A/N: Happy New Year, Dearest Reader :) Please be aware of a small time jump that has taken place to better keep up with the flow of the storyline. Xo
Chapter 88: Basket case
"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness we will discover the infinite power of our light." ~Brene Brown
Olivia stared blankly across the room avoiding the photographers words. Bright flashes continued to erupt like fireworks capturing her every move. It wasn't until her makeup artist, Megan interrupted the shoot, forcing everyone to take a five minute break.
The usual banter was being exchanged and Olivia slightly titled her head up giving Megan full access to her lips. She held her cell phone up with one hand checking her messages but none were from Fitz.
"How's the baby?" Megan asked so quietly, Olivia nearly didn't hear the question.
The mere mention of Fitzgerald Thomas Grant IV sent a wave of sadness through her body. She didn't bother hiding the frown forming in her response.
"He's perfect. In every single way. Just perfect."
"You miss him, don't you?"
Olivia caught Megan's worried face and she simply nodded not offering anymore information.
"First trip without him?"
Olivia heavily sighed and nodded again, closing her eyes as Megan made her way to her eyelids retouching the think lavender eyeshadow.
She was thankful her eyes were closed as this helped stop the tears threatening to form. The more her thoughts focused on Tommy, the more her body reacted and it wasn't long before her nipples leaked with breast milk ruining her flower-print dress.
Megan immediately spotted the leakage and without thinking purposely dropped the brushes in her hand creating several large stains near the hemline of her couture gown.
"I guess you'll have to change if he wants the shoot to continue."
Megan's shrugged sparked the smallest grin and Olivia touched her arm before giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you."
Megan winked shutting her makeup case closed and was about to turn when the photographer came from behind eyeing the stain on the dress.
Olivia stood and ignored the unpleasant exchange unfolding while being whisked away from an assistant rushing her to wardrobe. She stood in the center of the room while two young women rushed to change her into the next outfit oblivious her nipples were continuously draining.
They pulled, squeezed, and zipped Olivia's body into the other dress until every inch of her was securely tucked into place.
"Mrs. Grant, I would KILL to have your figure after two children! Jesus how are you so tiny? What's your secret?"
The young assistant's brown eyes twinkled when she spoke and her naïveness was somewhat endearing.
"I think I'm good here," Olivia responded pointing to her purse. "Can you hand me my bag please? I'd like some privacy now."
The two women quickly exchanged glances before handing Olivia her purse and exiting closing the door behind them. She reached into her side pocket and grabbed two small disposable nursing pads tucking them in front of each nipple. She caught a glimpse of her dark red lipstick in the mirror and something about her reflection felt bothersome forcing her to look away.
Her eyes fell onto the medication bottle sitting snugly in the center. Medication everyone pushed her to take... medication she now found herself afraid she'd become dependent on. She wrapped her thin fingers around the bottle and squeezed closing her eyes in disgust as she popped a pill into her mouth.
How did she get like this?
Olivia Pope Grant was literally at the height of her career. She could officially be called a triple threat winning both an Oscar, Tony, and Grammy all in the same year. Come What May shattered box offices world wide and offers from every major motion picture company left her voicemail filled.
Postpartum depression was the clinical diagnosis. Supposedly the pills in her purse would help stabilize whatever was going on with her on the inside. It should've been easy- you take a pill once a day and like Magic things would be back to normal.
The problem was she didn't feel medication was even necessary. It made her feel weak and she began resenting everyone, alienating herself from the people who loved her most. Especially Fitz. She knew her husband had been taking the brunt of her mood swings and it was only a matter of time he grow sick of her.
Hell, she was even sick of herself.
A swift knock on the door sounded which meant it was time to continue the photo shoot. Olivia quickly gathered her composure returning the lid to the bottle and tossing her purse back onto the counter. Deep down she knew the meds would kick in soon making her feel better.
Unfortunately, she wasn't taking the prescription as prescribed which made it impossible to form a consistency with her body.
"Be right out," she called to the door.
Whoever was on the other end of the door appeared to leave and Olivia took one last moment to herself staring at her reflection in the mirror.
She felt empty and alone not recognizing the woman standing before her...
Marisa cradled her nephew inhaling his mesmerizing scent. Her nephew was barely a few weeks old but looked ridiculously bigger than she remembered him. She stood near his crib rocking him gently unable to stop her mind from drifting.
Would she ever get pregnant?
A fear she couldn't explain engulfed her emotions when Fitz cracked the door open popping his head in. That was Marisa's cue to slowly lay Tommy down. Fitz was eventually at her side tugging his tiny blue hat back into place.
"He's so perfect, Fitz. God I want one."
Fitz smirked and squeezed his sisters shoulder somewhat apologetically. For a moment he searched for the right words to respond with but was interrupted from his cell buzzing in his front pocket. He exchanged a quick glance with Marisa who slowly tiptoed out of the room giving her brother privacy.
"Hey, Baby," he whispered into the receiver.
Olivia's long pause spoke volumes and for a split moment Fitz was afraid the call dropped.
