Chapter 77

Raven can swim.

When Raven came to she found she was in a bed in a big white room. There was a green curtain around her bed and the Doctor was sitting in a chair at the foot of her bed and he was doing something Raven had never seen him do before. He was sleeping, soundlessly.

Both Raven and Russel had been transported to the hospital to get themselves seen to. The Doctor had followed later, after he said he'd dealt with Antonia.

As Raven moved she realised she had a pounding headache. She was clean and she was in a green hospital gown. Despite being unconscious, she felt tired. So she dropped back down onto the bed.

"Good morning, Rae-Rae." Went the Doctor as he'd woken up. He looked a little groggy himself. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been smacked around." Raven said.

"You really took a beating. I'm sorry, I should've realised how powerful she could be." The Doctor said. Raven really didn't want to hear him apologise, there was nothing to apologise for.

"What did you do to her?" Raven asked him.

"I took her on a little trip in the TARDIS. Back to the 1500s. There was a lovely couple I knew back then who gladly took her in. They'll be kind to her." The Doctor's face went dark. "But I can't say the same for the village. Looking like how she does she's not going to have a good time of it. Let's see how she likes being kicked around for being different."

"Different?" Raven asked.

"Russel has autism." The Doctor explained. "Well, technically a very mild form of Aspergers syndrome. That's why he seemed socially off. It causes social deficiencies in the brain. Sometimes in mild cases those social deficiencies can be masked, but it's more a consciously generated effort than a subconscious one. Sometimes the mask slips, and people don't react well to a slipping mask. They often wonder what's underneath, and it's always assumed to be something nasty. "

"Oh..." Raven went. The Time Lord must've found out when he scanned him with that device of his.

"What about Russel?" she asked.

"He's fine, physically." The Doctor said, "He did a very brave, but foolish thing." Raven gripped at her bedsheets.

"Are his legs okay?" She swallowed. The Doctor was silent.

"Physically, they're fine. Whether or not they'll work we can't say until he's up and about again."

"It's my fault." Raven said.

"Of course it isn't."

"It is. I... we... we became close, really close." Raven put an emphasis on it so the Doctor understood. He seemed to. He looked like he wanted to say something, but stopped, as if it didn't need to be said.

"What are you thinking now?" He asked, he gave of the air of a curious alien.

"I can't be with him." Raven concluded, "I can't be with anybody. I'll only hurt them." That idea stung. The Doctor acted like he understood. "I want to leave."

"You're not going to tell Russel?"

"I want to leave, Doctor!" Raven insisted.

"Rae-Rae." He said, coming to sit down on her bed. He spoke softly, like a parent. It was at times like this he sounded the most human. "You shouldn't run from this. You should confront it. I know it'll hurt, but I have confidence in you. Believe me, running away won't make the pain go away, it'll just cause regret, and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life."

"But what do I say to him. How can I make him understand?" The Doctor fell silent, he didn't have the answer. "Doctor, I think he loves me."

"Think?"

"Alright, he does." Raven sighed angrily.

"Do you feel the same way?" He asked.

"I think I do." Raven admitted, "What do I do?"

"Do you want to stay?" The Doctor asked, "with him?"

"You know I can't." Raven looked down. "Doctor, my powers, they hurt people if I don't control them."

The Doctor looked like he was wrestling with something inside his head.

"It's your decision to make." He stood up. "The TARDIS is parked outside. I'll wait for your decision."

"But what if I pick the wrong one?" Raven asked. She didn't feel she was qualified enough in the 'human' department to make this call.

"In life we'll all be faced with many choices." The Doctor said, "everyday we have to choose. You just have to think what is best, both for you, and your boyfriend."

"He's not my...!" Raven began to fume, but she gave up on the denial.

Russel was laying in his own hospital bed recovering from his massive psychic shock. Raven could sense his mind was scrambled a little, but he was recovering.

It was night when she made her move. She'd used her powers to rapidly heal her body and now she was back in her usual attire, all clean and repaired. The TARDIS was outside, she could sense it. They were ready to leave. But Russel was a loose thread she had to tidy up.

In the low light of darkness Raven approached the bed with the sleeping Russel on it. Raven felt turmoil in her mind, it was a strange mixture of fear, guilt and disgust. Guilt that she was essentially about to dump him, fear of what he might think of her after that, and disgust that she was about to get mushy. She couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound like it belonged into a sickly romance novel. Would he accept that she was breaking up with him only because she didn't want her powers to hurt him? Or was that just an excuse because she felt she didn't deserve to feel loved? She was supposed to be a demon, not a human with feelings.

Raven placed a hand on his arm, slowly his eyes opened and he looked up at her. He was so weak.

"Raven?" He asked.

"It's okay." Raven said. "I'm okay. How are you?"

