Chapter 76.
Dean went to his room and flopped onto the bed. He was tired of having to pretend all was well and he needed some time away from everyone else. He knew he would need to tell Sam something, but the party was not the time and place for that. He needed to know first just how crazy he was and whether he could regain any control.
He had known Sam was sure about the talismans. Sam would never withhold information that important. If there had been any doubt, he would have said so. Cas knew the talismans were working. Asking Sam to confirm it had been merely a formality. He had already known that he was slipping away from any meaningful definition of sanity.
He'd always been afraid of it, for as long as he could remember. Watching his father's instability, seeing how, at times, John would say, "If I don't watch it, I'll end up crazy." and pull himself back from disaster, he had often asked himself how he would know if he began to lose his mind. Bad dreams that lingered a little too long in his waking mind, irrational rages that made him fear he was losing control and that oft-repeated thought in his head that the ending might be the only thing he could choose had often made him think about insanity, but he had usually managed to convince himself that he was holding all that at bay very successfully. Other hunters might go mad. He wouldn't.
He'd told himself for years that he couldn't afford to go mad. Sam needed him. Sam relied on him. The mark of Cain had caused a kind of madness, but after that was gone, he had believed he could regain all that he had been before. It was some consolation that at least he was more expendable now. Sam would not be alone and Sam was a leader now and didn't need his big brother to make the decisions.
Sam would be okay - not happy, but okay. Sam would take care of Jack and he would do his best with Cas, but Cas was complicated and Dean wasn't sure he would be able to continue broadening his very narrow horizons without Dean's encouragement. He needed to try to get back to sanity so Cas had someone to help him through all the difficult times ahead and hopefully get him laid. He corrected himself, get him some kind of relationship that mattered, because Cas was not looking for a hook-up.
Then there was Jack, who needed guidance too and was not likely to benefit from one of his caretakers being crazy. Even John Winchester's level of instability had harmed his sons and Dean conceded to himself that he was already past that point. If he could not reverse the problem, he owed it to all of them to be far away. Maybe he would use one of the cabins as a hiding place and lock himself away from anyone he could hurt, by action, inaction or speaking his insane thoughts.
There were two raps on the door. "Dean?" said Jack.
"I'm just looking for something." said Dean, "Oh, there it is." He opened the door and joined Jack in the corridor.
"What was it?" said Jack.
"Just a thing." said Dean.
Jack looked puzzled.
"We'd better get back to the party." said Dean.
"That's why I came looking for you. They're about to bring the cake out." said Jack, "Have you seen the cake?"
"No, Bobby brought it over." said Dean. They started walking.
"It's amazing." said Jack, "You'll love it."
"It's food. That's a safe bet." said Dean.
"Are you okay?" said Jack, "You don't seem yourself."
Dean smiled as genuinely as he could under the circumstances. "Don't worry, kid, I'm fine. Just slightly jealous that Cas is with the prettiest woman."
"I bet we could find you one in time for your birthday." said Jack.
"I don't do birthdays." said Dean.
"You'll come to mine, though, right?" said Jack.
"Of course I will, if I'm alive and not chained up somewhere." He stopped Jack before they reached the garage. "Listen, I may be going to the farm for a few days. That means I need you to look after Sam and Cas. If either of them seems weird or stressed or miserable, you call me immediately, yes?"
"Yes." said Jack.
"And remind Sam to eat and sleep."
"I always try to." said Jack.
"Yeah and if you need me, for anything, that's a good reason to call too." It seemed silly, in a way, to encourage Jack to depend on him, when he might not be dependable, but Sarah said she could help him and he still hoped he could fix his deranged mind and be useful again.
Sarah came out of the garage and took their hands as if they were straying school children. "Come back to the party!" she said, "A few people want to say something and then there will be cake. Do either of you want to say something to Castiel?"
"I do." said Dean.
"Me too." said Jack.
"Good." She took them into the party again. Mark and Paul were just carrying the cake to a table that had been set up for it. The cake was huge and in the shape of blue wings with an angel blade made of fondant down the centre. Across the front of the cake were the word "Castiel" and some silver stars.
Castiel went over to the cake and examined it closely before thanking Sarah with a kiss on the cheek.
"Now, Paul would like to say a few words." she said.
Paul stood in front of the cake and shook Cas's hand. "Happy birthday, Cas! I admit, when I first met Castiel, I didn't trust him and I loudly told everyone that trusting any angel was a dumb idea. Bobby told me we owed these people and I needed to give the angel a chance, so I reluctantly did. You know what? Despite all the trouble I gave him. he always treated me with respect and friendship and more than once, he has saved my life. I was wrong about you, Cas. Now I am proud to fight alongside you."
Sarah nodded to Bobby. He stepped forward and said, "Cas is a good friend to all of us, the kind of friend you can rely on when everyone else runs the other way. Cas, I want you to know that I like and respect you. Happy birthday!"
Sarah herself was next. "Before I met you, I thought my life was pretty much over. I thought I had neither time nor purpose. You gave me back both, my dear, wise, wonderful angel. You always seem so surprised that people love you, but when I asked you to pick a date to be your birthday, the one date that was significant to you was the day you rescued a righteous man from Hell. That sort of sums up why we love you." She took his hand and kissed it. "Happy birthday, my dear."
Dean said, "I was that so-called righteous man and that was the first of many times you raised me from perdition. You're my best friend, my brother. You and Sam are the reasons I keep fighting. You're why we win, with all the odds against us. You've died for us again and again and you always live for us. Family don't end with blood, but even if it did, you've bled enough for us that it would count anyway. I don't deserve your friendship, but I will never willingly let it go. Happy birthday, Cas!"
Sam said, "Nobody has stood by us as you have. Nobody has done more to save the world and to save us. No matter what goes wrong, you're there to help us fix it. Without you ... No, I don't wanna think about life without you. You're our brother and we love you, always."
Jules said, "I'll keep this short, because I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I just wish you everything good. You're a good friend, Cas, my best friend. You made surviving the Apocalypse worthwhile."
Finally, Jack said, "You protected me, when I was helpless. You forgave me when I was wrong. You loved me when everyone feared me. You cared for my mother. You were her friend when she had nobody else. You came back from the dead because I needed you. My greatest ambition is to make you proud of me. My deepest wish is to be just like you. You'll always be my father. You'll always be my friend. I love you, Castiel."
Cas hugged Jack and said to his friends all around him, "Thankyou, all of you. I wish I could speak so eloquently and tell you all what you mean to me, but I will never find the words. You are family to me. You are my life. In all the long ages I have been alive, the greatest blessings I have known have been the family I found over the past decade."
Sarah came to light the candles on the cake, one for each year since he had dragged Dean out of Hell. Dean went over to him and whispered, "Don't forget to make a wish."
"Wishes are not a good idea." Cas whispered back, but he glanced at Jules and smiled.
"You should kiss her tonight." said Dean, "It's time to make a move."
"But what if it's the wrong move and she hates it? What if she laughs?" Lowering his volume even more he said, in tones of dread, "What if she screams?"
"None of your moves is gonna make a girl scream." said Dean, "In fact, that's the best thing about them."
"I need more time to think about it." said Cas.
Dean smiled at him. "Okay, but she's into you."
Everyone gathered around to sing Happy Birthday and then, when Sarah told him to, Cas blew out all the candles to applause from his friends and family. Dean felt a lot better seeing that. Cas didn't need him as much as he had thought. He had other people to watch over him now.