Letting Go

Finding out that she was pregnant had been one hell of a shock for someone like Octavia. What the hell did she know about being a mother? Although she had loved hers, the woman wasn't exactly the role model for the job, after all she had gotten involved with different men and had two kids from who knows which one of them and continued to get involved with perverted guards but she did so to keep her children safe and fed so that was a point for her but still, Octavia didn't want to be the kind of mother her mother had been for her, she wanted to be better. But the question was, could she?

She didn't know the answer to that question and was terribly afraid of learning what that answer was. Losing Lincoln made her get close to losing her sanity, everything that kept her grounded and together, that made everything okay was suddenly gone along with him and she was left a shell of nothing. There was nothing left inside of her besides anger, pain, loss, uncertainty, there was nothing good. At least that was what she thought until the moment she learned that she was carrying a life inside of her. A baby of the man she had loved so much.

After she received the news, Octavia stopped to think about what it would mean for her to be a mother all by herself. She had been fighting ever since Lincoln died without any care of what happened to her, if she died or not, in fact, she thought it would be best if she did die, at least that way she would be with him again which was everything she wanted but now? Life had once again thrown her a curve ball and she was left without knowing what to do. Now, she had someone else she would need to consider in every decision she made from this point forward.

Someone that would be greatly affected by every step she made, every decision she took, everything she did would affect her baby and she needed to be responsible for them. Lincoln was not here anymore to help her do this, Indra had other responsibilities to her clan and Bellamy, she was not ready yet to let him be part of her life so she was alone in this, she would need to figure it all out by herself and be the best mother she can be for Lincoln to be proud of her and their kid from wherever he is. And that is what she had to do.

She was currently walking around the streets of Polis thinking about all of this before she got to a familiar place which was the same bar stand that she had been at when she heard Raphael's plan and thinking about that made her think about some important things. She took a seat in one of the tables and ordered some food, she was hungry after all, and let her mind wander. She was called Skairipa, Death from above. As a warrior who no longer cared about her own life, she had been proud of that name, almost as imposing as Clarke's Wanheda.

But now as she thought about her baby, that was not what she wanted for them. From the moment she learned that she was pregnant, Skairipa had to go. She couldn't be it anymore, not if she wanted to keep her child safe. She needed to keep him or her away from danger. She could lose her child for what she had become, so she knew that the only reasonable thing for her to do to keep them both safe was to leave. Leave Polis, leave the life of a warrior she had created for herself and be the mother her child would need her to be. Find something else to do with her life and raise her kid to be good, kind and strong, just like their father.

She had all those thoughts on her mind when she heard a voice call to her. "Can I sit?" The guys said as she looked at who it was, she was a little surprised to see him there but nodded anyway and the guy pulled out a chair and sat across from her.

"Ilian kom Trishanakru. To what do I owe the pleasure of the company?" Octavia greeted him sarcastically as she leaned back against her chair and he shrugged looking at her.

"I just saw you sitting here alone, and they used to say misery loves company, so I thought why not? Are you going to kill me for daring sitting here?" He asked her, in challenge.

"When I have decided, I'll be sure to let you know," She said to him as he smiled at her.

"Are you always like this?" He asked her.

"Like what?" She asked him back.

"Sarcastic, ironic, whatever you want to call it," He said to her and she shrugged her shoulders.

"With people I don't particular like, yes I am like this," She answered him.

"And what about the people you don't particularly trust? Do they meet the pointy end of your sword?" He asked her and she smirked shrugging again.

"It depends. If they have earned it, yes. If not, I find another way to let them know they should stay the hell away from me if they don't want that to be their end," Octavia said to him.

"You killed Raphael and don't bother deny it. We both know it's true. I just want to know why. Why did you do it? To protect the Ice King?" Ilian asked her, frowning while she looked at him.

"For the record, I didn't kill your Ambassador. I had absolutely nothing to do with that. But if I had, it would be because it was the easy choice to make. Everyone would win with him being gone. But I did not kill him," She said to him, cryptically.

