"What do you want Bakugou?"
(The Night of the Fight)
"Sorry."
Katsuki never got to see the reaction of either Izuku or Momo. His head was down, and he had said it just as the door closed. That was no apology. Katsuki knew that.
He couldn't even look Midoriya in the face when he "apologized". To make it worse, he said it just as the elevator was leaving. He shouldn't have done that. He knew that. Katsuki knew he should just look the green-haired teen in the eye, and apologize.
But, he couldn't.
He couldn't bring himself to.
*Ding*
The doors of the elevators slid open, and Katsuki walked out onto his floor. As he trudged towards his room, it all kept swirling around in his head.
"This rooftop...It's the perfect place for a swan dive, isn't it?"
Katsuki grabbed at his hair and shook his head. He made it to his room and basically kicked the door open and slammed it shut, locking the door. It was all on loop in his head. He wanted so badly to say it was a lie. That Izuku was just exaggerating, or trying to get a rise out of him.
But, it was true. And Katsuki knew it.
Deku couldn't lie to save his life. Not about something like that.
The worst part wasn't even that Izuku had told him. It wasn't that he was punished. It wasn't that he had finally realized just how big of an impact he had on Deku.
It was that he had no fucking idea what to do about it.
He couldn't just apologize...Right?
Well, he had tried that on the elevator. But, that clearly didn't work out. How should he apologize for something like that? He couldn't. But, then the back of Katsuki's mind began intruding.
The real question wasn't, "How should I apologize?"
It was, "Why am I apologizing?"
"That fucker never said a damn thing to anyone. That's not my fucking problem! None of the teachers cared! Everyone else didn't care! They fucking knew their places, and knew what Deku's place was! If he can't handle being a worthless piece of shit, that's his problem! He can't just blame me for his weakness!"
... Katsuki wasn't very good at lying to himself.
He pushed that thought out of his mind and roughly sat down on his bed. He knew that wasn't right. He was to blame, and there was no trying to delude himself. However, he still couldn't exactly pinpoint why it was his fault.
It was true that no one gave a shit about Deku. None of the teachers ever did. None of the students ever did. In fact, they encouraged Katsuki's behavior towards Deku. Well, the students encouraged it. The teachers were indifferent.
If he never got in trouble for it, what was the problem?
Heroes were strong.
Villains were weak .
Villains were freaks .
Quirkless were freaks.
And Deku had been all three.
To a Young Katsuki, it all made sense as to why Deku was picked on. So when it all started, it just didn't stop. He couldn't stop. Deku being the "bad" one was encoded into his brain as a child.
...His brain was coded into thinking it was okay to beat the shit out of some weak kid?
'Holy shit I'm fucked up.'
But, Deku wasn't just some weak kid. He was quirkless. But, quirkless didn't do anything wrong. Yet, it seemed like everyone still hurt them.
When Izuku was found out to be quirkless, everyone turned on him. He was never particularly popular. But, after the quirkless diagnosis…
Everything changed.
So, if everyone ostracized Izuku, and they praised Katsuki, why was he the only one getting flak for it.
Why was it his fault?
Yes, quirkless didn't do anything wrong. And Izuku may have never exactly done anything illegal like a villain. But people sure treated him like a freak. And that freak did nothing but get in Katsuki's way of being hero. Always challenging him and acting so high and mighty. Always thinking he could still be a hero.
... Or, at least that's what Katsuki thought Deku was doing.
Now, however…
"FUCK!"
* CRRNCH*
The blonde's fist crashed through the wall, his fist emerging bleeding and scraped. He was lucky that no one was in the room next to him. If he had punched his other wall, Kirishima would have had a surprise waiting for him when he woke up.
He fell onto his back and into his blankets, pushing down the uncomfortable bubble inside of his stomach. He was drained, and he clearly wasn't thinking straight. He knew what he did was wrong, but his brain wouldn't allow him access to the answer. He wasn't making any sense. His mind was trying to justify his actions.
Damn, he needed sleep.
He burrowed his head into his pillow, and clamped his eyes shut. Katsuki never avoided his problems. Problems were meant to be faced head on, and fucking killed. At least, that's what he believed. Some would say trying to sleep instead of talking out the problems that need immediate resolution was avoiding the issue.
And Katsuki would agree with them.
But, this time he would make an exception.
After how intense the fight had gotten, and Recovery Girl's quirk, sleep came easy to him.
Unfortunately, his dreams were filled with small green-haired kids with impact blood splatters under them.
And that would be a continuing trend for the next week.
...
(The Day of the Work Study)
"Apology not accepted."
Katsuki watched as Izuku strode out of the kitchen and head towards the front door. The blonde could hear him conversing with Momo and Kirishima as if their interaction had never happened. "Damn it...God fucking damn it!"
