Chapter 73.
As the music ended, Cas saw Jules hug her partner, Bobby and then she came over to him. "Paul and Mark play well." she said.
"They're very good." he said.
She saw the knife in his hands. "That's a nice blade."
"It's from Sam." he said. He gave it to her. "It's very well-made."
"What's CW? she said.
"I am." he said. He saw her confusion and explained, "They say I'm a Winchester. I know I'm really not, but it means a lot to me that they see me that way and the truth is, I feel like I am."
"Of course you are." she said, "It's good that they acknowledge it. I love that they love you. You deserve that." She looked at the knife in her hand. "Let's put this with all the other presents."
"It's from Sam." he said.
"You want to dance with a knife in your hand?"
He thought about it. "Probably not."
They went over to the presents and she put the knife near the centre of the pile. The warm-toned lights cast a golden glow around her and her dark eyes shone. He silently reminded himself not to fall in love. There wasn't time for that. There was no future. Hunters' lives always ended the same way and angels who went up against Michael died even quicker and without the whisky-drenched wake. In any case, any relationship with him in it was doomed to an early end.
"Could I take your photo?" he said, taking his phone from his pocket.
"Of course." she said, "Why do you want it?"
"Well, partly because you look great, dressed like that and mostly because, when I inevitably say or do something stupid and you decide never to speak to me again, I'll have something to remind me of the time we worked together - a very happy time for me."
She looked at him and gave a sad smile. Then she took his phone. "I have a better idea." She stood beside him and put her arm around his waist, then took a photo of the two of them together. He smiled and she took another. "That's a good one." she said, looking at it closely. "Now, send a copy to my phone, because I want it too."
As her hand left his side, he felt a sense of loss, but it soon faded when he looked at the picture. They looked like a couple.
"You're very kind to a fallen angel." he said.
"The way Dean and Sam tell it, you didn't fall, you rose."
"They just hate angels." he said, "I fell, I failed, I wrecked Heaven and wounded Earth. I think I am the most destructive angel in history ... a history that includes Lucifer." He looked into her eyes. "I shouldn't even be on the same planet as you. I shouldn't dare to look at you. Where there's hope, I bring despair. Where there's light, I bring darkness."
"You only bring me friendship and happiness." she said, "And I need both."
"Everything I ever tried to do went wrong."
"The Winchesters are not in Hell. That, you got right."
"Not exactly and both of them carry the scars of Hell. You know what will happen when Michael gets here? I'll defy him for the fraction of a second it takes for him to turn me into dust."
"Jack will kill him before he gets the chance." said Jules, "When you and the Winchesters are together, nothing can beat you. Nothing ever will."
"I wish I could believe that, but it's hopeless." he said.
"No, it isn't. Have you ever thought, maybe it isn't hopeless? Maybe you're just depressed."
"Sarah keeps saying that, but angels don't really get depressed."
"Cas, you keep telling me the long list of things angels don't do and you seem to do most of them. Sarah's known you a long time and you ... you barely know you at all. I think if she says you're depressed, you're depressed."
"But angels ... "
"You're not like most angels. Maybe it's fairer to say that most angels are not like you. You've evolved."
"Angels don't evolve." he said, "At least, I don't think so."
"So you're the same angel you were when you brought Dean out of Hell?" she said.
He said nothing. He knew he had changed. Whether it was evolution or regression, he didn't know.
"You didn't fall." she said, "You evolved. Do you even see the things you can do? You go from Heaven to Earth to Hell and in each one, you can talk to those there in ways they can understand. You have friends in all three places."
"Not in Heaven so much, these days." he said.
"Well, on Earth, you have plenty." she said, "You've taken hit after hit. You've been betrayed, deceived, punished and obliterated and you're still here, fighting for what you believe in."
"What I believe in has changed over time."
"Yes. That's called growth." she said, "I admire you so much, Cas. I wish I had the courage you have. I wish I had your integrity. I wish I had your humanity. Being around you makes me a better person."
"I think you're just saying that to be kind, because you were a better person than I am before we met, but thanks for saying it."
"There's a lot more I could say, but I don't want to scare you away." she said. She put her hand lightly on his chest, apparently unaware of the intensity of feeling that caused. "I like you, Cas. I know you don't get it, but I'm going to find a way to show you. Hopefully a nice, non-threatening way that will stop you feeling so alone."
"You already did that." he said, "I never feel alone when I'm with you."
"You don't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she said, moving her hand away and slightly breaking his heart.
"It sounds good anyway." he said, wishing he had some kind of phrasebook.