A Touch of Hope Chapter 65, a fifty shades trilogy fanfic

Chapter 65…

What have I done?

What the fuck have I done?

Running my hand through my hair in sheer fury and frustration with myself.

"Ana….Ana let me in…please..I…"

I knock at the door.

The fright in her face, the tears in her eyes.

And Teddy…

Fuck, he saw everything too.

"Wuv you Daddy"

His little voice pounding through my eardrums over and over and over again.

I fucked up.

I fucked up big time.

I relapsed back to the Christian I used to be. The Christian everyone scorned and loathed.

The Christian everybody attempted to fix but no one could.

No one but them.

No one but Ana and Teddy.

And now just look…look what I've fucking done.

I've fucked it all! How could I have been so stupid!

I didn't even give her a chance to explain herself I just lost it.

I didn't feel in control, I didn't feel deserving and the mention of Elena's name sent me spiraling into my old abyss of doom.

But fuck, how I've messed up.

I go to knock at the door again but I notice a red smear already covering the pined wood.

Fuck.

I glance down at my hand and there's blood trickling from my knuckles.

The wall….Fuck.

Oh, Ana, I'm so so sorry please forgive me.

I make my way back downstairs and I stare at the hole in the wall.

I just stare, stare at what my anger has done.

My heart hurts suddenly and now I feel terrified.

Terrified she's going to neglect me.

She wouldn't, would she?

Will she?

Fuck.

FUCK!

Running my hand through my hair before rushing into the kitchen to clean the blood off my hand.

Grimacing at the pain as the water rushes over the blood and I watch it stir down into the sink hole.

What have I done?

The blood won't stop.

Why won't it stop?

I pull hand from under the water and I see the deep gash in my hand.

I am such a dick.

I pull out my phone, dialing my Mom's number. I don't know what else to do.

I've fucked up and I need help.

Ring.

"Christian darling"

"Mom…." I sigh trying to keep it together.

"Christian? What's wrong?"

She can already hear the tremble in my voice.

"I've fucked up Mom….I've completely fucked up"

I sink down onto the ground, leaning back against the cupboard as I hold the phone against my ear.

"Oh my darling, what's happened?"

"I've ruined it, she's leaving me"

"Who's leaving? Oh, Christian, you don't mean Ana?"

"I fucked up…I lost it. She hates me, she wants to leave me, Mom…"

"Christian, she doesn't hate you….if there was no room in relationships for mistakes none of them would last. That girl loves you with everything she has".

"No Mom…you don't understand, I said some awful things…I think…I think my hand is broken, I don't know what to do…."

"Your hand? What happened? Oh…you didn't….oh my darling boy" She sighs sadly.

I catch a small noise come from the doorway and when I glance up Ana is stood there.

She's there, she's right in front of me.

Staring at me with saddened eyes.

"Mom I have to go….I'll call you later. Can we reschedule the dinner?"

"Of course darling, please call me later, I'm so worried about you. If you need me to come over you just let me know"

"Thanks, Mom"

I haven't needed my Mom. Not really, I've been so independent, but now she knows me better. She knows everything, everything that has ever happened I feel more trusting in her.

But now…now I feel like a disappointment.

I have completely and totally fucked up.

I put my phone back into my pocket before looking back up to where the one and only woman I ever want or need in my life from now on is standing, fiddling with the hem of her sweater nervously.

I can tell she's still upset. Her eyes are red, her hands are somewhat trembling.

Is she afraid of me?

I sit there in silence for a moment so she knows I'm no longer on the phone.

I wait for her reaction, I wait for her to look at me.

When she does, her eyes widen immediately at my hand and she rushes to me with worry.

What is she doing?

She takes my hand in hers and moves down onto her knees in front of me. Her eyes never once meet mine. But when I feel her hand against mine a shiver runs through my entire body. Her familiar warmth, love, and care.

She still worries, so that's a good sign, right?

I need to make this up to her.

I need to apologize and I hope she will forgive me.

Everything I said, everything I did, I didn't mean any of it.

She's nothing like Elena, never will be.

She doesn't want to control me, she just cares for me.

She investigates my wound, the worry on her face is clearly evident. But her eyes remain away from mine.

"Come with me…." She says quietly as she stands and carefully holding my hand in hers, she gestures for me to stand with her.

With her careful hands, she grabs a towel adding pressure to stop the bleeding and she begins to clean the wound.

I Love her.

I love her with everything I have.

She came down to speak with me, she must have?

Was it to tell me she's leaving? Or was it to come and talk things out.

Fuck, what if she is leaving? What if this is her goodbye?

No!

No, stop it! I scold myself.

Mom said Ana loves me, she said we can get through this.

We just need to talk.

I need to apologize and I need to fucking listen to her.

"Ana…," I say with the deepest of sorrows.

"Not now Christian, let's just get you cleaned up okay?"

Fuck, that hurt.

I felt the deepest spike rip through my heart.

Say calm Christian, stay calm.

I've fucked up and I need to respect her boundaries.

But I have to know, I have to know if she's leaving me.

I don't know what I'll do if she is.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep on going without her?

I can't, I couldn't.

She's not a gold digger, she's the first woman who hasn't been.

She is everything to me, her and Teddy.

