I find it very strange how you can physically feel when something hurts your feelings.

It's like your chest gets all tight and suddenly it's hard to breathe. Then your stomach gets a cramp deep in the pit of it but it's nothing like any cramp you've ever had before. It's not like when you eat too fast and upset your stomach or when you eat something bad and have to use the bathroom. It's a very specific type of hurt, the way your stomach hurts when something hurts your feelings. Your heart aches, too. You feel like it's going to beat out of your chest for a moment and when that stops, it feels like someone took a dagger and stabbed it right through you. That's what getting your feelings hurt feels like.

I don't want to torture myself by being here, don't want to torture myself by staying. But it's like the second I see their lips touch each other ever so lightly and his hand stays on her cheek, I can't stop looking. Everything inside of me is saying that I should run away or close my eyes at the very least, but I just can't look away. It's like when you're on the highway after being stuck in a pileup. After you get through the traffic and pass the scene of the accident, you just can't stop staring. Even though you know you probably shouldn't look.

Finn wraps his free hand around her waist and opens his mouth a little to deepen the kiss and she still doesn't pull away… why is she doing this?

I thought we had something between us, I really did. I thought for the first time in a long time, I was going to be happy. She told me she loved me and I had finally been starting to believe it. We just started learning how to work through our issues when we have disagreements. She spent Thanksgiving with my family, I went on their annual trip to the Columbus Fair with her family. I was even getting comfortable with sex… why is she doing this? Why is she doing this to me?

With the hand that's on her waist, Finn pulls her closer to him… so close that their pelvises are crushed against each other and I've officially had enough.

Even though my legs feel wobbly and like they can't support me, I start by taking two steps backwards, my fingers still holding the edge of the door so it doesn't close. Then I blink a few times because honestly, I still think I might have walked into an episode of The Twilight Zone. I blink five or so times, just hoping that when I open my eyes the next time, they'll both just be singing like they were five seconds ago and this kiss will all be just a figment of my imagination.

But my eyes aren't deceiving me. I'm not in The Twilight Zone. This is very, very real. And I am very, very nauseous.

Shaking my head like I'm trying to clear the memory from my mind or something, I keep backing out of the room until my heels touch the carpet. And that's when I finally let the door go and let it slam shut so hard that she will definitely know someone saw them.

I need a bathroom. I really feel like I have to throw up and I don't want to do it all over this fancy red carpet. I really need a bathroom, where's a bathroom? I can't remember where I saw one. There's one in the dressing room but I can't go back in there and face everyone. They'll be asking me what's wrong and asking me to tell them what happened and I can't. How do I tell them I just saw my girlfriend cheating on me? How do I tell them that Rachel and Finn broke my heart and are probably getting back together?

I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I want to get far away from that rehearsal room, so I just walk. I walk as fast as I can run without looking like an idiot in these hallways. I walk past the open door to our dressing room, knowing that someone is going to see me and probably come looking for me, but I don't care. I just keep walking because sooner or later, I'll have to reach a bathroom.

"Oh no…" I hear her voice. It's faint because it's about ten feet up the hallway, but it's definitely her voice. And there was a time when her voice was my favorite thing in the world to hear, but now it just makes me feel like I need to throw up even more. "Quinn!"

I hear her footsteps following me — running towards me — which makes me run from her. I don't want to see her right now. I just can't see her right now. I can't look at her right now because if I look at her right now, I'm pretty sure that I'll end up hating her and Rachel isn't someone that I want to hate. I'm just so mixed up and filled with every single negative emotion possible right now and if I look at her… if I look at her, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I'll slap her or if I'll punch her or if I'll push her or if I'll just look at her and cry. I just don't know.

"Quinn, wait!" She yells after me and her footsteps stop. I know Rachel well enough to know that she only stopped so she could take her heels off so she can run after me easier.

But the joke's on her, because I'm too far ahead and she can't keep up. And she's still around the corner when I bank a right and finally find the entrance to a bathroom.

I run into the nearest empty stall as soon as I'm in the bathroom and lock myself inside it. The bathroom seems really fancy and clean and it doesn't smell like a bathroom, which makes it easier for me to feel okay about sitting on the floor. I mean, I probably would have just sat on the floor anyway, even if it was dirty or smelly. But the fact that it's not is just a bonus.

