Robert closed the door to the kitchen and stopped by the sideboard to pour himself a glass of brandy. He needed it. He needed it badly.
What was he doing here? He asked himself that over and over as he took a long bracing swallow of the amber liquid and poured more right after. Sean and Tiffany had insisted on hosting this get together at the penthouse now that he and Anna were back from their respective "trips." Kate had been enthusiastic in her acceptance of the invitation to Robert's eternal consternation.
He almost hadn't come, choosing instead to be a coward but...he needed to see her.
And it had been two days.
Sean and Tiffany were eager to hear about his time away but unknown to them; the questioning was getting too intense in the living room. Robert knew his talking points; he had worked his story out one the flight home. God knows he needed something to occupy his mind besides the last feel of her lips on his. He talked of research on arrest patterns, shift rotations, and law enforcement scheduling patterns trying to keep the conversation data-heavy as to induce slumber rather than raise more questions. Still, once Kate joined in on the interrogation, the room felt far too crowded. So he fled with the excuse of getting a drink.
Alright... there may have been another reason for his growing sense of claustrophobia.
Robert was worried, worried that things would become awkward between them; That he and Anna would lose their equilibrium.
It was Vienna, or rather the memory of it that lingered on, impossible to forget. He wasn't sure he wanted to-it was rather hard to keep it from his mind. He didn't know whether to suppress the memories or entertain them as if stopping or reining his thoughts was admitting that it had meant something to him; that his feelings for her were well beyond a friend, partner, and comrade at arms.
She stepped back into the game, the banter like he had thrown her a lifeline. But he was tempted to push perhaps a step too far. He was succumbing to a reckless urge to test the boundaries that they had so carefully redrawn. It was hard not to tease or flirt more than his usual amount.
He realized he was curious. Part of him wanted to know if she felt even the smallest portion of what he was feeling of being near her again. Had Stille Nacht been more than physical need, the comfort of being close in the face of danger until it had spun out of control. But she stood there, unreadable as a sphinx. He was afraid of harming what they had by pushing too hard into her psyche, even if he wanted to know the truth.
It was maddening.
Sequestering himself in the kitchen was a way to clear his head for a moment. Being alone afforded him absolute clarity through which to organize his thought and relax. Stillness like the eye of the storm was necessary so he could prepare himself. Prepare to see her.
Robert could hear the unintelligible sounds of Tiffany in the other room. It was the excited speed of her words rather than their meaning that let him know she was in high spirits. Suddenly the kitchen door swung open, disrupting his tranquility like a gunshot, and Robin was squeezing him so hard he thought his ribs would crack.
"Daddy!"
"Hello, sweetheart." he gasped.
"I'm so glad you are back! I missed you so much! Why didn't you come and see me as soon as you were back?"
"Well, I wanted to give your mother some time with you first. I figured she wouldn't want to share you with anyone the first day."
"Well, ok. That makes sense. And I bet Katherine missed you and didn't want to share you either."
"Oh, I never mind sharing him with his family." Kate smiled her bright smile and kissed him on the cheek, and for a brief moment, Robert felt something he usually was able to keep in check, shame.
Then Anna walked into the room. She was dressed simply in a turtleneck and slacks; her hair was braided and coiled at the back of her head to his disappointment, although she was as beautiful as ever.
"Hi." was all he could think to say.
"Hello, Robert." She was putting on that reassuring smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. Something was wrong. Suddenly, they couldn't bring themselves to look at each other.
"Is everything-"
"I'm fine. Glad to be home and everything back to normal.`` She cut him off, and he didn't believe her for a moment.
Nothing was ever normal.
"Well, you two probably have a lot you want to catch up on since you haven't seen each other for over a week. Robin, why don't we go tell Tiffany about our last shopping trip. And don't worry, take your time." Kate was oblivious to the tension that pressed all around them, and before either could protest, Kate took Robin's hand and led her out of the kitchen. Robert and Anna stood watching the door swing on its hinges until it closed, and they were alone. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
"Ah…how are you?" Anna began but then spied the open bottle of brandy on the sideboard, and almost out of habit, walked over to inspect it. She smiled to herself as she looked at the label. Robert put a smile on his face and gestured towards her.
