Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I do not own any of the character, places, names, or anything associated with the works of J.R.R Tolkien or the Lord of the Rings (books or movie, whatever). My characters are Anita, Leila, and Arlandria and that is all.

Where Do I Begin?- Sick Puppies

Chapter 72: Where do I begin?

Time became less concrete.

Minutes, hours, and days mattered less and less by Anita's standards. Instead she had begun marking the passage of time by events.

Anita's sling was removed from her arm.

Frodo woke up from his coma.

Funerals for the soldiers were carried out.

Emissaries from other lands began to arrive to support rebuilding efforts.

Aragorn's coronation which would take place tomorrow.

This was how she was keeping track of her time now, the events as they occurred around her. Of course, this system has only become necessary now that the elleth wasn't sleeping. During her most recent examination, the same one that had determined her arms and ribs healed enough to have the binding removed, her father had declared her healing well enough that the pain reducing medicine she had been relying on was no longer needed. Anita's father wasn't wrong, the physical pain itself had been manageable for some time now, however it was this same medication that had lulled her into a deep and dreamless sleep every night. That was when the nightmares returned, in their full surround-sound technicolor 3-d glory. She had argued with her father about it, feigned being in pain, and had been near begging trying to change his mind, her odd behavior caught her father's scrutiny and he began to ask after her need for the medicine...that was when she had backed off, afraid to admit that she was seeking it for something other than physical pain.

Ani would have gone to the city Healer's about it, if she thought they wouldn't snitch to her father, and if it were not for her pride preventing her from doing just that. The people of the city regarded her as some kind of war hero, the rumors of her participation in the war becoming more inflated and fantastical the longer they swirled around the city, she was certain the longer she allowed it to happen the more ridiculous they would become. She simply didn't have the strength to contest all the stories floating around. The longer the rumors went unchecked the more aware she became that having to confess to someone that their hero was too afraid to go to sleep because she was scared to have bad dreams was a very unpalatable thought for the young elf.

So instead she avoided sleep, and subsequently the nightmares, as well as she could manage. As an elf she could stay awake for a few days without any sleep and there would be no repercussions for her health. But it had made following time the conventional way a bit of a mess, which was why she implemented her new system of telling time based on events. Not sleeping also brought with it a problem unique unto itself. Being awake all by herself in the stillness of the night left her with nothing but time to recall the actual events she was trying to prevent bleeding over into her sleep, which was almost as equally undesirable as the nightmares.

Either way, when the dawn broke across the horizon there would be tears on her pillow.

Anita had tried to get Legolas to stay with her through the nights, but the prince had refused outright citing her need to rest so she could heal. She had rolled her eyes at him the first time he had said it, insisting that sex was not going to do more harm to her leg than what the blade had, but Legolas had stood firm by his convictions. At one point she would have found that terribly charming.

But today marked a new event. Anita was determined to not let the last few weeks put a damper on her spirits. Carefully the elleth tested her weight on the crutches that had been provided to her. They were a very simple design; little more than two large pieces of hardwood which had been split to create the V shape near the top, the underarm support being made from quilting and wrapped linen. They weren't so comfortable. But they were functional. The elf took a few test steps around the room, convincing herself that these rudimentary tools would suffice. Satisfied they wouldn't snap, Anita moved herself out of her room and down the hall to main courtyard of the Citadel.

Ani couldn't help but to smile, a full smile, an ear to ear smile. She was mobile. And even better, she was independently mobile. This was the first time she was tasting fresh air and sunshine without someone having carried her outside. She was so giddy that she nearly laughed with pleasure when she burst outside and was able to move around of her own free will. It was short lived though, as having to hobble herself around was also exhausting. Her goal was only to make it to the benches that surrounded the White Tree, not even halfway across the open space, and even though it was a small goal it felt like she had completed a decathlon. As she neared the benches she could see four small figures already gathered there.

"Hey guys." She called to the Hobbits huddled together. Pippin turned to the sound of her voice and gave a wave, both Merry and Sam gave small but welcoming smiles. Frodo sat next to Sam and acknowledged her presence through a glance only. Pippin indicated a spot on the bench next to him, his curls bouncing when he moved his head, and Anita was only too grateful to sit down- she wasn't proud to admit that the sudden physical exertion of using crutches after an extended period of being sedentary had caused her to break a sweat. The elleth sat down with a unceremonious plop next to the hobbit and a heavy breath from her lungs.

