they're not sad anymore.
They're shocked?
Darker?
Surprised?
Hmm….different.
"Are you kidding me? You expect us to go to dinner with our families with this….tension between us?"
He scoffs and shakes his head.
"If you weren't such a stubborn and selfish woman we wouldn't even have the tension okay!"
"Wow….selfish? You really think I'm selfish?"
I fold my arms.
I can feel my blood starting to boil.
Selfish?!
Everything I have done is for all of us!
For him!
How! How could he even think I'm selfish!
"Yes, Ana! Fuck sake! If you had just told me, told me where you were fucking going! Fuck, do you even realize how worried I was?"
"I should have told you, but even if I had, can you honestly say you'd have let me go?"
I glare now, my hands shaking slightly.
He's making me so….so….arghh!
I'm not the stubborn one! He is!
"We'll talk after dinner," He says sternly.
He can be as stern as he likes.
I'm not doing this, I'm not a prized possession, I'm his fiance.
I simply shake my head, scoffing as I walk past him.
"Enjoy dinner, tell everyone I'm not feeling well"
I continue up to the house.
"Are you fucking serious? You're not coming?"
"No" I reply bluntly walking through the house and I can hear and sense he's hot on my heels.
He's angry, but guess what? So am I now.
He can't control everything and he certainly can't control me.
I head upstairs towards our bedroom when he catches my hand to stop me in my tracks.
"Ana, stop"
"What Christian?"
I look at him and my eyes start to brim with emotional tears, feeling completely overwhelmed.
"Look, I'm sorry….can we just fucking talk about this after dinner?"
"And have everyone feel the awkwardness between us? Not a chance, I'm not coming"
"Yes, you are!"
Here it comes. My emotions, my tiredness, my stubbornness, my frustration pouring out into words.
"No! And you can't control me, Christian! You think you can control everything but you can't! You just can't! You want me as your wife Christian, how can we even accomplish that when you won't let me do anything! I'm your fiance, not your prized possession"
Suddenly his face drops.
As does my heart. I feel so bad saying that to him, but it's the truth…isn't it?
Am I being too harsh?
Suddenly, I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can feel the blood pumping through the entirety of my body.
Now I'm feeling guilty. I shouldn't have yelled.
He looks up at me and his hand quickly let's go of mine.
I can see the clogs turning in his mind.
He's thinking.
He's overthinking.
Great.
"A-Are you….are you saying you…you don't want to marry me?"
"What?"
What?
No…No…No…No…
How could he even think that!
I can feel the tears brimming again. My emotions getting the better of me.
"You don't want to, do you?"
I can see him breaking right in front of me.
His eyes, darkening with freight.
His hands fisting at his sides.
His emotions trying to take over but as always, he pushes them down and hides them away with his hardened exterior.
"Christian…of course I…."
"Don't…just…" He turns his back on me.
My heart starts to pound.
No…No…No…. this is not what I wanted. This is not what I planned. This is not what I had intended.
"Christian…please….just stop...Of course, I want to marry you, I lov..."
I hurry after him as he marches down the rest of the stairs and into the living room.
I'm cut off my own sentence with his own booming voice.
"Just go…you want to go? Then just go!"
"That's not what I want…Christian, I…."
"What Ana?! What is it the fuck you want?! What! Is that why you went to Elena huh? To try and get some tips to control me? Is that what you think you can do? Teaming up with her now, hmm? Well, you know what Ana! If you want to leave then you do that! Elena always said I'd end up running back to her because of a gold-digging wannabe, so maybe…that's just what I'll do"
His fists connects with the wall so hard it goes through, leaving that harshest hole and the bloodiest of hands.
When he pulls out his knuckles from the hole in the wall, blood drips down his wrist, down his arm, his elbow, covering his shirt. His eyes are dark with hatred. He's triggered. He is so so triggered by her and I have no idea what I can do.
This is all my fault. I've messed everything up.
I've seen him angry, but this?
I feel sick.
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
Not because of the blood but because of what he said.
Golddigging wannabe?
Does he want to run back to her?
Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I'm frozen in place.
"Mommy….Daddy…" A little voice comes from the top of the stairs.
When I turn my head, I see little Teddy cowering at the top of the stairs with his hands covering his ears.
Flashback of one of the first times I ever saw him, scared, timid, anxious little Theodore.
Oh my goodness….
Christian hears his voice too and when he finally turns, he must snap back into reality and suddenly his expression turns from anger and despair to sadness and guilt.
He's realized what's happened.
He's realized what he's done.
He's snapped back into reality, out of his fit of rage, his anger.
I make my way to the stairs before kneeling in front of Teddy, my tears still flowing and no matter how hard I try to stop I just can't.
"It's okay sweetheart…it's okay…." I gently rest my hand on his little knee and he immediately reaches for me.
