Chapter 43 - Heartache

A knock on her classroom door disrupted her lecture on poison ingredients and she permitted them entry. It was a hospital orderly whom she vaguely recognised.

"My apologies, but we have an emergency and we need your help." He spoke with urgency and she immediately stepped out from behind her desk and walked towards the door.

"Everyone, follow along. Make sure you stay out of the way."

The orderly took her up to the operating room where there was already a number of staff inside preparing for an emergency procedure. She quickly changed into some scrubs, then washed her hands and got her gown and mask on before heading inside. The rest of her students would do the same and join her inside once they were ready. They filed in slowly as Hitori was briefed by the medic leading the operation who had waited inside the doorway to speak to her before she approached the patient.

Once she got close enough, she understood why. There was a man who looked to be around her age on the operating table and she lifted up the sheet covering him to see he was missing his left arm, shoulder joint and a chunk of his chest. From the wound, it appeared rather clean cut, but it did not appear to be something that could be caused by a sword. It had a particular pattern that was indicative of a Futon jutsu, something that could only be identified by nothing more than seeing them over and over again. A Futon technique causing this much damage was something she was glad wasn't common to see. It was certainly not pretty, and the likelihood of survival was fairly low.

"Prepare yourselves." She spoke loud enough for her students to hear before she stepped out of their line of vision.

There were mixed reactions, some of them gasped, some eyes went wide, and some didn't seem affected at all. Hitori was alerted that the patient was ready for surgery by the medic giving the anesthesia. She nodded and got to work. The bleeding had been stopped already, and she simply hoped she could save his life. Such an injury was rare to survive and she just tried to repair the veins and arteries so that he could be stabilised.

Her students stood in absolute silence as Hitori and the team worked to try and save him, but eventually his heart gave out. The shock and the blood loss turned out to be too much and he died exactly an hour and 24 minutes after they had started the surgery. The Kiri medic called the time of death, and Hitori nodded and stepped back from the table.

"What was his name?" she asked the medic who turned to her with understanding eyes.

"Kuruko." Her tone was somber and Hitori nodded in thanks.

"Thank you all for your assistance. You worked hard, and we did all we could." Hitori and the team bowed to each other, and they also bowed to Kuruko himself, which was a custom for shinobi. It was a way of thanking them for their service and showing respect to the dead.

Hitori and her students shuffled behind her silently as she exited the operating room and washed up, removing her bloody garments before she went out through the waiting room. A young woman stood up, and rushed over to her. Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy, as if she had been crying. Hitori's heart broke for her as she knew exactly what she was about to happen.

"Did you operate on Kuruko? Is he okay?" She asked with a fearful tone.

"I did, and I'm so very sorry. He didn't survive his injuries. There was nothing we could do." The woman broke down and fell to her knees as she sobbed, and her entire body tensed with the force of her emotion. Hitori kneeled down with her and placed an arm over her shoulder in support. "Please know that he wasn't in pain, and went peacefully. His sacrifice will not be in vein."

Gradually Hitori managed to move them both over to the seats and stayed with her for another few minutes until someone who appeared to be a friend appeared. Once the friend took over comforting, she stood up, and bowed low, staying for at least three seconds before she rose. Her students did the same.

The woman grabbed her hand and choked out a thank you before Hitori left her. She turned to her students and looked over their faces briefly before she silently turned and headed back toward the classroom. When they arrived back, they still hadn't said anything and took their seats once more.

Hitori sat on her desk, with her back to them and stared at the board for a moment before she took a breath and stood up. She slowly strolled toward the back of the room and figured out what she wanted to say. It was a perfect time for them to discuss how to deal with losing patients, but she was also going through the process in her own mind. Focusing would be hard for the rest of the day, so she decided that she would also let them go early, after they discussed what had happened.

"Losing patients isn't easy." Hitori's voice was soft and she spoke slowly. "Being at your best isn't easy when you're dealing with it. However, it's imperative that you do bounce back as quickly as possible. I'm not happy to admit it, but it does get easier."

No one responded, and she didn't even hear anyone move a muscle, so she kept talking.

