I stopped only once on my way to Mushiyori city, parked in front of the shadiest looking motel possible, paid upfront for a night so I could just take a shower, heal and throw in the trash the worn out clothes I had on my back. All I had on me in term of change clothes were a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, items stuffed in my backpack just in case I needed to sleep somewhere else.
Grabbing the hoodie I always kept in my truck, I pulled up the zipper and hopped back in the car, thankful that I was healed and clean, happy that the hot water worked in that filth infested place.
Once I got to the city, I grabbed a coffee, drinking it faster than I normally would. Even if I knew the places around me, it all felt foreign, like it wasn't the city I actually grew up in. I didn't like it, I felt like I was just a witness to a dream that suddenly decided to replay itself in my subconscious.
For a couple of hours I just walked around without a destination, watching people open up stores and restaurants. I browsed through several items, buying some clothes so I could just escape the shorts I wore.
I wanted time, time to understand, to just stop and think, but I felt like I would fall apart if I allowed myself to reflect on everything. So I jumped back in the car and headed to my parent's house. I made sure dad already left for work so I wouldn't bump into him because there was no telling what I would have done. The boys managed to calm the waters with mom, with Shiori and no one asked anymore questions or at least I knew nothing of it.
As far as I was concerned there was nothing no ask, no answers to give.
I stared at the house I grew up in, mom washing dishes in the kitchen, happy with her solitude. Dialling my home number I let it ring until she picked it up "Mom, it's me."
"Hana, are you alright?" I felt my eyes sting seeing her patiently waiting on the phone for me to answer.
"No mom, I'm not but that's not why I called." Her fingers tangled in the telephone cord and she gripped it tight holding it to her chest. In a sense I knew she cared about me, wanted to protect me. That's why she sent me to another city, to grandma, but damn the rest was horrible "I wanted to know if you ever loved dad."
Her breath hitched but she answered me after a few seconds "Yes I did, I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. He was different back then you know."
"No, I don't, I actually don't know. He has an ugly soul mom." Through the window I actually saw her smile and I didn't get it.
"I know honey, he's been through a lot and coped with it differently." I call bullshit "But there are times when he lets a different part of him show." I was tired of different parts, of people hiding. It's either you show yourself or don't.
"I need to go, just know I'm fine and there is no need to continue to visit. Not like you know where I live either."
"Wait." By the time she asked me to wait I already made my way down the street "I'm sorry for not being a better mother to you Hana."
I found myself shaking my head even though she couldn't see me "You did your best mom, that's what matters. Goodbye." With that I closed the call with a heavy sigh and went back to my truck. I couldn't continue driving aimlessly, burning gas without a reason so I took a room at a hotel, parked my truck there and changed after another shower and good scrub. I felt so dirty, scrubbing furiously until every inch of me turned red. I could still feel the ash, the pain, I could still smell the blood, Kurama, so I continued to scrub. I needed to get rid of all the smells, of everything.
I knew the moment I had nothing more to do, not even the tiniest thing to gain all my attention that I would fall apart so I couldn't sit.
Cold golden eyes rushed back in my memory, Otake's manic laughter mocking me. Yoko's foreign voice telling me he was still Kurama. Forest green eyes filled with so much pain.
Letting the entire content of my backpack fall on the bed I fumbled with the compact mirror dialling for Botan "Oh thank God you answered." Her eyes alone told me she knew what happened "I need you to do something for me." she listened carefully to all the words coming out of my mouth, asked me to give her a few hours and that she'd arrive wherever I wanted.
With that out of the way I headed out in the balcony for a smoke, playing in my head how Kuwabara asked me to try and calm down, that Kurama wasn't in any way hell bent on hurting me. I got that his mind was shaped differently with all the years under his belt, but it did not give him the right to use Yoko just to quench his curiosity.
Just how the Hell did we manage to get from trying to get each other's attention to this shitty situation?
I couldn't, it felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't function. Picking up the phone I dialled Kido's number "Yes Hana."
"Hey, do you know that old arcade on Trust Lane? Can you please meet me there?" silence followed, I probably woke him up since it was still rather early in the morning.
"Um sure, I didn't know you were in town. Is everything ok?" slapping a hand over my mouth I pulled the phone away as I tried to hold it together "Hana?"
"Yeah. See you there?" as soon as I got my answer I got out of the hotel room and just ran until I got to the location. Of course he wasn't there by the time I arrived so I just walked constantly back and forth, smoking like a train, feeling sick to my stomach with each passing second.
Kido arrived around twenty minutes after me, out of breath, both of us stopping to look at each other. I just ran, wrapping my arms around his neck, burring my face in his collar bone "Don't ask please. Just hold me." slowly his arms pulled me closer, tightening around my body. He kept a hold on me until I slowly pulled back, until I was ready and felt like I wasn't going to crumble in front of him "Come on lets shoot some zombies."
