A/N: I think I finally found my rhythm when it comes to doing work for school, so now I can plan to write accordingly. (Watch, I say that now, but then my professors are gonna pull a complete 180 and change the days assignments are due.) Anywho, one of my resolutions for this year is to actually get started on an original series (as I've been planning and dropping many different ideas for a while now, so this time, I finally decided on an idea). I've got a map for it finished, which took a whole day to do but it's done now, I've outlined the first five chapters, did a brain dump of major events and where I want the story to go, and even character profiles. I think I'm all set to get an original story started, finally, and I couldn't be more excited. Never fear, I will still be writing for fanfiction until this story is over :). I can't just not finish this story after this long.
Also, this month has been a real jerk to me. What a great way to start of the New Year, huh?
Thanks to Amberfall of Skyclan, Brambleflower, and WinterMelodies12 for adding this story as a favorite and/or following.
Reviews
silhouette amongst stars- Ooooooh. Yeah. Originally, I was either gonna have him die, or have him be found (and then probably killed later on by Wildfire), but I don't have the heart to kill him tbh XD. Darkpaw's done nothing wrong, and I can't do that to him (yet ;)). If he were to run across the rogues, they would most likely kill him anyways. He would've had to run across a very nice loner to take him in- since he can't really hunt for himself. Yes, the story is far from over. There's still so many major things that need to happen. But, maybe we're at the halfway mark now? I still haven't finished the outline completely, I should probably do that. You can dream, I won't stop you XD (but, uhh… no, she isn't alive. Sowwy). You know, before I made the idiotic decision to be a healthy person and start working out, I used to love the cold. Now, I absolutely hate it (cause one, I get sick, and two, I get sick). *Sigh* Why did I have to get so bored that one summer when I decided to workout?
PheonixRune- :). Yeah, don't worry, I didn't have the heart to kill him yet. Totally not a pokemon reference XD totally. That was the most amazing Ted Talk I've ever seen (read). Have a nice day!
AlderClaw (Guest)- As long as you leave a review, I'll make sure to respond to it XD. Well, it's nice to have you around :). Damn! 18 characters with full backstories? I couldn't even do that XD. I get too into a character backstory, when five hours later, I'm still working on one. You should totally make a fanfiction if you have that many characters all set and ready to go haha. No pressure though. Oh damn, well that's not a good father. Yeah, I don't think my characters have happy backstories either XD. Well, nobody's life is perfectly happy, in my opinion. There's always something that has gone wrong. Fun fact; Forestclan was originally going to be Leafclan, but uh, I thought not. You should totally make your own fanfiction; you've got characters and territories for clans. Now you just need a plot and you're all good! Ah yes, Redstar will indeed get a backstory, but that won't come until the future :) Hope you can be patient, but I do have it planned (or at least thought of). No need to apologize, I like reading people's ramblings haha. Second Review: You don't need to apologize for leaving multiple reviews, just like, don't spam so many short ones. Both Wildfire and Redstar will eventually get their own backstory chapters, so watch out for those. I wish I could post more often too, but it takes a while for me to write each chapter what with homework, writing an original series, and working out and other distractions taking up my time. I wish there was more time in the day, but what can you do? The previous Grand Royal- kind of- retires; in the past, retired Grand Royals actually made themselves into Outcasts instead. It was sort of a tradition in the past. Most of the time, if there is an Elder alive in the clans, they were most likely the previous Grand Royal. Tigergaze was never a Grand Royal, but the idea of retirement is kinda like that (they take their previous, warrior name and get rid of -star). Kits are generally born around the same time: especially for High Ranking she-cat's, they try to have kits around the same time so all of the future Grand Royal apprentices are kind of the same age. As such, the kits set to be GR apprentices are, at max, three moons apart (when comparing the oldest to the youngest). If the difference in age of the kits are super drastic, then either the Grand Royal will allow for the other ranks to participate in the running (just to get a good number for the competition), or they will just have a smaller running (though if they do this one, the number of contenders is smaller, but the amount of time they have tends to be longer and the competition is much more fierce). Great question, and I hope I answered it to your understanding.
Jaguarstar (Guest)- Hooray! *throws confetti* He lives! I couldn't kill him, so (for now) he lives. Those are nice choices, my brother wants to live in Japan one day.
Thanks to everybody who reviewed, followed, and added this story as a favorite!
Let's get started!
…
Forestclan
…
It wasn't often there was so much noise so early in the morning in the Forestclan camp, but when there was, it was loud.
And Berrypaw, having had her sleep disturbed on a day where sleep was very much needed, was seething by the time she found enough balance through the groggy haze of dreams and made her way out of her den. It baffled her how such a small amount of warriors could make such a large amount of noise, but she supposed they had learned to be louder than they were.
Pale yellow of the morning sunlight blinded her momentarily, eyes squinting against the stark contrast from the dimness of her den to the brightness of the outside world, and before Berrypaw could even revel in the fact that Leaf-bare was almost over- if the sun constantly being there was a reminder- confusion and apprehension washed over her.
There, on one side of the camp, Leafstar was standing as comfortable as usual; all relaxed slouch and playfully flicking tail tip. Someone was standing behind her, petrified from the amount of noise and quivering in fear, and the sight of the stranger sparked compassion in the Grand Royal apprentice's chest.
"This is unacceptable, Grand Royal!"
And there, standing opposing to the nonchalant leader, were the warriors. All but Addermask, who was wisely positioned somewhere in the middle and looking- for all intents and purposes- downright exhausted and just done with it all, spat and hissed and grumbled indignantly. Rosewind and Robinwing stood side-by-side with Featherfall and Ashleap, Royals and Nobles united together, with the Artisans standing just a step behind the four High Ranks and proving to be there more for show than anything else. The only current Commoner of the clan, Whitestone, was noticeably absent- perhaps in the Nursery with his mate and kit.
As Berrypaw walked ever closer, curious, she wasn't surprised to see Bramblepaw standing tall and in the center of it all. A quick scan of the clearing revealed that Cherrypaw was not there, and upon closer inspection, Berrypaw found her lounging by the roots of a tree by the barrier- out of sight and out of mind and coincidentally in the middle and behind Addermask.
"Why should we have to take in someone else's scraps? It's obvious they didn't want him anymore, why else would they exile him?"
"That scum is probably here to spy on us!"
