It had taken him what was left of the night and a good part of the morning to regain control over his muscles. After the ordeal he felt like he had been trampled on by a herd of stampeding centaurs. Every single part of his body hurt. He knew the pain. He knew it too well. Sophie had stayed by his side all night, sitting in the chair beside him and holding his hand. Her head had frequently flopped forward as she dozed off but it had come back up immediately over and over again. Once he had recovered enough to speak he had told her to go to bed. Multiple times. But that little stubborn muggle had insisted on staying and wouldn't budge. At some point her head had sank down on her arm which was lying on the edge of the bed and she had finally fallen asleep. She would have a stiff neck upon waking...poor thing...but then again...he had a muscle relaxant which could help and somebody had to rub it into her skin… no, no , no, don't go there. These thoughts just wouldn't do while he was lying in a hospital bed.

When the pain subsided he too fell asleep. It was around 10am when he opened his eyes again and felt he urgently needed a bathroom. Sophie was not around, neither was Poppy. It would be safe to get up and silently make his way to the hospital wing's nearest restroom. He knew Poppy wouldn't approve, but he did not want to wait for her to take care of it magically. Especially not with Sophie anywhere near, that would simply be too embarrassing. He hoisted himself into a sitting position and groaned. Apparently the herd centaurs had been joined be a flock of hippogriffs. Sharp edges of pain shot through various parts of his back. He lowered his feet on the floor and tried to breath through the pain. He could do this. And he would do it. With a good push from his aching arms he tried to raise himself to a standing position. He did succeed if one discounted the severe swaying. Once he felt safe, he took a tentative step forward and when he was sure he wouldn't collapse he started out on his way to the nearest bathroom. He had almost made it there when he heard the door to Poppy's office open. Oh bugger.

'Severus! What in the name of Merlin himself are you doing out of bed. Get back there this moment!'

'I need the bathroom.'

In just that moment the main doors opened and Sophie came in. Brilliant.

'You know I can take care of that, you have been here often enough. Now back to bed with you.'

'What's going on?'

Sophie had caught up with them.

'Severus, why are you out of bed?'

He felt himself roll his eyes. This just couldn't be true.

'I needed the bathroom,' he repeated between clenched teeth.

'I told you I will…'

'No, you will not,' he shouted, feeling himself grow hot in the face.

'I have made it to this bathroom and I will now go in there and take a piss, alone and on my own two feet, thank you very much. And now leave me alone.'

With that he turned and walked through the door, which he locked with an audible click.

'What's gotten into him?' a stunned Sophie asked the nurse.

'Severus has never been a patient occupant of the hospital wing. Being dependent on others just doesn't suit him.'

With a shrug she turned and went to Severus bed to change the bed linen.

'Might as well use the time he is in there. He was sweating a lot during the seizures.'

'Mme. Pomfrey..'

'Oh, do call me Poppy, dear.'

Sophie couldn't help but smile. She did like the nurse.

'Well, Poppy…, is there anything that can be done against these seizures?'

The face of the old nurse grew serious.

'Well, Hermione is looking into it. It's hard to say. If he had been treated right away, I think a lot of the nerve damage could have been prevented. As it is, he didn't receive the proper treatment. We will have to see what can still be done.'

That was a harsh assessment. Sophie swallowed. She didn't get to ask any more questions though. Severus had opened the bathroom door and was slowly making his way back. She hurried to his side.

'Do you need help?'

She received a glare for this question. Oh dear.

'I am fine. Thank you.'

She could see walking was a problem. So… he was too proud to accept help? Well, she could deal with that. She took his arm and put it around her shoulder while she sneaked her other arm around his waist and gave him her sweetest smile.

'Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to get a hug from you?'

When she had first touched him the glare had intensified, but on her words and smile his eyes softened and a corner of his mouth was lifted.

'Why, dear, help yourself. Anytime.'

Her smile grew even wider and for the rest of the way back to his bed she enjoyed the warmth of his body and feeling his slim form in her arm. He had been gone for only a night but touching him now reminded her of how much she missed him… and it seemed she missed him in more ways than she had first understood. When they had still been in Cornwall he had been very eager to get time alone with her in his cottage. Sometimes she had felt a little overwhelmed and scared by his enthusiasm. That had changed when they had come to Germany. Between her going back to work and him renovating the house, there had been little time during the day. They had stayed at her parents house with him sleeping in the cellar and her in her old bedroom and so time spent alone almost never presented itself. But he had also never tried to arrange it. They sometimes hugged and stole kisses but nothing like back in Cornwall. And when they had finally been alone together the day before and she had tried to make a move, he had been embarrassed and had withdrawn into the bathroom. Sophie was at a loss. Did he not want her anymore? In Cornwall she had felt his desire with every kiss and now…she didn't know what to do with this. And although she had been a little uncomfortable then, she did miss being shown how much he wanted her. He was hurt now and would have to spend some more time in Mme Pomfrey's care, without a doubt. But this also meant that he had no way to escape a conversation. And Sophie rather wanted to know what was going on then keep wondering.

