I juggle my files and purse in one arm and my new painting in the other as I fumble the key in the lock. Finally, the dam bursts, and I let out the string of angry profanities that I've been suppressing. A heavy sigh expels from my lips, as at last, I manage to get the damned door open.
On the drive over, I've tried to convince myself that what transpired was a mix-up of sorts, that I have no reason to be this angry. I've tried counting backwards, I've tried breathing deeply, but I can't rid myself of my anger and frustration or my mind from reliving the scene over and over.
I spent the night on cloud nine and the morning in post-coital bliss, for God sakes, only to have it rudely snatched away by having to confront his past, and no other the woman I'd witnessed him being intimate with.
I snatch up the items I'd dropped to the floor and toss them haphazardly onto my desk, then place the painting carefully against the wall.
I'm so mad, I can barely think straight. I cannot believe he just stood there like it was acceptable for her to show up at his home unbidden. And each time I recall what she'd said to me, I seethe with anger, and if I'm honest, hurt and a bit of trepidation. What if what she suggested is true, that he'll tire of me?
And like an evil tormenter, my mind refuses to drop the torturous vision of them together and alone at his house; taunting me with thoughts of what she had to say to him, of what they might be doing.
I let out a loud, exasperated groan.
"I should've stayed. I mean, who leaves her man alone with his beautiful, ex 'fuck-buddy'? Rosalie would blow a fuse and drag me back to his house by my hair, if I told her."
I didn't ever think that I would feel this strongly about him, and I know that to have any type of future with him, I need to not focus on his past; but it's so hard. Strangely enough, it hadn't felt as difficult to trust when we first started seeing each other; but now as my feelings for him deepen, I find myself increasingly worrying about his past. Whether, he can indeed change. That he would want to for me.
Part of me feels that I overacted by storming off. But I keep thinking about the fact that she simply turned up at his home as if she was entitled to be there and him not being more assertive about her leaving. And the things she'd said to me, she was being deliberately rude and pointed in her remarks.
"I should've slapped her. I would've been justified."
As good as it feels to voice that, I know it would have been the wrong thing to do, and it's not something I would ever resort to. I've never, as much as I may have been tempted, resorted to violence, and I have never fallen into the role of the jealous girlfriend. My reaction to this morning's confrontation doesn't make me feel good, and I wish that I could rewind the clock and do things differently.
"This obsessing isn't going to change anything or get anything done," I huff and kick off my shoes. I retrieve some tools from the storage area and return to my office.
I stand on the sofa as I measure, mark a spot and then start hammering the fitting into the wall. I keep thinking about Edward and Victoria. Unwanted visions of their rendezvous in my supply closet, as clear as if it were yesterday, replay over and over.
I pound the nail forcefully. The rhythmic banging reminiscent of the sounds being made when I walked in on them, Victoria's cries, Edward's grunts… I feel as if I'm losing my mind.
I pound even harder, but my mind cannot be turned, what does she want from him, what are they doing now?
I wield the hammer with more force, and the wall crumbles.
"You son of a bitch, Edward Masen!" I cry. I lean my forehead against the wall and try to regulate my breathing. Unbidden tears run down my face as I give into my anger, hurt and frustration. I hate the way I'm feeling, riddled with doubt, second-guessing myself and yes, I feel almost violent jealousy.
I gather myself together and move to get the broom from the closet, and I'm stopped in my tracks.
Edward is standing in the doorway.
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I hear Bella's angry, anguished cry as I step off the elevator. I race to her door in a state of panic. She's standing on the sofa with her forehead pressed against the wall and visibly upset.
I swallow hard as I watch her turn her head and see her flushed, tear-streaked face.
My heart speeds up as my stomach simultaneously rises, I did that to her, I've made her cry. Bella is one of the strongest women I've met; it's one of the things that most attracted me to her. To know that I've caused her to break kills me.
She steps down off the sofa, and quickly assesses the damage to the wall. She turns and stops instantly when she sees me. She's so beautiful and in this moment looks so fragile. I watch her steel herself, her eyes harden and she tightens her lips as she gathers her anger around her like a mantle. I find myself wishing that she'd put that fucking hammer down.
"What happened?" I ask dumbly.
"What does it look like? I tried to hang a painting." She pushes past me into the lobby.
"Well, at least she's talking to me." I mutter and nervously run a hand through my hair as I wait for her return.
She remerges with a broom and dustpan and starts to vigorously sweep off the couch, not bothering to acknowledge me.
I glance around the room anxiously. I'm speechless, because I hadn't expected to see her so upset, I expected anger, yes, but seeing her breakdown has thrown me totally. I want to kick myself for thinking that a mere apology would suffice, or that I could make some grand gesture as I did after my last indiscretion. She deserves more than that, but I have no clue how to deal with her when she's this emotional. Normally, when I piss her off, she tears into me, but the hurt I'd witnessed and her silence is making me feel uneasy, at a loss.