"Not my people, not my family. They didn't win," He said to her, with sorrow clouding his eyes as she judged he remembered them.

"Look buddy, I understand the desire to avenge the people you care about that were killed, I get it. I did the same thing to the bastard that killed my houmon. But the King had nothing to do with the tech and the deaths of your people," Octavia said to him.

"No, Skaikru did," Ilian said to her and she shook her head.

"Are you missing the part where we were also controlled by that thing same as you were? One of my friends, I believe you know her as Wanheda, was tortured by her own mother who had taken the chip, my other friend Raven almost killed herself. We were not immune to the pain that came along with that thing. If you suffered, so did we. But we were the ones who stopped it, who saved everyone from continuing on being under that bitch's mind control. A thank you would suffice but your people are not big on those, are you? Besides didn't you get your revenge already?" She explained to him.

"It is being said that the tech I destroyed was a fake one and that the real one is still out there. Is that true?" He asked her, curiously and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know anything about those rumors of if they are true. But even if I did, even if they were, I wouldn't exactly tell you, would I? Tell me something. What are you going to do now that you have had your vengeance?" She asked him and he shrugged.

"Go back to my farm, take care of the lands my family owns, continue their work. What about you? Will you keep on killing people?" Ilian asked her, and she shook her head.

"No, no more killing people unless necessary. I have just found out I am pregnant, so I need to take care of my baby and being a warrior such as SkaiRipa is not exactly in my child's best interest," Octavia told him sincerely and he was surprised.

"Why are you telling me? Aren't you worried that I can use that information against you? Or use it to hurt you?" He asked her, confused about why she was trusting him to say something so big like that, but she simply shrugged.

"I don't know the reason for that myself. You just seem like the kind of guy who wouldn't attack a pregnant woman or use her child as a weapon to hurt her, are you?" She asked him and he shook his head.

"Of course not. I would never do something like that to anyone," He answered her sincerely.

"Then, I don't see the problem on telling you. It's not like I will be able to hide it in a few months anyway," Octavia answered him as he nodded his head at her.

"The father, he is dead, isn't he? You said that you lost your houmon," Ilian asked her gently and she tensed before nodding her head.

"I did say that. And yes, the father is dead," She said to him, firmly and he nodded.

"I'm sorry for your loss," He gave her his condolences while she gave him a nod of recognition for the gesture, even if he doesn't know her that well and even if he never knew Lincoln.

"Look, I'm not sure why I am even doing this, but if you need a place to stay that is away from all of this, you can come with me to my farm. There are two houses, you can stay in one and I'll stay in the other and you can help me with the crops," He offered her as she stared at him.

"Why are you trying to help me?" She asked him and he shrugged.

"Like I said, I don't know either. But what I do know is that any child needs a peaceful environment to come to this world and if the mother isn't relaxed, neither will the child be so think of it as me helping the baby rather than you if it makes you feel better. I would like for you to come but if you can't, I will understand," He said to her and she looked at him, searching to see if he had any ill intention with her or her baby but she couldn't find any.

She thought about and considered her options. Polis was dangerous for her and for her baby especially with the rising tensions between the clans. She couldn't go back to Luna's clan, nor did she want to. Arkadia was absolutely out of the question since she wanted away from there and from her brother at least for the foreseeable future, so it was either accept his proposal or try to find another place which would take time and effort. As she looked at him, she knew she needed to think about her baby, and she was more than capable on taking care of him if he ever tried anything against her or her child. So, she nodded at him. "Okay, I'll go with you."

And that was exactly how their trip started. Ilian told her he had planned to leave the next day, but he could wait another day for her to say goodbye to whoever she needed to. She shook her head. She only needed to talk to Indra, Kane and Abby and she could do that in one morning and so she did. The first one she talked with was Indra and explained her decision. The woman understood her choice, having taken some time away from fighting when she was pregnant with Gaia as well. Kane and Abby were more worried, especially the doctor in Abby, but Octavia assured them she would be okay and asked them not to tell Bellamy where she was. They agreed reluctantly.