"Wait a second." There was real concern showing and Hell I would have looked at him the same if roles were reversed "What happened?" shoving his hands in his pockets he looked a bit uncomfortable, my sudden clinginess probably being a bit too much.
"I need to do something, use my hands, use my brain, please." I usually don't ask for much from the people I know, I tend to sort it all out myself, but I didn't want to be alone. I was scared, not knowing which way to go to.
"Ok, but I pay." As we entered the colourful room Kido directed me to a normal shooting game. I didn't care for the graphics, story, I just cemented myself in a stance, arms outstretched as I kept shooting. I saw him stealing glances my way, waiting patiently for me to say something, anything "Damn it Hana, talk to me."
"Fuck." I just got shot in the head, great, I couldn't even beat a stupid arcade came "Again please." The game started where we left off, this time Kido really acting like my backup "We were attacked, they know one of us has the power to take out those things." I heard something drop near me. Turning, Kido stared at my face with wide eyes, controller at his feet.
"Why are you all alone?" his hands took hold of my shoulders when I wouldn't talk "This is dangerous. Is everyone ok?" lowering my head I stared at his feet.
"They all made it, some got hurt, but we managed to heal the major wounds." Setting the controller aside I heard the game over song "They called me the light, but they don't know who to target." His grip finally relaxed slightly but he still didn't let me go "I killed Otake, what was left of him." I finally looked up at him, expecting to see horror, resentment but he just smiled.
"Thank God you're all ok." Why? Why was everyone so fine with me killing someone? Sure he was evil, he was going to kill us, but how? I was breaking at the seams and they didn't even bat an eye "Look, I'm sure you did what needed to be done. Made a choice, a very hard one. I can see it's eating away you." was I that transparent?
"I don't know what to do. Demon World will call a meeting soon." He swallowed hard squinting his eyes at me "I can't go back to the temple, I don't have a home anymore." Covering my face I sobbed uncontrollably once more. I was doing a lot of that lately "I can't see him."
This time there was nothing awkward in the way he hugged me, hushing me "Hey, hey look at me." eventually I lifted my gaze "One thing at a time, you can't do everything at once. When was the last time you had food?" I couldn't honestly remember "Sleep?"
"Too long." With a firm nod he grabbed my hand pulling me out of the arcade "Kido, where are we going?"
"I'm taking you to my place, making you an omelette since it's basically the only thing I know how to cook right." I retracted my hand slowly him turning to look at me.
"I got everything at a hotel, I can't come."
Shoving his hands once more in his pockets, I figured he really didn't know what to do with them "Fine, let's go get then, check you out." I just stared at him not knowing what to actually do or say "What? I got an extra room if that's what's bothering you. I can lend you some clothes to sleep in. Nothing weird ok?"
Nodding my head I finally accepted as we went to check out and get my truck. He did have a point, I couldn't do it all at once, I had to prioritize. So I accepted his invitation.
His apartment was as big as mine used to be, just with a bigger kitchen and a balcony which was divine in my opinion. Random clothes and magazines, games and a plate here and there indicated he wasn't the cleanest person ever, but not a total slob either as the house looked freshly dusted. Rubbing the back of his head, he apologized for the mess.
Extending a hand I touched his arm "Hey, no, I dragged you into this. Don't apologize, this is lovely." He looked even more embarrassed so I stepped back as he quickly gathered some of the things he knew to be out of place. Eventually I just let him do his thing, idling in the hallway since I didn't want to overstep.
In a few minutes he passed me, going inside the kitchen, head popping back out in the hallway "Geez, get in here, you nervous makes me nervous." Leaving my backpack on the floor I finally moved, a beer being pushed in my hands "Drink. I'm getting started on the food then you can go rest."
"Do you need any help?" He looked over his shoulder after deciding which utensils he needed.
"Neah, I got this. You just relax, talk to me if you want to tell me more." He smiled at me "If you can." He didn't insist, let me make up my own mind, arrange my thoughts as I saw fit.
Slowly words came undone instead of working up a storm in my head. I didn't tell him about Kurama and Yoko, that one I kept for myself, even then protecting him and his reputation. I told him all that I considered would help him and the rest in the near future. Kido provided me his undivided attention, not once interrupting me, accepting the information, my theories and fears, he just listened to them all.
Once I was done talking and eating, he went and made the bed, fresh cleaned sheets welcoming me in their embrace. I fell asleep in just a few minutes after I placed my head on the pillow thinking how weird it was to be in Kido's home, sitting in his bed. The sheets and clothes he borrowed me carried the scent of his cologne, a rather familiar strong scent but pleasant at the same time. Somehow I wished that I had taken a different path, fallen for someone like him for example.