"Good to see you up and about ma'am," Sam said cordially.

"I can say the same for you two,"Ani indicated the two hobbits sitting across from her.

"I'm surprised you are not with the coronation procession." Pippin's comment was innocent enough which is why the elleth forced herself to suppress the compulsion to wince. It wasn't like the subject hadn't come up before, Aragorn had asked her to carry a banner in the procession which had been a kind gesture of the soon-to-be-king, but a gesture she had to decline.

Anita shook her head and used the crutch to tap the toe of the borrowed boot on her right foot, "Not with this bum leg, five steps within the Great Gate and they'll be carrying me up to the Citadel." She forced a barely realistic guffaw from her throat, but It sounded as hollow as it felt. There was no lie in her statement, and even if her leg had allowed her to participate in such a thing, she doubt she would have. Such things should only be meant for the most honorable among allies.

"Legolas wouldn't mind carrying you," Pippin elbowed her in a good natured jibe and got a genuine smirk from the elf.

"I'm sure he wouldn't, but the day is Aragorn's and I shouldn't take away from that because I am learning to walk again like a newborn calf." The dark haired elleth meant it too. Aragorn deserved every second of basking in the love of his adoring people as he paraded up the levels of the city considering what he and the citizens had gone through to make it to this day. And the citizens, who had been generous in their care of her since the battle, deserved a day of celebration and hope. "What are you four lads up to?" She turned the conversation back to the hobbits in a desperate plea to turn her mind away from dark thoughts.

"Thinking about the first things we will do when we return home." Merry replied with a smile that was so full of hope. Ani gave a gesture with her hand for him to continue. "First thing I'll do is go to the Green Dragon and drink myself so much of their ale they'll have to roll me home!" Such sentiment earned the hobbit a grin from the elleth.

"I'm going to find myself enough Longbottom Leaf that I can smoke from sun up to sun down without ceasing." Pip chimed in earning him a groan from both Sam and Meriadoc with mumbles of how he did that everyday. It was a rare moment of levity, people discussing in earnest the simple pleasures that a return to 'normal life' could offer them...what had they been fighting for if not the simple stuff?

"What about you Mr. Frodo?" Sam prompted his friend who had been sitting quietly while his peers conversed, his eyes looking anywhere but at those surrounding him. He lifted his head slightly and entirely by mistake his eyes met Anita's and the girl had to stifle a gasp. The silence began to stretch to uncomfortable lengths as she got lost in the despair and uncertainty of his eyes, a darkness that swirled deep within her own dark brown orbs.

"Frodo?" Sam asked again, a little more quietly, ever considerate of his friend.

"He doesn't know," Anita responded in his stead with the words she knew he was thinking because they had also been rattling around in her brain for some time, " He CAN"T know. He can't know if the same Shire he left behind will be waiting for him, but he knows for sure the same person isn't going back." The group fell silent as her despondent words snuffed out the joy that had been there not but a moment ago, and the elleth realized she hadn't just killed the mood, she had exterminated it.

Gratefully a guard materialized at her elbow which helped disperse the depressing cloud that had spawned over the group, "Begging your pardon Lady Anita, but more elves have just arrived...to whom should they be presented?"

Anita couldn't have looked further confused if she tried. More? The contingent from Mirkwood and Lorien had already arrived bringing skilled laborers, supplies, and gifts for the new king- and while the city was appreciative of the support it was going to get harder to find spots for all the elves and all the refugees from the lower levels. And honestly? It sounded like someone else's problem. Ani was about to tell him as much when she realized that anyone of any standing in society was with Aragorn's coronation group in the camp set up outside the city walls just as tradition dictated. The guard had probably seen her as the only person with a smidgen of authority.

"Do they look like me?" She asked as another thought dawned on her. The guard gave her a peculiar look and she repeated the question, pointing to her long ebony tresses for effect. When what she meant was made clear to the guard he nodded his head in affirmation. Anita nodded slowly, " Please have them sent up to the Citadel. No wait! Please run and tell one of the House maids to have three...no two...rooms prepared, and then go and have them sent up to the Citadel." The guards took off in immediate compliance with her requests, and a few months ago a younger Anita might have basked in being taken so seriously. But instead she mentally and physically readied herself to meet the oncoming storm, securing the crutches under her arms and bringing herself up to stand. "Stick around boys," she addressed the hobbits, " You may actually get to witness someone being lectured to death." Out of the corner of her eye she saw the four gentlemen exchange a look.