And so, like that, they left Polis by horse around midday and started their way back to Trishanakru. The day was very pretty, the sun shining in the blue sky. Ilian talked quite a lot and Octavia mostly listened, only speaking a little every once in a while, slipping a snide remark in between once or twice. But she had to admit, he wasn't as bad company to travel with as she had expected him to be, so everything was going extremely fine. When night fell, they took shelter in a cave to protect them from any animals that could be around and then very early in the morning, they continued their trip.

It took them a two more days of traveling by horse and picking up the pace before they finally arrived at his family's farm, now his own and Octavia took a good look around the place. It was quite a large space and it had so many things. Like Ilian had said, she could see the two houses, there were fences. As far as the animals went, there were goats, two cows, bags of crops, tools for farming she guessed, it also had quite a nice view of the forest surrounding them. They stopped at the middle of the farm and got down from the horses.

"Home sweet home," Ilian said to her and she gave him a small smile before he continued speaking, "You can stay on that house and I will stay on this one. There is everything that you need in there, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom."

"Thank you for everything you are doing for me and my baby," She said to him sincerely. She may have become many things, but she still knew how to be grateful and how thank people, even if she didn't do it to everyone who deserved it. He nodded.

"You're welcome," He told her before taking Helios' reign to put her along with his horse inside the small barn they had for the horses and other supplies.

It took some time for Octavia to really feel at home in the place, but she did. She had asked him if he minded if she made a few changes to make the place more like her own and he quickly shook his head, urging her to do it. So, the first few days in her new home, Octavia took to cleaning the house and to making her personal changes, sometimes a simple change in arrangement was enough. Once it was the way she wanted it, she went to start helping him with the crops, but she wasn't having much luck on that front, so she thought that since she liked to spend time with Helios, she could take care of the animals and it worked.

She liked taking care of the goats, cows and horses. She enjoyed giving them baths, food, brushing them, taking their milk which earned a happy memory of Ilian trying to teach her and her splashing goat and cow milk on both of them. The job and living there in the farm turned out to be quite calming, soothing and she took to talking to them as well as the baby. Ilian was also very helpful and respectful. She hadn't known how to cook, so he took time every night to teach her a different dish that she could make for herself and for the baby once it was born.

They would have meals together every day and every night. Ilian was obviously the first one who started sharing stuff from his childhood, stories he had heard and so on. With the passing day, Octavia had noticed that he was at the very least attracted to her, she could feel his lingering eyes on her when she was working with the goats or how bothered and tense he was when she was cooking and they stood a little too close to one another, but he never said anything, never even implied anything, knowing that her heart still belonged to the father of her child and that she wasn't ready for anything of the sorts right now, if ever.

At first, she was completely reluctant to talk and open up about herself, about her past, but he was someone who respected her and someone she was beginning to trust, so she started to talk about simple minor things, like stories of the dropship and everything like that. And slowly she started sharing the major things, like her life under the floor, her brother, her mother but never Lincoln. She didn't talk about him and Ilian never asked even when she was about to mention the man and would change subject before even finishing with her thought.

Until one day, they were sitting down outside the house after a day of work. It had been a little bit over two weeks since she came to live here and it had been quite peaceful, everything she needed to let herself go and start healing and so she decided to follow in what Lincoln had told her and when Ilian stopped talking, she started telling him about the father of her child, she even told him what had happened to her a few nights before and he listened attentively, knowing how dear she held the memories of this man he never met, but wish he did.

That night she had had a dream with Lincoln, she didn't really dream with him in the usual way someone dreamed with a loved one they lost. When she dreamt of him, she would mostly relive their memories together since their first meeting until their moments before Pike took control of Arkadia and locked him up, luckily always avoiding the one of his death. Even in her dreams, he wouldn't hurt her by showing her that particular memory for which she was thankful, but the night before the dream was completely different than the ones she had before.

Lincoln was standing by a cliff as Octavia called to him and he turned around running towards her, scooping her up in his arms, twirling her around. The 'I love you's were many, along with the many kisses they shared until he pulled back to look at her. She had tears in her eyes as she saw his face again, the face of the man she loved, the father of her child. "I miss you so much. I feel so lost without you," She said to him and he smiled at her.