"I'm flying home tonight. I tried Fitz...I really did. But-"
"Livvie, stop," he interrupted. "You don't owe an explanation. Did something happen?"
"I'm a basket case, Fitz! That's what happened! I can't stop crying! I can't get a handle on myself. And if you ask me if I've taken my meds, I swear to God I will hang up on you."
Fitz made his way out of Tommy's room and quietly closed the door purposely not responding. It was clear Olivia was upset and her mood swings these days were honestly hard to keep up with. He could hear Marisa and his folks downstairs talking and decided to stay put, leaning his shoulder against the wall.
Quiet sniffles filled the other end and he knew things were hard for Olivia in so many ways. He could see her being stretched in so many different directions and as her husband he felt obligated to somehow pull her out of this.
"You're my basket case."
It was the first thing that came to mind and he couldn't help but blurt the words. Olivia's sniffles slowly subsided and somehow Fitz could sense her calming.
"I'll be home around midnight."
They spoke of a few last minute details before Olivia ended the call leaving Fitz standing alone with his thoughts. Footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs along with the voices of two of his favorite women.
"We're gonna lay down and read a book together," Helen announced holding Maddie's small hand.
Fitz smiled at the mother and bent down picking up his little princess.
"You're so lucky you have Gram here to read your a story. Make sure she doesn't skip any pages, okay?"
Maddie nodded her head and rubbed her eyes indicating she was indeed ready for a midday nap. He finally put her down and decided to let his mother know of the change in plans.
"Go ahead and pick out a book, Baby Girl. I need to talk to Gram for a minute."
Mads quickly scurried down the hall into her room disappearing quickly once in her room. Helen stood by her son and lovingly put her hand on Fitz's forearm sensing something was wrong.
"Is Olivia okay? Marisa said she called earlier."
"She's coming home tonight, Mom...around midnight. I'm sorry. I know you were looking forward to having some alone time here with Tommy."
"Oh, Fitzgerald, bless her heart. I know EXACTLY what Olivia is going through, Dear. Every pregnancy is different and most people just don't understand how difficult postpartum can be on a woman. She should see someone, Honey. Things are different now...she doesn't have to take this on all by herself-"
"Mom, she knows." Fitz interjected. She is...does. It's...complicated."
He wanted to share more but simply didn't know how, resulting in him quickly changing the subject.
"Olivia won't be home until after midnight. I need to take care of some things before tomorrow. Do you mind watching the kids for a few hours? Tommy will likely be up soon."
"Of course, Dear. Take your time. We'll be fine here."
Helen smiled reassuringly at her Son who kissed her cheek goodbye. Marisa was sitting at the kitchen counter talking to Gerald who had completely taken over his sons kitchen. Smells of his fathers famous gumbo filled the air and deep down a sadness he wasn't expecting filled his chest.
"Where you going?" Marisa interrogated, eyeing the keys in her brothers hand.
"I need to take care of a few things. I'll be back in an hour- maybe two."
"Gumbo should be ready by then." Gerald announced over his shoulder.
The imagine of his father standing at his stove made his heart slightly ache. Part of him was looking forward to spending time with his family...without Olivia. The thought made him instantly feel guilty and he shook off his feelings, grabbing a light jacket from the coat closet nearby.
"Hey Dad, we're running low on rice. I'm gonna tag along with Fitz and stop by the store."
Before Fitz could disapprove, his sister was headed out the door, coat in hand. He faintly heard Gerald share his appreciation as he closed the front door and was quickly met by Hudson who jumped up eagerly greeting his Master.
"What's going on? Is Olivia okay? Why are you leaving?"
Maria wasted little time interrogating her brother who patted Hudson a few times before heading to the truck parked in the driveway.
"Ris- I'm not in the mood. Remember, I didn't invite you so if you're riding with me, you better stop with the 20 questions."
His voice lowered an octave leaving Marisa trailing behind. They entered his truck in silence and she couldn't help but eye her brother who clearly had much on his mind. His entire demeanor changed before her eyes and it wasn't like him to treat her so coldly. Worry set in and she couldn't help but continue her interrogation despite Fitz's warning.
"At least tell me if Olivia is okay. I won't tell Mom and Dad."
Fitz rolled his eyes in annoyance waiting for the large iron gate to open. He kept his eye on the elegant gold G in the center trying to contemplate how he was going to shut his sister up for their next hour ride together.
"I can't do this right now, Marisa. I CANT. So either get OUT or keep quiet."
His glare was filled with more sadness than anger making his sister quickly comply with his demand. They were now making their way down the long driveway heading towards the main road when Fitz's conscious got the best of him.
Maybe talking to someone was exactly what he needed...
Fitz watched the car headlights get closer and closer down the long driveway. The rod iron gate eventually opened for the large SUV carrying the love of his life inside. He slid out the door not bothering to put a coat on. The cold chill of air felt refreshing and he stood on the top step waiting for Olivia to exit.
Her driver was first to open the door waving briefly at Fitz who stayed on the porch. A small silhouette soon appeared walking slowly towards their house, her face hidden behind a large winter hat.
