A Touch of Hope Chapter 66, a fifty shades trilogy fanfic

Chapter 66…

"What is it you want from me Christian? Am I really just another girl you hope can change you? I'm not like any of those girls Christian and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. I love you, I love you with everything I have but I'm finding it really difficult when you turn on me like this…How many more times will we go through this in the future? Are we just wasting our time? I know you're insecure, but so am I"

My blood is pumping and my heart is racing with worry and panic.

I love him, I do love him but I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep second-guessing, worrying if I'm good enough, self-doubting that one day he will up and leave me for someone else.

But could he?

Would he?

I feel my hands instinctively moving to where our baby is growing inside of me.

I wouldn't leave, I can't leave.

My heart won't allow it and neither will my head.

That's all I know is we need to sort this out.

We need to be on the same level.

"I love you, You're nothing like any of those women, none of them and I know that. That's why I love you, everything I said I didn't mean a single word of it…I was just…Insecure, angry, worried…I felt like a volcano of emotions and erupted and aimed it all at you, I'm so so sorry"

I know he's sorry.

He's always sorry.

It would be easy for me to just move into his arms, tell him everything is going to be all right but I can't. Not this time, I can't keep going on like this.

I simply gaze at hin, scanning his face.

He's so so petrified I'm going to leave.

I can see the worry and horror in his eyes as he scans my face for some sort of answer.

"I'll get help…I'll go back to counseling, We can go together…. I need us to…I want us to work through this"

With his words, my shield starts to come down, crippling at my feet.

He's trying, he's trying his hardest.

I'll never leave him, never. I love him too much. Too much has happened and we have a bright future together I just know it.

His last words spiral through my brain.

He wants to make this work, he's trying for us to get through this.

The next thing he does spirals my body out of control and for a brief moment, I can't stop him.

I can't pull away.

He needs it.

I need it.

The contact.

I reciprocate the kiss until it gets a little too heated.

Feeling his hands against my skin, feeling his lips against mine.

It feels divine.

It feels….wow.

It's been a while since we… well, you know.

Way before the shooting. He has barely touched me since then, in fear I might break or that he'll hurt me.

It's been way too long.

But…

Makeup sex is not going to fix this right now.

I want him, gosh I've needed and wanted him for weeks since the shooting now!

My whole body feels ignited but I have to control myself.

I can't let our lust and desire take over us, not during such an intense and emotional moment.

"Ch…Christian….S…stop…"

I pull back and I rest my hands against his chest to stop his actions.

I know he's trying to help the situation and I know this is his way of showing his love.

He doesn't know how to act or react when serious things like this happen.

She did that to him, she fucked him up in so many ways.

I regret nothing, I do not regret going to see that bitch troll and I don't regret going behind Christian's back to do so.

She can officially be out of our lives forever and I'm glad.

I am so so glad that everything she has ever done to my Christian can be put to rest.

With help, Christian can get through this, we all can I just know it.

"Not right now, it's not the right time or moment"

His hands move to rest at my waist and his lips press against my forehead as he whispers.

"I'm sorry…."

"I know…." I simply sigh in reply as we stand there for a little while simply thinking and being close but not too close.

"We can get through this, can't we?" He asks with great uncertainty.

I lift my gaze and I stare deep into the dark, abyss of his eyes filled with worry and freight.

Seeing him so broken, so fragile.

Seeing what she's done to him breaks my heart.

With a small simple nod, I answer his question.

"I love you" I whisper.

"I love you" He replies and places a small kiss to my forehead.

"Mommy….Daddy" Teddy's little voice comes out as a small little whisper.

His fists rubbing his tiny eyes after his well-needed nap.

He looks up at the both of us.

But Christian...when I look towards him he looks a little….worried.

Teddy saw everything, the shouting, the sadness, the hole in the wall...everything….but regardless of that.

Christian is his Daddy and no matter what, Teddy loves him with everything he has.

I worry about the trauma Teddy has witnessed throughout his lifetime too, but all of us can get through this.

I look up at Christian who still seems a little nervous.

Guilt plastering his face.

Worry scarring his features.

I look towards his now bandaged hand and he seems to be shaking a little bit.

He kneels to Teddy's height.

"Hey…buddy…I…" and before he can even continue his sentence Teddy is in Christian's arms.

A smile on Teddy's face as he nuzzles into his Daddy's neck and little arms moving so tightly around in the most comforting embrace I think Christian needed.

I lean against the door frame watching them together.

My heart melting into a puddle.

Seeing them together, seeing how forgiving and innocent Teddy is to all of this.

If only adults had the same characteristics, if only it was as easy as being a five-year-old again.

If only forgiving and forgetting was that easy.

As Teddy embraces Christian, Christian's eyes close in relief and happiness.

His boy in his arms, the only thing he'll ever need is the acceptance from Teddy.

When Christian's eyes open, his gaze moves straight towards me and I feel a trickle down my cheek.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until I felt it cascade down my face.

"I'll start dinner for us….."

"Is we not goings out fors dinner?" Teddy looks up towards me, then towards his Daddy.