I can't stand up and cry. My dad would kill me right now if he could see me sitting down and crying instead of crying standing up, but it hurts too much to stand up. It really, really hurts. It finally sets in when my butt is on the cold tile floor. I pull my knees up into my chest and rest my forehead on them so I can just cry.

She kissed him. I saw it. It wasn't him that initiated it. It wasn't like he just swooped in to kiss her and she had no defense. It was her. She raised up. She tilted her head. She made their lips touch. She chose to kiss him. How could she do that to me…?

I knew they shouldn't have been alone together. I knew when she asked Mr. Schue if she and Finn could rehearse privately and away from the chaos that I should have stepped in. I knew it. I just didn't want to seem like I was intruding on her space. I didn't want to seem like I didn't trust her. I didn't want her to get mad at me. So I let them go alone. I knew I shouldn't have. I just knew it.

Maybe it's just my anxiety, but my mind starts running rampant just thinking about all the things that might have been happening if I came in a few minutes later…

I don't think that Rachel would sleep with him… I mean, it would've been really easy to do it if she wanted to. They were all alone in that big rehearsal room. It was relatively soundproof. The door locked from the inside, but neither one of them were smart enough to figure that out. And yeah, there were a bunch of really grand windows that people could see through, but we're on the second floor so really, how much could they have seen?

He could have had her propped up, sitting against the windowsill. Her underwear could have been down, hanging off one of her ankles. He could have been standing in front of her, making her moan the same way I do and his lips could have been kissing her neck. I could have been watching her head tilting back in the throes of ecstasy and looking at the way her fingernails dug into his back…

I don't think Rachel would sleep with him. But then again… I didn't think she'd kiss him either.

I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Maybe it was whenever they took Beth out of my arms at the hospital, but I'm not sure. There might have been a time more recent than that, but that's not the point. The point is that I feel physically sick and I can't catch my breath because I'm crying too hard. I'm really crying. My shoulders are gyrating up and down, I'm dry heaving, there's no sound coming out of me, there's snot on my face, tears mixed in with the snot, I'm gross, and my head is starting to feel like I'm banging it off a wall.

Why would she do that? I just want to know why… does she not love me? She's been saying it but she can't possibly mean it. Does she want to be back with him?

"Quinn?" Her voice is followed by footsteps and suddenly, I stop crying all at once.

It's like I don't want her to know I'm in here but I can't move off the floor and I'm pretty sure we're the only team wearing red dresses so if she looks underneath the stall and sees a red dress, she'll know it's me. But I'm not coming out. I refuse to come out. And she can try to climb underneath this stall to get to me, but I'm so mixed with every emotion that I will kick her if she does that. If she knew what was best for herself, she would just leave me alone.

"Quinn, I know you're in there. Okay? And I just want to talk to you. Can you come out?" She doesn't even sound remorseful… no I can't come out.

Instead of answering her verbally, I just sniff really loud so she knows I've been crying and stay right where I'm sitting.

"...Alright, I'm coming in." She walks over to my stall and pulls on the handle. Did she really think I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked? She sighs hard when she realizes it won't open. "Quinn, please. Please come out. Please."

Why should I? So you can sit there and try to make excuses for what you did? So you can tell me how much you love me only to kiss him again the next time you're left alone with him? So you can tell me that I'm crazy? And that you only have eyes for me? So you can make up some bullshit excuse as to why you did it? So you can get mad at me for spying on you? Why should I come out? Why should I have anything to do with you?

"I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry, but it didn't mean anything… you hear me? It didn't mean anything, I swear. I don't… I don't know why I did it, but you have to believe me. Please. Please, Quinn. Please. I'm begging you. You have to believe me and you can't be mad at me. You can't be mad at me, I'll… I don't know what I'll do. You have to forgive me. Please just come out so we can talk. Please."

She still doesn't sound remorseful. She mostly just sounds like she's trying to plead her case and I'm not interested in hearing it. I'm not interested in hearing why she thought it would be okay to kiss him because I know for a fact that she wouldn't have told me about it. I know that for a fact. If I had never walked in and saw them kissing, I just wouldn't have known about it. She would not have told me and I know she wouldn't have. So why should I listen to anything she has to say? I've been good to her. Maybe not the best because I'm still working my shit out, but I've never even so much as looked at someone else since we've been together. Why can't she just leave Finn alone? Why is it so hard? WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY AN ISSUE FOR US?

