Chapter 79: Telling Her the News
We keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
"Good morning," Owen greeted his ex-wife with a grin as she came stumbling down the stairs half-awake and in search of coffee. The twins were in their highchairs speaking to one another in their own twin language as Owen alternated bites of breakfast between them.
"Hey," Cristina grumbled sleepily. "What time is it?"
"8:30," Owen offered, distracted by his babies and their baby bird mouths summoning his attention.
Cristina poured herself a cup of coffee and pulled a chair up next to him. "I'm curious. You seem so happy around your kids. Doesn't having to feed them all the time and wipe their butts and wash the dried snot and food off their faces get old?"
Chuckling, Owen responded with a grin of certitude, "You know, Cristina, it doesn't. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming, all-encompassing love I have for my kids. It's really like nothing else in life. Have you ever heard anyone say they'd jump in front of a Mack truck for their kids? I completely understand that now in a way I never did before having kids."
"I think it would be a real drain to have to worry about anyone other than myself," Cristina declared factually. "But all the power to you, Owen. It makes you happy."
Owen opened his mouth as he made the spoon into an airplane and headed for Gwen's mouth. As soon as she closed her lips around the spoon, Owen unconsciously closed his lips. The same actions and process were repeated as he fed Ella. When Ella popped her lips together and made a sound after her bite, Owen followed suit as Cristina watched the interactions.
"Have you figured out what you're going to say to your wife about all the military requests?" Cristina inquired.
"Kind of," Owen responded softly. "I'm afraid that the second I reveal the topic, she's either going to start screaming or begin crying. I wish I knew when and how to broach it. I have to call my CO by 13:00 on Friday so time's running short."
"She's at work now?" Cristina asked.
"Until 15:00, then she'll pick up the big kids and be home around 1545 after she drops Nolan off at soccer. He'll catch a ride home with a friend," Owen explained. "I'll leave around 17:30 for a 24-hour shift and get home around 1:830 on Friday. Unless this is the 1st week of the month – on 1st Fridays, I work Thursday night through Saturday morning. I'm down a trauma surgeon right now, so guess who fills the hours?"
And if you hurt me
Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed
"Wait," Cristina insisted as she calculated details in her head. "You are home today, Thursday, until 5:30 and you don't get back until Saturday morning? Owen, that gives you less than 2 hours to talk with her about all this crap before you have to call General Bossypants back on Friday afternoon."
"You mean Lieutenant General Rollins?" Owen grumbled seriously as he began wiping off the babies' faces.
"Whatever," Cristina dismissed. "Two hours is not enough time. And your kids will be home during those two hours, so it's not like there'll be time for deep conversation."
"Why are you so worried about this? It's not your problem," Owen slightly snapped in frustration at what she'd just pointed out. In an instant, the tension that would come out of nowhere when they were married re-emerged.
Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
"Geez. I was just trying to help," Cristina snapped. "Do whatever the hell you want, Owen. Forget I said a word."
Owen took a slow, deep breath to prevent himself from losing his temper. He couldn't make sense of why they were suddenly at each other. After about 30 seconds, he suggested, "You know, I was thinking, I could take you to the hospital anytime if you want to go in before my shift. Otherwise, you'll just be stuck here with smelly, dirty babies all day."
"How soon could that happen?" Cristina asked as calmly as she could muster.
"Ten minutes," Owen shrugged.
Cristina stared at Owen for a split second and then commented, "Great. Let me get dressed and I'll be down here soon."
And if you hurt me
Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed
The ride to the hospital was silent, except for the twin's sing-songy nonsense words. As they pulled up to his parking spot, Cristina confessed, "I really hate to say goodbye like this."
Owen passive-aggressively attempted to play dumb, "Like what?"
"Seriously, Owen?" Cristina quipped. "Get real."
Putting the car in park and turning off the motor, Owen leaned back in his seat and looked at Cristina with a sadness in his eyes. "This is why we could never make it work. We were so busy one-upping each other or pretending nothing was wrong that we…" his voice trailed off as Cristina controlled her urge to interrupt or finish his sentence. He continued after a significant pause, "that we forgot in those moments that we loved each other."
Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
"Pretty sad and pathetic, isn't it?" Cristina droned. She smirked at him and he smirked back. Their eyes locked as they both laughed softly.
"Yeah…" Owen mused.
"Da! Dadada! Dadadadada," Ella hollered from her car seat.