"He should be placed in the Prisoner's Den, not allowed to be your Servant, leader."
"You've been far too lenient on them, they think they can just toss us their dirt and be done with it!"
Berrypaw's ears flattened at the ever-rising volume and droning of the warriors, complaints and shouts toppling over one another for dominance. It was hard to hear who was saying what. There was a scowl on her face that appeared before she could even comprehend it, and the Grand Royal apprentice found herself wishing to go back to her den so she could sleep. This problem wasn't directed at her- for once- so she was free to pick-and-choose sides; and if that was the case, she chose her own.
For her part, Leafstar was either unintimidated by the unified hissing and amalgamated curses, or she just wasn't listening to them. Or, she was, but she just didn't care. And when the she-cat, after a while of letting her warriors voice their endless complaints, finally stood up and single-handedly silenced everyone with her movement alone, it was obvious it was the last option.
The smile on her face never left, growing sharper and more daring by the second. It was a tease, perhaps; testing the might of her warriors with the feign promise of retaliation. Not that Leafstar would ever attack her warriors (without being prompted enough at least).
"Is that all?" The Grand Royal asked innocently, and Berrypaw couldn't stop herself from snorting in laughter and struggling to hide it when a few Artisans turned a glare in her direction. What? She wanted to ask, That was funny. The tension in the air said otherwise, and not for the first time, Berrypaw marveled at Leafstar's ability to stare at the face of those who despised her and smile at them. It was almost as if the leader was immune to feeling fear in the face of anger.
What is it like? She wondered. To always appear brave, even when you were scared. Berrypaw knew she would never know what it felt like.
From where he sat, Addermask's shoulders moved in a quiet chuckle, and the tom brought one paw up to his face to hide his silent laughter.
"Grand Royal," Bramblepaw spoke up, and just like that, Berrypaw's momentary amusement shifted into downright annoyance. Just hearing the tom, her rival, speak made her on-edge. "Your kindness to them knows no bounds; it is truly commendable, I must admit. But is it wise to simply brush away these valid concerns that our warriors burdenly bare on their shoulders? Burdens that you continue to pile on with each of your decisions without consulting us first."
"Those concerns are burdens that you have fabricated on your own," Leafstar's voice crackled in the silence, tension suffocating now that a Grand Royal apprentice spoke up against the leader and not just some High Ranking warrior. It was strange that Cherrypaw was so quiet, staring silently at the commotion before her. Berrypaw wondered what would happen if she spoke up in favor of or against the masses.
If she agreed with whatever ridiculous things they were saying, would they be nicer to her in the end? Would she finally be able to walk around camp without having to tuck her chin into her chest and have to flatten her ears to the ever-increasing harshness of their words? Could the mistakes that marked her as a Cripple, as a liability to all of Forestclan, be overseen for a while? Could she finally have peace for once in her life?
"Believe me, I hear them all, and they are questions and concerns I have already answered. I have nothing but the best interest of my clan, but I cannot turn away someone else in need- Forestclan blood or not. I have taken precautionary measures of my own, and if you weren't so quick to judge my actions and belittle your leader, you would see them. And even if you can't, even if you are too blind and too thick-headed to see them, you need only to know that they exist."
Leafstar's words were just a little harsher than they were used to, the Low Ranks immediately backing away and bowing. Cowardice in the face of their leader's agitation. With the majority gone and the number reduced to only four and Bramblepaw, the writhing anger of before was suddenly replaced with discomfort. Berrypaw felt a flicker of satisfaction at seeing the warriors who were always so quick to glare at her cower away.
Like a kit being scolded by its mother, the High Ranking warriors of Forestclan backed away a step, shuffling their paws in embarrassment and refusing to meet one another's gaze. Bramblepaw's nostrils flared, the fur along his shoulders and spine beginning to bristle, and for a moment, Berrypaw thought he was going to charge up and attack Leafstar. But even him, with all of his blinding anger and internal rage, could see he was outmatched here. Especially when Leafstar's light green eyes passed over him, stare stern and unwavering and silently demanding him to bow.
He obeyed, as reluctant as it was, and took a step back as well- defeat written in his posture. Berrypaw was glad to have chosen to stay quiet.
"Despite what you think of me, Bramblepaw, I am no fool." The tom flinched, and those standing behind him cowered down even more. Those words were as much as a harsh reassurance as they were a hidden warning. It told everyone that she knew of the blatant disrespect shown every day by their quiet- not so quiet- whisperings. She knew of the glares that burned holes into her back whenever she turned away from them, was aware of the way they obeyed every one of her orders with great reluctance.
She knew of their contempt, their growing hate towards her… She just didn't find it important enough to worry about it.
Leafstar had bigger problems to worry over.
Not for the first time in her life, Berrypaw found herself looking up to the Grand Royal in awe, longing. What she would give to be as valiant as Leafstar. Everything.
But also nothing… Because as unimpressive as Berrypaw thought herself to be, she was still undoubtedly herself and that's all that mattered.
"Rest assured everyone," Addermask finally spoke up, tone conditioned to be boisterous from seasons of being the lead Royal. The tom may be aging, but his voice still held the youthful intensity his position required. "Our Grand Royal is aware of what she is doing with every decision she makes. There is no choice acted upon without careful consideration on her part. The young Servant shall serve her until she says otherwise. If any of you have any more complaints or woes-"
"You're welcomed to challenge me directly."
Berrypaw grimaced, along with everyone else in the clearing. Even with their combined aggravation, none of the warriors were brave enough to start a fight with Leafstar. Especially because so much time had passed since the arguments started, and the Grand Royal had been quiet for a reason. No doubt, she already had a plan to defeat everyone in the clearing one-on-one, two-on-one, or if everyone decided to charge forward. If the warriors had been brave enough to challenge her, they had made a critical error in giving the strategist the one thing she needed to win;
Time.
Once again, Berrypaw felt like laughing, but this time, she did nothing to hide it. Especially so when the warriors didn't even bother to turn a glare in her direction because of their overwhelming embarrassment. Quiet enveloped the clearing in its grasp, the sun rising ever higher in the cloudless blue sky, and it was obvious that no one was going to take Leafstar up on that offer.
"From this moment on and until I say otherwise, Darkpaw will be my Servant and will be welcomed to Forestclan, where he will be safe." Another warning from the leader; he is not to be injured as long as he is here. Berrypaw prayed for anybody who would go against Leafstar's silent order: don't touch him. "You are all dismissed."