"You're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later." She kneels down on the floor beside my stall and puts her hand underneath the door, palmside up like she's asking me to hold it. "Just please let me explain, okay? Just please listen. Are you listening?"

I just stare at her hand and there's a small part of me contemplating on smashing it with my fist. I could punch her hand right now until her knuckle smashes into the floor and possibly breaks. She's lucky that there's still some stupid, idiotic, moronic piece of me that is still so in love with her…

"I got carried away. I got swept up in the performance aspect and the emotion in the song and I had a lapse of judgment. Okay? That's all it was, it was nothing. It meant nothing. I got so wrapped up in performing and acting out the part of being his lover and I just don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. I just got carried away. That's all. I got carried away."

You got carried away?! That's the excuse you're going with?! Wow, Rachel. Wow. Thanks for the truth but really, you could have done better than that. You still have feelings for him and if you would just admit that, I swear I would respect you a little more. You just keep telling me stupid shit like he means nothing to you and I'm the one you love but it's clearly not true. If he meant nothing to you then your mind wouldn't have even gone there with him. He means something. Stop saying he means nothing. Stop lying to me.

"We're gonna be okay, right?" She scoots her hand underneath the stall a little more like she's still waiting for me to hold it. "This is all gonna blow over and you and me… we're gonna be okay. I don't know how I'll be able to take it if you're mad at me, Quinn. You're the one person I…" Finally, she sounds like she's showing some kind of remorse. Her voice cracks and she has to stop talking for a minute. "I won't be okay without you. Please tell me we'll be okay. You're the one person I need."

I look down at her outstretched hand again and that same stupid, idiotic, moronic piece of me that still loves her really wants to put my hand inside of hers and tell her that it's okay and I understand and I'll just accept her cheating on me with Finn because I love her so much! But it's a good thing I'm not a stupid, idiotic, moronic person (most of the time). Because the bigger part of me is still disgusted at the fact that she even expects me to hold her hand after doing what she did.

So even though it hurts to not listen to the part of me that wants to forgive her, I need her to know that it's not okay. It's not okay and she is wrong and I am crushed.

So I reach behind my neck and unclasp the "R" necklace that she got me for my birthday. I unclasp it and lay it into her outstretched palm. And as soon as she pulls her hand from underneath the stall to see what it is that I put inside it, she makes a noise that is a cross between a groan and a gasp.

And she starts crying the way you cry when you're young, you know?

It's like how whenever you're a toddler and you start crying. There's that one starting cry initially. You make that sobbing noise and then you stop, not because you're done crying but because you're sucking in a breath to gear up for the next round? That's how Rachel starts crying. It's hard and it's loud and it's a sob more than anything and it makes something inside of me snap. And I almost open up the stall to comfort her, I really do. But then I can't stop thinking about how I saw her kissing him and I just… I can't forgive her for that. Not whenever she insisted that things were over between them. I know I just hurt her and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to make her cry so hard. But she hurt me too…

I was gonna propose to her on the bus ride home. Not like a marriage proposal or anything, that's insane. We're only seventeen and that's absolute insanity. I was going to propose to her about the winter formal on the bus ride home. I was going to wait until Tuesday and do it in school, during Glee club so everyone could see how cute and cheesy my proposal is. But after last night… I just felt like I loved her on a totally different level. I felt connected to her deep within my soul and I just couldn't wait. Because like Dad said back in the store, when you have a woman like that, you don't want to let her go. I thought Rachel was my woman. I thought she was my one good thing, the thing I was absolutely sure about. I was so in love with her last night that I knew I just couldn't wait.

I was gonna wait until after we stopped for food. Apparently Mr. Schue went to Pittsburgh a few years ago to watch the Bengals play the Steelers and while he was here, he ate a sandwich at this one place and he really wants to take us there because he said it was the best sandwich he's ever eaten. So after we stopped for lunch and our bellies were full, I knew that Rachel would be ready to go to sleep because she didn't get much sleep. But I was going to have a surprise. I was going to pull up the receipt on my phone and let her read it because the actual certificate and the picture won't be here in the mail until Monday. And her face was going to light up when she read the receipt and saw that I bought her a star. She was going to cry tears of joy when I told her that there is now a star up in the sky named Rachel Berry. She was going to cry when she heard that I bought a star and named it after her and I was going to give this big stupid speech about how I bought the star because she IS a star and the brightest star in my galaxy and then I was going to ask her if she'd shine bright at winter formal with me and it was going to be really cheesy and really corny and really stupid and really cute and she was going to love it and now… I pulled out all the cheesiest parts of my personality for her and now…

Why did she have to go and kiss Finn?