Katsuki picked up a nearby mug and smashed it into the wall. The discomforting bubble in his core was swelling again, but he continued to press it down as best he could. He stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards his room. He had tried. He had really fucking tried. As it turned out, sleep wasn't the key to thinking straight.
Or, it actually probably was. It was just too bad that Katsuki could barely sleep only a couple of hours every night since the reveal.
He had decided to say "fuck it", and apologize for real that time. It would hopefully clear his conscience, and he could move on. And as it turned out, Midoriya finally learned what a grudge was.
...Okay, a grudge was a bad word. A grudge made it sound like Izuku's anger wasn't really justified. Katsuki had at least been able to come to terms with the fact that he had gone too far.
...A lot.
But, he still had a lot of questions.
The teen only managed to make it to the 2nd floor before halting. He looked down the hallway at the boys side of the floor. The level only holding Midoriya, Iida, Tokoyami, Yaoyorozu, and Aoyama.
And the answer to some of those questions was down the hall.
He shouldn't.
He knew he shouldn't.
But, that didn't stop him from walking down the hall to Izuku's dorm door. Katsuki looked around to make sure no one, especially Four Eyes, wasn't around. He tested the knob, checking if the door was unlocked. It went all the way down, notifying Katsuki that the room was free to enter.
He stepped inside, and carefully closed the door behind him. When he flipped the switch, the lights turned on and lit up an admittedly All Might vacant room. Katsuki was expecting a full blown red, white, and blue fanboy room.
Sure, it had All Might figures on the shelf. Some damn rare ones that Katsuki recognized. If anyone would have that merchandise, it would be Deku. His blankets were All Might merch, he had small trinkets around his desk and nightstand, and some stickers on the mini fridge.
Katsuki scoffed to himself. If he knew one thing about Deku, it's that he wouldn't leave behind All Might merchandise. He walked over to the closet and opened it up. A row of three boxes were nearly bursting with American colors and plastic action figure arms coming from the seams.
He rolled his eyes, but had a smirk on his face. Which was immediately wiped away when he looked up to see a risque red nightgown on one of the hangars. "Ugh! God. Holy shit that's gross."
The last thing he needed was the image of Deku and Ponytail "getting busy" in his brain. He slammed the door and stepped back. He was invading Deku's privacy enough, and he was learning far too much. 'Just do what you came here to fucking do.'
Katsuki's gaze turned to the desk. The famous hero journals sat at the back of the desk, elevated on a shelf. The teen made his way to the books, picking the first one off of the shelf. As he flipped through the pages of crappy drawings of heroes and crayon written analysises, only one word came to mind to describe it all.
Innocent.
It was all just so innocent. It was an amalgamation of the hopes and dreams of a little kid.
...And he apparently tarnished those hopes and dreams to the point of wanting said little boy to end his life.
The journal suddenly felt like fire. Katsuki dropped the book in an instant, turning away from the desk. That sort of thing had been happening since the fight. Every so often the full weight of the situation would swing back at him. He would once again remember what he did and his stomach would churn and something would expand in his soul.
Katsuki couldn't help but see the irony in how much he would yell the words "Die" at people. It was strange to think that there was someone that was going to take his words seriously. No, strange wasn't the right word. It was…
Haunting.
He steeled himself and turned back around to the desk. Katsuki looked back up to the shelf and saw a burnt and charred book. He pulled it out, and came to a realization. It was the notebook he burnt on the day of the sludge monster.
He had thrown it out the window and told Deku to... Katsuki shook his head to clear his thoughts and opened the book. He flipped through the pages and found nothing too out of the ordinary. There were a few scatter footnotes and reminders that Katsuki found disturbing.
"Buy more burn cream."
"Mom comes home early on Thursday. Leave the window unlocked when you leave tomorrow. Enter via the fire escape so she doesn't see you come in."
"DON'T GO TO THE CORNER STORE AFTER SCHOOL ON FRIDAYS.Kacchan and his "friends" go there now."
And then, Katsuki found another footnote that made him want to throw up.
"Don't tell Mom to buy more pills. It's too tempting."
...And then another.
"The janitors put a lock on the roof access door. Do they know I was up there?"
"Nevermind. It was locked off for maintenance purposes. I guess I was lucky. That lock is what stopped me. Although, maybe lucky is a bad choice of words."
...And another.
"Why does everyone hate me?"
...And another.
"All Might."
An autograph. A fucking autograph from All Might. With the page it was on and when Izuku had that journal, it would have been before they entered. "Those lying motherfuckers. I knew Deku and All Might had something going on."