But that name… Darkpaw. Isn't that Flarepaw's father's Servant? What was he doing here of all places? Her little spitfire had talked on a few occasions how she quite enjoyed the company of the timid tom. How she constantly wished there was something she could do to make his life as a Servant easier. Even those few times she spoke of him, Berrypaw could tell the Blazeclan Grand Royal apprentice cared about the black-furred tom.
Glancing towards him, Berrypaw could see a very distressed frown on his face as he cowered behind the shoulder of Leafstar. His body was crouched low to the ground, paws of dark grey shuffling in a nervous rhythm. His dark green gaze shifted constantly from new face to new face, warrior to warrior, and only when Leafstar turned to face him did he focus on her.
With the dismissal from the leader, most of the warriors excused themselves to go hunting or patrolling or taking their apprentices out. Bramblepaw, livid as ever, merely grunted before storming out of camp- no doubt to do some last-minute training before their trial in the night. Right. The logical thing for Berrypaw to do would be to follow in the tom's pawsteps and go train as well (even if her chances of actually winning were nonexistent). Later. It was only morning now, after all, she had plenty of time.
She wanted to go and introduce herself to Darkpaw, but something told her that the scared Servant wouldn't take too kindly to a Grand Royal apprentice- Crippled or not- popping up in his face and saying "hi." If Leafstar had found him last night, he still looked nervous to even talk to her.
I'll find time to talk to him later. Any friend of Flarepaw's was a friend of hers, and Berrypaw could always use a new friend. All things considered.
Speaking of friends. Her ploy to try and get Thornpaw to cooperate with her and Blossomleaf's instructions had just begun and already she was exceedingly frustrated with the stubborn tom. He truly was content to just… lie there. Wilting away doing absolutely nothing. She never knew he could be so harsh, yet, Berrypaw found his curses to be the ones that hurt the most. Maybe it was because it was Thornpaw saying them that made it hurt so much more, but the blue-furred she-cat thought that if the warriors wanted to continue causing her pain with just words- they should take a note from Spike.
Keep trying. Today was a new day after all… If possibly her last day as an official Grand Royal apprentice. The she-cat shook those thoughts from her head, ears straining to flatten against her head even as she didn't allow them before turning to walk in the direction of the Medicine Cat den. Today is a new day.
"Going to see your Crippled little mate?"
"Don't you have someone else to go and bother?" Berrypaw immediately scowled at the face of a smirking Heatherpaw, "or do you like me so much you feel the need to talk to me every day?"
"Don't be so full of yourself," the cream-colored apprentice rolled her eyes, "or is that just a defense mechanism?"
Berrypaw scoffed before walking past the nuisance, shoulders bumping roughly and knocking Heatherpaw back a step. The blue-furred apprentice smirked to herself at the Royal's deepening scowl, shooting a small warning glance to where Swiftpaw hovered nearby- ever the loyal shadow. For her part, the light grey apprentice remained quiet as usual. It made one wonder if the she-cat ever talked. The Grand Royal apprentice attempted to walk quickly to her destination, but she was never quick enough.
"After tonight, you'll be just like him. A useless Cripple who serves no other purpose other than to take up resources. No place will be safe for you."
Berrypaw paused in her steps, blowing out a heavy sigh with a shake of her head. It's not anything she hadn't already heard before. Hadn't already thought of before. The only protection she had at the moment against everyone was her rank, as useless as it was. The title of Grand Royal apprentice not only demanded respect but required it. The stares and glares and harsh whispers were only the beginning- she wouldn't be surprised if, come tomorrow, the warriors started to attack her just for the fun of it. The only thing keeping them from attacking Thornpaw was because the tom was never out of the Medicine Cat den- and suddenly, Berrypaw understood why he stayed there.
No place is completely safe. Blossomleaf could only allow so much leeway for the blind tom; eventually, he would have to leave the den to make space for those with actual emergencies (and it's not like Berrypaw could give him her assigned den in there; after tonight, it wouldn't be hers anymore).
It would be them two against the whole of Forestclan- and with the way things were going, it would only be her against the whole of Forestclan.
"Go ahead and keep saying that," Berrypaw spoke in a low tone, exhausted even though she had just woken up. She was tired of hearing the same thing over and over again with different voices. I know! She wanted to scream; I know I'm useless now, so just stop reminding me "The fact of the matter is, I'm not the one that needs to bully a Cripple to make herself feel better. Is your life really that sad, Heatherpaw?"
"Why you little-"
"Heatherpaw! Swiftpaw!" Both of the Royals turned at the call of their names, Berrypaw keeping her gaze on the two and simply flicking her ear in the direction Addermask's booming voice came from. Swiftpaw flinched at the sight of her mentor, sending a nervous glance to her counterpart before obediently beginning to walk in his direction. Heatherpaw was less inclined to follow, but eventually, she did… only after sending a heated glare in Berrypaw's direction (which the Grand Royal apprentice may or may not have stuck her tongue out in response).
Turning a glance in the lead Royal's direction, Berrypaw gave a small nod of gratitude; and before she could see if he returned it or not, she was already turning in the direction of the Medicine Cat den. Dealing with the stuck-up she-cat always fouled her mood, and considering she was about to (most likely) take another round of verbal beating from an apathetic and angry Thornpaw, it wasn't a good sign. Perhaps she should've taken a moment to cool down, but Berrypaw knew that if she did, she would take forever on purpose just so she wouldn't show up.
"Ah, Grand Royal Berrypaw. Good morning." Blossomleaf, ever the chipper she-cat that she was, was too much bright grins and hopeful looks for Berrypaw to deal with at the moment. Closing her eyes, the Grand Royal apprentice took in a deep breath, holding it for a few purposeful seconds before letting it go. The earthy scent of the herbs always did wonders to help her relax. They told her; you're safe here. Even if that surefire safety was only temporary, it was better than nothing.
In a world full of danger and heartache, it was always nice to have a safe haven somewhere. The Medicine Cat den just happened to be hers.
"Morning," Berrypaw gave the Medicine Cat the best smile she could muster at the moment. It might not have been much, especially compared to the lively healer, but hey, at least she could say she tried. "Lotta commotion so early today, huh?"