"Care for a glass?" he ventured carefully.
She didn't look at him, just carried on staring at the bottle as if she wasn't sure herself. "Thank you," she managed abruptly, realizing she had been silent for too long. She even tried to put on a half-smile without looking at him. "I think I will."
Swallowing tightly, Robert reached for a spare glass and stepped over to her. He reached to lift the bottle from her hands. Their fingers brushed briefly, and a current arced between them. Anna pulled her hand away, hastily, and Robert murmured his apologies as he poured the liquid into the glass. His gaze never really left her, trying to fathom what was going on between them, why it felt so awkward. Anna backed away with a sigh, cutting him off from asking any questions. She was antsy, incapable of being still; her lips kept parting as if there was something she wanted to get off her chest but didn't know where to begin.
"It's good to see you." he hazarded with a feigned level of indifference, handing her the full glass.
She took it, meeting his eyes and then looking away almost instantly. "Is it?" she asked, tentatively taking a sip as she drifted away from him to a safe distance.
"Yes. It is." He leaned against the counter and swirled the ice in his glass.
"How was your trip home? Did you complete your...errand in Zurich?"
"Yes," she said distantly as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. " I accomplished what I promised. What Fyodor does with his second chance I have no control over, but I hope he can turn his life around. Everyone should have an opportunity for redemption."
"You know that better than anyone. Has redemption changed your outlook?"
"Huh?" she let out a derisive half-laugh; it was a heavy sound. Her expression became more animated as if his question was raising a sharp retort. "I guess no one knows more about paying for the sins of the past than me, right?" She looked over at him and realized his question had come from a place of complete sincerity and if she was giving her space to provide some answer or explanation. "I…" she stumbled, feeling like words were inadequate, "I suppose it has," she replied coolly, Robert detected a hint of vulnerability that she couldn't wholly hide even with another swig from her glass. She was getting through her drink rather quickly.
"Anna..." he sighed after a time. He left such a pause that she looked at him eventually. There was conflict in her eyes that frustrated him to no end. It disrupted the certainty that he had talked himself into once he walked off the plane and was back to Port Charles.
"Come on, Anna. Life and death stuff is behind us." He reasoned sensibly. "Tell me what you are feeling."
She couldn't.
She shook her head ever so slightly, focusing somewhere between her glass and him but a million miles away in her own thoughts. Her brow furrowed as if she was trying to make sense of something but couldn't. Her lip parted, but she was unable to get the words out. She shook her head and shrugged in resignation. Then she looked at him and pulled courage from somewhere deep inside to speak. "It's just…", she took a deep breath and released it, "Today is a day I knew would be difficult." Her face crumpled for a brief moment at the truth of what she was thinking, but she held it together as she was capable of doing. "There are a lot of things I wish I could...we could…"
She didn't need to say anything further. Robert knew exactly what she meant; what was so hard to say. It wasn't just the mission that she had come from, which by all accounts had been rough. It was everything. Everything that they- she- had lived through and endured. He walked over and took her empty glass from her hands. He stood close and looked into those open eyes; the sharp pain in them made his chest ache. Her hurt expression dissolved somewhat, replaced by curiosity and a spark that made him second guess himself for a moment. He wanted to put her glass down beside his own and embrace her- however platonic or paltry his comfort might be..but...was that what she wanted? Or was that what he needed?
Instead, he picked up the bottle again and filled her glass, watching her as the liquid poured down. He handed it back to her, and she was slow to wrap her fingers around it, observing him that it made his stomach twist in knots. It was as if she knew what he wanted to do, and she was searching for a reason why he hadn't. Then she stepped back, and her eyes moved around the room as if she suddenly remembered where she was.