He slammed it shut, and moved on to another book. The notes were more than enough justification that Deku wasn't lying, but Katsuki still wasn't satisfied. He wanted full blown, blatant, crystal clear writing of Izuku's want to end it.
The week had been pure torture. He could hardly sleep, he wasn't hungry, he completely zoned out most days. He wanted to be absolutely sure that Deku hadn't made the previous week utter shit for nothing.
He just needed to know where to look.
"This was my perspective for nearly 3 years! This is what I had to look at for years of my life!"
The words Izuku had spoken to him as he forced him to look down at the ground from the roof. "3 years, huh?"
If Izuku was on #13 at the beginning of the last year of middle school, and he went through one to two journals a year, then possibly numbers 9 or 10 would yield answers.
He pulled number 9 off of the shelf and flipped through it. All it contained was more hero notes and footnotes. Katsuki went back up to grab number 10, but his hand felt nothing but air. He shot his gaze to the rows of books to find nothing.
"Hm? Where's the tenth one? That nerd wouldn't ge-...Deku wouldn-...Mi-...Mi-...Mmmmi-!" Katsuki slapped himself hard. "Midoriya wouldn't get rid of them." The blonde shuddered at the use of Izuku's name. He couldn't remember the last time he had used it. It had to have been at least 12 years. Even when they were on better terms as children, he had called him Izuku.
But, Katsuki felt he didn't even have the right to say his first name anymore.
If the journal wasn't there, then where would it…
"Ponytail," Katsuki grumbled. It was already bad enough that he had to infiltrate into Izuku's room, but Momo's? "God Fucking Damn it."
Katsuki put the books back where they were before and walked out of the room, making his way over to the girls side of the second floor. Or, more like "Girl" since Yaoyorozu was the only one on that floor.
He turned the knob on Momo's door, and walked in to see the most prim, proper, and expensive dorm room he had ever seen. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
If he didn't know that Izuku was so "obnoxiously" pure, he would've assumed he got with Momo for her money.
...Or her breasts.
Katsuki looked around the room until he was met with Momo's desk and bookshelf. He made his way over and spotted his target on the desk. Hero Journal #10. He picked it up and began scouring through the pages. Just as he was about to think there was nothing of worth in the book, he noticed something.
The last page was torn out. Izuku pulling out a page of hero notes from his precious journals? Not likely. There were indents from writing on the inside of the paperback cover. It was almost like someone was angry and pressing down really hard on the paper when writing.
He pulled out a pencil from Momo's drawer and began lightly sketching over the indents. He had learned about that technique from the crime scene investigation chapter in their Heroics Class. The words from the missing paper began to appear.
I'm sorry.
I don't really know what else to say. I don't even know who would read this besides Mom. No one else would care. I'm not even sure I do. But, I guess I should just do it anyway.
Mom. I'm so sorry. I've caused you so much trouble over the years for. And now more than ever if you're reading this letter. I know this must be sudden for you. I know you'll be sad. At least I hope you will be. I'm sorry that I made Dad leave, and for making people point at you for having the quirkless kid.
I don't know what went wrong when I was born. I wish I could go back and change it. I would even give myself a useless quirk. It would've saved you so much hurt and struggle. You deserve a better child. You were right not to believe in me. I guess I was just too deluded to accept it. The pressure you must've had back then is unimaginable. But you were right.
You did your best. You were a great mom that did everything she could. I owe everything good about me to you. But I strayed away from you. It's my own fault this happened. Don't take any blame. I'm begging you. If I still tried to be a hero, I would've gotten myself killed. But I guess I end up dead either way.
You can sell all of my All Might stuff. I made you waste so much money on those.
Move on. For me, please. Don't get hung up on me. I'm not worth the time. Find someone to love now that I'm not holding you down. Have another child. One better than me. Forget about me. I love you Mom.
Kacchan. I'm sorry for getting in your way. I guess you were right. I know you'll become a great hero. I'd say don't worry about me. I would go on a whole speech to you. Maybe even give you an entirely separate letter. But I'm sure you'll just walk over my body on the pavement. I doubt you'd ever read this anyway. So I'll just say this. Thank you for the time when we were friends.
And for the rest of it…
Go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry,
Deku
Well...If Katsuki wanted proof, he got it.
Katsuki stumbled backwards and sat back on the bed. His eyes never left the words written on the notebook. It was real. It was all real. He looked at it with his own eyes.
If Deku had actually written a letter, then he was far closer to ending it than Katsuki had originally thought. And those final words.
Go fuck yourself.
Those words that were so out of character for Midoriya. A kid that Katsuki had known his entire life. The kid that he used to play Heroes and Villains with.
His last words in the living world to him, were "Go fuck yourself".
He had broken him far more than he thought.