Her father had been restrained, her uncle had been downright merciful...it was doubtful her grandfather would show either.

Anita carefully maneuvered herself to a more open spot in the courtyard to greet her family and plastered as genuine a smile as could on her face in spite of the nervousness that made every limb tremor in anticipation of the meeting. It wasn't but a few moments before three figure appeared on the path from the Sixth Level- the short amount of time alerted Ani to the fact that her grandfather must not have waited to be told he could enter the city, he had just done it. For a split second the elleth had to fight an actual smile at the thought of how miffed Elrond would have been at not being recognized by the lowly city guard.

As the trio moved closer the sun highlighted her twin's hair to it's full golden glory, and just by mere proximity to her sister Anita could feel her spirits lifting and any nervousness melting away. Leila sped up her pace to be the first to greet Anita, as big grin lighting up her features, but as she drew closer the smile faltered and Anita could see tears brimming her sister's eyes.

"Oh Anita," Leila exclaimed as she threw her arms around Ani, crutches and all, into a very tight embrace and squeezed yet harder. Whatever Anita had planned to say to her twin when they met was immediately replaced with a shout of, "Ribs!" In a strained voice. Leila loosed her grip but did not fully release her twin, pulling back to give her a sour look, " You are a complete and unmitigated fool, Anita, you could have gotten yourself killed! And what then, if you had died by your own stupid choices?"

"Well for starters my ribs wouldn't be hurting now." That did get her sister to let go and earned her a solid and stinging swat on the arm for her trouble.

"It was terrible of you! We were scared for you, all of us!" Leila continued to scold as Anita rubbed the spot of her arm she had been smacked. "And what happened to your legs?" Leila gestured to the crutches for emphasis. Whatever Leila had been told about her mishaps at Gondor, at least she hadn't been told the full extent of the damage that had been dealt during the siege, and for that Anita was grateful; it meant that Leila didn't know just how close her worst fears had been to being fulfilled.

Before the elleth could explain her grandfather and aunt joined them. Leila stepped aside to give deference to her grandfather but interlocked an arm with her twin to maintain physical contact. Ani gave a small cordial bow in Arwen's direction, it was met with a small but sympathetic smile. When Ani bobbed her head to greet Elrond, she could feel his eyes burning into her flesh. "And what have you to say in defense of yourself?"

"That I have taken advantage of your hospitality and trust, but am hoping that your will forgive a petulant child's indiscretion?"

Elrond set his jaw. Whatever response he expected to get from his granddaughter, that hadn't been it. His eyes scoured her up and down looking for an ounce of duplicity in her demeanor, there was an almost imperceptible tic in his eyebrow when he wasn't able to find any. The grand older elf had been ready to unleash fire and brimstone on Anita for the hell she wrought on the family but wasn't able to do so after seeing the sincere remorse in her face. " Indeed." Elrond muttered, but his facial expression didn't change much at all. "I was prepared to provide, in excruciating detail, just how severely your consequences were going to manifest..."

"I'm sorry." Anita interjected, knowing in her heart that her family deserved at least that much, " I know that I put you all in a bad spot, and I am willing to accept the consequences of my choices, whatever they may be."

"However," The older elf continued, " Upon seeing you still counted among the living I find I no longer have the will necessary to be punitive."

It had to be the most indirect way of saying that he was happy to see her alive, but Anita understood his meaning and knew that, at least for the time being, he was not cross with her. "At least you'll get to lord this over me for the rest of my life, so that'll be fun."

"Oh Anita don't push it," Leila whispered with an exasperated sigh.

Her grandfather chose to ignore the statements altogether and instead motioned to a satchel he was carrying which had previously gone unnoticed by the elleth, " I will examine your injuries."

"Oh, actually, since I am up and about...mostly... I was hoping to take you by the Healing House since there are still a few soldiers in dire straits." While those at the Healing House had done their best to tend to the worst of the wounds seen after the siege, her grandfather was world renown for his healing skills, and the elleth hoped that he would be able to provide insight for those who had not made much progress in recovery since the battle.

"Child, I am not here to see to their wounded." His tone was flat but serious. Anita chewed the inside of her lip, determined that her grandfather help those worse off than herself, but also not wanting to test the limits of his good grace.