Blossomleaf gave a withering sigh, smile flickering away for only a moment and replaced with a grimace. "I know. The moment the Grand Royal came to me last night with him, I knew there would be an excessive amount of yelling this morning. Anymore favors to someone even remotely from Blazeclan and our warriors will nearly be ready to scalp her if she isn't careful."
Well, they can try. Berrypaw didn't know if they would get very far, but the warriors could certainly try to attack Leafstar.
"Do you know why he's here all of a sudden?" The apprentice asked, "Did… who was his Master again?… Wildfire; did he send him here?"
Blossomleaf gave a slow shrug. "He's been exiled for some reason, but whenever asked, all he says is that he absolutely can't go back. He seemed… terrified."
Strange. Berrypaw frowned in confusion, brows furrowing. Does Flarepaw know about this?
"Well, what's done is done," Blossomleaf sighed, giving a single shake of her head. "Either our warriors need to learn to accept that, or there will only be more problems in the future. Unfortunately for us, pride is a fickle thing. It seems that we all need to learn to let go of a grudge from time to time."
Tell me about it. Berrypaw grunted in agreement before taking a deep breath. Preparing herself for the task ahead.
"Is he awake?" Just like that, her nerves returned with a vengeance; heart fluttering anxiously in her chest in an uncomfortable motion. The fur on the back of her neck rose slightly, and Berrypaw wanted nothing more than to turn back around in that moment and leave to do… something. She didn't know, probably to go train. Or go back to sleep. The latter sounded more tempting.
Strangely enough, Blossomleaf's smile returned this time before she gave her answer. "He did… and whatever it is you've been doing, it seems to be working."
Huh? "What do you mean?"
"I mean, whenever he thinks I'm not looking, he steps out of his nest. Just a little bit, and he's very hesitant but… It's progress." Berrypaw's heart skipped a beat as light green eyes met hers, hope and relief radiating from them. "He's trying, Berrypaw. And, he even began asking for seconds instead of only nibbling on the prey I bring him."
Berrypaw didn't know whether to smile or not. Because yes, she was happy. Ecstatic even. Her mission, the favor she had made to Blossomleaf, was to make Thornpaw try. To coax him out of his existential slump and make him at least get some fresh air. Slowly but surely, she was succeeding.
Whatever it is you've been doing seems to be working. She's been letting herself be a target for his harsh words, rants, and venting. Receiving all of them with as little as a response back as possible. Sometimes she would snap back at him, sometimes they would delve into a shouting contest- but only when Blossomleaf wasn't around.
He was only getting better because he was letting everything out at her; all of his anger and sadness and bitterness and regrets and guilt and blame.
"That's…" For some reason, despite her happiness, there was also a flicker of pain in her chest because of it. "That's good. I'll just… keep it up, then."
But she would remain steadfast and strong; because this wasn't about what she needed. This was about helping Thornpaw regain his balance, to find his path once more or even create a new one for him to walk on.
If their situations were reversed, there was no doubt in her mind that he would do the same for her.
Still…
It hurt.
"I'll go see him now," Berrypaw murmured before beginning to walk past the Medicine Cat.
"Oh but, isn't today your trial, Grand Royal Berrypaw?" Blossomleaf questioned, a small frown on her face that only grew when the blue-furred apprentice sent her a saddened smile in response.
"There's still plenty of daylight left. I'll be fine." And it's not like any of the mentors will help me. She was left to herself once again. And Leafstar, on days of a trial, was forbidden from helping the apprentices to do last-minute training.
Besides, it's not like I'll pass anyway.
Before Blossomleaf could question her further, Berrypaw sped-walked into the other room, Spike's nest immediately entering her vision with the tom sitting up and kneading the material slowly with his paws. He did that often, she noticed; just feeling the ground beneath him, hearing the slow crinkling from the dry vegetation.
But upon hearing her approaching, Thornpaw immediately stopped and flattened his ears, head turning in her direction as a scowl pulled at his lips. It was funny just how instantaneous he was to go on the attack whenever she showed up. That was fine though; Berrypaw had already prepared herself to go on the defense. This was a battle of emotional endurance; the question was, what would last longer?
Berrypaw's limited patience and trembling stability, or Thornpaw's gut-churning anger and scathing sadness?
Only time could tell.
"Even today you're here?"
"I told you I'll just keep coming back," Berrypaw scoffed, rolling her eyes even though he couldn't notice. "Besides, it's just a normal day."
"Just a normal day? Seriously?" Thornpaw's scowl deepened in disbelief. "Today is probably the most important day in your life and you're going to throw it away all for what? Because you'd rather be lazy with yourself and-"
"In case you've forgotten, I'm technically a Cripple too." The scar along her side twinged in a reminder, and not for the first time, Berrypaw cursed it. "It'll be smarter for me to save my energy until tonight and not overwork myself until it hurts to even breathe. I'm as prepared as I can be, all things considered. So no, I'm not being lazy, and no, this isn't the most important day in my life. Not anymore... Now, do you want to keep picking apart all my flaws for the next hour and then give me the silent treatment until I leave you alone, or do you just want to go straight to the silent treatment today?"
Perhaps those were the harshest words she had said in response to something he spat, but could you blame her? The warriors woke her up earlier than she would've wanted to with their yelling, she was in a bad mood already.
The tom remained in stunned silence for a few moments, long enough for her to consider just up and leaving now, but Berrypaw knew she wouldn't forgive herself for leaving so quickly.
"Why does it sound like you've already settled for failure?" Thornpaw spoke up eventually, voice calmer than any recent conversation that they've had but still accusatory.
Berrypaw stared at him for a few seconds before snorting to herself. "Everyone's already decided I've failed, what's me too, huh?"
"So you're just going to quit before the race even begins?" His scowl returned, but it was more out of bitter disbelief than anything else. "That's not like you, Berrypaw."
"No, it isn't." She shrugged helplessly. "But, what can you do? Even the Commoners have given up on me, just so they could feel like they fit in with the High Ranks. I have my paws tied here, there's nothing more I can do. If I train right now, most likely, I'll end up exerting myself too much and I won't be able to last long enough to do the trial. I can only do so much in one day before it begins to hurt, I've tested myself already. If I just rest and go on a short walk, maybe I'll be able to do the test. I also have to factor in the possibility of how many warriors I'll have to end up fighting on the way to camp, the chances of running into either Bramblepaw or Cherrypaw and even the danger of coming across Grand Royal Leafstar. If luck is on my side tonight, I'll only run into one or two warriors and make it to camp before anyone else can find me. If it isn't- which, with my track record, it most likely won't- well… I'm screwed."