And for some reason, those words hurt far more than Katsuki would ever expect them to.
Everything had started to become suffocating to Katsuki. Holding the journal was making his stomach churn and his heart clench. His eyes burned. He quickly erased the pencil marks and put the journal back.
Katsuki steeled himself and grit his teeth. No. No it wasn't all his fault. There were others. And Deku was just weak.
'Or he was strong for years, but finally reached a breaking point.'
"Fuck!" Katsuki threw a spark filled hand at the bookshelf, but stopped himself quickly. He couldn't touch anything in there. He began turning away from shelf, but stopped as his eyes caught something. In one of the books, a blue paper rectangle stuck out of the top.
"Thank you for shopping at Yubi's Book Emporium. Take this free bookmark, bring it back to the store again at your next purchase, and get a 10% off discount from your next book. One time only."
Yubi. He had heard that name before. But where?
"...Yubi. A boy named Naides Yubi recognized Izuku in a bookstore we were at. He talked about Izuku not having a quirk and he acted almost afraid of him. He was even trying to apologize."
Katsuki's eyes widened at the revelation. Momo had mentioned Yubi in the nurse's office after their final. 'Fingers. That extra was always around me. And he tried to apologize too.'
The blonde fled out of the room and made his way downstairs. He grabbed his jacket off of the rack and made his way to the front door where Momo and Ejirou were still awaiting Tamaki. "Ponytail! I need to ask you something."
"Perhaps I'll consider it if you use my real name."
"I don't remember it, and I don't care enough to try. Where was the bookstore you and Deku went to?"
"It seems you didn't hear me. What I said was-"
"Forget it!" He shoved his way past the two and made his way out the front door. "I'll find it myself!" As Katsuki stomped his way to the front gates, Kirishima shot out of the dorms and chased after Katsuki.
"Bakugou! Wait up!"
"What do you want Stupid Hair!?" He screamed, not stopping to turn around.
"Where are you going!? You can't leave without permission anyway!"
"I don't give a shit! And it's none of your fucking business. Now leave me alone."
"Come on! Bakugou! Just stop!" He grabbed the blonde's shoulder and turned him around to face him. "What's the matter with you!? Scratch that. What's been the matter with you? Whatever happened between you and Midoriya is destroying you!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Ejirou looked him over in disbelief, "Do you not see it? You look like you haven't slept in days. You haven't eaten lunch with us either. You don't talk to us anymore. Hell, you don't even insult us anymore. I wanna help you."
Katsuki grit his teeth and went almost nose to nose with Kirishima. "I. Don't. Need. Or. Want. Your. Fucking. Help." The blonde swished around and blasted himself over the front gate, making his way to the train station. He turned on his phone's GPS, and typed in "Yubi's Book Emporium".
…
(Present Time)
"I need to talk to you."
Yubi scoffed. " You want to talk to me? I didn't think you would even remember a worthless extra like me," Yubi said with a sarcastic tone.
"Stop being so fucking annoying and talk to me."
"I don't take orders from you anymore. I have the authority to kick you out of here so I would start acting nicer if I were you. Honestly I might just kick you out anyway."
Katsuki growled and stepped further into the store. "Who the fuck pissed in your food? So you suddenly hate me or something?"
"Hmmm…?" Yubi put a finger to his chin in false contemplation. "Yep." Yubi turned around and began walking to the back of the store.
"Look it's…" Katsuki took all of his willpower to say his next phrase. "I need your he-...I need you helelelel...I need your heEEEeee-"
"You need my help?"
"That, yes."
"What exactly would you of all people on this damn planet need my help with?"
"It's about De-...Midoriya."
Yubi faltered at the use of Izuku's real name. "Wh-...What?"
"I'm not saying it again!"
"You used Midoriya. You, the creator of the name Deku, used his real name." Yubi's look of anger disappeared and turned into one of disbelief. "Holy shit. You must've really fucked up this time."
Katsuki looked down at the ground, "Just about."
Naides sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He walked to the front counter and pulled a tall stool out from behind it, placing it in front of the check out. He walked behind the counter and sat in another stool for himself. "Take a seat."
Katsuki complied, and sat across from Yubi. "So, what happened?"
"I can't say."
"Are you kidding m-"
"Not fully!" Katsuki interrupted. "I can't say everything. I just need some answers from you."
"You needing someone else's answers? That's rich."
"Should I come back when you're done being a dick? Or is that just not happening? Because two assholes in one room is just aggravating."
Naides raised a brow, "Did you just refer to yourself as an asshole? Are...you finally self aware?"
"Shut the fuck up and listen. About a week ago, De-...Gggrrrrrhhh! Midoriya. We got into a fight."