"I don't see why it has to be either/or," Leila chimed in after a tense moment had passed, "I brought a few of my instruments from home, I can lend myself to the Healing House while you have your own injuries looked after. Is that amiable?"

It was the best deal she was going to get, so Ani gave a shrug and a nod. Her twin had been studying under the world's greatest healer for the better part of a decade, Leila was more than capable. Turning to her aunt, the younger elleth gestured with her head to the House across the courtyard, "I am having your belongings sent up and someone should be preparing a room, you are more than welcome to relax after your journey...Aragorn, Elrohir, Elladan, and basically everyone else will be indisposed preparing for the coronation tomorrow."

Arwen nodded as though this were information she already had been aware of, " I will see if there is anything I can do to be of help to Leila in the Healing House. After several days with naught to do I find myself restless." Anita understood that sentiment all too well.

The dark haired elf weighed her options for walking her twin and her aunt down a level to take them to Healing House, but the mere thought of hobbling on her crutches that far zapped all of her energy, it had taken nearly everything she had just to make it from her bedroom to the courtyard. That thought in mind, Ani provided meticulous verbal instructions about how to get to the Healing House from where they stood. Once they were out of sight she looked to her grandfather for instruction- who gestured toward the house. Steeling herself for the exhausting walk back, Ani adjusted the crutches the comfort and began the stilted journey back to the room she had only just gained the independence to leave.

As she shuffled back across the courtyard the elleth gave a thumbs up to the Hobbits who had watched the Elves with muted curiosity...of the four sitting there, three gave her a peculiar look as only Pippin returned the gesture.

Anita swore the better part of her day would be wasted just in the time it took for her to get back and forth to her own quarters. With a heavy sigh she sat down on the edge of her bed and was half tempted to take a nap. She kicked off her borrowed boots and hiked up the edge of the borrowed dress to reveal the stitched gash on her thigh- the dress was borrowed, the boots were borrowed, the crutches were borrowed...everything she currently had aside from her blades were borrowed items. The citizens of Gondor had been extremely generous in providing for her since the battle, certainly meant as a thank you for fighting in the siege. It filled her with a terrible guilt, especially considering the scorn she had felt for the city as she worked to come to terms with her injuries. Now that her family was here, hopefully she could stop having to utilize this generosity and rely instead on the resources available to her through her grandfather.

Elrond didn't say anything as he set down his satchel and began removing tools for his inspection. Her grandfather's fingers were gentle but deft as they carefully inspected the closed wound and then began a series of assessments including testing her reflex by tapping her knee with a tiny hammer, and poking the muscles of her leg with a pointed object- only barely too big to be called a needle- to check for involuntary muscle contractions. Elrond worked silently, his focus entirely on the task at hand to determine the extent of damage done to his grandchild's mobility. Anita didn't mind the quiet, it meant she wasn't being lectured at least, but also gave her time to ponder. Compared to her twin, the amount of time that Ani had spent with her grandfather had been minuscule, and most of that time had been spent with him unsuccessfully trying to give her history and culture lessons. She knew almost nothing about the man who was the patriarch of her family, and currently the person who was the final word on whether she would ever walk unaided ever again. Anita knew he was a healer, and she knew that Elrond had survived the first War of the Ring three thousand years ago- briefly she mused if the wound on her leg was a familiar callback to the first war, and then immediately discarded the thought.

Anita knew precious little about Elrond outside of rumors. When she had first arrived in Imladris she had hears the whispers about her grandfather's "abilities", nothing that was ever substantiated though. But as thoughts of the war from thousands of years ago melded with her current predicament, she was pulled by the strong forces of curiosity.

The elleth cleared her throat quietly, "Can I ask you a question?"

Elrond didn't even bother looking up from his work, " My preference would be to remain undistracted, however I will not go so far as to forbid you from inquiry."

He didn't sound annoyed or exasperated with her, so she plunged ahead with the questions now jumping around her brain, " Did you know this would happen?"

"Stealing away in the night to partake in a war comes with certain risks child." Her grandfather quipped, his eyes still firmly attending to his work.

The elleth tried not to bristle at the remark, years of mistrust due to family lies immediately made her suspicious of her grandfather's reply. "Not my leg," Ani grumbled, " Sauron. Did you know he was alive and capable of coming back the whole time the ring was missing? Did you know war was imminent?"That got Elrond's attention. His eyes flickered to hers and held there until Anita became uncomfortable under his searching gaze, searching for any hint of accusation. When he found none, the older elf gave a small sigh and turned back to her wounded leg, continuing to test her muscle response and reflexes.