"Bella, can we talk, please?"
She wordlessly carries on cleaning. I try a different approach.
"Bella, I want to talk to you about, Victoria."
The mention of Victoria's name is like a match to gasoline, she spins around and glares at me lividly.
"I cannot believe you have the audacity to just show up here like nothing has happened and then mention that woman's name! I swear to God, Edward, you don't want to have this conversation with me right now. So, I would go, if I were you."
"Well, you're not me, and I'm not going." I sit on the edge of her desk, folding my arms to enforce my statement.
Her scowl deepens, and I prepare myself for an earful.
She turns her back to me and places a hand to her forehead.
"I'm not joking, Edward." Her voice is low, defeated.
"Neither am I. Would you like to go first, or should I?"
"I don't want to hear about Victoria. I don't care. The fact of the matter is, that you made me look like an idiot!" She whirls around to face me, near shaking with near rage. "After the night we shared, I thought things were different. I thought we'd become something special to each other. I thought I could trust…."
"Wait, what are saying, Bella, that you can't trust me?"
"This! I don't think I can trust this, Edward! A woman you used to have sex with showed up at your door, basically demanding to see you. The same woman who just so happens to be my ex-receptionist. The very same woman I had to fire because the two of you chose to have sex in my utility closet. She has no regard for me at all. I mean, does she even know the nature of our relationship, or does she think that I'm just another woman you're bedding for sport? I can't even imagine what was so important that she would have to show up at eight in the morning."
"Victoria showed up to tell me that she's pregnant...she..."
Her face falls.
Fuck! I'm such an idiot! I rush to finish my sentence, but she cuts me off.
"Get out!" She hurls the object she's holding at my head. I duck and grab her by the shoulders before she can throw anything else.
"It's not mine, Bella! She's not pregnant by me."
"She shows up at your door to tell you she's pregnant, but it's not yours? Why would she do that, Edward? "She struggles against me.
"Victoria and I are friends, Bella. I know that sounds ridiculous in light of our past, but she just needed a shoulder to cry on."
"And it just had to be yours?" She spits.
"Listen to me. I know you're upset, and you have every reason to be, but I just wish you had stayed. I honestly had no idea that she was coming to my house. She's never done that before, and I would never have allowed it in any case, had I known she would try."
"Let go of me, Edward. It's still not a valid excuse. Do you have any idea how it made me feel to see her standing at your door, insisting on seeing you, and the things she said…God…I can't do this…" She tries to pull away, but I hold on.
"Running away is not the answer, Doctor Swan. Talk to me."
"I've said all I'm going to. Now take your hands off me."
"No, and if you're done talking then I have a lot to say."
"I'm not interested."
"Then too fucking bad! You're going to listen."
She's obviously shocked by my outburst, but I needed her to hear me out.
"I'm trying to tell you that I was wrong for not asking her to leave. I just didn't think. I mean, I thought she would say whatever she needed to and that would be it. I had no clue that she'd confronted you or what she said to you before I joined you downstairs. Bella…." I sigh heavily and touch her cheek. "There's nothing or no one that could make me jeopardize what I have with you."
"Are you so sure about that? Who's going to show up next, Edward…Lauren's matron of honor; some other conquest?"
"All this because Victoria showed up at my house without my prior knowledge or permission?"
"No! It's…it's because…." She grips her hair, and I see her bottom lip quiver before she turns away from me. "It's because of the way that I feel about you. I'm reacting in a way that is foreign to me. I've always been able to control such emotions and somehow, after being with you, I'm no longer in control of my feelings. I didn't ever think that I could be this person, the one who feels threatened by an ex-girlfriend or lover. Victoria proved that theory wrong today."
I'm pleasantly surprised by her admission, but it also makes me realize how vulnerable she's making herself by being with me. I wrap my arms around her, and she drops her head back against my shoulder in defeat. She lets out a long, slow breath.
"I feel stupid."
"Why, because you're afraid?"
"Afraid." She scoffs, and I hear a tiny sniffle. "What am I afraid of, Edward?"
"Love."
Her body turns rigid, and I hold her tighter, planting kisses on the side of her neck. "You're afraid to love me, Bella.",
She turns in my arms and stares at me for long moment.
"You're wrong," she finally whispers.
"Am I?"
She nods slowly and leans her forehead against the bridge of my nose.
"What did you wish for at the fountain last night, Bella?"
"I'm not telling you."
Whether she tells me or not, I know what the answer is. She moves her head to rest comfortably on my chest as we stand in the middle of her office, locked in an embrace.
I'm afraid too, sweetheart; you don't know how much.
"You don't have to tell me. I know that your wish is the same as mine."