"Like, an argument? Or beating the crap out of each other?"
Katsuki scoffed and looked away, crossing his arms. "I'd say both, but it was more like he beat the crap out of me."
"Woah, seriously!? Midoriya actually did that? Well, I guess after he broke you hands anything's possible."
"That's just the thing. I pissed him off back then. This time I made him fucking snap. And...he said some things to me."
"About how we made his life a living Hell?" Katsuki's silence was his only answer. "So you finally figured it out. And here I was thinking I was the only one who had opened his eyes. It's just like I told Kubi at the restaurant."
"Who?"
"He was another one of your pions you never remember. I told him about Midoriya having a smoking hot girlfriend, and he not only didn't believe me, but he kept making fun of him. I told him to grow up and realize what monsters we were. And, out of everyone I would have never expected the next person to realize would be you. In fact, I thought you would be the last, if ever."
"I want to know. Why is what we did that wrong?"
"... Excuse me?"
"That came out wrong. That's not what I meant."
"Are you telling me that you don't realize why what we did, everything we did, was wrong? Are you that fucking sick in the head!?"
Katsuki slammed his fist onto the counter, "Of course I know it was wrong! I want to know why no one ever reprimanded us! I want to know why no one, not a single person stood up for Deku! No one cared! No one ever tried to be his friend! All of you idiots and extras looked up to me! If it was all so wrong, why did he not get any help!?"
Naides looked at him and rage filled disbelief. "Are...Holy hell dude. You...What do you think? We followed you because you were considered cool. You had a great quirk. You were going to be a hero. You were so confident and strong. Quirks were everything back then. The teachers blew so much smoke up your ass that no one could see anyone else. And when you turned on Midoriya, and he didn't have a quirk, we followed like sheep. And those who didn't were fucking terrified of you. They all knew what we did to Midoriya. They knew that if they reached out to him, they would be treated the same way. Either that, or they were assholes too. Sadly, the latter seemed to be the case more often than not. And here's the thing. You keep calling people "extras". When are you going to realize that other people matter too? We're people. And so is Midoriya."
"So it still leads back to me. It can't be all my fault."
"Yeah it does. But you weren't completely at fault. Hell no. We're just as much to blame for a lot of it. But, you were the one that took it too far most of the time. You can't blind yourself to how terrible you were."
"...How did we not see it?"
"I don't know. Our frontal lobes weren't, and still aren't fully formed yet. Decision making and morals weren't exactly our strong suit. It's no excuse, but...I don't know. I go everyday thinking about that stuff. Maybe we just refused to believe we were bad people. I'm going to go everyday trying to make up for what I did."
Refusing to think he was a bad person? That sounded like half of Katsuki's entire life. Self awareness wasn't something he was particularly good at.
Yubi shook his head, "And we didn't have good role models to tell us it was wrong." He clenched his fists, "Fuck those teachers. I'm glad they're all getting fired and thrown out on their asses."
"Hm? What are you talking about?"
"...You didn't hear?"
...
Aldera Junior High.
What a joke.
Katsuki walked through the front door and was sent back to the past. It had hardly changed since the last time he was there. Although, that looked like it wouldn't be the case for long.
There were signs everywhere with the words "Soon to be renovated and owned by the newly instituted Yaoyorozu Education and Care Foundation: A branch of The Yaoyorozu Corporation."
Katsuki couldn't believe it. 'Ponytail really must like him if she's willing to do all this.'
"Bakugou?" Katsuki turned his head to see his old homeroom teacher down walking towards him. He was carrying a cardboard box full of desk trinkets and a nameplate. "What are you doing here? Visiting your old stomping grounds?"
"I guess you could say that, uh…" He really needed to get better with names. "...Teach."
"Ah, well I guess I can't blame you. You want to remember your times here before it's all changed."
"I'm assuming one of those changes is you got canned."
The teacher gave a dry chuckle, "Yeah. I'm outta here. Those rich folks and that little green haired woman march right in, slapped a bunch of signs everywhere, and gave nearly every single member of the staff a pink slip. They want a complete overhaul of the school. But, I can't say we don't deserve it."
"Huh?"
"That woman was Midoriya's mother. We got calls and demands from her for years to do something about bullying in this school. But we didn't do jack shit. Pardon my language, but I'm not a teacher anymore, so it doesn't really matter." He shook his head and turned to look down the hallway. Katsuki followed his vision to see Izuku's old locker down the hall. "I still can't believe that kid somehow got a quirk. A damn powerful one at that. We're all just lucky he didn't snap. He was a smart kid, and with a quirk like that he would've made a terrifying villain."
"He's not!" Katsuki said with a growl.