Oh Teddy, how would he be if she decided to leave?

After the way I've reacted I wouldn't blame her if she did leave.

Teddy…and, the baby.

Our baby.

Fuck she's pregnant.

What if she leaves with the baby?

She wouldn't do that. Not her. Not my Ana.

All of this stress, all of this can't be doing any good.

I fucked up so badly.

Please Ana, please don't leave me.

I simply watch her actions against my wound for what seems like a lifetime. She bandages me up and when she's done I miss the contact.

I want to feel her hand back in mine, I want to feel my skin against hers.

Fuck, Ana.

I can feel every single emotion possible rising like a volcano throughout my entire being.

"A-Are you leaving me…..?"

That's when it starts.

I see the tears streaming down her face and she turns further away from me in an attempt to hide from me.

"Ana….fuck Ana, I'm so so sorry. For everything. I didn't mean what I said"

She turns her back to me.

Should I hold her?

Should I comfort her?

I have no fucking clue what to do in these situations!

Fuck.

I hear her sniffle and I watch as her hand raises to wipe at her cheeks.

"Ana, please…I was a dick, I just… fuck I can't even explain what happened. Please don't leave me…I couldn't live without you. I love you".

I take a step closer and my arms move around her waist resting against where our baby growing inside of her.

Please Ana, please forgive me.

I nuzzle my face into her neck and I hold her body so close to me in fear it might be the last time.

"Christian…don't please…" She whispers but it wasn't at all convincing me to leave.

"I love you…please forgive me. Don't leave me" I beg.

"I'm n-not…l-leaving you" She sniffles and suddenly my heart swells with relief.

She's not leaving me.

"H-How…c-could you….how could you….s-say all those…"

"That wasn't me, Ana I promise you. I was a Dick and I don't know what came over me. I am so so sorry. I'll make it up to you"

Finally, she turns to look at me. Her eyes are a piercing fiery red from her tears and her sorrow.

I lift my hand and I cup her cheek gazing deeply into her eyes.

She looks so broken, so sad.

Everything I said to her.

Fuck I was a dick.

She made me mad, she made me angry. I was so worried about her, but what I did? it was so so wrong and unforgivable.

If she forgives me for the harsh and horrible things I said then I will make it up to her every day for the rest of my lifetime.

"You, Teddy and this baby mean everything to me, Ana. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it. Something inside me snapped and I reverted back to who I was before I met you. That's not me anymore, you know me….you know the real me…"

"I'm sorry too…I should have told you where I was going. I knew you wouldn't let me go if I did…but I've got her Christian. I got her to confess. I just wished you let me explain everything. I'm hurt, you really hurt me….do you really think I'd do that to you?"

"Fuck Ana, of course, I don't! I was just…fuck…I'm fucked up. I fucked up and I'm sorry. But confess? What happened?"

I gaze into her eyes full of worry.

"I got her to confess…I did it for you, I did it for us….she said it all. She's going down" She sniffles and wipes her eyes again.

"Oh Ana….my brave, strong independent but stubborn Ana"

"Your nightmares, everything. I didn't want her affecting you anymore, any of us. I wanted us to be free and now we are"

Her eyes are filled with tears.

I can see the pain in her eyes. The pain that I caused.

"I'm sorry Ana…I really am sorry"

"I'm sorry too…"

"Can we get through this?" I ask hopefully.

Waiting. Waiting for her answer.

She lets go of my hand and looks up into my eyes with the saddest eyes.

"What is it that you want from me Christian? because I don't know anymore. Am I really just another girl that you hope can change you? I'm not like any of those girls Christian and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. I love you, I love you with everything I have but I'm finding it really difficult when you turn on me like this…How many more times will we go through this in the future? Are we just wasting our time? I know you're insecure, but so am I! I've spent a long time putting Elena's words to the back of my mind but when this happens, I can't help but let the whispers of her words creep up to make me doubt if what we have is real"

Are we just wasting our time?

Are we?

Will I ever be what she deserves?

Will I ever stop being so insecure?

"I love you, You're nothing like any of those women, none of them and I know that. That's why I love you, everything I said I didn't mean a single word of it…I was just…Insecure, angry, worried…I felt like a volcano of emotions and I erupted and aimed it all at you, I'm so so sorry. It's real Ana, it's so real it scares me... don't ever doubt my love for you, please"

She looks up at me with her watering bright eyes.

I can tell she just wants to break down, I can see the emotions and the thoughts spiraling through her head.

She's trying to stay strong but I don't want her to. I want her to cry, I want her to rush into my arms for comfort and accept my apology. I want to hold her and tell her, convince her we can get through this.

Her blood pumping through her body, the worry, the stress, everything I have put her through.

I fucked up, I was a dick, I hurt her.

I wouldn't blame her if she turns her back on me.

But deep down I know she won't.

Deep down we know we're meant to be together.

Deep down, we won't ever leave each other.

"I'll get help…I'll go back to counseling, We can go together…. I need us to…I want us to work through this"

I can see the love in her eyes as she gazes at me.

Fuck it.

I lean forward, taking her cheeks between my hands and I press my lips against hers.

Please don't pull away.

She deserves better, so much better. But I can't let her go.

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