Chapter 58.
"Now that there are only the three of us, we should go into the parlour." said Sarah.
"Maybe I should wash the dishes." said Dean, "As you and Jack spent all that time preparing the meal, which was delicious."
"Leave that for the morning." said Sarah, "If the dishes are still there, I can do them then."
"If?" said Jack. They followed her into the parlour and everyone sat down.
"Castiel likes to do chores in the early hours." she said, "He says it can be a form of meditation. I only do them if he chooses not to. It must be hard for him. Angels never get to switch off, do they?"
"Switch off what?" said Jack.
"She means sleep." said Dean, "They don't forget, either. It's why I worry about him spending too much time on our problems. He takes in all our toxic crap and he has no way to get rid of it. You only realise when he says something that he's still carrying guilt from a decade ago. Hell, anything that wasn't wiped by Naomi from thousands of years ago is still in there somewhere."
"And angels were intended to be unquestioning drones." said Sarah, "Dealing with guilt and shame and errors of judgement was never part of the programming. Naomi may have thought blanking it out was a kindness. Not that I am any great supporter of Naomi. Forcing him to act out killing you until he could do it without flinching was just evil."
"Wow." said Dean.
"Where is Naomi now?" said Jack.
"Easy, tiger." said Dean, "Let's not start more fights. We have enough battles already."
"But she ... "
"She's an angel." said Dean, "Which means she's a dick. Sorry, Sarah."
"I've heard a lot worse." said Sarah, "Heck, I've said worse."
"She's like Cas," said Dean, "She's programmed to follow orders. She can't be held responsible for that."
"He rebelled." said Jack, with a note of anger in his voice that worried Dean. He was beginning to understand that Jack wasn't just after Michael. He was compiling a list.
"Jack, it's not your battle anyway, so leave it to Cas to decide what to do about Naomi." said Dean.
"Don't you care that she did that to him?" said Jack.
"I care that he went through that. I care that he was hurt by it. Nothing else matters." said Dean.
"I'm sorry I mentioned it." said Sarah, "I assumed you both knew about it."
"Some things, Cas never mentions." said Dean, "It really doesn't matter. Naomi and I never had any illusions about our relationship. She loathes me and I loathe her and we tolerate one another because we have to."
"I don't have to." said Jack.
"Yes, you do. If Naomi isn't around, we don't know what might happen. Heaven is on a knife's edge as it is. We owe it to Cas to help him fix Heaven and we will do whatever it takes to do that, including palling up with that cold bitch." He saw the look on Jack's face and said, "I don't like it either, kid, but Cas comes first, no matter what."
"Dean is right." said Sarah, "The fate of Heaven matters a lot more than personal vengeance."
Dean smiled. "Doesn't mean we can't get some personal vengeance once Heaven is safe." he said, "Just play the long game, Jack."
"You could be a bad influence on the boy." said Sarah.
"I was a bad influence on Sam for decades and he turned out alright." said Dean, "Jack's okay. He inherited an infallible conscience from his mother. Even I can't corrupt him."
She smiled. "I was joking about the bad influence thing. I can't imagine many men more able to guide him on the right path."
"That's the part that sounds like a joke to me." said Dean, "I've only ever found the right path by trying all the wrong ones first."
Sarah sighed. "You're so hard on yourself, Dean. Nobody else judges you so harshly."
"They're all dazzled by my charm." he said.
"Well, then I must be a victim of it too, because I see only a very good man."
"I almost want to let you go on seeing that." said Dean, "But it feels wrong to lie to someone who gave me such good food. I've done evil things. I've done things nobody could ever forgive."
"Castiel says that's not true." said Jack.
"Castiel doesn't see the real me." said Dean, "He never has."
"If Sam, Castiel and Jack all see the same you, isn't it possible that it's you whose vision is clouded." said Sarah.
"A demon named Alistair said I showed promise." said Dean, "Oh, and almost all angels hate me and consider me a corrupting influence. That must mean something."
"I think it mostly means that angels are dicks." said Sarah.
"Everyone who matters says Dean is good." said Jack, "Castiel ... "
"My best friend, whose judgement is, to say the least, a little off." said Dean.
"Mary ... "
"My mother, who knew me best when I was four years old."
"Sam ... "
"My brother, who has been alternately looking up to me and trying to run away from me all his life."
"How about Rowena?" said Jack.
"Yeah, the wickedest witch of them all is prepared to give me a character reference." said Dean, "I think that tells you all you need to know."
"It tells me," said Sarah, "That a surprisingly broad constituency of experts considers you a much better person than you do. Again, I find myself asking whether all of them can be mistaken or whether, as is usually the case, someone who has been through Hell, in your case, literally, has convinced himself he was there because he deserved to be."
"Well, if Jack weren't here, I'd tell you what happened in Hell and then you'd stop believing any of them."
"Tell me something else." said Sarah, "Tell me what you want. What's your ultimate happy ending?"
"Sam growing old with his family around him. That would be worth everything. And Jack and Cas, free of Heaven's demands or making a few demands of Heaven and being happy forever. Mom and Jody and Donna and Jody's girls all being safe and having the life they deserve. Chances are it ends bloody, for all of us, but that's what I want."
"You never even mentioned yourself." she said.
"In the grand scheme of things, I don't matter." he said, "I've already had more than I deserved."