Berrypaw chuckled sadly, glancing down at her own paws and feeling disappointment boiling within her. "I can't fight or run as long as I used to before. I climb one tree and it already feels uncomfortable, and it's worse when it's cold. The pain… I can try and work through the pain that appears, but Blossomleaf also warned me of the potential of making it worse in the long run, so do I really want to risk it for a test I already know I'm going to fail? Because between you and me, as far as anyone is concerned, I've already lost my rank. By votes alone, I won't make it."
The she-cat didn't want to look up to meet his gaze, to see the scars, so instead, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes with a heavy sigh. "I suppose this is what I deserve, don't I? Because I lost in my own home, my own territory- twice. So, yes; I'm quitting before the race even begins because there's no possible way I can win."
"...You've… thought this through." Thornpaw murmured, ears no longer flattened but drooping in an obvious display of sadness. "You've thought everything through."
Berrypaw smiled sadly. "You get plenty of time to think when you're forced to do nothing… Though, you already know that, don't you?"
She didn't know it could be so satisfying to watch him flinch at her words, but it was. The beginnings of guilt and regret began to paint themselves on his face, and good: maybe this would make him start to think twice about himself.
"Don't get me wrong," Berrypaw sighed eventually, "I'm still going to try. Who knows? Maybe I can pull off a miracle for once… But… If I can't… Is it really the worst thing in the world?"
"You don't want to fail, Berrypaw."
"You're right, I don't," she shrugged to herself, "but I've prepared myself enough to accept it if I do."
My heart will be safe from feeling that pain. She made herself numb to it long ago by accepting that reality, and now, it was only an obvious fact of nature.
The two remained completely silent after her words, Thornpaw frowning to himself and the she-cat staring off into space. How did it come to this? So long ago, as orphans and friends, she didn't think this would be possible. For her and Spike to be Crippled, for Heatherpaw and Swiftpaw to step all over her whenever given the chance, for Mothpaw not to care about them, for Bramblepaw to despise her, for Cherrypaw to want her gone.
She missed the days where they were all friends; all brought together by the pain of losing their parents (and, for Cherrypaw, the pain of being truly alone in a world where she was surrounded by others at all times). The days where they can smile and laugh and bicker to their heart's content, the days where the warriors left them alone so they could have their fun and they didn't consider themselves rivals.
The days where she truly was safe and happy.
She wondered when it all went wrong, or if it had always been this toxic and all she had known back then was a fake cover-up to the harshness of reality.
"Your parents would be proud of you."
Berrypaw took in a harsh breath, eyes focusing on the tom before her. The topic of parents- of mothers and fathers who were permanently gone- had been taboo for them, all of them. Though, she relented, today was technically a special day.
"...Would they?" She often wondered if they would. Would her mother, whose name and face she's forgotten but whose scent still seemed to linger in her mind, smile at her and tell her it's okay? That, one day, her pain would be gone and Berrypaw only needed to keep moving forward. Would her father, who she remembered less of, be a constant support to his Crippled daughter? Would he try to find ways to help her condition, or would he never even give her a second thought?
"I think so…" Thornpaw murmured, both of their voices mere whispers in the silent room. "I think it's better if you believe they would."
Maybe. Or maybe just thinking about what she could never have would only make it worse.
After all, what was there to be proud of from her? She was a Cripple who was just trying to get through the day.
"Try your hardest, Blue." Thornpaw gave a shaky smile. "Give them a fight they'll regret starting."
Berrypaw let out a small laugh, smile bitter to herself, but that was fine. Even just hearing that nickname made her just the slightest bit happier. Progress. Kitten steps.
Today was a new day, and so was tomorrow.
"I'll try."
Even if that was the only thing she could do.
…
Blazeclan
…
"I heard that they are the ones from the rumors recently; how Stormclan and Forestclan have been attacked already? They single-handedly wreaked havoc with them."
"That just goes to show how much stronger our apprentices are; Grand Royal Flarepaw puts all of them to shame."
"I was starting to get worried about her- concerning herself over nothing. But she's still in this race."
"Capturing a prisoner who's been attacking the clans: Grand Royal Gingerpaw is going to have to come up with something to outrank this."
It was a strange occurrence, to be ordered into the middle of camp so early in the morning. And from what Sootpaw could tell, as soon as he grumpily stepped out of the Medicine Cat den, whatever was going on had been happening since last night. A few of the Royals seemed to be nodding off, seconds away from passing out then and there, and it was surprising to see the Artisans taking control of the conversations.
The warriors and apprentices of Blazeclan seemed to be hovering where the hole in the ground that led to the Prisoner's Den was. There was a steady stream of hushed whispers, of inclined heads and shared gossip between one another. The Artisans seemed to be exceptionally delighted at getting the chance to converse with the High Ranks- the Commoners still noticeably on the outside of the circle and glancing at one another nervously. They, too, were talking, but only amongst one another.
"Busy morning," the light grey tom flicked his ear and turned his head in the direction where Sagepaw stood, blinking away the remnants of sleep and sending the Commoner a nod in greeting. Sootpaw hesitated only slightly before returning it. "What'd I miss?"
"Apparently," Sootpaw murmured, taking in a deep and rejuvenating breath, "we have a new Prisoner. Flarepaw and Emberpaw brought them in last night; they've been in there since."
"Who else is in there?"
"The Grand Royal, Wildfire and Tigergaze, and Roseberry." Sootpaw wrinkled his nose, remembering his time where he had been in the Prisoner's Den to 'watch over' their captives. Tigergaze was always in charge of taking care of and dealing out punishments to Prisoners, and the recent release of Turbo meant there hadn't been anybody there since. Until now. Wildfire was only there because he was the current lead Royal.
"Hmm…" Sagepaw frowned to himself, eyes sparkling with curiosity as he sent a glance over the heads of the ones in front of them. "They must be the ones from the rumors. Does anybody know their name?"
"It's just been mindless gossip," Sootpaw grunted, "as usual." The only thing our clan is good at, apparently. One day, just one day Sootpaw wanted there to be zero gossip or harsh words or unrealistic rumors spread. Just one day, was that too much to ask?