"Who has worked on an A or S ranked mission before, or in ANBU?" she asked, and only a small number of hands raised in the room. "It's hard to not only lose your squad mates, but to also destroy their bodies before you leave."

As she continued speaking, she walked back to the front of the room and leaned against the desk as she usually did. The eyes looking at her were calm, and their expressions schooled.

"One of the most important things that you need to do, is to find someone you feel comfortable to talk to about it. Your hospital provides free counselling to all staff, and shinobi to treat symptoms of emotional, and mental trauma, as well as PTSD. Please make sure you use this service, even if you don't feel you need it. The staff that work there have full clearance to discuss unranked missions as well, so that's not an issue. Shinobi suicide rate has dropped over the last few years, and I'd like it drop even more. Thankfully you can also support each other through these times. Talk to your friends, check on them while they're on leave after completing missions. Look after each other."

She took a breath to steady herself, feeling the phantom sensation of her arm around the woman earlier as she cried, grieving for her loss. She huffed and let out the breath.

"I can still remember the first time I watched a patient die. They bled out in the field from a kunai injury that severed their jugular. Nothing I could have done. I even lost someone who I considered a friend in the field not too long ago. It was hard, but I took time off to heal and to grieve for the loss. Diving back into missions and to work doesn't help although that's what I tried to do. Distracting yourself doesn't make it go away. Hesitating in the field because you are worried about losing patients makes it more likely to happen. You need to be at 100%."

She stood up and began pacing across the room in front of her desk.

"Cry, get drunk, scream, punch something. I don't care how you deal with it. Just make sure you don't sweep it under the rug." She put her hand into a fist and hit the left side of her chest twice with enough force to make noise. "Feel it. Accept it. Learn from it. Show respect to the ones lost by allowing yourself to grieve. The ones we can save need us. Don't bottle it up…" she trailed off and remembered that she knew that she had struggled when Inari had died, and Itachi had helped her through it.

"Don't bottle it up…" she said again quietly and stared at the floor.

Turning back to her students, they stared at her, and she could see that her words had hit home. Some of the girls even appeared to be glassy-eyed and she figured that she had made her point. She also wanted to go home and deal with the death as well. Although she didn't know Kuruko, it was respectful for her to do so. It was the least she could do for a fellow shinobi and the woman who was now grieving for him.

Hitori cleared her throat. "Go home. Get some rest. Head to the hospital tomorrow and give them a hand. I'll be around doing the same thing." She had changed her tone completely and erased all emotion from it, and her face as well.

They bowed their heads to her as they did at the end of each session and left the classroom with minimal noise and fuss. Hitori took a minute before she did the same, and headed past what had become her favourite takeaway place in Kiri. They had a good variety of stir-frys, noodle dishes and they had a spicy noodle dish that she really enjoyed. They knew her well enough to know that was what she wanted as soon as she walked in the door, and the young woman who normally served her checked to see if she wanted her usual. Hitori smiled and nodded, and gave her the correct change with a polite thank you.

The place was family owned, and the man cooking was the young girl's father, and her mother was normally floating around somewhere too. She appeared from the storage room out the back and gave Hitori a wave, which she returned in kind. It was a good feeling for them to be so kind to her, especially since they didn't know what had happened barely an hour ago. Once they had made her order, they gave it to her in a bag and told her to have a good day. All three of them waved to her and she thanked them and left.

Quickly, she swung by to send her letters and figured she could check her mail as well. She rarely got anything since replies from the Hokage or Sakura came via the special scroll, and she didn't really write to anyone else. She handed her letters to the clerk and they also ducked out the back to check her box, and returned with an envelope in hand.

With a thank you, Hitori took the envelope and from the quick glance that she got, immediately recognised the handwriting on the front. Her heart thudded hard in her chest and her breath caught in her throat.

"Are you okay?" The clerk asked, and she snapped out of her trance to see he had a confused expression and wide eyes.

"Yes, of course. Just excited to get a reply." She gave him a smile and he nodded in understanding and smiled back.