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I've patched up the hole in Bella's wall and while we wait for it to dry, I order dinner. She's quieter than usual. I know that she still feels unsettled and is wary about having admitted her vulnerabilities earlier.
"So, what is she going to do…about the baby?" She asks hesitantly.
"Oh, I assume she's going through with having the baby. That was the other reason she came by to see me. She wanted the name of a good OB/GYN." I shrug.
"Thanks," she says and pushes her plate away.
"For what?"
"For confirming that my behavior was that of someone who is insecure. You were just helping someone in need, and I couldn't handle it because you have a past with her."
"Stop it. You're not insecure, and it was not just an innocent past. I've done plenty to justify your concern about us. But you don't have to worry about that, Bella, because my past is just that. You and I are now; present and future." I hold her eyes so she can know just how serious I am. She smiles faintly and averts her eyes.
"Do you think that I'm clingy?"
"You?" My eyebrows shoot up in amused surprise because she's anything but.
"She says that I shouldn't get attached to you, that a man like you doesn't like clinginess."
"We can test that. Come, cling to me." I waggle my eyebrows suggestively.
"I'm serious."
"So am I." I hold out my arms to her, and she shakes her head at me but smiles wanly. She crawls between my legs and into my arms.
"Feel good?"
She nods. "Very."
I reach over and pull the rod to close the curtains, and we lie snuggled quietly on the sofa. I comb my fingers through her silky hair, and she almost purrs like a kitten.
I hate to spoil the mood we're in, but she's a part of my life, and I don't want to keep her in the dark about anything.
"Lauren's arraignment is tomorrow morning. I'm going to be there."
"That's understandable. Do you want me to go?"
"No…I don't think it would be a good idea. She'll get riled by your presence."
"I'm not afraid of her, Edward. Besides, there are police in the courtroom. How much damage can she really do?"
"She can do plenty with her mouth. Look, I know you want to support me, but it would be better if I handled this alone, okay?"
"Alright." She sounds somewhat dejected, and that's not the outcome that I want.
Bella's presence in court with me will have Lauren take one look at us and spew vitriol. I don't want Bella to have to go through that in public. In fact, it would look bad on my part if I showed up with Bella; my divorce has not yet been finalized and the courtroom is not a social setting.
"Hey?" I tilt her chin so I can look at her. "I'm sorry about everything that happened earlier. Can you forgive me for hurting you?"
She answers by placing a soft kiss on my lips. As she pulls away, I gently thread my fingers through her hair and mold my lips to hers. When she finally manages to break the kiss, she's breathless and her pupils are dilated. She straddles me as she lifts her shirt over her head. I sit back and marvel at the beautiful creature before me. Her hands reach behind her and unhook her bra, slipping it from her shoulders. My hands explore her creamy skin, her abdomen, shoulders and breasts. I harden immediately as I enjoy the sensation. She moves sensuously, grinding her hips against mine, and I thrust my pelvis to meet her movements. The rubbing of the denim is slightly painful, but it's a pleasurable discomfort that I'm reluctant to end.
Just when I feel I can take no more, she slides back and opens my jeans, and with my help pulls them down to release my erection. She caresses my throbbing cock over and over, making me unbelievably harder. She pumps her hands and moisture oozes from the tip. She spreads the clear liquid around the head, and I groan when I notice her tongue sweep across her bottom lip. She engulfs me in her warm mouth and licks and sucks at a maddeningly slow pace that is simultaneously excruciating and euphoric. I'm mesmerized as I watch, and I gently brush her hair back away from her face, not wanting to miss even the smallest movement of her mouth, her face her eyes, that look up at me during her ministrations. It feels so fucking amazing, I feel like crying.
"God, Bella," I whisper and caress her face. She hums her approval, and the vibration hums around my cock, shooting through my entire body like electricity. She uses her tongue and her mouth sublimely. I've never felt anything like this. I'm so close; I reach behind me and grip the arm of the couch. "You're going to make me come."
She looks up at me; the emotion in her eyes makes my heart stutter. I'm so far gone, that at this point, I don't think that I can be a gentleman. My head lolls back reflexively, and I can no longer hold back. My eyes squeeze shut tightly red and white lights seem to explode behind my lids. I tremble uncontrollably through my climax as a long, deep growl emanates from my chest.
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At nine o'clock on Monday morning, Jasper, Alice and I arrive at the courthouse downtown. Lauren's arraignment is due to start in half an hour. I step aside while the District Attorney speaks with Jasper and Alice. From across the hall, I notice Lauren's parents glaring at me. I turn away; this is not the time for confrontation.
The DA approaches me and advised me on what to expect.