When it's not one thing, it's another. And now this will give them fuel for weeks.
"It's… quiet." Sagepaw pointed out, turning his gaze to the Commoner at his side. "Was there… umm-"
"Screaming?" The light grey tom raised a brow. The only reason anybody was still in there with the prisoner would be if they were interrogating them. Torture was Tigergaze's specialty, after all, so for it to be completely quiet for so long… "No. Not since I've been here. I doubt since last night either."
Either the Prisoner was already dead, or they had a great deal of tolerance to pain.
"Well, let's hope they're almost done. I doubt Flarepaw got any sleep since yesterday."
"No, she hasn't." Her absence from camp had only made his worry grow the longer time had passed, and while Sootpaw had been ordered to get some rest, he couldn't shut off his mind. That, maybe she was still out there, looking for Darkpaw, so he should be doing the same. Or, maybe Wildfire had gotten to her while she was alone and vulnerable and was punishing her for disobeying. Or, the pressure of everything piling on top of her had finally been too much and she had left.
It gave him some peace of mind, however slight, to know that she was in there and not in the middle of nowhere.
She isn't the one that needs protection…
You are.
"Do you think there's a reason this rogue attacked the other clans?" He didn't know he had spoken out loud, not until Sagepaw was looking at him curiously with a tilt of his head. Maybe he was just weirded out at the fact that Sootpaw was the one to, essentially, gossip about the prisoner. "Like… What if they're taking orders from someone? Or, I don't know, doing it for survival?"
"Rogues work alone," Sagepaw murmured, green eyes far away and deep in thought. "Most of the time. If they are just following orders, the question is; who's the one giving the orders? And why? Why target us and not another group of cats?"
"Other group?" Sootpaw furrowed his brow, "you mean, there are other groups of cats besides the clans?"
Sagepaw blinked at him before giving a sheepish smile and a shrug. "Ah, it's just a theory. I mean, come on; we can't be that self-centered to believe we're the only ones in this world. We just live in one part of it, believing it doesn't extend much farther than the borders of our territory. There has to be so much undiscovered territory outside of those borders… and there has to be more than just us out there. Who knows? Maybe just past the mountains behind Stormclan or the ravine of our territory, there are other clans out there. Maybe just like us, or maybe with a completely different way of living."
A completely different way of living. Meaning a clan without a hierarchy system; without the limitations of a rank and the constriction of a title. Without Nobles who attacked Commoners for no reason, without Royals who ordered their Servants into exile and threatened on taking their life, without having to hide who you loved from the world because you aren't from different standings.
A safe world. He could see it now; being able to talk and share tongues and just be with Flarepaw wherever they wanted to, being able to train equally with the others instead of being pushed aside with nothing but the bare basics to survive off of. No scornful glares or harsh curses or painful rumors, no more having to sneak around. No more Wildfire who wanted to put him and his daughter in their place, to force them into their positions through heartache alone. A free world.
Yeah right. Sootpaw erased the smile on his face, returning his focus to the task at hand. Like such a world could actually exist. And if it does…
We're not living in it.
So there was no hope of dreaming about it.
"That's quite a theory you got there," Sootpaw humored the Noble, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. Sagepaw let out a huff as he glanced up towards the morning sky, smiling to himself.
"It is. And one day, I'll prove it." The tom with grey fur of differing shades hummed to himself. "Somehow."
"I'll believe it when I see it."
Sagepaw opened his mouth, no doubt to continue in their banter, but the atmosphere suddenly shifted from passive questioning to suffocating curiosity all at once. Those that stood in front of them- because Sootpaw always chose to sit in the far back of the crowd- turned from facing one another to facing the front, paws kneading the ground with the restraint to hold themselves back from bombarding those exiting from the Prisoner's Den with queries.
Wildfire was first; eyes narrowed and ears flattened against his head as he appeared to be deep in troubled thought. That expression always appeared whenever something didn't go the way he had wanted it to. Tigergaze was after him, face carefully neutral despite the obvious annoyance to his frown. Perhaps he was just disappointed the Prisoner hadn't been a screamer.
Emberpaw and Flarepaw exited soon after, a few brave warriors congratulating the Grand Royal apprentice on her great job. Sootpaw frowned at the sight of her; exhaustion was written clearly on her features and she made no move to hide it. Emberpaw, bless her soul, was making a valiant effort to both keep the other she-cat upright, as well as hiding her fatigue from the others.
Still, despite how tired she looked, Sootpaw was glad to see that she was safe. She was here, which meant she was okay. Wildfire hadn't scared her off, she wasn't off who knows where in search of Darkpaw, she wasn't overworking herself with extra training. She was safe.
"I understand you may all have questions," Sootpaw hadn't even noticed Redstar leaving the Prisoner's Den, his eyes only on Flarepaw as Roseberry escorted the two apprentices to the Medicine Cat's Den. The Commoner was tempted to follow them, as was Sagepaw at his side, but something told him this was important. "And while I cannot answer them right now, just know that I am doing everything in my power to address this problem.
As many of you are aware of, almost a moon ago now, our lead Royal Whiteshadow was sent away on a mission. For those of you who were alive during the massacres will understand who our opponent may be, but for the newer generation, allow me to explain. When our warriors were apprentices, unprecedented trouble appeared during our run for leader. Grand Royal apprentices were targeted by a small group of rogues believed to belong to a much larger one; many had been injured, and even a few had been lost. And it wasn't just from Blazeclan. Our neighbors, too, suffered the same fate- Forestclan taking the worst of it towards the end. Whiteshadow was once a part of this group- a rogue before I took him in and gave him a chance to not only prove his worth but also, to redeem himself.
"And now, our problem seems to be returning once more. Stormclan and Forestclan have already been attacked; thankfully, with only one casualty in Stormclan, but both have suffered grievous wounds from it. Following that trend, it is an obvious conclusion to believe that we will be next. I have sent Whiteshadow to scout out our enemy from a distance, the one I predict to be in charge of it all, and we await his return to take any further action in that regard. But these rogues now, the ones currently nearby, are our most pressing concern. The Prisoner that Grand Royal Flarepaw and Royal Emberpaw brought in last night is believed to be part of the smaller group that is nearby, and we are working towards forcing answers out of her.
