Chapter 75.

Sam had just ventured back into the party when he found himself confronted by Sarah. She looked at the plate in his hand and said, "That's not a lot of food."

"I'm a grazer by nature." he said, "It's all delicious."

"Have you been avoiding me?" she said.

"No, why would I do that?" he said. He smiled his most reassuring smile, knowing that she could see through Dean's mask and his was nothing like as sophisticated.

"Jack's looking at you as if you're about to catch fire." she said.

"Jack worries about us." said Sam. He searched for a distraction. Cas was watching the dance again. He looked very happy. "Cas is really enjoying himself."

"Yes. At least one of you is happy." she said.

"Meaning Dean isn't?" he said.

"Jack is anxious, Dean is afraid and you look like you killed a man."

"It's nothing. I'm just tired." he said, "What's Dean afraid of?"

"The usual, delving into the darkness, letting someone else take care of you three and your mother for once, losing his mind, becoming useless to you. Mostly the losing his mind thing. He thinks he is."

"He's not." said Sam.

"I know." she said, "He's saner than any of us. He's obsessing over the mental link he had with Castiel. He keeps thinking it's still happening, but that's not insane, is it, Sam?"

"No." he said, trying not to show how much the question shook him, "Of course he's anxious about it and every time he thinks of Cas and Cas is currently his biggest concern, he's likely to imagine the connection happening again."

"And really, his biggest concern should be you." she said.

"I'm fine." he said.

"You look haunted, my dear."

"I'm a Winchester," he said, with a laugh that sounded unconvincing even to him, "We're all a little haunted."

"You suddenly don't want to talk to me. You were the one who talked to me most easily before."

"I am talking to you." he said, "Look, this is me, talking."

"Now, you sound like Dean." she said, "Have I done something? Have you decided that you can't trust me?"

"No." he said.

"I never like one word answers. The truth can so rarely be expressed in a single word."

"Well, it can now." he said, "How can you ask if I trust you, when I am telling my brother to go to your house? By the way, taking Castiel along too might be a good idea. Less stress for both of them, Less reason for either to imagine that the connection is working again."

"That's a very good point." she said, "I'm tempted to invite all four of you. I have a feeling that might make you all more honest. Ot you might all clam up. I wish I could be sure you weren't hiding something important from me."

"Like what?" he said.

"You want a guessing game? Why not just tell me? You admitted earlier that there is something on your mind."

"There's always something on my mind." he said.

Your jaw is clenched, your shoulders are taut and you look as if you haven't slept. Wouldn't it be easier just to talk about it to someone who cares about you?"

"Dean thinks he's going crazy. We both know he isn't. I'm mildly troubled by some difficult admin. I think Dean needs to be your priority."

"Admin?" she said.

He nodded. "Admin. There are issues of confidentiality."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I'd tell you if I could." he said.

"Sam, when somebody goes from candid to closed down, it's not a change I miss."

"I know. You're very good." he said.

"Something is hurting you. Something is haunting you."

"I'm just worried about my brother." he said.

"That, at least, sounds true." she said, "But I feel there's a lot more to it."

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for Dean." he said. She couldn't say that was untrue, either.

"I know that." she said, "So is the thing bothering you something that you did for Dean?"

"Admin. I told you." he said.

"Sam, your brother has finally decided to stop lying to himself and to us and now you want to start?"

"No. That's the last thing I want." he said.

"That's true too. Do you see how easily I can tell? People have been lying to me for decades."

"Then you know that I'm not." he said.

"I'm on your side, Sam. Why are you afraid to talk to me?" She smiled kindly. "How old were you when you stopped confiding in Dean so he didn't worry about you?"

"I never completely stopped." said Sam.

"But you did limit what you told him?" she said.

"Of course I did. Dean had enough to deal with."

"As he does now?"

"Yes." said Sam.

"And you're afraid that he'll work out that you're struggling with something? He already knows, Sam and it's just adding to all the things he's worrying about."

"Just give me some time." he said.

"How much time?" she asked.

"I don't know." he said.

She patted his arm. "Don't isolate yourself, Sam. It's not healthy when Dean does it and it's not good for you either."

"I know." he said.

"If you really can't tell me, I'll stop asking, but just ask yourself once in a while, whether you can tell me after all. I'll never judge you and I won't tell anyone unless you say I can. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do." he said, "And thanks."

"But don't ever run away from me or from the others." she said, "I know it seems safer, but it's not. It's hard enough to deal with an ordinary life alone and your life is not ordinary in any way."

"I do trust you, Sarah." he said.

"Yes, I believe you do." she said, "Maybe years of self-sacrifice have left you unable to put your needs above Dean's. Just remember that I care about all of you. I'll never do anything that I think is harmful to any of you. So you can tell me anything and know that it won't hurt Dean and that it could help you."

"I'll remember that." he said.

"See that you do." she said.