"Shut up and put your money where your mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!"

Vocal Adrenaline is on the last chorus of their last song and that means that it's almost our turn and I know I should be nervous about that, but I'm really not. I'm not really thinking about anything other than how badly I want to go home and hide in my bed until I die. I don't want to perform. I don't want to go out there on stage and listen to Rachel and Finn sing that godforsaken song and watch him look at her in that godforsaken way. I don't want to go out there and shake my ass for a stupid circus themed performance that nobody's going to remember, and I don't want to go out there and contribute to us losing.

Because we're going to lose, that's a fact. I don't care how good we perform, I don't care how powerful Mercedes' solo is and I don't care how moving Rachel and Finn's duet is. Hell, we could get an actual tiger and actual circus people and I still don't think we'd stand a chance. Vocal Adrenaline's performance is show choir magic and while we do have our own little props and really great choreography, they are still 100% unmatched by us. Their Katy Perry tribute is pure gold.

They opened the show up with all of their girls on stage wearing daisy dukes and singing "California Gurls" and the judges instantly loved them but it really threw them over the top when the boys came out to line up for the next song and they threw beach balls into the audience. When the boys came out, their transition into "Hot N Cold" was so smooth but what really blew me (and everyone else, I think) away was how they managed to mix a really pretty ballad like "Unconditionally" in with such an upbeat song like "Hot N Cold." It was amazing, really. We can't touch them. We're going to lose and I can't say that I'm upset about it. I kind of want to lose, in way. Because at least if we lose, Glee club stops becoming mandatory since we're not going to nationals anyway. And I don't have to see Rachel and Finn in Glee club anymore if we don't go to nationals.

"Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!"

I poke my head around the curtain to see if I can watch the last few seconds of their performance because I have a feeling they have glitter. I just know they have glitter. It wouldn't be a Vocal Adrenaline performance if they said "shake the glitter" without actually having glitter, so I'm just curious now. I think I might go download "Waking Up In Vegas" when I get on the bus. I forgot how much I liked that song.

"You good?" I feel a hand rest in the middle of my back, which pulls me out of the trance Vocal Adrenaline put me in. It's only Santana checking on me and I kind of wish she hadn't nexuses watching Vocal Adrenaline was the first time in 45 minutes when I wasn't thinking about how bad my heart hurts. I wish she'd have just let me watch.

She and Mercedes had to come get me out of the bathroom. Rachel sat beside my stall and begged me to come out a few more times after I made her cry by handing her the necklace. She cried so hard that she started coughing and I really did almost come out but in a way, I couldn't because I was sort of… embarrassed, I guess? I don't know. She just cried and cried and begged me and said "Don't do this. Please, Quinn. You can't break up with me." I didn't say anything back to her because I didn't know what I could say. She just cried her eyes out and eventually asked me if I still loved her and I said nothing to that either. Obviously the answer is yes, but I just couldn't say that for some reason.

Mercedes, Tina and Santana found us. They came looking because Mr. Schue wanted us to line up so we could walk to the auditorium together. When they came in, Rachel just cried to them and kept saying "she doesn't love me anymore" over and over and eventually Tina got her up off the floor, convinced her to channel her feelings into the performance and walked her out of the bathroom. Mercedes tried to talk me out of the stall but I wouldn't budge. For starters, I still felt sick and I thought that if I got up, I would puke all over myself. But I also just didn't want to perform after that. I just didn't have the performance in me.

Mercedes left to go tell Mr. Schue that I wasn't coming out of the bathroom, so Santana stepped in. She asked me what was wrong and for some reason, I felt okay enough to tell her. Because I felt like Santana might understand how I felt, and she did. She told me all about how she used to feel when she'd watch Brittany kiss Artie and how she currently feels knowing that Brittany still misses her relationship with Artie. It's honestly a blur after that and I'm starting to get scared because that's how it was before I overdosed.