"Until we can find where they are located, I advise each and every one of you to always be on your guard whenever leaving camp. Do not wander around at night, and do not ever leave by yourself. If you happen to run into more rogues, attempt to restrain them and bring them here for questioning, or at the very least, do be careful when facing them. I do not wish to have any casualties here- if the situation calls for it, you are given permission to kill; but only if there is no other option. Am I understood?"
The clan immediately responded with a unified shout of, "yes, Grand Royal!"
Even though Sootpaw was still trying to wrap his mind around it all, he did the same. Whiteshadow… was a rogue? The idea baffled him because someone as skilled as the white-furred tom with near-pale eyes could only be born into that role. And he's scouting the enemy. His old family. That must be hard for him.
Betraying those you once called a family.
"You heard the Grand Royal," Wildfire took control of the situation, effectively capturing everyone's attention with a single shout. "We have our mission to capture those who dare to trespass on our land and tarnish the name of the clans. Let's show them our might and make them regret ever deciding to pick a fight with Blazeclan!"
All around, Sootpaw damn near became deaf with the volume of the cheering surrounding him. A few of the warriors even jumped into the air, excitement tinged with bloodlust and anticipation painting the air in an intoxicating tension. Many already left camp, the High Ranks especially thrilled at the idea of tracking and capturing even more rogues. They had gone too long without a fight, it seemed; Leaf-bare was always a tense time of peace against the clans because casualties were always heavier then. And now, it was a golden opportunity to dust off their skills in a real fight.
Heady, the Commoner took in a deep breath before his eyes found Flarepaw's again. Her silver eyes were darkened with both exhaustion and deep-thinking, eyeing her father before looking back in the direction of the Prisoner's Den. Sootpaw was curious to ask what happened while she was in there, but something told him now wasn't the time or the place.
When her wandering gaze finally found him, he mustered the best reassuring smile he could at the moment. His efforts weren't in vain, however, because he could just barely see a small pull to her lips before she gave him a single nod- turning away once Roseberry addressed her and following the Medicine Cat and Emberpaw to the healer's den. Perhaps just for precautionary purposes, they had to get checked up on, because from where he sat, Sootpaw couldn't see any wounds on either of the she-cats. Just exhaustion. She's safe.
She's okay.
"Sootpaw," turning away, the Commoner apprentice felt himself perk to attention at the sight of his mentor standing behind him. Thornblaze was as tall as ever, bulky with strength even if he was skinnier from the season. His smile was kind, though there was the usual concern in his eyes as he glanced over the cobwebs on his apprentice's body. The tom was always such a worrywart. "Are you well enough to go on a patrol? We'll be following in the pawsteps of the High Ranks in search of these rogues, though I don't suspect we'll encounter them." And even if we do, our Royals and Nobles are wandering around, so we're not entirely alone.
"Sure!" Sootpaw chirped before glancing momentarily at Sagepaw, who had yet to leave his side. "I'll talk to you later, can you…?" The Commoner jerked his head in the direction of the Medicine Cat's den, silently asking the Noble to go keep an eye on Flarepaw.
Sagepaw chuckled before giving a nod, murmuring a farewell to Thornblaze as well before wandering to the den. Sootpaw watched him leave for a few seconds, briefly wishing he could go with him, before shaking his head and turning to his mentor.
With a bright smile, the tom met Thornblaze's dark amber gaze.
"Let's go!"
…
"You really should be careful, Sootpaw."
"I know, Thornblaze." You tell me all the time. Sootpaw let out a long-suffering sigh as he glanced around; keeping his eyes open for any traces of trespassers. As per usual in their mentor-apprentice relationship, the Commoner warrior had spent a majority of the time fussing over his apprentice's new scars and covered wounds. While Sootpaw did his best to reassure him every single time.
The two had just been wandering around a wide stretch of the territory so far, occasionally running into the individual High Ranks who were scouring every single inch of the oak forest. Sootpaw grumbled how the trails in the snow they left behind would make it even harder.
"I just worry about you," Thornblaze spoke up again, glancing at the shorter tom out of the corner of his eye. "Stars know you don't worry about yourself enough."
Sootpaw grimaced to himself before sending his mentor a cheeky smirk. "Save your worry for your kit. Speaking of, do you know when they'll be born?"
Not his best method at diverting Thornblaze's attention elsewhere and the dark brown tom was quick to point that out with slightly narrowed eyes. "You're trying to change the subject."
"Is it working?"
"..." The taller tom let out a short sigh before chuckling to himself, and Sootpaw felt himself smile in amusement. Victory. "They should be born any day now. Roseberry told me to start staying in the Nursery with Feathersong in case it happens during the night."
"Are you excited?" Because thinking about it, Sootpaw was about ready to start jumping up and down with his burning anticipation. Thornblaze had always been like a father to him, so these kits- kit, he reminded himself, there can only be one kit- would be like a sibling to him. Even without seeing them, he vowed to be the best big brother he could be and protect them at all costs.
Who knows? Maybe he could even mentor them one day.
"Nervous," Thornblaze relented with a smile that showed just how nervous he actually was, "but yes, I'm excited. I want to be a good father… and I think watching over you these last few moons have given me a bit of experience. Though, I suppose, being a mentor is different than being a father."
"They're not that different," Sootpaw hummed as he tilted his head back, glancing up towards the cloudless blue sky. "At least, I think so. Both a mentor and a father care about whoever they're watching over, they teach important lessons, and they both take responsibility for the mistakes of their kits or apprentice."
"I suppose so," Thornblaze murmured to himself, and it was a bit jarring for the apprentice to see his stalwart mentor so unsure of himself.
"You'll be a great dad," Sootpaw stepped a bit closer, bumping their shoulders together and giving him another bright smile. "And you always have me to help watch over the little rascal. I'll be happy to teach them nothing but the best pranks out there."
"Oh dear," the dark brown tom chuckled with a growing smile, "maybe it'd be best to keep them away from you, hmm?"
"Nonsense!" Sootpaw shouted with a feigned offense. "I'll be the best caretaker out there. We'll have so much fun. Oh! Do you have any names in mind?"
"Well, I was going to let Feathersong have the final pick; she's the one who has to suffer from the pain, so I think she should have the right to choose a name."
"How honorable."