"Woah! Jeez I know. I was just saying if he was it would be scary. I'm sure we would all be on his hit list. When did you start to care anyway? You clearly didn't like him."
"A few years later than when you should've cared. Now beat it. Go find some other kids to ignore." Katsuki walked passed the teacher, deciding that it wasn't worth his time anymore. That bastard could go to hell.
...Was that hypocritical?
Yeah, probably.
The blonde walked to Izuku's old locker. It wasn't hard to figure out which one it was. In a sea of clean red lockers, only one was covered in graffiti and messages. It seemed like they hadn't given anyone Izuku's locker since he left.
Or even bothered to clean it.
At that point, you could hardly see the original paint on the locker. It was mostly black scribble with specks of red underneath. With how much people would write on it, most of the messages weren't readable. From the very little Katsuki could make out, it was things such as "Quirkless freak", "No one wants you here or anywhere", "Deku", etc.
The usual.
Although, there was one message Katsuki knew was still untouched and not covered by any other messages. He used his old trick he used to do to open Izuku's locker. He and other kids would put stupid crap in his locker to fuck with him.
He had been such a fucking child.
He jiggled the handle and punched edges. The door opened and Katsuki was met with large writing, scratched into the metal on the back wall of the locker.
Deku
/Dekū/
noun
Quirkless trash that has somehow taken the form of a human being.
Synonyms: Worthless, Garbage, Useless, etc.
Antonyms: Useful, Valuable, etc.
Taken from the Katsuki Bakugou Dictionary.
Katsuki's eyes closed and his teeth ground together. He remembered carving it in with an Exacto Knife from art class. He remembered watching from around the corner to gauge Izuku's reaction when he saw it. He remembered...the sadness...the hurt…
The acceptance.
"RRRAAAH!" Slammed his open palm into the back wall of the locker, and poured all of his energy into small, but scorching hot explosions. Small dents ands and scorch marks covered the writing. The metal began to slightly melt and bubble. Smoke poured out from the locker, filling the hall.
"Ah!" The liquified metal touched his skin, causing Katsuki to jump back. Realizing what he had done, he bolted from the scene before anyone could check out the situation. As he began his sprint towards the exit, a door down the hall opened up. Katsuki took a sharp turn and ran to the side and up the stairs. With every floor he spotted more and more people exiting their rooms to investigate the sounds from the first floor. He kept running up the stairs until he hit a door.
After bursting through it and slamming it behind him, he realized where he was.
The roof.
The wind brushed against his face as he stood tall above the rest of the world. He hesitantly took his first step towards the edge. This place was essentially Izuku's place to get away from it all.
And not in a good way.
Katsuki made it to the edge and looked down at the ground. The school wasn't super tall. It was three stories, which compared to the buildings of the city it was surrounded by, it was little. It wasn't enough to kill someone instantly unless they went head first.
And now the image of Izuku landing head first on the pavement was in his head.
He grimaced and sat down with his legs dangling over the edge. What was he supposed to do? Katsuki thought that his little outing was going to give him answers. He thought it would give him a solution on how he was supposed to apologize. But, the more he learned and remembered, the more it looked like there was no way to be forgiven for his actions.
He destroyed a life.
He had stomped on dreams and smeared them across the ground.
He had almost wiped it from existence entirely.
He was supposed to be all about being a hero. It was what he wanted more than anything. But he had tortured a kid for years just to satisfy his ego. And...he had liked it. It made him feel good. Better about himself even. To him, heroes were the best of the best. They were the greatest. And they were strong. Strength was everything to Katsuki. And he had preyed on the weak just to make him feel strong.
He was no hero.
But, that was all he knew.
So if he wasn't a hero...who was he?
Was that how Izuku used to feel all the time? Just pain on the inside that you couldn't get rid of? As the day went on, everything just built up. Katsuki could feel his limits breaking.
* Bzzt*
Katsuki pulled out his phone tiredly. He looked down to see a text from Kirishima.
Kirishima: Hey. I'm about to enter my hero agency. Hope you're alright man. Just remember you have people who care about you. That's all I'll say so I can avoid a punch in the face when I get back.
A dry chuckle left Katsuki's lips as he finished the text. "Fucking Stupid Hair." He put his phone away and looked back out to the city. "...People who care about me, huh?"
No. No, he couldn't. If he talked to them, he didn't know what he would do. Talking to people who knew or could relate was different. But them...
…
*Knock * * Knock*
The door opened, and the person from inside the house saw their visitor.
"Katsuki?"
"...Hey Old Hag."
"Wh-...What the hell are you doing here? Did your teachers say you could be here?"
"...Can I talk to you?"
