Chapter 70.

Dean watched the dancers, enjoying their enjoyment. He loved seeing Sarah dancing with the exuberance of a teenager on the hip that Cas had saved from arthritis at the same time that he had healed her cancer. It was wonderful to think that there was another person in the world whose life had been changed to that degree by the same angel. She had said it made them family and he had to agree.

Jack was laughing and grinning and playing the fool and he was making everyone love him. He didn't mind being laughed at, as long as he made those around him happy in some way.

Cas was dancing with Jules and dancing surprisingly well. He looked very different and his cowboy disguise seemed to be liberating a side of him Dean didn't usually see. He seemed to be starting to relax and enjoy himself. He looked at Jules with obvious interest and she seemed to have no problem with that. Dean wanted them to kiss. Cas never seemed to want anything for himself. Dean wanted him to have everything. He was fighting the urge to try to intervene, explain to Jules that Cas was attracted to her, but just pathologically incapable of doing anything about it, but he knew he would only scare Cas and offend Jules. He had to trust that Cas would eventually see that Jules was worth taking the chance.

The dance ended and Sarah came over to him. "Are you ready to dance, yet, Dean?"

He was surrounded by witnesses. He could feel a lifetime of misery trying to break through. He needed to keep control and that meant no dancing. "I'm sorry." he said.

"Later, maybe." she suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." he said. He saw her look and he looked away. "Sam was around here a minute ago. You could dance with him."

She smiled. "Sam needs a little more time. There's something weighing on his mind and he thinks he doesn't want to tell me about it."

"It could be the fact that I'm losing my mind." said Dean, "He's trying to act like he's not worried, but he was always able to rely on me before. Now he can't."

"You still seem very reliable to me."

"It's still happening." he said, "I still feel like I'm reading Cas's mind."

"Are you sure you're not?" she said, "Maybe the talismans don't work fully when an angel is involved."

"I'd rather be going crazy." he said. He looked across to where Cas was talking to Jules. "Look at him. He's happy. He knows he's free of the mind curse. I wish I could be."

"Does Sam think the talismans are working?" she said.

He watched Cas closely, hoping he had not heard that, but Cas was listening to something Jules said. "We can't talk about this here." he said, "But yes, Sam is sure. And Sam is right." he added, "I trust Sam a lot more than I trust myself."

Sarah looked at Cas. "He's starting to relax around her."

"Maybe he's finally worked out that she's into him." said Dean. He could see plenty of evidence that Cas was equally into her. She had his full attention. "They could be great together."

"Yes, I think they could." said Sarah, "Of course, he may still have some feelings for Meg, which could cause complications."

"Meg is dead." said Dean.

"And are you and I going to pretend to each other that death makes a difference to love?"

"I'm not sure what he felt for Meg was love." he said.

"Nor am I, but we should be ready to help him if he has some conflicting feelings about that or about anything else."

"Of course." he said.

"Would you be considering my help if you weren't worried about your sanity?" she said.

"Does it matter?" he said. He saw Sam talking to Bobby. He saw their mutual respect. "You know the hardest part of taking care of someone their whole life?" he said, "Knowing when it's time to get out of their way and let them live their own life."

Sarah said nothing, but she watched his face.

"It's not easy, to step back. In my head, he's just a kid. I see him doing incredible things and the thought haunts me, 'What if he fails?' But he's not failing, he's flying. He doesn't sleep, he barely eats and I worry about him all the time, but now, when they talk about Winchester in hushed tones, it's him they mean, not Dad. He doesn't need me, second guessing his every move. He wants me to stay at your place for a few days and it's not entirely about my sanity. It's also important for his."

Then he looked across at Cas again. Jules was about to dance again, this time with Mark and Cas seemed okay with that. He watched her with a smile as the music started.

"Cas is another matter." he said, "He's vulnerable in all kinds of ways and I don't know if I can leave him when he's still getting over what the mind curse did to him and then there's the Jules situation ... "

"What do you want to do?" said Sarah, "What will help you?"

He thought about it, looking around at all the people who needed him to be sane and useful. Sam needed him to go, Cas needed him to stay. Every person he saw seemed to need something from him.

"It's not about them." she said.

"It's all about them." he said, "It always has been."

"How things have always been is precisely the problem we need to fix." she said.

"Yeah, I know, but I can't fix being a Winchester. I wouldn't want to."

"If you try to meet the needs of everyone in the bunker at once, you'll find it impossible. Why can't you put your own needs first, just once?"

"It's not who I am." he said, "And now you're gonna say that who I am is what we have to change."

She smiled. "No, Dean. I'd never want to change who you are. What's the biggest thing stopping you from leaving here for a few days?"

"Cas." he said.

"Then talk to him."

"Tomorrow." he said. He looked at her. "I promise, tomorrow. If he needs me to stay here, I stay here. If he doesn't, I can go to the farm for a few days."

"You trust me not to go to him now and tell him what to say?" she said.

"You care about him as much as I do. You won't do anything contrary to his interests." said Dean.

She nodded. "Of course, if things go well with Jules, he may become less your problem and more hers."

"Yeah. He'll always be my problem. I yanked him out of Heaven the minute he pulled me out of Hell. I owe him, forever."