"I feel like the eggs I had this morning. Slightly scrambled." Raven didn't laugh. She felt too guilty.

"Russel, I'm here to say goodbye." She swallowed, she didn't know how to be tender about this.

"Goodbye?" Oh man, here goes.

"We can't be a thing, it's impossible. The idea of me being in a 'thing' with someone, I can't do it." She said. The expression on Russel's face made her say more. "It's not because of your autism. That I couldn't care less about." She sat down on the edge of his bed and ran a hand through his hair. "That oddness, I think, is what initially attracted me to you. I could somehow sense that you can understand me in ways I don't think many could." She paused, trying to think. "I wanted this to work, I so wanted it. But I have trouble controlling my powers." Raven swallowed, "Russel, that pain in your legs you felt was me. I crushed your legs by accident." Guilt flooded her.

"But you fixed me."

"It was only luck that it was your legs, what if next time it's your neck?" Raven asked. "What if in the act of loving you, I... I kill you?"

"Then I'd forgive you."

"Don't be flippant about this." Raven said. She didn't know what else to say, so there was an awkward silence.

"Did my Aspergers burn you?" Russel asked. Raven told him again that it had nothing to do with his condition, but again he asked the question.

"It did, a little. You can be blunt." She said.

"Its something that happens in all my relationships. I just have to learn how to manage it and control it." Russel said. "And find someone understanding who'll put up with it."

Raven gave him a little smile. "I think my problem is more destructive than hurting someone's feelings."

"Don't I know it." He wiggled his toes. "But I don't hate you for it, either." Raven had actually feared he would hate her now for it. But he was willing to take this in his stride.

"I don't know if that's kindly understanding, or blind foolishness." Raven said.

"You'll learn to control your powers, like I learn to manage my Asperger's." Russel looked deep into Raven's eyes. "Please, stay with me."

"I can't." Raven admitted, "I have my reasons, I can't stay in one place too long." Raven wasn't thinking when she said. "Why don't you come with me?"

"Me come with you?" He asked, his eyes were scanning her as his brain manually processed her facial expressions. "But you don't want me to."

"I... I thought it'd be nice to make the offer." Raven admitted. "I'm too dangerous. My emotions manifest my powers, and you make me feel a lot of emotions. I'm sorry, I do wish it was different. But I can't be with the people that I... the people I..." Raven stalled. "That is my curse. You feel like Pinocchio living with real people. I feel like a giant desperately trying not to hurt anyone."

Russel laughed. "We're just a pair of freaks." Raven smiled. There followed another silence. "Here." He said, pulling from his bedside cabinet his drawing pad. "Something to remember me by. Something... I know the road to find a partner is going to be long, dark and painful. But keep that as something to remind you in darker times ahead that there was someone out there who loved you for who you are."

Raven felt moved by this gesture. But she never expected to find anyone suitable enough to put up with her, and her powers.

"Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?" Raven asked.

Russel smirked. Raven had to hold her powers back like the raging torrent it was as she gently kissed this freaky boy one final time.

"I love you." She felt his mind say.

"... I know. Thank you."

Raven stood outside the hospital looking up at the room Russel was in. The light was out and he was soundlessly sleeping, dreaming sweet dreams while Raven tried to settle these mixed emotions inside her head. In her arms was Russel's book, the one she'd gifted to him, the one with all his drawings of her inside. She held it tightly to herself.

Looking at her hands she'd come to accept that she'd never be rid of her powers. No matter how hard she tried to ignore them, they will always be there, within her, waiting for someone to find them. She could only do what Russel did with his Asperger's, try to manage it. Try to control it. But the price came with her emotions. Imagine never being allowed to feel anger, express your frustration, or even love. That the act of being loved in a romantic capacity could end in disaster.

Raven closed her eyes tightly. When she opened them again she'd was standing tall and her eyes were cold. Raven had decided she hated romance, she hated boyfriends, she hated everything like that because it hurt so badly when it was all gone. She hated it all, because she had to deny herself it.

The only way she could feel this way about a person again is if she met someone who could defend themselves from her powers when they went crazy. That person would need to be as powerful, or more powerful than her. How many of them could there be in the universe? There weren't any people like that in Azarath. She just had to accept that she'd probably never meet someone in the universe whom she could safely fall for, and even if she did they'd have to fall for her, how likely was that?

Raven glanced at the sketch book in her hands. It was unlikely, but possible.

Raven had to tear her gaze away from the hospital window and she focused on the Police Box shape of the TARDIS standing near the hospital car park. Everything was packed away and ready for take-off. The Doctor was just waiting for Raven.