By the time Olivia reached the top step her eyes fixated on her husband standing before her in faded jeans and a white button up. His hands were in his pockets no doubt trying to keep warm and just as she was about to speak, Fitz removed them, extending his arms.
Olivia practically collapsed into his embrace finally allowing herself to fully cry hard tears.
"I'm sorry."
"Shhhhh. Let's get you out of this cold. I made us a fire."
They walked inside while Fitz helped Olivia get out of her heavy coat and boots. She wore the same clothes she left in early that morning, the only difference now was her hair and makeup. It was clear she had been on a photo shoot and he searched her face looking for answers.
He watched as she walked directly to the sofa tucking her feet underneath her petite frame. She stared into the fire purposely avoiding eye contact with the one person who knew her better than anyone.
"I didn't want you to come home, Liv. And that scares the shit out of me."
Olivia's eyes filled with tears at his brutal honesty and it wasn't until then she found the courage to finally look at him.
"It scares me too."
Fitz kneeled before Olivia resting his hands on her lap searching her large doe eyes.
"We're gonna get through this, Baby. I promise."
Olivia nodded her head in agreement unable to speak believing with all her heart they would indeed pull though this difficult time in their marriage.
"I'm tired of feeling this way."
She finally mustered up the strength to speak what was in her heart, hoping that actually saying the words out loud would somehow make a difference. Fitz nearly cried at hearing the confession, squeezing her waist tight.
It was Olivia who made the first move, kissing her husband hard on the lips, practically forcing her tongue inside his mouth. Fitz was quick with his reflexes, unzipping his jeans just enough to set his cock free.
Olivia was soon naked below the waist, moisture now dripping down her thighs. Between the heat radiating from the fire and Fitz's warm body, Olivia found herself feeling lightheaded. Her toes curled as Fitz entered her roughly and she found herself now straddling his lap-their bodies somehow switching places on the sofa without her even realizing it.
Her breasts were full and ached but were no match for the lust felt for her husband. She purposely lifted them- feeding Fitz one nipple at a time. The air was thick and the magnetic pull between them took full charge leaving them craving one another in the rawest possible manner.
Fitz licked, sucked, and kissed his way up her neckline until their lips connected once again. Something about his need for her brought all her pent up emotions to the surface- her tears spilling down her cheeks in waves.
She cried throughout their love-making, her tears more relief than sadness. It felt good to be loved and wanted.
And especially desired...
Olivia awoke to the smell of breakfast and she immediately jolted out of bed, her mind groggy and confused. Tommy was in the nearby bassinet sleeping and the sight of him instinctively made her nipples begin to leak.
She picked up her Son and sat back on the bed examining him from head to toe. He looked peaceful and content, his light brown curls poking out of his tiny cap. Everything about him was utterly perfect and stared in awe for some time softly kissing his cheek trying not to wake him.
Soft voices could be heard coming towards the door and just as it opened Maddie came in with Hudson trotting closely behind.
"Mommmmyyyy!" Mads screeched climbing into the bed as best she could.
Olivia helped her up with her free hand cuddling her daughter close.
"Oh my goodness, I think you grew!" Olivia boasted, kissing Madelyn several times hello.
Her daughter talked nonstop- a mixture of words and babble while Hudson sprawled out on the floor. Fitz soon entered the bedroom carrying a tray filled with the most delicious smell. He wore gray sweats with no shirt and Olivia watched him walk around the bed towards her end table setting the tray down nearby.
"Good morning," he half whispered, bending down to kiss Olivia hello.
She caught his gaze and touched his cheek making certain he made eye contact with her.
"Good morning. And thank you."
Fitz winked in reply and slid next to her picking up Maddie through the air in one exaggerated scoop. Fitz completely took his daughter by surprise causing her to squeal in sheer delight. The sound made Tommy stir and they each marveled at the way he stretched out his tiny arms while waking up.
"My Brover!" Maddie announced, making certain both her Mom and Dad knew Tommy was indeed "hers".
Olivia gently placed the new little man in her life down on the bed in between her and Fitz grabbing some bacon from the plate on the tray. Maddie quickly took over cuddling her baby brother the best way she knew how. He watched her every move in amazement cooing from time to time.
She munched on breakfast and watched her kids contently until half her plate was empty.
"You sleep alright?" Fitz asked, twirling the ends of Maddie's hair.
Olivia nodded between bites and reached for her glass of juice when her purse caught her attention. It was on the floor next to Hudson and she didn't think twice bending down to reach for it.
Fitz watched as she brought her purse onto the bed and he remained quiet while she opened her bottle of medication, swallowing a small white pill in the process. Her actions happened fast and she tossed her bag back onto the floor as quickly as she lifted it, returning back to her plate of food on the tray in the most nonchalant manner.
He continued to remain silent deep in thought, thinking about how far they'd come since he first saw Olivia perform on Broadway. Their marriage was far from perfect but it was mornings like this that reminded him of just how special his life was.
And just how desperately he loved the woman sitting beside him...