"But…" Thornblaze's smile grew softer, the two coming to a momentary halt, and Sootpaw couldn't help but feel happy for him. The dreamy expression on the tom's face… Would Sootpaw ever have a chance to feel like that? To be a father? The apprentice quickly shook those thoughts away. "If it's a she-kit, I wanted to name her Lilykit. They're, umm, Feathersong's favorite flowers. And if it's a tom, I'm split on two names; one would be after my father, Beechthorn, because I'd like for his name to live on. It… will also be an homage to our old territory." The beech tree forest.
There were rare moments that Sootpaw missed the old territory; unlike some others, he had quickly grown accustomed to the oak forest and all it had to offer. But there were moments, however fleeting, that he missed the mystical way the branches were shaped towards the sky, intertwined with one another as if they were holding hands. Sometimes, he missed it.
Most of the time, however, the oak forest was his safe haven.
"Alright, Beechkit. That's nice. What's the other name?"
Thornblaze was quiet for a few moments longer than Sootpaw would've suspected, but the intensity of those dark amber eyes made him pause as well. Curiously, he tilted his head in silent question. The mentor smiled delicately, sincerely.
"Sootkit." A gentle chuckle. "After my troublesome apprentice."
The apprentice sharply inhaled, eyes going wide for a few seconds and he thought for sure his heart stopped beating for longer than was probably safe. After me. Sootpaw… was not expecting that, and he was struggling to contemplate it. How does one understand that? To be cared for, loved by someone so much that they would name their own kit after you?
It was an honor that, quite frankly, Sootpaw didn't think he had earned.
"That's… uh," Sootpaw cleared his throat, quivering as his voice was and blinking away unexpected tears. His smile was strained and teary, but no less happy. "That's a… nice name, too. Sounds like you have a tough decision to make."
"Hmm, that I do," Thornblaze nodded, humming to himself as he sent his apprentice a comforting smile. "But, that's enough about me. What about you?"
Sootpaw blinked before tilting his head. "What about me?"
"Come on, you're almost done with your apprenticeship." Thornblaze pointed out, and it was with a start that Sootpaw realized he was right. It's right around the corner. Who knew time would go by so fast when you were fighting a mental and physical battle with your mate's father? "You'll be a warrior soon. Do you ever think about having a family?"
"Aren't I a bit too young?"
"Not really," Thornblaze shrugged. "There's no harm in waiting either, but a lot of new warriors want to start a family early so they'll have more time with them."
"Well," Sootpaw let out a breath, looking down at his paws before shuffling them uncomfortably. He never really had these kinds of conversations with anyone. In actuality, it never even occurred to him to think about these things. "I've never really thought about it much. Just been… focused on… stuff."
Surviving, he wanted to say, but couldn't, I've been focused on surviving against the High Ranks.
"Do you want a family one day?" Thornblaze questioned with genuine curiosity. "Maybe not so soon, but... one day?"
Instead of taking the time to truly think about it, Sootpaw did what he did best. Speaking from his gut.
"A part of me says no… Most of me says no, actually." The tom's gaze turned distant the longer he spoke. "I don't… I'm not really comfortable with the idea of bringing a life into this world when it isn't… the best place to be in. I don't want to have kits until something changes, until the system changes, because that unborn life deserves better than… this. It isn't safe here for them, especially with what rank I'm in. Umm… no offense."
"None taken," Thornblaze shook his head gently, "and I understand. But you said only a part of you says no… What about the part that says yes?"
"I mean… I don't know. Things are changing every day. Mindsets, too, can be changed. Who knows? Maybe one day, our system will be no more. Maybe… I'll deem the world safe enough for me to want to have kits." But not today. And not tomorrow.
But… one day.
Maybe.
The two remained quiet for a few heartbeats, Thornblaze nodding gently with understanding and Sootpaw shuffling the weight on his paws. In an attempt to lighten the mood that he brought down, the apprentice let out a scoff as he smiled.
"And also, I don't know if you realize this, but there aren't many Commoner she-cats who like me like me."
"Mousepaw?"
Sootpaw snorted with laughter, "Adderpaw and her are basically together, they just haven't admitted it to themselves."
"I'm sure someone is willing, Sootpaw," Thornblaze's whiskers twitched in amusement. "You can be charming when you aren't being reckless."
Sure there might…
But not anyone I want.
Sootpaw smiled to himself, tempered and saddened as it was. I just want Flarepaw.
And she isn't someone I'm supposed to want.
"Eh, whatever you say." Sootpaw finally stood up, not having realized he sat down earlier. "Now, are we gonna finish this patrol or what?"
"You're the one who started asking questions about kits!"
"And you're the one that went along with it."
Thornblaze let out a laugh before walking ahead of his apprentice, bumping him with his hip along the way and making the tom trip over himself before chasing after his mentor. These were rare moments; even though they were looking for a potential threat, Sootpaw had never felt safer in his own home.
Safe enough to talk about the far future- a topic he wholeheartedly avoided when he only liked to think about the next day or the day after next. Never to what his life would be like moons from now, seasons from now. As a warrior, as a mentor, as an elder.
Because whenever he thought about the future, Sootpaw only ever saw the pain. The possibility of his friends dying, of Wildfire winning, of Flarepaw leaving him. Of being alone. And it scared him.
But now…
Sootpaw's thoughts about the future were filled with the possibility of a family, he blamed Thornblaze for getting him thinking about that.
And his heart ached with just how much he realized he wanted that. All of it. A family; a loving mate, sons or daughters or both sons and daughters, his friends there with him all the way.
It ached even more imaging that future with Flarepaw.
...And it destroyed him to remember that it could never happen…
…
A/N: Whoo! My heart totally doesn't hurt after that last line. It's been awhile since I had Thornblaze in here, and honestly, I miss that dude. And so did good ol' Sooty, so you know what, have some mentor-apprentice bonding time. Next chapter will be the night trial for our Forestclan friends and I cannot wait for it! Hope you guys are excited, because I definitely am.
…
Question of the Day
Many people believe you "can't have a proper life without having a family." I personally believe "family" is what you make of it (so you don't need kids or a wife/husband or whatever).
So, taking a brief minute to think about the future, what do you picture your family to be?
(I just see myself with a wife and like… two or three dogs and maybe a cat XD. Sorry mom, you ain't getting grandkids from me.)
…
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Thank you and peace out!
~Wolfcreations20