As she slowly walked towards the TARDIS whatever remained of the girly Raven who'd fallen for Russel was compacted down and filed away in her brain under, 'uncomfortable memories'. Each step she took towards her home Raven felt more and more like her cold detached self. Romance was just a distraction, it was pointless, and it was wrong for her to feel it. She'd forgotten she was supposed to be an evil demon, not a human. She rested a hand on the Police Box handle, looked into the blue windows of the TARDIS and could only think of one thing.

"Love and Romance is only for the weak-minded." With that, she stepped into the TARDIS, Russel long behind her.

Entering the TARDIS Raven approached the console and activated the door control. She was ready to leave. She wanted to leave, now!

"Is Russel alright?" The Doctor asked.

"He's fine, now." Raven said distantly. Then she came back to herself. "I'd like to leave, right now, please." Raven turned and walked off the console dais towards the interior door.

"Before we do, I need to have a word with you, young lady." Raven stopped to listen. "You left your book in our lodgings, I had to go back and get it. I've had to say it to Susan so don't make me have to say it to you too. Do you know how much damage you could cause leaving a book out of time like this? Especially for this book, it won't be published for thirty years and it's a first printing…" the Doctor had more to say, but Raven had already walked off. She wasn't in the mood for one of his parenting lectures about being a responsible time traveller.

After walking down the miles of TARDIS corridors she arrived at the place she wanted to be. Opening the large door what spread before her was a large meadow with clouds of colourful butterflies within. The TARDIS butterfly room. It was so vast and beautiful. Raven may prefer the creepy and macabre, but she still appreciated this room purely by how tranquil it was.

The TARDIS had an unlimited number of rooms for her to wander around in, an endless supply of reading material. She could do anything, learn anything, eat anything, go anywhere and any-when. The TARDIS made things limitless; and yet the one thing she found the TARDIS couldn't give her were friends.

Raven had so much at her fingertips, and yet she felt like the loneliest person in the universe.

But there was one thing she'd realised while on this adventure. Her powers had done something actually good. She'd saved countless lives, protected innocent people, taken down a great evil, almost bested it, and she felt strangely good about that. She couldn't have done that as ordinary mortal Raven, but as sorceress Raven, with her 'evil' powers she'd done something good. Okay, she'd failed to take down the evil, but that was only because she was out of practice. If she was going to take on such threats in the future Raven needed to get stronger, she needed to get better, she needed to learn new spells and techniques.

Mortal Raven is effectively useless to the Doctor. Raven thought. Mortal Raven gets distracted by stupid things like 'love' and 'romance'. Raven felt like she had a goal now. She would get more powerful, she would tame her powers, and she'd help save people from the evils of the universe.

Before the End of Days comes, and I destroy everyone, utterly… Rang a depressingly sobering thought in her mind.

Standing up, Raven decided she didn't want to meditate right now. Instead, she returned to the TARDIS swimming pool.

At the edge of the pool, Raven removed her cloak and let it fall at her feet. She kicked off her boots and removed her belt. Her leotard she kept on. The water wings were nearby. She didn't put them on.

Raven took a deep breath and dived right in. Surfacing, she powered through with her arms, she kicked as hard as she could with her legs, and she powered through with such determination to smack that stupid, stupid boy on the head again.

"The most important thing is... to hold your breath!" Oh yeah, very funny.

Raven knew how to swim, she'd learnt ages ago. She needed to learn to not fear drowning.

Back in the Titan's Tower. Raven stared long and hard at the drawing Russel had made of both himself and her, smiling in that romantic pose. Part of her still wanted to blow chunks as she looked at it, other parts of her longed for that kind of companionship again, but knowing full well that it was impossible. No one, 'liked' her in that way. Not in the way she wanted.

The only person who briefly made her feel that way were Aqua-lad, but that was only because he looked like such a hunk. Or…

Raven's gaze fell upon a trunk she'd kept under lock and key for years. Within was a single book. Trapped in the book was a dragon. A dragon who appeared to Raven as a human mortal. A powerful human mortal. One whom she felt she could have a relationship with. But the dragon played her heart like a fiddle and tricked Raven into releasing it from its prison. She gazed at the box like it was her enemy. Love and romance only get you hurt, she knew that now.

Briefly, her mind went back to the dragon creature when it appeared in a semi-human form as folded pages from a book. Suddenly, her heart sank further and she hated the dragon creature even more as she realised something. The creature had shown her a picture of Raven, happy, content, with magic energy and the planets dancing around her. It had moved her at the time, but she'd always thought it'd looked familiar. She opened Russel's sketchbook. Indeed, and there it was, in Russel's hand. The same picture, it was Russel's drawing to start and that Dragon had plucked it from her memories.

In fact, the semi-human image the dragon had appeared to her as. It was a mixture of people she knew. Traits she knew from people she trusted. Russel's way of speaking, Armstrongs body type, the voice of the Doctor. It had all been plucked from her memory. The dragon didn't even 'fake love' her. She'd fooled herself, again.

