A/N: As we were writing these last few chapters, we ended up having to make edits to several already-published chapters. It's something that we have generally tried to avoid in the past, but in this case it was necessary. Edits start at Chapter 31: The Lovell Affair, and continue to this chapter. Thank you!
Mariah woke up to a grey pearlescent sky shining a dull light through the curtains, but she could not bring herself to move. She rolled over into the dark shadows of the sheets and closed her eyes against the day. She felt empty. She had not eaten a full meal in several days, but the thought of food made her nauseated. Her body felt heavy, her eyes dry, and dull. She pressed her face into her pillow, feeling her breathing muffled against the fabric. She felt like sinking. She felt sunken.
Her father was dead.
Sirius had Apparated them to an apartment. He had sat her down, and he had told her that her father was dead.
Mariah felt her eyes grow wet. She had already cried so much. And she had not spoken.
He had been murdered at St. Mungo's, where they were supposed to keep him safe. She had sent a letter to Devon, who had told her not to attend the funeral. Lily had come to stay as well, but all she could do was sit by Mariah's bedside and hold her hand. Her silence and her presence had been appreciated, but now Mariah was alone, faced with an uncertain future.
What was going to happen now? And what did it matter anyway? Mariah had no one left. Her father was gone, her mother was gone, her brother was gone, her boyfriend, gone. A wave of guilt made her feel sick and she scrunched her knees up to her chest.
She drifted in and out of consciousness for hours.
It was late afternoon when she had to use the bathroom. She sluggishly rolled to the edge of the bed and dragged the sheets wrapped around her body behind her down the hall to the bathroom. When she was done she opened the door to return to her room, but a noise from the other direction stopped her. She walked to the end of the hall where it opened out into the kitchen area.
Sirius was waving his wand around the kitchen, sending vegetables flying, humming to himself. He had a small cauldron bubbling in the corner. Mariah watched him silently for a minute. The vegetables performed an elegant arc as they dove into the soup, and several spice shakers danced over it with precise oscillations. Sirius tapped the end of his wand on a pitcher and it slowly filled with water.
Mariah turned back into the hallway, but sank to the floor with her back against the wall. The sounds of humming and cooking were rhythmic and measured, and she found solace in their regularity. Sirius cooking, she thought idly. Who knew? She closed her eyes. She wrapped the sheet more tightly around her shoulders, finding security in the close bundle. She listened to the rhythm of the kitchen as her thoughts faded in and out.
"Mariah."
Mariah opened her eyes blearily. Sirius was crouched next to her, looking at her.
"Come on."
She felt him pick her up, and the next thing she knew she was being laid back in bed. She rolled over to sleep some more, but she never heard the door close. After a while she opened one eye, and saw Sirius sitting next to the bed, looking out of the window. He glanced at her as she moved slightly.
"You can stay here, if you need a place to stay," he said. "I mean… if you ever need somewhere to go."
Mariah felt her heart well up with emotion as her eyes welled up with tears again, and she turned her face into her pillow to hide them. Sirius went on.
"I just know how that is, is all. If it weren't for James, I don't know what I would have done. I just want to pay it forward," said Sirius. He stared out of the window for another minute or so. "School's supposed to start again in a few days. Lily's said she can tell Dumbledore if you need more time."
Mariah shook her head. Sirius looked around at her.
"Are you sure?" he asked. Mariah nodded. Sirius hesitated. "Because if you're not sure I can make something up for you. If you aren't ready to deal with… people."
"Fuck it," said Mariah into her pillow. Sirius looked at her.
"What?"
"Fuck it," said Mariah hoarsely, rolling her face to the side. "What have I got left to lose anyway?" She glanced up at Sirius only to see the ghost of a grin quickly vanish from his face.
"Dark," he said, regaining his serious expression, but there was more softness to it now. Mariah raised a hand outside of her sheets, palm up. Sirius snorted, and slapped it in a limp high five. He remained there, watching the sky out of the window as Mariah drifted back to sleep, her fingers still entwined with his.
There had been a time in her life when Emilie had found comfort in the small compartments of the Hogwarts Express, when they had felt cozy and intimate, like nothing existed outside the small space just big enough for four passengers and their luggage. But the days of swapping secrets and sharing sweets on the train ride from London were long since over, and now the tight quarters seemed claustrophobic, as though their sole purpose was to remind her that there was no way out.
If her relationship with Rosier had already gone sour, it was now irreparable. Since the incident at the Lovells' summer home, she had had to quickly work some damage control. Her new story was that she had been dodging a spell from James Potter that had sent her flying in the path of Rosier's spell, Rosier must not have heard it over the din of the fight. Rosier had accepted this explanation in the end, but Kurt had still had to forcibly drag him off of her when he had unleashed his full fury on her for causing James and Geoff to escape. Despite the lingering bruises and the scar left from the spell itself, the biggest memento of the duel lay invisible to everyone but her. She took a deep breath and wrapped her arms tightly around her middle, trying to focus on what Kurt was saying to distract herself from the hollow feeling in her chest.