The week leading up to my overdose, I got really depressed over Beth and I noticed that I was starting to forget things that happened days and even hours before I needed to remember them. I was in the middle of the steps and I suddenly couldn't remember what I was going down them for. I would sit on the couch and watch episode after episode of Law & Order: SVU and couldn't remember what happened in the episode I watched previously.

How Santana got me out of the bathroom is a very big blur of nothing and I wonder if maybe I'm sinking into a depression again because I can't remember.

"I'm fine." I finally answer Santana's question after a few moments because… well… I forgot that she even asked me a question to be honest.

"Okay," she pats my back twice. "We're gonna go out here and kill it. Okay?"

"Kay."

"Forget all about it for the ten minutes we're on stage. It's all secondary. Go out there and have fun. Got it?"

"I got it, Santana." I sigh and take a deep breath. I hope I can remember my steps on stage...

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, prepare to be amazed! Welcome to the stage… From William McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!"

The announcer says our names over the sound system and I hate to admit it, but Mr. Schue was right. It was his bright idea to have the announcer say the "ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…" part while introducing us. He thought that it would really speak to the circus theme we're going for and I thought the idea was stupid and corny at first. But it was actually really cool because no other team got a special introduction like that and maybe that'll be enough for us to edge out Vocal Adrenaline. Maybe I don't want to lose…

On the first eight count, we're supposed to start chanting our "woah" part. This is one of the parts we kept messing up in practice. Everyone starts screaming "woah" at different times and it messes everything up.

The way this number starts is a little bit different. Nobody starts out on stage at first. We actually start chanting from backstage and Artie wheels himself out while we're chanting. It's supposed to look really cool but I just hope we can execute it properly.

On the first eight count, we're supposed to start chanting our "woah" part. This is one of the parts we kept messing up in practice. Everyone starts screaming "woah" at different times and it messes everything up. Five, six, seven, eight.

"Woah!" So far so good… first woah good. Everyone is together, Artie didn't miss his cue, he's wheeling himself out. "Woah!" Second woah good too. Artie's almost center stage. Three woahs are supposed to do it. He's supposed to be in the center by the third woah. "Woah!" Third woah great. Everyone's all together, Artie is in the center!

When the spotlight comes on, it shines a light down on Artie, who's the only one on stage right now. The big black tophat that Mr. Schue decided to make him wear looks really great. He totally looks like the ringleader.

"Ladies and gents this the moment you've waited for." Artie starts singing in his really low, gravelly voice and I'm finally excited… I'm actually excited. We're gonna kill this. We got this.

"Woah!" Fourth woah, we're good. So Artie continues.

"Been searchin' in the dark, your sweat soakin' through the floor." He wheels himself to the very front of the stage and that's the cue for Finn, Puck and Sam to come out now.

"Woah!" Fifth woah from the wings goes off without a hitch.

"And buried in your bones there's an ache that you can't ignore. Takin' your breath, stealin' your mind, and all that was real is left behind…" Artie has the crowd in his hands like putty. I just hope the other boys can pick it up like him.

The lights on the stage come on, but they're red like Mr. Schue wanted them to be so it's still kind of dark and giving that creepy vibe that he was going for at first.

"Don't fight it, it's comin' for you, runnin' at ya. It's only this moment, don't care what comes after. Your fever dream, can't you see it's gettin' closer. Just surrender 'cause you feel the feelin' takin' over!" Puck picks up with the same low kind of voice that Artie started out with and he sounded good. Okay. I'll give him that.

"It's fire, it's freedom, it's floodin' open! It's a preacher in the pulpit and your blind devotion!" Finn's voice is a little higher than they've been singing now and I want to hate him but he does sound really good… maybe I can just cheer for him as my teammate.

"There's somethin' breakin' at the brick of every wall. It's holdin' all that you know…" Sam picks up where Finn left off and the transition was seamless. Good job boys.

Now it's our turn. As soon as the boys come together and say "go", the stage is going to be flooded with all of us and it's going to light up with multicolored lights and it's going to be so magical. I kind of want to watch it from the audience.

All four boys stand in the center of the stage and I take a deep breath because I know it's coming…

"So tell me do you wanna go?!" The four of them sing in unison and that's it. That's our cue.

I follow Sugar out since she's in front of me, but I'm supposed to come out with Mercedes since she's on the opposite side of the stage. We're supposed to flood out in couples, so the second I go, Mercedes has to go. And she doesn't miss her mark, so we're all good! We're correcting so many of our mistakes from practice!

