Chapter 68.
Sam joined the party just as people began gathering to dance. He waved to Sarah as she and Jack stood waiting on the dance floor. She waved back. He looked around and saw Dean, standing alone, watching with an air of detachment. He went over to stand with him.
Dean nodded to him, but it seemed less an acknowledgement than a pretence at interaction. His brother seemed far, far away.
"You okay?" he said.
Dean pointed to Cas and Jules, just taking their places in the double line of dancers. Cas looked very different, both because of the cowboy outfit instead of his coat and because he was smiling as if he didn't have a care in the world. "He's okay, so I'm okay." he said.
"That's not much of an answer. You did say you'd be honest." said Sam, guiltily aware that he was deceiving Dean far more.
"I'm okay." said Dean, "Really, Sammy, I'm fine. Ask again, I'll say the same."
"You're barely on the same planet." said Sam.
"I get it now." said Dean, "I get why you love them. You have a great team here."
"Bobby's people, not mine." said Sam, "If you're even thinking of leaving, forget it."
"Leaving?" said Dean, suddenly seeming to come to his senses, "Why would you think I'd leave?"
"You're hardly here now." said Sam, "There's something wrong."
"It's not what you think." said Dean, "Sarah thinks I should go to her place for a few days."
"And that's it? That's why you're zoning out on me?" said Sam.
"Remember when I went to the cabin with Cas? I'm still not sure that was my best idea. Leaving you always stinks. There's Michael to consider. There's Jack."
"You'd be thirty minutes away." said Sam, "Less, the way you drive. If Sarah thinks going there will help, do it."
"And leave you with all this, when you're a mess yourself?"
"Thanks, Dean. Always great to know you have faith in me."
"I'm not saying you can't do the job, Sam, I'm just saying you shouldn't have to do it alone."
"I'm not alone. As you said, I'm surrounded by good people. Are you looking for excuses not to go?"
"No," said Dean, "But I will. I admit it, the thought is terrifying. Alone at Sarah's place, without you, without Cas, with Sarah, who sees my soul and isn't fooled by anything I say? It's not a great feeling."
"But you want to change. You really want this."
"I do. I really do. I just wish I could skip to the part where it's done."
"Dean, it's gonna take years."
"Probably." said Dean, "And maybe I've been right all along that there is nothing left of who I was, before Dad, before Hell."
"You're still the same person."
"How do you know?" said Dean.
"Because you still want to protect the rest of us, just like you always did. I get why this is so hard for you, why even thinking of helping yourself feels wrong to you. You think the pain is something you deserve for the mistakes you made, but it's not. Sarah sees that, so she can help you to see it. I think you should go."
"Handling my darkness hurt Cas. I'm still not sure he's recovered from it."
"Sarah isn't Cas. She's stronger. I think she's been through every human emotion there is. She also understands evasion, repression, your whole playbook. Besides, we'll always have Carthage."
"I know you think I'm afraid to do this and you are so, so right on that, by the way, but there's more to it than that. Now is the worst possible time to take my eye off the ball, to be busy with trivialities when we are facing a cosmic war ... "
"When are we not, Dean?" said Sam.
"The point is ... "
"That you don't matter."
"That this is not a matter of life and death."
"It is." said Sam, "Because what you're doing isn't living. It's lurching from one pit of despair to the next, only surfacing for long enough to make sure Cas and I are okay. I want you to be free, Dean. I want you to have days when you don't feel like crap. I want you to look at these people and see the friends who love you, not the people for whom you plan to die, one way or another."
"When did you last feel good, Sammy?" said Dean, reminding him of the time he had asked Dean the question in this very garage.
"How can I feel good when you don't?" said Sam, "I need to know that you really do plan to take care of yourself for once. If Sarah thinks being there will help, then go there. Sarah knows what she's talking about."
Dean nodded. "I'll think about it. Nice costume, by the way. I knew you'd never get rid of it."
Sam shrugged. "I'm wearing this for Sarah, not for you."
"Did you see what Cas is wearing?" said Dean, "It's like he's finally hatched out of that beige egg."
"Don't say that to him." said Sam, "He's very sensitive about that coat and it's only because of Jules that he had the nerve to go through with changing."
"We all need someone to help us with that." said Dean.
"And you have Sarah and you have me." said Sam.
Dean was watching Cas with Jules. "Is it just me, or is she touching him a lot?"
"I think you were right about those two." said Sam, "I saw them in the corridor earlier and they were standing very close together."
"Can't spell subtext without ... "
"What?" said Sam.
"Nothing. I just want him to be happy. Maybe, if I go away for a few days, it'll give him a chance to spend more time with her. If nothing else, it'll stop me interfering."
"Not sure anything can do that." said Sam, "I've met you."