"The disposal of the Muggle seems to have loosened Roxana Jaeger's resolve, meaning she will be ready and willing to assist with the mission ahead," he said. "Good to know we can always fall back on good old fashioned threats when bribery stops working."
Rosier laughed, and Emilie felt sick. Kurt glanced at her as he continued. "As disastrous as the mission was to retrieve the bell, we succeeded, and if we manage to pull off the next mission we might as well be in the clear. So it's very important that for the rest of the year we do not attract attention to ourselves. There can be no cracks in this plan, or we are as good as dead."
"Shame to wait," said Rosier, glancing at the window.
Emilie followed his look, and with a pang, met Geoff's eyes as he walked by the compartment with a short glance. She felt Rosier's eyes on her, and looked away from the window back at Kurt to see him watching her as well.
"Patience is a virtue, Rosier," he said, his eyes flicking back to Rosier, who sighed and looked back out of the window at the passing countryside. Kurt's eyes met Emilie's again, and did not leave.
As they arrived at the castle, Rosier followed the other Slytherins back towards the dungeons, but Kurt pulled Emilie aside, waiting for the others leaving the carriages to vacate the area.
"You'd better steer clear of Rosier for the next few months best you can," he said. "He still hates you for pushing Mansfield out of the way."
"I didn't push Mansfield, I just–" started Emilie, but Kurt silenced her with a look.
"Listen to me. We're getting close to the end, now," he said in a low voice. "There's no room to play anymore, if one of them gets wind of what's about to happen, we are dead. Your family can't protect you, and neither can your friends."
"Convenient time to lecture me, now that Mariah's dumped you," said Emilie darkly. "Almost makes it seem like it was your decision… except we all know it wasn't."
"Whatever, I'm glad it's over," said Kurt shortly.
"Oh, come on," Emilie said, giving him a skeptical look. "You've been sulking about it all break."
"I'm not fucking around," said Kurt sharply. "Forget the games. I know you have real feelings for him. You're trying to protect him, just like I tried to protect Mariah, and it won't work."
"Just because you fucked up doesn't mean–"
"Emilie, because of me her father is dead. Her family was ripped apart because I wouldn't kill her. Geoff is already running out of family," said Kurt, and Emilie fell silent. He lowered his voice. "How many times do you think you can push him out of the way before someone realizes what you're doing?" He cast his eyes around, running a hand through his hair impatiently, and when he spoke again it was halting. "There may have been a time – during the start of the year – where I thought maybe… maybe I could show them all up. That maybe things would be different. But my father had other plans, and no matter how I try to fix things, they just end up blown out of proportion, until it's literally down to my skin or hers." He looked at Emilie, and for once there was no trace of that secretive clever glint that normally lurked beneath his gaze. "If you're like me, and I think you are, there is a limit to how much of yourself you are willing to risk for another person. You know what's coming. We are out of chances. If you interfere, the Dark Lord will make sure that it is your head as well as his on the chopping block. Don't let it be yours."
With that, Kurt turned and started his climb up the rest of the hill towards the castle, leaving Emilie to make her way behind him, feeling sicker than ever.
After the whirlwind Easter holidays, the return to school soon felt almost oppressively quiet. N.E.W.T.s were nearly upon them, and each day of the next three weeks every teacher had assigned mountains of homework. Between essays and readings, the members of Gryffindor house had not had a chance to regroup. Mealtimes were spent behind heavy volumes with titles like Goblins of the Raj: A Study of Creatures and Classism and Feet in the Clouds, Head on the Ground: The History of Wizards in Flight, and evenings were spent in classrooms practicing Charms, Transfiguration spells, Defensive spells and jinxes. James and Sirius had turned the common room into a dueling warzone, leaving the other students to duck and weave their way back to their dorms in the evenings.
Mariah had taken up camp in the dungeons. Having long since decided to pursue a career in Healing, her potions grade would be her most important. Two full racks of potion vials stood ready for Slughorn's approval as she mixed her Dreamless Sleep potion counterclockwise for the 17th time that hour. The dungeon was deserted, and it was late. Slughorn had given her free reign of his classroom with a wink that she should not forget his help when she was an accomplished potioneer. Mariah took that as a sign that she might not be walking into the N.E.W.T. completely hopeless.
She was glad of the work. Her feeling of heavy numbness had not subsided when she'd boarded the Hogwarts Express after the holidays, and the constant studying had given her something to do in a world that suddenly felt very pointless.