"Not tonight buddy, me you and Mommy will have a family night here okay? Spend some time just the 3 of us"

"Four of us Daddy!"

Four?

Teddy's smile grows and looks towards me then points towards my tummy.

"Baby" He giggles and his smile grows even wider.

I even hear a small sad chuckle escape Christian's lips too.

"A family night with the four of us"

Christian locks gaze with me and both of us just seem to smile.

Regardless of everything that happened today, regardless of the harshness of their pasts. Regardless of his actions…..we do have a bright future.

Teddy bringing the light to the situation once again. He's great at that, he's great at making us smile, laugh and forget everything that is going wrong.

We will watch Teddy grow up, we'll have this baby and we will raise them together as a team, a family.

"Yayyy" Teddy smiles, "Cans I hewps dinner Mommy?"

I can see the look in Christian's eyes that clearly shows he doesn't want to let him out of his arms just as yet.

He needs the comfort, he needs the support, he needs to know he's loved.

"I think Daddy would love you to stay with him and give him lots of cuddles okay? And I'll make your favorite dinner how does that sound?"

"Sghetti?!" His eyes brighten excitedly and I giggle with a small nod. "Yayyyyyy"

He squeals smiling brightly and his little arms move back around Christian's neck as he nuzzles into his shoulder.

"Thank You" Christian mouths more than says and I can see the appreciation in his face.

I simply nod and I turn into the kitchen to begin the dinner preparations.

I stand in the kitchen and before starting to cook I simply gaze out of the large window in front of me.

I gaze out towards the view.

The lake, the mountains, the grass, the trees, the boat, our cars.

Everything in the view from our kitchen.

Our beautifully styled and our beautifully executed home.

I stand there and every few seconds I turn to face a new area.

Everything I have ever wanted is right here in front of me.

A house, a career, a car, a family.

I've ended up being the luckiest girl in the world and I have no idea how it even happened.

I gaze down to where little Teddy pointed to earlier.

To where the fourth member of my family is growing inside of me.

Can we get through this?

The doubts are spiraling through my mind like the world's largest rollercoaster.

He's apologized, he's willing to get help…but….how many more time is this going to happen?

Will we ever get the happiness we both need and deserve or will we be forever plagued by the past?

Will it always come back to haunt us?

Will Elena, Leila, Jack….will they ever not be a part of our thoughts, lives, future?

The problem is I will never leave, not ever. I don't want to, I always want them. I've wanted Christian for so so long and fell head over heels in love with him. I love and accepted Teddy as my own.

I love them both too much to ever leave. Everything I have ever wnated is right here, everything I love is right here in front of me. But...will there be a happy ending?

I sigh deeply and pull myself from the negative thoughts before starting on the pasta dish that Teddy loves ever so dearly.

Meatballs, spaghetti and garlic toast.

He absolutely loves his garlic toast.

I can hear them giggling, laughing, squealing.

I hear my name mentioned a few times and then I hear some more giggling.

What are they talking about?

It makes me smile, in the midst of the negativity right now it still makes me smile.

I'm just scared, scared that things won't ever change.

It wasn't his actions that made me worry, it was his words. The words that cut through me like a knife.

Pierced into my heart.

'Elena always said I'd end up running back to her because of a gold-digging wannabe'

Stop it, Ana, he didn't mean it.

He didn't.

I know it.

Snap out of it.

I chant to myself.

We do need to talk, we need to figure all of this out.

Maybe when Teddy passes out later we can have a deep and meaningful conversation.

The pasta starts to boil and comes to a nice smooth and soft texture, the garlic toast is lightly toasted just the way Teddy likes it and the meatballs smell divine.

I make my way into the living room to summon my two men to the dining room ready for dinner.

I enter through the doorway before stopping in my tracks.

The sight in front of me is everything I didn't know I needed right now.

Everything to make my heart and my head rest for just a little while.

Christian is laying on his back, comfortably along the sofa, his one arm behind his head and the other resting on Teddy's little back.

Teddy is sprawled out on top of him, laying on his chest and both of them are peacefully asleep, content with each other, the comfort they both needed from each other.

I simply lean in the doorway watching them sleep just for a moment.

And everything seems okay, everything seems normal.

My heart flutters with love and pure adoration.

They look so sweet.

So comfortable.

So content.

Did the last few hours even happen?

I make my way over to them and I gently stroke my hand through Christian's hair.

"Hey…."

"Mmm…." He mutters slightly.

"Dinner is ready" I whisper and my lips curl into a smile at his sleepy yet handsome state.

His eyes slowly open when my hand continues to run through his hair, he seems a little surprised to feel me continuing my actions through his soft hair.

His sleepy eyes simply gaze up towards me for a couple of seconds longer before his hand raises from underneath his head to rest against my cheek.

To my own surprise, I lean into his touch.

"I love you…you know that don't you?" He whispers.

I simply nod in reply.

I do know he does. I do.

We just need a touch of hope.

"I Love you too" I whisper back before we wake Teddy for dinner.

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