"Teddy…Ana…"
I turn my head and I glare, "Don't", I say sharply.
And with my response, he's taken aback in surprise.
"Ana…."
"Enough Christian!"
I lift Teddy into my arms and he nuzzles into my shoulder before I feel his little head lift upwards and I already know he's looking at Christian, his inspiration, his role model, his Daddy. When I look to Christian, I can see the tears brimming in his own eyes realizing what he's done as he gazes towards his son in my arms.
"I love you, Buddy, I'm sorry," He says, his normal calming tone but with a slight shiver in his voice.
"Wuv you Daddy" Teddy whispers back to him and I see the little glimmer of hope in Christian's eyes when he hears the words replied.
We need to talk, we need to discuss what the hell just happened.
How do I even approach that?
It's like he had become a completely different person.
It wasn't Christian. He wasn't my Christian.
Elena will forever trigger him, everything she did, everything that happened when he was a child will haunt him forever.
He needs help, he does...and I just want to take him into my arms and hold him. Tell him everything is going to be alright, but right now?
Right now my own heart is breaking from his words and I can't bear to look at him at this moment in time.
How could he ever think that of me?
I know it wasn't him, I know it wasn't my Christian. But the words cut through me like burning iron ripping right through my heart.
I simply turn and I take Teddy upstairs out of the animosity and the sadness.
I love him, I love them both. I love Christian with everything I have, but tonight. Tonight was too much.
How am I meant to get over this?
Did he mean what he said?
Surely not.
I take Teddy into our room and I simply ascend into our bed with him.
He turns into my embrace and I hold him, I hold him close to me as my fingers tenderly brush through his hair.
"Mommy cwying?"
"Mommy's okay sweetheart, don't worry" I kiss the top of his little head and I embrace him a little tighter.
"Mommy not wuvs Daddy anymore?"
"Mommy loves Daddy very very much….and I love you very very much too" I smile sorrowfully down at him while his prominent bright eyes gaze up at me.
My thumb strokes over his cheekbone.
"Mommy not leaving?"
"I'll never leave you, sweetheart, not ever. I promise".
There is a small and gentle knock against the door.
"Ana….Ana let me in…please..I…"
He sighs in defeat when I don't answer, nor do I open the door.
He knows he's done wrong.
How could he?
After everything?
How could he just throw everything back in my face?
When I look down at Teddy, he's asleep in my arms and honestly? I'm grateful he is.
I look back towards the door.
Should I answer it?
Should I just leave it?
Out of everything he could have done, out of everything he could have said. The words replay over and over and over again in my mind.
'Elena always said I'd end up running back to her because of a gold-digging wannabe, so maybe…that's just what I'll do'
'Elena always said I'd end up running back to her because of a gold-digging wannabe, so maybe…that's just what I'll do'
'Elena always said I'd end up running back to her because of a gold-digging wannabe, so maybe…that's just what I'll do'
He knocks again.
"Ana…please….I'm sorry"
At his knock and voice, I feel Teddy stir in my arms.
He's not waking him up, I refuse to let that happen after what Teddy just witnessed.
I gaze towards the door, thinking.
She's such a trigger for him.
I know him, she makes him so…so…unlike him.
He's afraid, he's scared, he's intimidated, he's….that's it.
He's controlled.
He's controlled by her and I'm not so sure that'll ever change. Not after today. Will he ever not be triggered by her?
That's why his barrier came up. His worry for me, but also all of the worries she ever said to him.
I remember them all.
'She'll never be enough for you'
'That mousy little thing'
'She'll never give you what I can'
'You'll want more, you'll always want more'
'You'll always come running back to me when you realize'
Maybe she is right, maybe he will never let her go…. Unless I have something to do with it.
The fear of me getting hurt, the worry of me not telling him where I was, the worry of me even being in the same room as her, the worry of her corrupting me.
Then when he came home, the worry that I didn't want to be with him, the worry I'll leave, the anger, the rage, the destruction, the fighting.
Everything, it all stems from one place.
One person.
She triggered it.
She triggered it all.
The bitch troll.
I didn't help this situation what so ever. I know I didn't, I should have handled it better and Christian I am so so sorry. I'll tell you that when I have the courage to come out there and face you. I should have told him where I was. I should have told him I was out. I should have told him about my intentions. I should have told him that I wanted to get rid of her once and for all. For me, for Teddy, and especially for Christian.
But now….
She is gone.
She's gone for good and maybe now that she is behind bars because of what I did today, maybe he can finally be free of her vicious, venomous claws.
He can forget his worries.
He can stop being controlled by her.
He doesn't need her.
But for me….
The question is, Will I ever be enough?
Just when I thought everything was perfect, everything just spiraled into the deepest pit of darkness.
My touch of hope, Gone.
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