Word of her father's death had made its way through the school, and she had recognized a flurry of people who had given her their condolences within her first few days back, but soon everyone was distracted, and she was left on her own. Lily checked in, in between classes or late as she was going up to bed, and sometimes Remus or Geoff would sit next to her in the Great Hall or the Library to study, but her interactions with Sirius had remained wordless ever since their return to school. Sometimes their eyes would meet as she left the common room, and he would let up cursing James to let her through, or he would hold the door for her if they left a classroom at the same time, and then they would go their separate ways, and Mariah would always have a small furtive stir of memory, the sounds of cooking and humming, a hand in her hand, an arm around her waist…
The strange hush over the school was helped in no small part by the absence of Slytherin attacks. For the first time that year, Hogwarts felt like a school rather than a battlefield. Mariah had seen Kurt in class, but he had had his nose to his parchment same as everyone else. Even Rosier was withdrawn, and Mariah had seen him repeatedly in the library, several books stacked beside him. It was as though the world had stopped for N.E.W.T.s.
Mariah corked her last flask, sliding it into a rack and carrying the two racks of vials up to Slughorn's desk. She scribbled a quick note on some loose parchment, and vanished the rest of her potion, wiping her eyes as she packed up her things. It really was getting late.
She made her way slowly back up towards Gryffindor Tower, already making a reading list for the next day. She rubbed her eyes again as she reached the top of the stairs, almost colliding with someone heading the other direction.
"Sorry – oh…" She broke off, recognizing Kurt. He looked embarrassed.
"Sorry," he muttered.
Mariah stepped up around him, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it," she said, waving a hand.
"No I – I really am sorry," said Kurt haltingly. Mariah looked around at him. He ran a hand through his hair, staring at her feet and taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry about your dad… and I'm sorry about – I'm just – just sorry, is all."
"Yeah," said Mariah after a minute. Kurt glanced up at her, meeting her eyes.
"I'll see you around, then," he said. Mariah smiled, but her heart wasn't in it. Kurt returned with a grim smile of his own, and continued down the stairs. Mariah resumed her way, feeling a twinge of annoyance. 'You've just signed your own death sentence.' She wondered if that was included in his sorries.
It was nearly curfew. Evenings had been extended an hour for late-night studiers, but the added leniency from the professors meant that Filch was more at war than ever with the student body. There were only a few minutes to spare by the time Mariah turned the corner towards the portrait hole, but she stopped short, surprised.
The portrait stood open a crack, and Sirius sat cross-legged on the floor, his head drooping forward. Mariah tapped him hard on the shoulder, and he lolled back into confused consciousness.
"Oh, good," he mumbled, breathing deeply as he squinted up at her.
"What are you doing out here?" asked Mariah.
"Wasn't sure you were going to make it in time," slurred Sirius, still half-asleep. He shook his head and got to his feet unsteadily. "Where were you?"
"Dungeons," said Mariah. "Potions practice," she added after a moment. "Need top marks."
"No worries, there. You're ace at potions," said Sirius, less of the sleep in his voice. "You turned Geoff into Mulciber."
"I turned Remus into Mulciber," corrected Mariah. "Unintentionally."
"Still something, isn't it? I turned water into mud, that's how ace at potions I am," said Sirius. Mariah laughed, and he smiled. A hand in her hand, an arm around her waist… Sirius glanced over her shoulder down the hallway. "You know, Filch loves giving detention to students who linger outside their common rooms. Just within his jurisdiction."
"So move, then," said Mariah, gesturing to where he stood blocking the entrance.
"Alright, alright," he said softly, holding the portrait hole open for her as he turned to enter. Mariah felt a rush of warmth. He had waited for her.
On impulse, she suddenly stepped forward and put her hand over his where it grasped the portrait. Sirius stopped mid-turn and looked around at her. She recognized his expression as one she had seen on his face only a few times before. It took her a moment to place. He looked vulnerable.
The heat of his hand under hers seemed to envelope her whole arm as they took their hands off of the portrait and interlocked their fingers. Confidence bolstered by this rush of inner warmth, Mariah stepped forward, her gaze locked on Sirius's grey eyes, which closed as she closed the distance between their lips. And in one fluid movement she was no longer standing in front of him, but was in his arms, her face against his, his lips against hers.
His hand was in her hair and hers was at the nape of his neck. Mariah felt dreamlike, her hand burning hot where Sirius's hand held hers. She could not feel her feet at all. Their lips moved against each other's, generating an electricity that coursed over Mariah's skin and filled her stomach as she melted in his arms.
A sharp meow brought them back to the cold stone hallway, and they recognized the lamplike eyes of Mrs. Norris at the other end of the hall.
"What'd I tell you?" said Sirius, and it struck Mariah suddenly how fast her heart was beating. She looked up at him. His lips were red, his face flushed. He looked elated.
"We'd better get inside," said Mariah. Her cheeks felt hot, and she wondered if Sirius's heart was hammering in his ears; she could hear nothing else over her own.
He turned to lead her through the portrait hole, but it had closed without their noticing.
"Chocolate Frogs," said Sirius hoarsely, and the portrait opened once more. They ducked into the dimly lit common room just as Filch's footsteps began to echo down the distant hall.