"Yeah, well, that and the kid thing," Cristina remarked.
"The kid thing…" Owen muttered. He slowly began to unbuckle his seatbelt and prepare to step out of the car, explaining, "I need to step inside for a few minutes before I go back home. Do you need help carrying anything in?"
"I've just got my purse," Cristina stated. "Plus, you'll have your hands full of babies."
With pitiful eyes, Owen looked at her and shared, "Last night meant a lot to me, Cristina. Thanks again for your input." He pursed his lips together and sighed before admitting, "I'm glad we were able to spend some time together."
"Me too, Owen," Cristina expressed authentically. After a slight pause, her tone became less vulnerable and more rushed, "Thanks for the wine and the bed, and thank your wife for loaning me clothes and everything."
"Sure," Owen affirmed, ending with a flat expression. With one baby already in an arm, Owen opened the passenger door and hugged Cristina with his free arm. "Safe travels back home," he offered.
"Thanks, Owen. Take care of yourself and your incredible family, ok?" Cristina related. Owen nodded as he removed Ella from her car seat and balanced the girls in his arms. Cristina explained, "I need to check my voicemail, so I'm going to hop out and go sit on the bench over there. But, yeah, take care."
"You, too," Owen nodded as he walked toward the hospital entrance. He stepped in the main doors, thankful that they automatically opened for him, and smiled when he saw Amelia through the glass.
"Look who's here to surprise Mommy!" Amelia exclaimed as she stopped midstride in the main lobby. She reached for Gwen, hugging and kissing her, then gently took Ella from Owen's arm. "Hi darlings! I didn't think I'd see you until later this afternoon." She looked up at Owen and caressed his cheek with her free hand, "And hello, darling, I didn't think I'd see you until later this afternoon either." With a wink and a smirk, she leaned toward him and kissed his cheek. Owen grasped his wife with his free arm and hummed softly as he held her in an extended embrace.
Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know.
"Hey, can we go chat in my office? Do you have time?" Owen asked with as light a tone as possible.
"If you'd asked me 30 minutes ago, I would have said no. However, I just learned that my surgery was cancelled, so now I'm free for a while," Amelia grinned, not suspecting any deep or heavy topic of conversation. "I can go grab a couple coffees and meet you up there," Amelia offered as she handed the baby back to her husband.
"Black with no mice," Owen teased with a smile.
Amelia turned back and giggled, "I'm on it."
Oh, you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were 16
Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul
Owen was sitting at his desk with a faraway gaze when Amelia entered the office.
"Where are the twins?" Amelia wondered aloud.
Bringing himself back into the room mentally, Owen replied, "I dropped them off at the daycare."
"Oh," Amelia responded. She was slightly stunned that he would bring the girls to come visit and then leave them in daycare.
"Sorry, I guess I should have explained my plan," he grinned apologetically as he reached for the coffee and playfully examined it through the opening in the lid.
Amelia smiled at his teasing and realized the chat he wanted to have was not going to be something light and airy. "Owen, what's going on?"
"I got a call from the Pentagon a couple days ago," he disclosed without detail.
"What's that mean? I don't understand," Amelia responded.
Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
"I'm just going to throw it out there, because there's no easy way to ease into it," he declared apprehensively.
"Ok…" Amelia uttered softly as she slowly sat on the couch. Her complexion turned pale as she awaited his next words.
Owen sat next to her and turned sideways to face her. He rested his arm on the back of the couch as he bore his gaze deeply into her eyes. He was crestfallen. His eyes seemed to be set deeper into his skull and no joy was evident on his face.
After a deep, audible breath, he announced, "I haven't given a response yet, so just hear me out. Lt. Gen. Rollins called me and…well, attempted to voluntell me that I was needed in a battle zone where the medic situation needs leadership and overhauling. It would be a 3-6-month tour. After that, he's hoping I'd be willing to assume a post at the Pentagon where I'd be in charge of logistics and planning for all medical efforts in warzones. Amelia, I have thought about this long and hard. I am completely confused about what I should do, and I've been terrified to talk to you about it."
Amelia pursed her lips tightly, pulling them into her mouth and between her teeth. She attempted to still the quivering she could sense was about to erupt as she blinked repeatedly and held in a flood of tears. Looking at him intently with terror in her eyes, she found it impossible to utter a single word.