"It's normal procedure at an arraignment hearing for the defendant to plead not guilty. In fact, the State advises them to do so. Her lawyer will push for her to be let out on bail. He will argue that she was not the driver of the car, nor was she in the car at the time when your nephew was hit. He will state that she does not present a danger to the community, and that she does not present a flight risk. He'll request that reasonable bond to be set. In all honesty, there is no real chance of keeping her locked up until the trial hearings. We will, however, argue that due to her financial standing, bond should be set high enough to be a real deterrent against flight. I have to be honest and tell you that she will, in all probability, be out on bail as soon as her parents pay the bond."
"Thank you. I appreciate your straight forwardness." I shake his hand and join Alice and Jasper as we take a seat and wait for the judge to arrive.
Lauren is led into court by an officer, and she takes her place next to her lawyer. She meets my eye just before sitting down. I don't acknowledge her in any way.
"Please remain seated and come to order. This court is now in session. The Honorable Judge William Thorndike is presiding. Case number 014, the people versus Lauren Allison Masen."
The judge asks whether Lauren is present in court. Both Lauren and her lawyer stand and face the judge. She's asked to state her full name, which she does. And the judge proceeds to read the charges against her.
"You are charged with being an accessory after the fact in a felony hit and run under RCW 46.52.020, in which Joshua Luke Whitlock was seriously injured. An accessory after the fact is any individual who knowingly shelters and aids a criminal or aids them in concealing the crime after it has been committed. Even though an accessory did not actively participate in carrying out the crime, an accessory can still be held as liable for the criminal act as the perpetrator. In the state of Illinois, if found guilty of such a crime, you may be sentenced to a maximum of two years imprisonment, the loss of your driver's license for a determined period and a substantial fine. Do you understand the charges made against you?"
Lauren responds by acknowledging her understanding of the charges. She is asked how she pleads, and as expected, she enters a plea of not guilty. She turns to look at me, and again, I don't acknowledge her in anyway.
As we'd been advised to expect, her lawyer asks for bail to be set and outlines the reasons for her freedom until trial hearings to be granted. The judge then turns to the district attorney and asks him if he has any objection.
"Your honor, we have no objection to Mrs. Masen being let out on bail, but we do want to place on record our request for an effectively high bond to be set. Both Mrs. Masen and her parents have substantial wealth, and unless bail is set at a level which poses a real deterrent, it is our opinion that Mrs. Masen could indeed pose a flight risk."
The judge ponders for a moment, looks at Lauren closely, and then he delivers his judgment.
"Bail will be set at one million dollars. In this time Mrs. Masen, there will be a mandatory protection order implemented. Any violation of the protection order will result in new criminal charges and or a charge of contempt of court. It is the order of the court that you do not harass, molest, intimidate, retaliate against or tamper with any witness to, or victim of the acts you are charged with committing. You shall refrain from contacting or communicating with any of the victims, directly or indirectly. And it's the further order of the court that you not to commit any new offenses. Failing to do so will result in bail rejection and your immediate return into police custody until the trial hearing. Do you understand the terms of your bail, Mrs. Masen?"
"Yes, your Honor."
"Bail can be paid at the conclusion of court. A trial date is set for six weeks from today, October 18, 2012. Will there be anything further from Counsels?"
"No, your Honor." Both Counsels respond almost simultaneously.
"Court is adjourned."
I hug Alice as we exit the courtroom, promising her that everything will be okay. Lauren will be held accountable; it's just a matter of time. I watch her leave with Jasper; I intend to follow directly after I've made a quick call to Bella. I promised her I would call as soon as I know anything. Lauren's parents accost me before I can dial.
"I hope you're happy. You've finally managed to ruin my daughter's life!" Her mother cries.
"Mrs. Mallory, Lauren is a grown woman and makes her own decisions. She..."
"Don't you dare address my wife or malign our daughter, you pompous ass. It's your fault she's in this mess," her father cuts me off and consoles his sobbing wife.
"I'm not going to argue with you about this. The court will decide Lauren's penalty for what she did to me and my nephew."
"Our daughter was not the one driving the car!" Her mother all but shouts.
"It doesn't make her any less guilty! She was an accomplice. She might as well have gotten behind that wheel and smashed into me and Josh herself," I snap.
"You're cruel! Lauren would never do such a thing!" She gasps in shock. "She loves Josh. No, her mistake was falling in love with you. Now look at her."
"You're one hundred percent correct, Mrs. Mallory. Lauren's mistake was in loving me. It was also her mistake to force herself on me in the name of love."
"What the hell are you talking about, forced herself on you?" Her father advances on me.
"Ask your daughter what I'm talking about, Mr. Mallory."
"I'm asking you, Edward. What are you accusing my daughter of?"
"Daddy, don't," Lauren shakes her head at him in warning as she's being led out of the courtroom.
"Sweetheart, what's he talking about?"
"I'll let the three of you discuss things."
I walk away without a backward glance.