He always went out of his way to help, liked to keep up the bad boy act even now but there was nothing bad about him. He was shy with the girls, awkward in a sweet sense, but no I had to go for the guy I didn't even like at the beginning. But Kurama looked as lonely as I did, that's what initially drew me in. Not his looks, not his smarts, but those lonely eyes of his.
Those very same eyes that now haunted my sleep. Shifting jewels from emerald to gold, a different face, a stranger's voice. I let him get in my head, I alone allowed him to get close, make his home under my skin.
"Hana?" calloused fingers removed the hair from my face "Hana wake up." Slowly my eyes opened after much insistence, Kido's face coming in view. In a second I jumped and he did the same, putting his hands up "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." it took me a few to even register where I was, remember everything "Your compact is ringing off the hook."
"Um" I swallowed rubbing my face "What time is it?"
"A little after five." What the fuck? I actually slept a good amount "Thank you, sorry if I startled you." taking the covers off, I got out of bed, retrieving the compact.
Botan looked like she was worried, testament to that being the high pitch of her voice "I was worried sick, where in all of Spirit World are you?" searching Kido's face for approval I told her the address after his ok.
In just a few minutes, she was at his door, handing me a heavy briefcase "Thank you. Please don't tell anyone where I am."
"But" her face fell flat as she tried to find the right words "they are worried, Koenma is flipping out, how can you ask me not to tell?"
"Please Botan, give me a bit of time, not a lot, just a bit, it's all I'm asking." Finally agreeing, Kido invited her in the kitchen for a tea while I went back to his room. Taking a seat on floor, I opened the suitcase popping in the first tape. I was done with not knowing, not having all the details so I asked Botan to get her ass in the archive and bring me all they had on the boys, the tournaments, their fights, all of it. I wanted to see it all, study it, burn it in my brain.
No more secrets, no more being in the dark. It was time for me to step in the light. I needed to understand, craved the knowledge.
It was around four in the morning when I finally finished, tears long dried on my face, worry clouding my head. Opening the window I took a deep breath, sitting on the window sill, lighting up a cigarette, trying to pick the best option.
I could not go back to the way things were with Kurama. I could not look him in the eyes and not believe he didn't trust me, find me enough. But the more I thought about him, about the entire situation, the more it hurt. I could not carry on between sobs and tears.
Throwing the cigarette bud out the window Keiko's voice rang in my ears, her telling me and Yusuke off. How does she managed it? How can she handle Yusuke the way she does? She didn't even flinch when he came out of that cave in his demon form? Shaking my head I pushed back the thought. If Kurama had turned into Yoko in front of me, I would have probably done the same, not like I would have made a ten mile dash the other way.
Sitting on the bed I hid my face in the palm of my hands trying to pick apart my brain, but I couldn't "Woman." The scream turned out muffled as a hand was pressed against my mouth, Hiei's crimson eyes hovering in front of me. With a simple nod he got it that I would not be screaming anymore.
"You scared me." And I had every right to be scared, not like I was expecting anyone to come through the third floor window at four in the God damn morning.
"And you're boring me. This is no time to mope around feeling sorry for yourself." He took my silence as an invitation to continue "You are still unaware of your surroundings, will not strong enough."
"You were watching us battle Otake weren't you?" he kept the same expression, nothing giving him away "You wanted me to kill him, prove that I can do what it takes." Scoffing I looked away from him "Why are you here?"
"Making sure you don't make another mistake." A dangerous glare rivalled his own "Running away from the only ones capable of protecting you isn't a smart move. Let them help you. Let the fox teach you." Getting up from the bed I closed the space between us.
"I don't want to learn about deceit and how lies are the only thing coating his tongue, don't worry you pretty little head, I will return." Anger shined on his face but he still remained in the room, looking up at me, listening to the words leaving my mouth "Currently I don't even trust myself so don't expect any miracles. All I want to do now is make mistakes." Tilting his chin up confusion rivalled the anger burning in his eyes "I want to tear myself up so hard until there is nothing left." Creating distance I knew very well I was pushing it "Go please. I will message the group and tell them I am ok, safe."
"This is not the safest place."
Throwing my hands up in exasperation my I raised my voice "And the temple is? In case you forgot Hiei that's the area they attacked."
"Piss me off one more time and I will show you why this isn't safe." I actually slapped my knees laughing.
"Please go ahead but remember this. The soul is so fragile, it doesn't take much to break it." A smirk curved his mouth, all that anger and resentment fading from his face.
"Then how do we make it stronger?" fucking smart ass, pushing my buttons.
Touché Hiei.