Chapter 72.
Dean went to his mother. "Hey, Winchester, you said you'd dance with me. Quit flirting with these other guys and keep your promise."
"Yeah, you're gonna watch your tongue, or I start telling stories of little toddler Dean." she said.
"Okay, Mom, would you care to dance with me?"
"Better." she said, "But shouldn't you dance with Sarah?"
"I should and I probably will, but she understands that I can't yet." he said, "I'm okay dancing with you."
She put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm guessing you don't need somebody else offering advice, but if I can help, I want to." She let go of his shoulder.
"I know and you can, but for now, by dancing with me, so Cas thinks I'm okay and Sarah knows I'm trying."
"I've been reading Lazarus Rising unsupervised. Quite a story." she said.
"Don't say it like that. It was never about supervising you. We just wanted to protect you."
Paul and Mark walked to the top of the dance floor with their fiddles. Paul shouted, "For our new friend Sarah and our favourite angel, Castiel, we think we can provide some better music!" They started playing.
Dean grinned at his mother, "They're good!"
"Yes, they are." she said, "Let's not waste the music."
They joined the dance. Dean tried not to look at Cas or Sarah, but found himself glancing at both. Cas saw him dancing and nodded his approval. Sarah smiled at him.
His mother said, "Cas worries about you a lot, doesn't he? I get why, reading that book. He feels responsible for you, almost the same way I do."
"It's weird how he still obeys the commands of Heaven, even after rebelling several times. He still sees himself as our protector."
"And you think that's because Heaven told him to?"
"Partly." he said, "Oh, I know he's our friend for real, but he's also following a lot of rules from a long way back. He still thinks he has to watch over us, even when he's the one who needs to be looked after."
"Maybe he doesn't need it as much as you think." she said.
"Don't let the angel thing fool you. He'll say he's invulnerable, but when it comes to the emotional stuff, he breaks like a dead branch. This thing with Jules is so much beyond his comfort zone."
"He has a comfort zone?" she said.
Dean smiled. "Barely."
"Well, I may not be an expert on angels, but I know people and Jules is people and Castiel is more people than he thinks he is. Maybe I can help. You tell him, he can talk to me anytime."
"Thanks." said Dean, aware that Cas might not be able to talk to her. He still found it difficult, having some weird idea that saying the wrong thing to her could alter his relationship with her sons.
"You think it's your job, don't you?" she said, "Like everything else. You need to learn to delegate."
"I'm not even the leader here." he said.
"I'm worried, Dean. You seem to think everyone is your responsibility."
"Not everyone. You and Cas and Sam and Jack."
"And all the others."
"No, they're Sam's problem." he said.
"And any time you find out one has a problem, you try to fix it so Sam doesn't need to."
"Did Sarah tell you to say all this?" he said.
"So Sarah's noticed that too?"
"Sarah notices everything." He missed a few steps. His mind was not on the dance. He drew her off to the side. "Sorry. Too much Winchester, not enough Campbell. I'm gonna ... " he gestured to the outdoor area, where most of the food was.
"I'll come with you." she said.
He was about to ask her not to, but he knew going off alone would attract the attention of at least one of the others. "Okay." he said.
Outside, she said, "That wasn't about a mistake in the dance, was it?"
"Sarah wants me to stay at her place. Sam does too. It'll be like at the cabin."
"What happened at the cabin?" she said.
"Nothing good. I fell apart and Cas saw me fall apart and that's why he's been treating me like I'm made of glass ever since."
"Sarah told me some of her background. Dean, she has written papers on PTSD and related issues."
"I don't have PTSD. I have memories of Hell. She write a paper on that?"
"Maybe that's her next one." she said.
"Maybe I don't want to be her research subject."
"That's not how she sees you. That woman loves you. She wants to help."
"Yeah, well I don't know if I can be helped. I don't know if I wanna be. I do know there's a confused angel in there who has his first real chance at a non-fatal relationship and he's scared and lost and maybe he needs me more than I need to go poking at the Hell hole to see what crawls out this time."
"Did Heaven give you orders too, or is being his Mom better than facing the stuff your whole life is a distraction from?" Her expression softened. "Sorry. That was unfair. You're right. He does need you. We all do. You're the head of this family and we all rely on you so much. I can see how bad things are. The fact that you're now telling us the truth proves you know how bad things are. Let Sarah help you."
"Even if it means tearing me apart in the hope there's enough of old me left to heal?"
She started piling a plate with food for him. "You'll eat this for me, won't you?"
"Of course I will." he said.
"Dean, Sarah knows what you can take."
"Does she? I don't."
"She told me she has to be gentle with you and Sam. I don't think she'll be tearing you apart."
"If she doesn't, the mess in my head will." he said.
"Sweetheart, it's doing that all the time. You need to do something about it. Just take a few days to try whatever she suggests and then you can come back and help everyone else again."
"I'll talk to Cas tomorrow, but if he needs me, I'm staying. And don't tell him to say he doesn't, because I'll know if he's lying. He can't lie."