"Where it's covered in all the colored lights! Where the runaways are runnin' the night! Impossible comes true, it's takin' over you!" As soon as we're on stage all singing the chorus together as the colorful lights literally illuminate the entire performance hall, the crowd goes absolutely insane. Some people even stand up and clap for us! "Oh! This is the greatest show!"

Ringleader Artie is back in the center of the stage again with his arms in the air like he's presenting us to the audience, and Mike does a really cool toe-touch jump over his chair… which makes the crowd go wild again. And I don't know how he does it because he was even nailing it in practice and not getting tired, but somehow Mike pulls it off again. As he jumps over Artie's chair, he manages to grab the black tophat off Artie's head and puts it on his own head just as he lands on his feet. Mr. Schue says the hat is supposed to signify the passing of the torch, so it's like Mike is our new ringleader. Which just means that he has a featured part like Artie.

"It's everything you ever want!" Mike's part includes him walking the entire length of the stage with his knees up, pretending like he's twirling a baton. And when he walks, we all follow him like we're marching in a parade and he's leading us. I follow Santana down off the risers as our parade follows Mike all around the stage. "It's everything you ever need! And it's here right in front of you! This is where you wanna be! It's everything you ever want! It's everything you ever need! It's here right in front of you! This is where you wanna be! This is where you wanna be!"

Right as it should be, Mercedes ends up at the center as Mike's parade makes it's full trip around the stage. That's another part we were messing up at practice. Now matter how fast or how slow we walked, Mercedes would always end up off to the left of the stage instead of the middle by the time it was time for her to sing her run. This time, our timing is impeccable. Mercedes is in the center and we all take our places crowded around her for the next part we have to clap our hands and sing to.

"This is where you wanna be!" Mercedes nails her run like I knew she would.

On the count of one, we're supposed to start stomping and clapping to the beat. We kept messing up in rehearsal. We'll get it right this time. Five, six, seven, eight. One…

"Where it's covered in all the colored lights! Where the runaways are runnin' the night! Impossible comes true, it's takin' over you! Oh, this is the greatest show!" We all clap in rhythm with each other and it is honestly the best performance we've ever done because even the crowd starts clapping in tune with us and it's such an amazing feeling. "We light it up, we won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now. Watchin' it come true, it's takin' over you. This is the greatest show!"

This next part is the worst part of this entire song and I'm not kidding. I know it's supposed to help transition into the next song but I think it's a bunch of bullshit and I'd rather gouge out my own eyeballs and shove scissors in my ears than watch it and listen to it.

...Rachel and Finn are linked arm-in-arm and they make their way to the front of the stage to do the random stupid runs at the end of the song.

"Everything you want is right in front of you." They sing in perfect harmony and I would really like to rip everything off these fucking walls and knock all this shit over on the stage. "And you see the impossible is comin' true. And the walls can't stop us now…"

Whatever, I don't have time to dwell on it because we all have to line up. We're all supposed to line up in a straight line and join hands. I'm always between Lauren and Blaine, so I make it to my mark and grab their hands as we all sing the last parts.

"This is the greatest show! Oh! This is the greatest show! Oh! This is the greatest show! Oh!"

Ringleader Mike with the tophat pushes Artie to the front of the stage again and puts the hat back on his head, which makes some members of the audience laugh a little. Artie puts his hands up again like he's presenting us to the audience once more.

"This is the greatest show!" As he sings the last note, we all lock hands and take a bow. And I don't think there's anyone in this performance hall right now that isn't on their feet…

The lights go out so everyone except Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater and Mr. I-Can't-Get-My-Own-Girlfriend can get off the stage and back into the wings. When the lights go out, it seems like everyone cheers even louder for some reason and I can't wait for them to hear Mercedes sing her solo because she is going to blow everyone away.

The lights on the stage turn to a very soft purple and I think now would be a good time for a bathroom break for the audience. This is the worst performance we've got, nobody has to watch.

"You know I want you… it's not a secret I try to hide." Finn starts singing first and I think he sounds like shit. "I know you want me. So don't keep saying our hands are tied."

He starts walking to the opposite side of the stage, where Rachel is standing. "You claim it's not in the cards, fate is pulling you miles away and out of reach from me. But you're here in my heart, so who can stop me if I decide that you're my destiny?"