"I know. I miss you too and I have been watching you and our baby. I don't want you to throw your life away because of me, Octavia. You deserve better than that," Lincoln said to her, but she simply shook her head.

"My life has no meaning without you. You were my safe haven. You were my home," She said to him with tears falling down from her eyes.

"And you were mine, but it's time for you to make another. You are so strong, and you deserve to be happy. How will our daughter feel watching her mother live the rest of her life attached to a ghost?" He said to her.

"I know. I know you are never coming back and that it would be best if I moved one, but no one will ever be you," She said to him and he nodded.

"I know but you deserve to be happiness with someone who understands your pain and won't hold it against you. Who understands the situation is willing to love you either way," He said to her and stared as her as she looked back at him.

"You're talking about Ilian, aren't you?" She asked him, already having an inkling that Lincoln was talking about the man who had offered her a helping hand in a time of need.

"He is a good man with a good heart, and he could give you and our daughter the home you both need to be happy. And more than that, he understands that he will never replace me and that you will forever wish it was me, but he is okay to live that way if it means he can be with you. He is even more than okay with helping you raise our daughter. She will need a father and he can be that for her, for both of us," Lincoln said to her, but she just shook her head.

"But I could never love him the way I love you," She said as a matter of fact and he nodded.

"I know that and so does he, but he loves you enough to be happy with you even with that. I'm not trying to pressure you, but I needed to tell you that you don't have to hold yourself back on my account. I can be the love of your life, but it doesn't mean I have to be your last love. You can have another, a little less strong perhaps but no less important. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who loves you, who can love our daughter and Ilian is that person. When you're ready, give him a chance, you will not regret it," He said to her and she nodded.

"When I'm ready, I will give him a chance," She said to him and he nodded with a smile. "You said daughter? Are we having a girl?" She asked him and he nodded as he reached out and touched her belly softly.

"Yes, her name is Agatha, it means good woman. It is what I want her to be and what I know you and Ilian will teach her to be." She had tears falling down from her eyes. "I will always love and be with you. One day, we will be together again. For now, I want you to live. Live Octavia. Live." He said and started to walk away until he disappeared and she woke up.

She finished telling him the story and he had tears in his eyes. "That was beautiful. I'm glad you got the chance to talk to him like that," He said to her and she nodded.

"Me too. And since I woke up, I have been thinking about it a lot and I decided that he was right. I can't live my life mourning him, so I decided that I am ready to move on with my life," She said as she stared at him and he caught the meaning of her words.

"You're talking about us?" He asked her, and she nodded.

"I can come to love you Ilian, but it will never be the way that I will always love him. If you want me and Agatha, you have to understand and accept that. I don't want you ten years from now berating me for still loving a ghost because to me he will never be a ghost, especially when this one is born," Octavia said to him reaching one hand to cup her belly that was starting to show. He took her free hand in his.

"If you can find it in you to love me at all, I will be more than happy," He said to her.

"You really mean that?" She asked him and he nodded.

"My mother went through something similar to you. She was to be bonded with a man she loved very much, but he ended up dying before they could be together. That man was my blood father. But when I was three years old, she met my father and he loved her from the moment he saw her and didn't mind that he would never be the love of her life, he was just grateful she loved him at all. He took me in and raised me like his son, then they had my brother and lived a happy life," Ilian told her and she was shocked.

"You never told me that before," Octavia said, surprised by that new piece of information regarding him and Ilian simply nodded his head.

"I thought if I did, it would feel like I pressuring you to be okay doing the same thing, and I didn't want that. Just because my father wasn't the man my mother wanted to spend the rest of her life with, it didn't make them love one another and be happy any less. And the same will be for us. I respect Lincoln's place in your heart and his part in regard to Agatha, but I think we can be happy as well, if you would let me take care of both of you," He told her and she nodded at him before he leaned forward and kissed her for a while before pulling back as he wrapped one arm around her and she leaned against him.