Sharply, she kicked the box containing the dragon's cursed book. She was going to make sure he never escaped that prison again, never, ever!

As Raven turned back to the sketchbook, she was about to close it and put it back in her trunk. But then she noticed something. Something that had fallen between the pages. Upon closer inspection, it was a crumb, a crumb from a potato chip.

Raven's mood darkened. That little imp had been through her stuff again!

Slamming the book and tossing it onto her bed Raven stamped out of her room. She'd kill that little troll when she got her hands on him.

She banged on his door sharply and waited for the disgusting ball of snot to answer, a pulsating vein throbbed on her head.

When Beast Boy opened the door she didn't speak, she just gave him a dark look.

"Whoa! Whatever I did, I'm sorry okay." He retreated as Raven entered the mess of a place he called a room. His clothes littered the place, junk food was left to rot on the table and his bed wasn't even made.

"You are so dead!" She threatened.

"What did I even do?" Beast Boy cried as if this was an injustice.

"Stop-going-through-my-stuff!" Raven hissed at him. She caught a glimpse of the computer screen to her right, something caught her eye. It was an image of a drawing, one that looked very familiar. Her head turned and glanced at the screen, taking it in for a full second. Her eyes rolled to take in Beast Boy for another second so he stayed where he was, then she looked back at the screen.

Approaching it, Raven expected lude drawings of girls. But no, this was of a picturesque place in the countryside. It didn't look like somewhere in the states. The rolling hills suggested England.

The website was dedicated to an artist. To a…

To Russel Hopkins…

What the…?

Raven used the mouse and she clicked on page after page, each drawing was a beautiful render of the places he'd been. Some were interpretative works, some were portraits. All were stunning to look at.

"Who is this 'Russel' guy?" Beast Boy asked, "A favourite artist?"

"You… could say that." Raven said, she didn't want to say more.

"You know, I used to draw!" Beast Boy said excitedly.

"I'm not interested in your crayon drawings, thank you." Raven dismissed. She found one drawing in particular. It was called the 'Shadow Girl' and if looked at the correct way it was definitely Raven herself, no question. Similar hair, similar build, but no way was she that tall. But the eyes, she had the same eyes.

Raven then considered. All that stuff with Devils End. It would've happened recently, relatively speaking, a few years ago. Technically, there would've been two Raven's wandering around the planet, and she didn't even know, nor think about it.

There was a contact address. She could communicate, she could talk to Russel again. But she squashed that idea. She wanted him to move on like she had. Technically, she'd now be older than he was, that would take some explaining. Would he even recognise her at all? Did he know about the Teen Titans? Did he ever see her on the news and think. 'I know that girl?' Probably not.

Beast Boy was giving her a weird look. Did he know? Shit, he'd looked in the book, he would've seen that picture of herself and Russel.

"Hey, if you want to talk to him." Beast Boy said tenderly, "There is his contact info." He pointed. "I'll just step out for a while and…" Raven grabbed his arm.

"That won't be necessary." She said flatly. "He's just an artist I liked. Trust me, people are not the same in person." She lied.

In reality, it had been so long that flame had long gone out, it was now cold, just like she was. She'd moved on and she didn't want to think about it anymore.

"My room, six o'clock." She'd said to Beast Boy, "you can have your bedtime story, so long as you don't bring any potato chips."

Beast Boy looked happy. "It's a date!"

"No, it isn't." Raven quickly cut across him, and she turned to leave his room, all anger forgotten. She risked looking back at the strange little creature. Despite finding evidence of a past flame, Beast Boy hadn't reacted the way she thought he would, instead he'd gone out of his way to find Russel and try to re-connect them. That was really sweet of him, but unnecessary. 'Love and Romance is for the weak-minded' after all. She guessed the short, green boy was kind of cute in some ways. Though in reality he was obviously just utterly hideous.

So why can't I stop looking at him?

The penny was in the air and…

NOPE!

She'd closed the door and was walking away before the penny even dropped.

To Be Continued…

Authors notes: That wraps up this one.

I appreciate any feedback which can be given on this tale. Romance is something new to me, but I've worked really hard to make it as believable as possible.

Wow, 77 chapters, and I'm still going. Thank you to all those who stuck around to keep reading this rather odd tale. I did my best and I might go back and make small adjustments here and there.

I think I'll leave what actually happened up to the imagination of the reader. Though there is a 'true version of events' which took place. But just know it was traumatic, and Raven blamed herself, and it's rooted in the themes the tale actually started with. One of self-control. ;)

Again, thanks for sticking with this story, I hope you all still enjoy it; and I promise the next venture is going to inject a lot of Doctor Who-ness into the crossover to make up for this little side-step. ;)

Merry Christmas

-TimeLordParadox