Chapter 57.
Dean excused himself from the table and went into the parlour to call his mother. She answered quickly. "Dean, is something wrong?"
"No, nothing." he said, "And I resent the implication that I only call you when something's wrong. I just wanted to let you know, we won't be home tonight. It's late, we're all tired and Sarah suggested we should stay over. I think it's best. Sammy needs some sleep and Cas needs a night away from the bunker."
"It could be good for all of you." she said.
"Is everything there okay?" said Dean, "Because, if you need me, I can go back alone and pick these three up tomorrow."
"Everything's fine and I resent the implication that without you, things fall apart. Bobby and I are coping very well."
"I'm sure you are." said Dean. He knew he could end the call there, but there was something so good about talking to her like that, the playfulness, the mutual respect and affection, the feeling of knowing that she truly loved him. "Mom," he said, "How's your day been?"
"Pretty good, thanks, Dean, apart from worrying about my boys."
"Well, we're all fine." he said. He listened to the silence of her choosing not to say how little she believed him. "Sarah has a way of getting them all to talk about what's worrying them. It's like magic, but no rabbits are harmed in the process."
"I don't understand that reference." she said.
"Now you sound like Cas." he said. Again she was quiet. He was doing what he always did, telling her the things that were easy and safe and applied to the others, holding back a little on himself, trying to pretend he had no issues to address. He was still a little afraid of being too much trouble, causing too much worry, admitting that he didn't have everything figured out. And she was his mom and she heard, not his reassurances, but his reluctance to let her into his life.
He tried to remember the way it had been when he was a little kid, how easily and openly he had shared everything with her. "Talking to Sarah is good for us." he said, "I've told her things I never tell anyone."
"Dean, that's wonderful." she said, "Keep talking. I know you think you don't matter as much as the others, but you matter to me."
"I love you, Mom." he said.
"I love you too." she said.
"I'd better get back to the others. I'll see you tomorrow." he said.
"Yes. Make sure you get some sleep."
"I will." he said. He realised he was smiling. Just the thought of her caring whether he slept made him feel so good. He had missed that when he had been motherless.
After ending the call, he waited a moment. He listened to the talk from the kitchen. He heard Sam chuckle and Jack agree with something. He wished they could stay here forever, in this house that felt like it had always been their home. He composed himself and went back to take his place at the table.
"How's everything at home?" said Sam.
"Sounds like things are running smoothly without us." said Dean.
"Mary and Bobby are amazing." said Jack.
"Yeah, they are." said Sam. He sighed. His head nodded slightly.
Dean was reminded of Sam's earliest childhood, when the first sign he was about to fall asleep in his cereal was always that same nod.
"Hey, go to bed." he said, "You're almost out of it."
Sam seemed about to argue, then he seemed to give in. "I probably should go to bed, if that's okay?"
"Of course it is." said Sarah, "You get some rest, Sam. I think you'll sleep better tonight."
"Yeah, so do I." he said, "Goodnight, everyone."
"I'll try not to wake you when I go up." said Dean.
"It's fine." said Sam. He kissed Sarah's cheek. "Thanks for everything, Sarah and welcome to the family."
She smiled at him. "Sleep well."
When Sam had gone upstairs, Dean glanced at Sarah. "He may be exhausted, but he's in a much better state than he was. You work miracles."
"Sam is a miracle. I just try to remind him of that a little."
"Seeing him so much more relaxed is just great." said Dean.
"And you seem much more relaxed too." she said.
"You really do." said Cas, "Observation, not mind-reading."
"I know." said Dean, searching Cas's face for hints about his mood. It was always hard to tell whether Cas was joking or profoundly unhappy. He saw a trace of a smile in the corners of the angel's mouth and he smiled back, hopefully.
Sarah did not seem at all uncertain. She was smiling happily at Cas.
"When are we going to paint the car?" said Jack.
"Are you sure you want to help with that?" said Dean.
"Of course I do." said Jack.
Dean turned to Sarah. "I'm assuming you want the same colour."
"Whatever paint you have will be lovely." she said.
"No, ditch the 'I don't want to be any trouble' part. Ideal world, same colour?"
She nodded. "I do love the colour."
"And my Baby will never be anything but black." he said, "These things matter. It may take a while to get the paint, but we'll get it done as soon as we can and Cas will help us too, won't you, Cas?"
"I'd love to." said Cas, his eyes thanking Dean for not leaving him out.
"On the subject of cars," said Dean to Cas, "I don't want or expect you to take an interest in that stuff. I just need to know ... " He stopped talking, convinced that nothing he said was going to undo the harm of mentioning the subject at all.
Cas looked at him in benign confusion. "Need to know what?"
"When you're out there, in the world, with just that car of yours between you and disaster, I need to know the car is running ... that you can keep it running. It's fine, if we have Jack around, because I can teach him and he can keep you on the road, I just need to know that you're gonna be okay."
"With or without a car, I'm mostly indestructible." said Cas.
"I know." said Dean, "But as long as the word mostly is in there, I need to know you're safe."
"Seems a little unfair," said Cas, "When I know all the time that the one thing I can be sure of is that you're not safe."
"Well, I seem to be mostly indestructible too." said Dean, "Nothing has killed me permanently yet."
"Hmm." said Cas, before falling silent again.
Sarah patted Cas's hand. "Castiel, dear, I know things have been very difficult for you, but you are feeling better now, aren't you?"
"I think so." he said.
"That doesn't sound very certain." said Dean.
"It's honest." said Sarah, "Sometimes, Castiel doesn't interpret feelings well, even his own. I don't need guarantees or false reassurance. I need to know he's talking. If things go wrong and he starts to feel bad, he'll tell me, won't you, Castiel?"
"Yes, I will." said Cas.
"Tell me too." said Dean.
"If I'm not very careful, my mind will fire the thought straight at you." said Cas.
"That works too." said Dean, "But tell me in case it doesn't."
"I will." said Cas. He smiled at Sarah, "I think I'll go up now. I can be ready if Sam needs anything."
"It's not your job to look after us." said Dean,
"No," said Cas, "It's my vocation."