"It had been a long held fear within my heart, ever since that fateful day that Isildur kept the Ring it has festered within me."

Anita hedged on whether to push forward, part of her fearing the answer and the other part fearing Elrond would maim her for life for her insolence. After a moment of waffling back and forth the elleth chose against her better judgment. "Yet when Sauron rose again you did nothing."

The elf didn't answer right away, instead he put his hand flat against the bottom of her foot and commanded her to push against him with all her strength. Ani knew he had heard her, his hearing was too good for him to pretend he did not, but instead of pressing him for a response she complied with his command and pushed with all her strength. Pain immediately rippled up her leg and she cringed from the effort, biting back a whimper she continued to exert herself until Elrond signaled her to stop with a nod of his head. As her leg muscles relaxed the elleth realized she was breathing WAY harder than she should have been for so little work.

" I guess what I am really wondering," She heaved, turning her focus back to the unanswered question, "if you thought there was a chance that Sauron would come back... when Isildur had the Ring..."

"Why did I not simply push him into the fires and be done with it?" Elrond's interjection caused Ani to snap her mouth shut with the click of her teeth, she had been thinking exactly that but was trying to form a more delicate way to ask. Ani nodded in agreement with Elrond's statement, but had the decency to look a little embarrassed when she did. He didn't answer right away, instead the older elf invested himself in putting away the tools of his trade, meticulously, and very very slowly. When he had finished, Elrond positioned himself next to her on the bed, but his eyes were far off somewhere else when he spoke. "There was so much loss, so much destruction during the first war...the world had become such a desolate place. When Isildur took the Ring, I was faced with the terrible choice of losing another ally, losing another friend, when so much had already been sacrificed, I thought that there must be another way." Elrond's eyes returned to focus, the mist from remembering years past slowly giving way to the present, and he turned to face his grandchild. "I learned a truth that day, one I have carried with me since that fateful day by the fires. War takes and steals without discretion, all will have something ripped from them in times of war. But peace, peace requires that we willing give what little might remain when war is finished. You experience a similar position now, what else would you readily give to see peace prosper? Who else would you be willing to sacrifice?"

Her grandfather's eyes bore into her, seeking the truth, and for a moment Anita considered the choice put before her. She had fought for her sister, to see a world safe and worthy enough for her to live in, she had fought for Faramir and the city of Gondor, she had fought for Legolas in the hopes that they could forge a future together in this new world. Would she be willing to sacrifice more if it meant securing a lasting peace? The thought of giving up either her twin or Legolas made her chest constrict with pain worse than what was throbbing through her leg currently, followed by the wave of pain came a tidal wave of selfish resentment. She had already given so much, why in the hell should she be asked to sacrifice more?

And just like that she understood her grandfather in whole new way. Anita broke her gaze from his and simply shook her head in response to his question. She wouldn't be willing to sacrifice. Put in the same position as him three thousand years ago , she knew with absolute conviction she would not have thrown a friend to flames either. " I didn't mean any offense by the question. I'm sorry."

"As to your other accusation, I will answer that as well. The punishment for my sin of allowing Isildur to live when I knew what might become of the choice, is that I must the bear the weight of the consequences from that choice, whatever end that might be. So, no, I did very little when Sauron rose again, because his return and the destruction he wrought it firmly placed on my shoulders. Had the world burned under his gaze, I would have burned with it, for my part in its fate." Elrond stood and handed the borrowed pair of boots back to his child, waiting patiently as she struggled to put them back on. "In the coming days similar choices will be before Aragorn and Theoden's heir, even before you and Legolas, and you will be responsible for the consequences of those choices."

Anita secured the crutches under her arms and pulled herself to standing, " Then it is good you are here to offer guidance. On that subject, what of my leg?"

Elrond put a guiding hand on her back, " It is going to take a lot of work on your part, much damage has been done, but I believe that if you are willing to turn your attention to what must be done, then all will be made well again."

The news brought a bright smile to the elleth's face as she followed her grandfather out of the room, replaying his words again and again in her head as a mantra to her healing. Just as suddenly the smile faltered as she thought about his words for the hundredth time...

...had he been talking about her leg, or her life?