Mitsuki stood in shock for a few more seconds before moving out of the way for Katsuki to enter. It was getting late, and she was in her robe getting herself ready for bed. The last thing she expected was to see Katsuki at her door. Her son walked through the door and took his shoes off. He looked around and turned back to her as she closed the door. "Where's the old man?"
"He had to work late tonight. Now no stalling. What are you doing here?" She watched as Katsuki squirmed around where he stood. His eyes were shifting around and...Wait. Katsuki, her brash and unabashed son, was squirming. "Katsuki?" He began walking around and looking at the pictures on the wall. Pictures of their family over the years scattered across the room. He stopped at the side table next to the couch and picked up a picture of himself as a little kid getting his very first All Might toy for his birthday. "Katsuki that's enough! What are you fucking doing here!?
"...Mom?" Katsuki's voice came in quietly. Mitsuki's eyes widened as she was taken aback by that word. "...I did something bad. I-...I did a lot of bad stuff. I hurt someone really bad, for a really long time." Katsuki knew he shouldn't have gone there. He held in a lot, and while they certainly didn't act like a normal family, Mitsuki was still his mom. If anyone could break down his walls just by being in the same room as him, it was her. No matter how they acted, she loved him. And that knowledge was enough for Katuski's emotional dam to burst.
And it would destroy everything.
She would hear everything, and she wouldn't want to speak to him anymore. Her and his dad would likely disown him. Or they would-
"It's alright." A pair of arms wrapped around him, and a hand began stroking through his hair. Not a smack to reprimand his rude actions towards other people, or a pinch to stop him from cursing in public. But a hug, A warm, loving hug. A hug that he had rejected from her for years. A hug from a mother to her son. A hug like Izuku likely received from his mother. A hug that he would've taken away from Inko and Izuku for the rest of their lives.
A hug he didn't deserve.
A hug he needed.
Katsuki turned around quickly and hugged her back tightly. And he would never admit it out loud to anyone else, and she wouldn't tell anyone if he didn't want her to, but Mitsuki felt hot tears hit her shoulder and spread across the cloth of her robe. The two sat in silence. The only sounds being the occasional sniff coming from the younger blonde. Mitsuki rubbed her son's back as he slowly calmed down.
When he came in, she could see bruising and scratches all over his hand. Hitting things was always Katsuki's way of letting out his extreme emotions. It seemed that no matter how hard he hit or destroyed things, it couldn't satisfy or distract him enough to relieve his pain. She took her son's hand and took him to the couch.
"What happened Katsuki?"
"...Midoriya."
"I know. You fought him. We already talked about this."
"Yeah but...It's what I did to make him snap. That's the problem."
Mitsuki pursed her lips and looked down at her lap. She knew he and Midoriya hadn't gotten along since they were very little. Their disconnect had grown so strong that Mitsuki and Inko had grown apart. And Inko was also very busy working a job and trying to take care of a quirkless child in this society. So Mitsuki understood the other mother's lack of time to really be with friends. But, she had barely heard anything about little Izuku until she saw him at the Sports Festival with a miraculous sudden quirk.
But, Izuku was always in Katsuki's class.
And now that lack of mention of Izuku from absolutely anyone was beginning to scare her.
"What did you do to him?" She didn't ask in an accusatory tone. She knew Katsuki didn't need that at the moment. She asked softly, ready for any answer.
"...I bullied him. A lot."
Mitsuki looked back up at him. "...How badly? Teasing?"
He nodded.
"Mocking?"
He nodded.
"...Beating?"
He nodded.
"...How long?"
"Do you remember the day I said I wasn't friends with him anymore?"
"Katsuki...That was 12 years ago."
A couple more tears went down his face. "I know."
"...Why?"
Katsuku shook his head, looked back up at her, and said through gritted teeth, "I don't fucking know." He leaned back into the couch and gripped at his hair. "I don't know what's fucking wrong with me. I liked it. I fucking liked hurting him. I turned everyone against him. I isolated him. He didn't have any friends and I kept it that way. I hurt him and hurt him and hurt him. Over and over and over again. Day in and day out, month after month, year after year. I made him fucking throw up his lunch and burned him for it when it got on my shoes. I berated him and called him nothing and trash and shit. I-...I-...I told him to fucking kill himself!" The tears that had subsided from earlier came back with a vengeance. He slouched over and put his head between his knees. "And the worst part...He fucking almost did it. He almost did it time and time again. I made him want to kill himself. I drained him of life. And it all made me feel good about myself. I thought I wasn't doing anything fucking wrong. I-...I-...I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"Katsuki-"
"I tried to fight him because I was angry at him. I complained to him about how I hated how everything at school was going. I was so fucking blind. He had to tell me. He had to shove it into my fucking face, just to get me to realize what I had done. And I can't apologize. I don't know how. I tried, and he threw it back into my fucking face. And I deserve it! I can't sleep. I can't fucking eat. It's torture!"
