Chapter 56.
As the meal went on, Dean felt better than he had for a long time. Cas was not planning to leave, Jack was laughing with Sarah as if he hadn't a care in the world and Sam, although he looked half asleep, also seemed relaxed and happy. His family was back on an even keel. There were big storms ahead, but they were going to be ready. They were going to be strong.
Cas met his gaze for a second and then looked quickly away.
"What is it?" said Dean.
"I need to go upstairs for a moment." said Cas.
"What was that?" said Dean to Sarah, when Cas had gone.
"I'm not sure." she said, "He may be writing in that notebook of his."
"I saw a notebook." said Dean, "What does he write in it?"
"He's never told me and I have never asked." she said, "I only know that it means a lot to him and it's none of my business or yours."
"True. I'm just worried about him."
"It may be that he picked up your thoughts again." said Sam.
"That's what I'm afraid of." said Dean, "When we get back, we need a safe, effective way to close the channel."
"Are you sure you want it closed?" said Sam, "It seems like it could be useful. It's instantaneous communication that nobody can trace or hack."
"Cas wants it closed." said Dean, "And that's good enough for me." He stood. "I'd better make sure he's okay."
"Maybe we can make something you can wear to block the signal." said Sam.
"I'm not a tinfoil hat kind of guy." said Dean.
He went upstairs to Cas's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. He opened the door and saw Cas lying on the bed, eyes closed.
"Thought leakage?" he asked.
"Yes." said Cas, "But I'm working on shutting it out."
"Don't bother." said Dean, "For now, I give you my permission to access my thoughts and feelings."
"You don't want that." said Cas.
"No, but I also don't want you frying your brain trying to stop it. Tonight, there are no secrets. You brought me here the first time because you knew this place was special, that Sarah was special. Come on, Cas. Let's go back to the others. Whatever you pick up on, it's fine."
"If I reduce my grace, I could dull my awareness." said Cas.
Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. "That's exactly the kind of dumb thing you promised not to do. Downstairs, now."
When they got downstairs and sat back in their places, Cas looked at Dean and said, "No secrets tonight?"
"None." said Dean.
"Including from these three?"
"Absolutely." said Dean.
Cas looked at each one and then said, "What I just picked up from Dean was a feeling of relief that we were not all on the brink of disaster, that we were not each about to fall into some personal abyss. I only pick up the strong emotions, the ones that are like a cry to Heaven, if Heaven cared, which it doesn't."
The revelation was less painful to Dean than that bitterness, the pain of a son who had served his father faithfully all his life and then discovered that none of it had ever mattered to that father. At least Dean's father had appreciated the totality of his sacrifices. Cas had been cut adrift without a word of thanks. "What's your point?" said Dean quietly.
"Simply that for your relief to enter my head, the stress it followed must have been vast and powerful. Until this meal, this evening, your fears for us were greater than your concern about Michael."
"No, I'm not sure that's true." said Dean.
"I am." said Cas. He looked at Dean and smiled fondly. "I'm glad I know that you feel better about it all now. Forgive me. I know it's still an intrusion, but to know that you are not in despair about us is comforting. The burdens you bear because of your love for us are more than any human being can endure."
"Clearly not. I am human." said Dean.''
"Cas, why did you leave us?" said Sam, "Why does this thing disturb you so much?"
"He thinks Dean won't trust him." said Jack.
"Which is stupid." said Dean.
"Dean, stop calling Cas stupid." said Sam.
"I didn't call Cas stupid." said Dean.
"Cas, did you think Dean called you stupid?" said Sam.
"I think we all heard him call me stupid." said Cas.
"Then you all heard wrong." said Dean.
Sarah rapped a spoon on the table three times. "Gentlemen, we may be heading for unnecessary hostility. Dean, do you think Castiel is stupid?"
"No. Castiel is the cleverest one here, and I say that knowing full well that I am the dumbest."
"I don't think anyone here is dumb." said Sarah, "On the matter of intelligence, it's getting late. All of you are tired and although I know you have all done far more dangerous things in a far worse condition, this old lady would feel much better if you were not going to attempt driving home tonight. I think you should call whoever you need to call and tell them you'll be staying the night."
"Do you have enough room?" said Cas, "Because Jack can have my bed, since I don't need to sleep."
"I've told you before," said Sarah, "It's spooky when you just wander the house at night like a ghost in a trenchcoat."
"It is spooky when he does that, isn't it?" said Dean.
"And there's no need. Sam and Dean can have the bedroom with the twin beds at the front of the house. It's only used when I take on casual labourers and the beds might be a bit short for you, but I think you'll be comfortable enough."
"You'd be amazed how much I fold up." said Sam.
"Jack, my dear," said Sarah, "You can use Carl's room."
"Are you sure?" he said.
"I'm sure. Carl would approve."
"Can we stay?" Sam asked Dean.
"How is it my decision?" said Dean.
"Because you're the one who might not want to and I am so tired that I really, really want to just sleep here, but I'm not letting you drive home without me to keep you awake."
"I'll make it worth your while with a good breakfast." said Sarah.
Dean smiled at her. "Sarah, it is frightening how well you know how to manipulate me."
"That sounds like a yes." she said.
"A good breakfast is always a yes for me." said Dean.