He's singing this to her. I can tell… I can see it in his eyes…

"What if we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine. Nothing could keep us apart. You'd be the one I was meant to find. It's up to you and it's up to me. No one can say what we get to be. So why don't we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world could be ours tonight." He sounds really good… I can't even deny it…

The purple spotlight switches over to Rachel and she looks so pretty and why'd she have to cheat on me? Why did she do that? Why…? I know I said I was going to stop crying over it but I can't help it. I want to cry again because why did she hurt me? I would never hurt her…

"You think it's easy… you think I don't want to run to you." She starts singing and her voice is just so angelic… why'd she cheat? I love her so much… "But there are mountains. And there are doors there we can't walk through. I know you're wondering why, because we're able to be just you and me within these walls but when we go outside, you're gonna wake up and see that it was hopeless after all…"

Okay, maybe Finn was singing to her a second ago but this is a song for me and Rachel. This is a song for us. It was literally written for us, can't you hear it? This is me and her… why does he get to sing it to her? And why did she kiss him?

"No one can rewrite the stars. How can you say you'll be mine?" She sounds so much better than him.. so much better. "Everything keeps us apart and I'm not the one you were meant to find. It's not up to you. It's not up to me. When everyone tells us what we can be. How can we rewrite the stars? Say that the world can be ours tonight…"

Their chemistry on stage is undeniable. They're in love with each other, I swear I can see it. They're so close to each other and he leans forward and she leans back. They walk around in a circle, staring each other into their souls and I really hate this. This is torture. Why do I have to watch this?

"All I want is to fly with you. All I want is to fall with you." They sing together and sound so good… "So just give me all of you."

"It feels impossible." Rachel's sings her part and pulls away from Finn just like in rehearsal.

"It's not impossible." Finn grabs her hand like in rehearsal too.

"Say that it's possible…" They sing together again and that's when my tears officially fall… "How do we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine? Nothing can keep us apart. 'Cause you are the one I was meant to find. It's up to you, and it's up to me. No one can say what we get to be. And why don't we rewrite the stars? Changing the world to be ours…"

The music slows way down and it gets really quiet as Finn approaches her and puts his hand on her cheek like he did in that rehearsal room. "You know I want you… it's not a secret I try to hide."

"But I can't have you… we're bound to break and my hands are tied." I wince as she sings the last notes because I'm halfway expecting them to kiss again…

But they don't, which I kind of knew they wouldn't. What I didn't expect is for Rachel to back away from him so quickly. As soon as the crowd starts clapping, she backs away from him and she really surprises me when she looks in the wings… at me.

And she mouths the words "I love you."

But how can I say it back to her when I just had to watch that and I know he loves her too? And I think she loves him too, maybe more than me, and I can't compete with that… they have history… so instead of saying it back, I just turn away from her and try to put her out of my head.

Mercedes' solo music starts even before Rachel and Finn are off stage and I really just want to go home. I want to go home and get in bed and just cry.

I think singing that song with him made her realize that she loves him and I can't handle that. I can't compete with Finn… I'll lose. I'll lose because they have history and he's a boy and she wasn't even sure she was gay until she met me and maybe she's not. Maybe she was just confused and this was all just a big mistake. She's not actually gay and she wants to be back with Finn. She thought she loved me because I was finally being nice to her. I bullied her and I was finally nice and she mistook that for love. She doesn't love me. She never has.

I wish we didn't have to go on stage for Mercedes' solo. I want to go somewhere and just cry. I want to throw up and then I want to cry. I know I was angry before but now I'm just sad… I really thought we were going to be happy and make it work. I really thought I found love…

"I am not a stranger to the dark…" Mercedes starts singing as she holds onto the microphone stand in the middle of the stage. "Hide away, they say. 'Cause we don't want your broken parts. I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars. Run away, they say. No one will love you as you are…"

"But I won't let them break me down to dust. I know that there's a place for us. For, we are glorious…" I'm sorry I can't cheer for you and pay attention right now, 'Cedes. You're my sister and I love you but I'm just so upset…

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down… I'm gonna send a flood, gonna down them out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be. This is me." She sounds beautiful, for what it's worth. "Look out, 'cause here I come. And I'm marching on to the beat I drum. I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me."

