The oncoming nights were still dismal; and no matter how much he tried, Barnacles couldn't keep himself in his room. The nightmares were frequent and intense, making him yell out sometimes in his room. Once in the hallway, it was dramatically reduced. Nightmares were there, but not as bad.
He considered sleeping in one of the comfy chairs or couches in the library, but he wasn't sure if Inkling sometimes wandered there, studying at times. He technically wasn't supposed to, because of curfew; but Barnacles did not want to take that chance. So he stayed in the most secluded hallways, trying to stay quiet.
He would wake up an hour before everyone else each morning, at 4am. He would sit up and rub his eyes with a paw, then get up and wander. He took his sweet time brushing his teeth, taking a morning shower if necessary. Weeks had gone by at this point, meaning that his stitches had been taken out. He didn't have to get bandaged by Peso after each shower anymore. It was still sore at times, and it left some nasty scars, but he was better. He hated seeing them in the mirror, though.
He kept up appearances with the others, pretending to be his normal, confident self. He would talk to others, make sure they were ok. Even if he wasn't leading now, he couldn't keep himself from doing it. He just wanted them all to be alright. He loved them too much.
A month had passed in this constant state of tension, hidden behind a small smile, when Peso declared that he could start going out of the Octopod again.
"But we'll take it slow," Peso said to Kwazii pointedly.
The cat waved him off, "Of course, of course," he said. "Don't want anything bad ta happen to ya, eh Captain?"
Barnacles had mixed emotions about it. He knew Kwazii was being sincere, but something rubbed him off the wrong way. And he didn't want to be coddled.
But of course, he didn't say anything out loud and followed the cat, penguin, and sea otter into the Gup A. It was to be a calm mission, just researching and having a check up among the fish. Barnacles was to only fill in the gaps, help in any way he could. It was for him to start getting into the swing of things again. He knew all this, and appreciated it; but his tightening stomach seemed to disagree. But he stayed quiet and followed protocol, like the good Octonaut he was supposed to be.
Kwazii was doing wonderful. He was still himself, loud and excitable and enthusiastic, but he was also responsible and made sure everything went smoothly. Barnacles could only observe, watch numbly, from afar. Kwazii was such a good Captain. Why should Barnacles be there anyway?
The mission was uneventful, and it barely passed through his mind as it quickly sped by. When is was time to go, they packed up and went into the Gup.
Kwazii looked at Barnacles, not unkindly, but with a twinkle of mischief or mirth in his eye.
"Would ya like to have a go at it?" the pirate asked, stepping to the side of the steering wheel.
"Sure," he said naturally, and he grabbed the wheel and automatically started the Gup. But as they lifted off the sea floor, it lurched a bit. He knew it was small; he knew it was fairly common, especially when the Gup had sunken into the sand a bit. But all he knew was that something was wrong and they were all in danger. He stiffened a bit, keeping on course because that was ingrained in him, but inside he tried to calm the adrenaline surge that coursed through him. He could feel his paws shaking. He hoped no one else noticed.
After five minutes (though it felt like an eternity), Barnacles said as naturally and with as much levity as possible.
"Kwazii, why don't you take over for a bit. My shoulder is a bit sore." Not the dominant reason, but he uses it.
"Oh, sure, Captain," Kwazii soon replaced Barnacles' paws with his own. "Maybe it's a bit early for you to start missions again."
The polar bear put his paws to his sides and discreetly clenched his fists, trying to stop the shaking. His face was sickeningly serene (Why are you acting like this?)
"I assume you're right," he replied. He doesn't want to be here.
"Ok, we'll go out again later, maybe in another week," Peso said, looking earnestly at Barnacles. He was taken aback by Peso's eyes. They were deep, and it was like he could see the other Octonauts in their depths. How the young medic looked up to him. How they all did. It was like how he saw Peso in the Arctic, when his flipper was hurt and he woke up next to the fire Barnacles made. The polar bear had felt their love then, their admiration. He could see it now again, and he tried and reached as hard as he could to not disappoint them, to stop the shaking of his paw, still hidden away in one of his pockets.
The shaking didn't stop.
But he still breathed and looked forward, not trying to bring attention to it, and once he was talking to the others for a few minutes, about nothing and everything, he finally realized that he was finally calm enough for his paw to become still.
He hoped it would stay that way, that his fear would be at bay; but he started to think that it was not going to be the case.