Then Robert saw a glint of determination in her eyes. Her arms went around his waist, holding him to her. Her cheek nestled against his shoulder. As if he could pull away. Robert was too surprised even to embrace her back, rigid with worry that she would retract the move and play it off as a meaningless whim. Memories of Vienna cascaded over him; joy, fear, lust, love. Was it a dream? The wave of euphoria was immobilizing. Then his brain kicked in, like a light switch or a shot of adrenaline. His arms held her tight. He closed his eyes and savored the moment- the smell of her a mixture of soap and a dash of perfume and a faint smell of gunpowder; she must have visited the gun range recently. She filled his senses. They pulled back from each other breathily; everything was blurred, their vision foggy. But the feel of her made his head spin, and he automatically grabbed her arm to keep her near.
She pulled her arm away and turned away. Her arms crossed around herself, and she drew inward. Oh God, what if this was all wrong, he thought to himself, self-doubt creeping in behind the rush. She wasn't saying anything or doing anything. Had he had crossed their line? It was wrong of him to take advantage of her nearness like that.
"I'm...s-sorry Anna." he managed feebly, but she still kept her face from him. The moment was interrupted, the kitchen door flinging wide open. It made them both jump as suddenly they were reminded that they weren't the only two people in the house or the universe.
"Mom! I forgot to tell you about the money I need for the field trip next week…" Robin stopped short and looked at the faces of her parents. "Are you two fighting already?" she asked suspiciously
Anna placed a tight smile on her face. "No, darling. What would make you think that?"
"Are you working on a case together?" Robin questioned.
"Are you usually this nosey?" Anna retorted.
"I'm your daughter, aren't I? I think it's in my genes." Robin crossed her arms and shook her head in a chastising way. "Now finish your conversation and stop being bad guests. It's amazing I've been raised to have any manners at all with you two as examples."
Her air of impatience was all her father, and she gave them each a pointed look that Anna recognized as her own. With that, she walked quickly out of the kitchen and back into the living room. Anna watched as the door swung shut behind her daughter but spun around in surprise when she heard laughter erupt behind her. She looked at Robert as he laughed a deep-throated laugh, hearty and long.
"She's right, you know. What a wretched, sad, sorry pair we are." He said, eyes closed and chest shaking as another bubble of laughter escaped and then another. Somehow the sound unwound all the tension she held in her face and body. He was practically wheezing, and Anna felt the corners of her mouth turn up, and suddenly, she was laughing along with him. The feeling of relief and release was overwhelming.
They found their laugh. Just like they always did.
No matter how fraught their circumstances were or how painful the past was, they were always able to find each other in the present through laughter. It was a thread that bound them together, just as firmly as the darkness ever did. Anna's laugh did something to him that he couldn't explain. Listening to the peal of her laughter was like listening to music. It filled him, and he could watch her laugh all day. He knew all her laughs like he knew her moods, and this one she always saved for him. There was a gentle crinkle in the corners of her eyes when she laughed the way he loved. They soon were both breathless and gasping for air, not even sure what they were laughing about anymore. And it didn't matter anyway. Robert was wiping the tears from his eyes, and Anna's fingers touched her cheeks, where it hurt from smiling too long.
"Are we all right, luv? Tell me we are alright." he looked at Anna, her eyes wide. She smiled at him and chuffed once more before taking a breath. She reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. The sun would rise, the sun would set and he and Anna would always laugh together it was a constant.
She smiled widely at him "We always are, Robert. Somehow we always are."
Sean Donnely could hear the sound of laughter from the direction of his kitchen, and the sound brought a smile to his face. For being a man who utilized charm and charisma as a weapon, nothing brought genuine good humor like the sound of his dearest friends enjoying themselves. He watched them carefully as they emerged together. Anna's hand was tucked into the crook of Robert's arm, and whatever joke was shared between them brought on a new wave of laughter, and they both were almost doubled over in merriment.
They always brought a smile to his face. His best friends. Anyone else who could have held that title was long dead or presumed so. That's why it hurt when the truth he worked so hard to keep secret was called to the surface from the darkest parts of his soul. He had tried to deceive himself just as they did. That they were not meant to be together, it wouldn't have lasted. But the truth was that his motivations were purely selfish. And they paid for it. They paid for his lies with their health, their integrity, and their hearts.