We're supposed to be singing the "ohhs" from backstage but I can't. I can't even bring myself to open my mouth, let alone sing…

"Another round of bullets hits my skin." I'm still watching her even though I couldn't sing her backups and she's doing really well. She's getting really into it. She's kind of owning the stage like a badass when the music speeds up, actually. "We'll fire away, 'cause today I won't let the shame sink in. We are bursting through the barricades and reaching for the sun."

We're supposed to sing "we are warriors" from backstage but again… I can't.

"Yeah, that's what we've become!" I'll tell her when we get home later that she did amazing. I just need to go somewhere and be alone right now… "I won't let them break me down to dust. I know that there's a place for us. For, we are glorious!"

"Where do you think you're going?" Santana stops me when she notices me trying to leave. "We're going out there in like, two seconds. Come on, Quinn. Get your head out of your ass. You can do this, remember?"

"I'm sorry Santana, but I can't…" I shake my head and my voice cracks. "That was… awful, how am I supposed to watch that…?"

"No one's saying you can't break down, Q. I know that was probably really hard to watch and I know it sucked. I know it did. But the team needs you. This could be our last time performing this year and you will never forgive yourself if you don't go out there. If you're not gonna do it for us, at least do it for Mercedes." She says and I don't know what it is about Santana, but something about her just puts me in check. She's right. The team needs me and Mercedes will definitely notice if I'm not there.

"And I know that I deserve your love…" Mercedes is really killing it. But this is the part where she messed up in practice and got the solo taken away… "There's nothing I'm not worthy of!" She freaking nailed it! That's my sister! And this is HER solo!

Even the crowd knows she killed it, because I hear a bunch of whistling and clapping for that one part.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down…" She starts her last chorus alone and this is whenever we need to get ready to go out. "I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. This is brave, this is bruised, this is who I'm meant to be… this is me."

Santana grabs my hand and drags me out with her when it's our time to go out and it's a good thing that we're in the back where nobody will notice me. I still can't bring myself to open my mouth and sing, but I am able to at least do the dance moves with everyone else while they chant the last chorus.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down! Send a flood and drown them out! Send a flood and drown them out! Gonna send a flood! Gonna drown them out!" Everyone chants except me.

"Oh… this is me!" Mercedes ends the song on a high note and once again, everyone in this building is up on their feet.

I look out into the crowd at all the people who loved us and all the people who — wait is that MOM AND DAD?! I have to squint my eyes to be sure. IT IS! IT IS THEM! THIS IS WHERE THEY WERE DRIVING TO THIS MORNING WHEN THEY SAID THEY COULDN'T TALK LONG! THEY CAME! THEY CAME TO SEE MERCEDES SING HER SOLO! THEY CAME TO WATCH ME STAND IN THE BACKGROUND! MOM AND DAD ARE HERE! THEYRE HERE! THEY DROVE FOUR HOURS AWAY JUST TO BE SUPPORTIVE! AND MERCEDES SEES THEM TOO! I KNOW SHE DOES BECAUSE SHE'S CRYING! THEY CAME! AND THEY HAVE FLOWERS! DAD HAS RED ROSES AND MOM HAS YELLOW ONES! THEY BROUGHT US FLOWERS! THEY CAME TO WATCH US! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY OTHER MOM AND DAD… THEY WOULD NEVER!

Oh my god… I have parents who drive four hours away to watch a stupid show choir competition… I'm shocked. I'm super shocked. And I should be happy… I should be happy about that. And I am. I am happy that I have parents who come to support me now.

But that happiness goes away when I notice Rachel looking at me again.

A/N: So, I hope you guys aren't too mad at me and I hope you understand why Rachel did what she did. It's not in character for the Rachel in love with Quinn to cheat, but I'd argue that kissing Finn is totally in character for Rachel the performer. I promise there is rationalization coming up in about chapter 63 or 64, when we get inside Rachel's head and figure out why she kissed Finn. There's no excuses coming. Just rationalization and I promise everyone will understand why she did what she did as a stage brat who does anything for the sake of drama and adding to her performances.

And as always, I highly recommend listening to the songs they sung at regionals because you'll be able to imagine the story better when I describe certain parts of the songs and also, they're just really good songs. Lol. They're all from The Greatest Showman soundtrack and they are "The Greatest Show", "Rewrite The Stars" and "This Is Me."