She helped him to get back into the bed and covered him with the blanket. Sitting down on the edge she looked at him while he was trying to get comfortable. Mme. Pomfrey had left and drawn the curtains shut again without another word, apparently trying to avoid more arguing with her patient.

Severus looked up and found Sophie staring at him.

'What?'

He was confused. Sophie had a strange look in her eyes that he couldn't quite place.

'Severus, why have we never slept with each other?'

Fuck. He hadn't seen that coming. What was he to say?

'I … well… you were not well… recovering and all that…'

'Yes, but it's been ages and I feel much stronger and better these days. In Cornwall you seemed quite keen on finding time alone with me in your cottage,' he felt his face grow hot at the mention of their activities on his couch, 'I miss being alone with you and I wonder if it is something I have said or done that makes you pushing me away.'

'I'm not pushing you away!'

'Well, it feels like it.'

'Rubbish.'

'It's not rubbish, Severus, it's my feelings and I'm trying to explain them to you.'

He didn't know what to say to that. He didn't want this conversation. He had always thought that at some point it would either happen...of its own accord and out of the moment...or it just wouldn't. He knew sooner or later she would realise what a mistake it was to be with him and then be gone. The time in Germany, when she had been getting stronger every day and he could see the beautiful woman she must have been before the cancer, return, he had felt more and more insecure. Being even closer to her would only make it more painful when she finally decided against him. So he wasn't particularly keen on rushing into it. If the moment would present itself he would ...of course. After all he was just a man. But he didn't want to talk about it or plan it or whatever. It was risking too much of his heart and he knew with her he couldn't simply act without emotions involved.

'Listen, I don't think this is the right moment to discuss this… we can…'

'Severus, this is the right moment.'

'No…'

'Yes. After all, I'm not trying to talk you into it in your hospital bed.'

That thought had a strange allure to it...no, stop it, not now.

'Severus, I'm just trying to understand. Do you find me repulsive? I know I didn't look my best when we first met, but…'

'I do not find you repulsive!'

The fact that she could think he found her repulsive outraged him.

'How can you possibly think that?'

'Because you seem so reluctant to be close to me these days.'

'I … I just don't think it's the right time yet.'

'Now I have to say that is rubbish.'

'It's not..'

'Yes, it is. I was very touched that you were willing to wait til I recovered but the better I was getting the more you seemed to withdraw from me and I want to know why.'

'Sophie…'

'Seversus, I don't want to put you under any kind of pressure and I certainly don't want you to do something you do not want to do, but if that should be the case, I think it would only be fair of you to let me know.'

'Sophie, it's not that I don't want to…'

'Then what is it? Is it a physical problem? Has it to do with your injuries?'

'No!'

Goodness, he could not let her think that. He did have some pride left.

'I can assure you, it's all normal and fully functional,' he replied, certain that by now he must rival a beetroot in complexion.

'Then what's the problem?'

How could he explain…seconds passed before he could answer.

'Sophie..do you really want that? I'm almost 60 years old and you are so young.'

'Severus, we have talked about this….'

'Yes, and all this time I have waited for you to come to your senses and realise what a terrible mistake it is you are making...no, hear me out please. Now you know who I really am. You have heard my story, you know I have done terrible things in my past and I have witnessed countless more terrible deeds. I … I have more than just physical scars, Sophie. And whether you want to know it or not, I am not the noble, selfless hero they make me out to be. I am a selfish old bastard, narrow minded and petty and ...simply not a good man. You are a kind and friendly and caring person, a young woman with a life ahead. You should find someone your own age, have babies and ...all that...be happy...all the things that I will never be able to give you.'

He felt a great lump in his throat and that damn stinging sensation in the corners of his eyes again, that came to him so frequently these last few days. Oh my… he was growing soft in his old age.

'Severus...Severus, look at me.'

He felt how her hand cupped his cheek and forced his face up to look at her.

'Severus Snape, I love you. And I don't care whether you are the most selfish and bastardly person known to mankind. I love you. With all your impatience, with all your narrow mindedness and all your pettiness… and let's not forget the grumpiness and ...and all of your scars. I love you. And if you feel the same way, then you will accept my decision to be your wife, because love also means respecting your partner's choices. You are my choice. Whether you agree with it or not. And if you don't love me, then let me know. Don't keep me running after something you are not willing to give me. I am not asking for eternal and never ending happiness. I'm not a child. I don't believe in the fairy tales with princes on royal steeds and in shiny armour. I am not even asking for children if it is not what you wish. All I am asking is that you love me...if you can. If you can't, then let me know.'

With that, she leaned forward, kissed him softly and left him there with the tingling feeling of her soft lips on his, the promise that held and a head full of jumbled up thoughts that kept running in circles.