One of Sean's most useful talents was understanding human nature. He always could quickly determine the defining characteristic of another person's personality. This is often useful in ferreting out weaknesses or gaining forewarning of an enemy's strengths. This is what made him so valuable to intelligence work; how he became a prominent figure in many circles, including rising in the ranks of the WSB, becoming a covert agent, and eventually assuming the role of Director of Operations. But it was more than an organization to him. It was a great game, and he was the master strategist.
The point is to win. You must always win. And the best way to win is to have the best players.
However, it all went wrong. So wrong.
The downfall began when the game started losing its thrill. The opponents were too easily defeated, and their strategy weak. He wanted to see the WSB expand and gain more influence over the globe. He prided himself on looking to the future. The plans he set in motion would make the WSB stronger over the next twenty, even thirty years, but as the organization moved forward, it was up to him to ensure that the DVX improved less rapidly. The strength of the WSB was vital, and the only way to build strength was to collect as many high-quality assets as he could and build their loyalty. This is why he always handpicked his operatives and trusted their training to no one else. This personal attention built loyalty in his team, and Sean valued loyalty above all other traits.
And Anna Devane was his shining star. Initially, her bold and fearless attitude drew him to her, and he cultivated a relationship and mentored her as an agent. And Robert Scorpio? He was more like a brother than a subordinate. Concerned because she was taking more missions, frequently of high risk, Sean knew Anna was always in danger of being careless. He hoped an experienced agent could keep control of her before she did something too rash. He thought they would balance each other, possessing strengths that the others lacked. And they did, but he had miscalculated. He hadn't counted on love.
Then entered Cesar Faison, and all of their lives were shattered.
Sean remembered the day he learned that Anna and Robert had married. He was livid though he made sure to remain calm. The only reason he had found out was after being contacted by Faison with an offer to solve a problem that needed solving to their mutual benefit.
The rage he had felt. How dare they try to keep this hidden! How arrogant of them to think he didn't know everything that his teams did every hour of the day. Loyalty to the cause MUST come before individuals when agents start to consider personal bonds over the mission, that's how they end up in body bags. But soon, he realized that what stung the most was his pride; they had almost passed right under his nose.
Once he had checked his emotions, he realized It was his fault. He pushed her too hard and too fast, and he was the one that made her vulnerable to the DVX. He should have killed Faison rather than sell out his friends. But the man he was then is not the man he was now, and Cesar Faison was too important for a simple assassination. His death would result in reprisals. The collateral damage must be contained. It's been decided what he must be dealt with is more subtle ways. Faison's value was in information.
He couldn't imagine what he would do if some cold hard-hearted bastard tried to take Tiffany from him because she was bad for business. Sean startled suddenly when he felt someone tapping on his shoulder.
"Are you hungry, Uncle Sean?" Robin asked.
"Hmmm? What did you say, honey?"
Robin laughed. "I asked if you were hungry" She held a tray out to him, and he took an appetizer from the plate before she moved over to her parents. Sean took in the sight of the three of them smiling and laughing. What would they do if they knew what he had done? That he had broken this family apart before it had even started? He would rather face a firing squad than let them know.
If all went according to plan, they would never know. They would never know that he had destroyed their love, that he had let them live with the guilt of killing a man who was actually alive and well, that he had deprived them of years together. But it didn't change the fact that he knew. The shame was growing like cancer in his soul. He would have to work harder to keep his feelings buried. Like Macbeth, he was haunted by the past and could find no relief, and it only grew more and more painful each passing year. It was the punishment he deserved.
He looked at Anna and Robert once more. He could detect a secret between them but he couldn't determine the source. All he knew for certain is that they needed each other.
Always.
The End
*Authors Note I started this story more than a year ago. I knew from chapter 2 how I wanted it to finish, Casablanca ending and all. I am ending this story as I envisioned it all those months ago, the idea being that it could slip into the canon of Robert and Anna's story before Faison entered the scene. However, with the encouragement of the readers, I have envisioned the next stage of this story. I am still choosing to end Alive here but in the next week or two will post the sequel to this story which I have started writing, called Always. I am very excited to move this story forward. Thank you to everyone that has given me comments and encouragement, without you I would probably have given up long ago, instead, I will be forging ahead and hope you will continue onward with me.
XOXOXO Jenn