"Katsuki I-"
"It keeps playing on fucking loop in my head. I keep hearing my words to him. Take a swan dive off the roof of the building. And then I see his body smack against concrete like a hunk of damn meat. His body never bleeds, but my hands do! He even wrote a suicide note. And his last words to me, were 'Go fuck yourself'. How fucking fitting is that? I make him want to end it, and his last words to me are telling me to go fuck myself. The nicest kid in the fucking country, tells me that. I'm so fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know wha-"
"Katsuki!" She grabbed the back of his collar and yanked him to sit up straight. His tear filled eyes met his mother's tear filled eyes. Mitsuki was at just as much of a crossroads as her son. How does a parent react to that? How would anyone react to realizing their son tormented another child for years? Especially when they show up at your door having a mental breakdown due to the guilt consuming them. Katsuki's reveal was so sudden.
Katsuki was already destroying himself with guilt. If she further reprimanded him into the ground, she might've never seen him ever come back from where he was. And it seemed Izuku had already beat him up enough. She could only do what Katsuki really needed.
"I forgive you."
"...What?"
She cupped both sides of his face and looked him in the eye. "I fucking forgive you Brat."
"Wh-...Why? Why the fuck would you forgive me?"
"Because I can see how much this is tearing you apart. And I know I've failed as a mother in a lot of places, especially when trying to teach you right and wrong. I forgive you for not telling me. But I don't forgive you for your actions. I can't do that, and Izuku can't do that. We can't do that until you've forgiven yourself."
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
Mitsuki couldn't help but inwardly chuckle a bit at Katsuki's vulgar phrasing even in situations like that one. He had a worse mouth than she did. "It means you have to prove to yourself that you're willing to change and move on. You have to be willing to take that guilt and remorse, and turn it into something better. You have to fully comprehend and understand what you did. You have to forgive yourself first, or you'll never be able to move on. And if you can't move on, then Izuku can't either. You have to show him you give a shit. If you're so sorry, then fucking prove it to yourself first."
Katsuki shook his head, "I don't think I can."
"And that's okay. In time, you'll forgive yourself. Just don't fucking dawdle around. You want to be a hero, right?" The question was rhetorical, but Katsuki responded anyway.
"How can I call myself a hero after everything I did?"
"Maybe you couldn't call the old Katsuki a hero. But, the Katsuki that grows from this can be. As long as you can move past this, and find a way to make amends. And if Izuku wants nothing to do with you, then you need to accept that. You know what you did, you would understand. You have the brain and brawn to be a hero." She pressed a finger to his chest. "You just need the heart. Without it, you won't be going anywhere. You're Katsuki Fucking Bakugou. You don't wallow in anything. You take life by the fucking reins, bitch slap it, and tell it how things are going to go down. I'm now just realizing how my lessons to you probably didn't help you develop proper morals."
Katsuki let out a small chuckle. "No. You taught me to be confident and not to take things lying down. I took that way too far."
"Oh, so you're the self blaming type now?" She said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.
"Fuck off Old Hag."
"Fuck you Brat."
While both phrases were common to them and vulgar, but neither had any real malice behind them. At that point, those phrases were ironically affectionate in some weird twisted way. She wiped his eyes with her thumbs.
"I know you tend to be a loner with a lot of things. But you have to remember that people love you. Izuku sure cared a lot about you when you were kids. You can't take the people who care about you for granted, or you'll lose them all. But you won't lose me. Or your father, who you will be telling this all to tomorrow morning." Katsuki grumbled, but knew he wouldn't get out of it. She leaned in and kissed his forehead. "You're also going to your guidance counselor for therapy." He just grunted again. "I love you Katsuki."
"Grrgh."
"What was that?"
"I lergh ya t-..."
"I don't think I heard that."
"..."
"Say you fucking love me!"
"Alright! I love you! Happy!?"
"Extremely. Now go to bed. I'll call your school and tell them where you are."
"Their going to bitch at me when I get back."
Mitsuki stood up and laughed, "Not if I have anything to say about it. You really think Eraserhead can beat me in a screaming match. They'll not say a word if they know what's good for 'em. I'm a mother. They have no power over me." She walked towards the kitchen to the phone. Katsuki looked down at his lap again, contemplating everything.
"...Don't take the people who care about me for granted." He pulled out his phone, and pulled up Kirishima's number.
Bakugou: I'm alright. Or I will be. Sorry about earlier. Thank you Kirishima...Stupid Hair.
He couldn't forgive himself yet. But...maybe someday. Katsuki had a lot to say to Izuku.
But he had to say it to himself first.