As calmly as she could, she left and headed straight back home, power walking the entire way. Her shoes came off as she barged the apartment door open, not even realising that she had completely ignored the doorman's greeting on her way inside. She moved towards the lounge and sat down, putting the food down on the coffee table. Staring at the letter, she pulled a kunai from her hip holster and cut open the envelope with the utmost care, despite her haste. She pulled out the letter inside as if it would catch flame if she was too rough with it, and gently laid it down on the coffee table, flattening it carefully so she could read it.

Dear Hitori,

I am glad to hear that you arrived safely, and I hope that you are comfortable in your new lodgings. I'm sure the Mizukage is looking after you as well. Hopefully you haven't lost your temper and punched any of your students either. You'll also be pleased to know that I did throw out the ancient chair, mostly because I couldn't fit it in the room very well with everything else that you left. Thank you for that as well. It was very sweet of you to leave me so many things that have admittedly made my apartment more comfortable. The books have been very well looked after, and greatly appreciated. They await your return, as do I.

I definitely understand and share your feelings. Life has been boring without your jokes, random outbursts, and our conversations. I miss your company greatly, and I miss having someone that I feel comfortable with around to talk to, or to just enjoy silence with.

Actually, I do have a confession to make. I witnessed you visiting my mother before you left. I was at the flower shop only minutes after you had left, and wanted to give you time to pay your respects, but I couldn't help but be intrigued when I saw you heading towards the Uchiha's graves at the cemetery. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to visit her, and I know that she would adore you. When I saw her after, I told her how I felt about you, and I know that she would be so pleased to see me finding happiness.

Speaking of which, I should have told you how I feel in person before you left. I'm sorry that I didn't, and I'll make sure that I tell you every single day once you get back. Hitori, I love you. With everything that I am, I love you. I cannot describe how grateful I am to have your love; I never expected to find such a thing in my lifetime. You make me feel needed, and valuable, and you make me want to be a better man. Thank you for accepting me, and for loving me.

I miss you dearly, and please take care of yourself. Don't work too hard.

Itachi.

Hitori was shaking by the time she finished reading the letter, and put her head in her hands and let her tears fall as hard as they needed to. She had no idea how long she cried for, both out of joy for knowing that Itachi felt so strongly for her, and also out of sorrow that they were separated. Once her head began to pound too much for her to tolerate, she calmed herself down as quickly as she could, and sent chakra to her head to dull the pain. She drew a bath for herself, intent on sitting in it for as long as she could stand. Her cries became quiet sobs as she undressed and hopped in the bath before it was ready, just wanting to stay put for a while.

The bath almost overfilled as she spaced out, but she turned the taps off just in time, and her tears continued to fall as she sat there for at least an hour. By the time she got out, it had gotten dark outside, and she had to turn lights on in her apartment to see. She dressed into her pyjamas and sat down on the lounge, reading the letter over and over again, until she needed to get herself something stronger from her medical kit for her headache which was turning into a migraine. She was beginning to feel nauseous, as she always did with a migraine, and groaned in annoyance.

Once she had grabbed a decently strong painkiller, she also got a bottle of water, and prepared a sedative in case she needed to use it to get some rest. She took it all to her bedroom and hopped into bed, intending to try and get some rest. It didn't take long before she began to feel worse, and she ran out to the bathroom and vomited in the toilet. Grabbing the rubbish bin from the kitchen, she dragged in into the bedroom and placed it next to her bed, and hopped back in.

After a few minutes, she took the painkiller, hoping she wasn't going to throw it back up, and also injected herself with the sedative. It was only a mild one, and the dose was just enough to get her to fall asleep and get a decent rest.

Thankfully, she had already told her students to go work in the hospital tomorrow, so she could safely make an appearance whenever she wanted to and not have to worry about staying long. She could head in, show her face, check some charts and give some advice and treatment for an hour or two and then come back to her apartment. It would give her a chance to rest more and some more time to deal with the emotions and thoughts racing through her pounding head.

Emotionally exhausted, Hitori was glad when the sedative kicked in and she fell asleep, hoping to stay that way throughout the night…