And if you hurt me
That's OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go
"These words are tough to take in all at once," Owen affirmed gently. Without a sound, Amelia delicately nodded her head. Her eyes continued to blink repeatedly as she searched his face. She noticed that she was reminding herself to breathe in and out. The unnamable feelings in her heart reminded her of the first moments after she had learned that her dad had died. They were the same desperate sensations she experienced years later when Ryan died and when their baby died in her arms.
Her emotional, mental, and physical states caused her body to freeze. Her voice was held hostage by a profound sense of helplessness and fear. Deep within, a part of her attempted to escape the thick and impenetrable walls of numbness and shock. Another part of her was tempted to rage and erupt before fleeing the scene.
Slowly and gently reaching toward her, Owen grasped her limp hand in his reassuring grip. He looked down at the couch cushion, unsure how to proceed yet trusting his instincts to let silence dwell. The couple sat together, not saying a word nor making eye contact.
Eventually, Amelia sputtered, "I…uh…I…I can't stand in the way of your dreams, Owen. I… I could never … never do that to you. I love you far too much to… to… ," she uttered very slowly and softly as her voice trailed off.
"I'm not sure if it is my dream. That's the conundrum. A part of me is so crystal clear about saying yes without hesitation, but, truly, a larger part of me doesn't know what the hell to do," he admitted honestly and openly. "I have deep allegiance to my country, but I also have unlimited dedication to our family."
Amelia looked down at her hands that were resting on her lap. She couldn't bring herself to look Owen in the face. Formally and slowly, she explained in a flat and nearly monotone voice, "As your colleague, I want to encourage to grasp the opportunities in your midst… to follow your bliss whatever it might be. As your wife, I have a ridiculous number of questions and my heart is beating faster as fear threatens to overwhelm me. As the mother of our children, I honestly want to grab you by the shoulders and scream loudly in your face that there is no way in hell you could possibly even consider such a risk… Three of our children have already lost one father and one mother. How either of us could dare put ourselves in a position where they might lose a third parent is completely beyond my ability to comprehend."
"Amelia…" Owen uttered in pain with a suddenly hoarse voice.
"I'm numb. I'm disoriented and I need to let this all soak in," Amelia disclosed without obvious emotion. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips tightly, taking in a few slow and deep breaths. "I'm finding it challenging to stay in the room next to you right now. I… I need to be alone. Can you stay home tonight instead of coming in? Can we… can we talk… later?"
"I'm down a trauma surgeon as it is," he described.
"You don't have a PRN, maybe even someone from Seattle Pres you could call? Or a resident who could call you in if necessary?" her voice numbly asked. She felt as if she was outside of her body and watching the scene unfold – the way people describe near-death experiences. Her soul seemed to have separated from her physical body, leaving an empty shell behind.
Owen looked away to his left, mumbling, "I could ask Patricia to make some calls. Can you call Sarah and see if she can watch the kids?"
"No, I can't. I'm not sure I can even walk down the hall right now," Amelia disclosed.
Owen closed his eyes tightly, "I'll take care of it. I'm going to step out and give you space."
So, you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home
After Owen gently stepped out, Amelia slid down flat onto the couch. She was too numb to cry, too angry to care, and too devastated to rage. Her brain seemed blank and empty. Breathing was the only task she could master in the moment.
Working her magic, Patricia was able to find coverage for Owen's shift. As Owen requested, she sent a text to Owen as soon as the arrangement was in place.
On his way home with the twins, Owen called Sarah via his Bluetooth. He was able to arrange for her to pick up the older kids before heading to the house to watch all five kids until bedtime. After arriving at home, he read Patricia's text. The twins were ready for their afternoon naps, so he carried them to the nursery before proceeding with other matters. As if they knew today was a day to be cooperative, the girls both fell asleep easily.
Owen walked down the hall and stood on the balcony off the Master Bedroom. Listening to the water and the sounds of nature, Owen gazed at the clouds high above him. To his own surprise, he ended up sitting on the deck with his head and back against the balcony railing. He pulled out his phone and typed a text to Amelia, Patricia found coverage – I'm off until Sunday. Sarah is picking up big kids then staying until 2200. Babies are napping here at home. I can talk now by phone if you want and-or can meet you some place once Sarah arrives.
To his surprise, Owen received a response minutes later, able to leave hosp now. On my way home.
Ok to drive? He typed out.
She responded, Yeah. Yeah, I am. See you soon.
Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of you
When I'm away
I will remember how you kissed me…
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
"Wait for me to come home."