Chapter 82: Christmas in Canada

December

Finley's Point-of-View

Dad's been gone a month now. Sometimes, it's hard to remember what it was like when he was here. Some things have changed a little since he's been gone. Mom works on weekdays while we're in school now, so her hours are more regular. The hospital wanted her to work some nights since lots of accidents involving brain surgery happen on weekend nights. She told me she argued with Uncle Derek about it and he got frustrated and had her talk to Dr. Webber. When she met with him, they met in Dad's office and she ended up crying about Dad being gone. I guess Dr. Webber felt sorry for Mom, because she's only worked on weekdays since that day.

Sometimes, we'll share stories about what would happen if Dad were here. The best times are when one of us imitates his voice and we all end up laughing. Even Mom does it sometimes. The other night, we had pillows and couch cushions spread all over the floor and the dining room chairs were scattered around. The babies were in bed, so Bronwyn, Ollie, Mom, Simba, Nala, and I were playing Hot Lava. The goal was to get to places in the room without touching the floor. Couch cushions and any chair were rocks that we could use to avoid the lava. Simba and Nala didn't understand the game, of course, but they were running all around the living room, dining room, and kitchen barking and wagging their tails. I couldn't believe that Mom let them run around like that. When Mom stumbled and fell onto a pile of cushions laughing, the dogs ran over and licked her. Bronwyn imitated Dad. She put her hands on her hips, stood on her tiptoes and put her eyebrows and chin down, yelling, "I told you someone would get hurt. Now. Clean. That. Up. Pronto." We all laughed so hard that we fell into the hot lava too.

Every night after the other kids were in bed, Mom and I would sit at the table and talk about our days. I remember how she and Dad used to do that before he was deployed. It seemed pretty boring to me then. Now, I kind of liked how I'd taken Dad's place and got to talk to Mom all alone every night.

One night after dinner, just before Christmas Break started, Mom asked me what I thought about going up to the house in Victoria for Christmas. Mom told me that she and Dad were able to keep it because there was a trust fund for us kids from the insurance our bio-Mom, Kayla, had and from when something called a settlement when our bio-Dad, Blake, died. I really don't know what a trust fund is or how it works, but I guess it means we have lots of money for college and stuff like the house in Victoria.

Mom reminded me of the time she and Dad came to visit before Mama Kayla died. They were there for some surgery conference that was a really big deal for Mom. She spoke at it and was busy the whole time. I remember that Dad didn't go to the conference every day – he stayed and played with us kids.

Not very long after that, Mama Kayla died in a car accident. I've tried to forget that day ever since it happened, but I can't. Sometimes I have nightmares about it, and I know Oliver does too. It was the worst day of my entire life. That morning, Mama Kayla was with us and then, all of the sudden, she was gone. We didn't even get to say goodbye, except at the funeral. I remember the day my dad died too. It was also horrible, but I was little, and Mama Kayla was there so it wasn't as rotten. That's when she and I kind of became a team. I helped her with Oliver a lot and, after Bronwyn was born, I helped Mama with the baby too. I guess that's one talent I must be good at because I'm doing it again now with Mom. Dad isn't dead like Papa Blake, but he's gone, and she needs my help.

I told Mom I'd like to go to Victoria for Christmas because I'd kind of forgotten our old house. I mentioned that I wanted to be there for the big Christmas tree lighting. We went to that every year before we moved to the States, and Mom promised to find out about it. I also told Mom what I remembered about downtown at Christmastime – it was always decorated with wreaths and red ribbons.

I asked Mom how she thought up the idea of going to Victoria for Christmas. We hadn't been up there since Mama died, so it seemed weird that Mom just kind of came up with the idea out of nowhere. When I asked, I had no idea my question would make her so sad. She looked down and I saw some tears fall onto the table. She took a deep breath and said to me, "Finley, I can't be in this house for Christmas without your dad here. It's hard to be here every day when he isn't here, and I don't want to be here on Christmas." I was glad I was with her when she said that. I could tell she was really sad and really missed Dad. I held her hand and, later, I gave her a hug.

A couple nights later, Mom showed me some notes she'd written. She planned for us to leave that weekend, on the 17th, and come back on the 31st. We were going to fly and then rent a car in Canada. Mom's plan was to be pretty lazy while we were there. She said it wasn't really a vacation; instead, it was time together as a family but just in another house. She had talked to our neighbor in Victoria who kept an eye on the house and who arranged for vacation rentals sometimes. The lady, I can't remember her name, was really happy that she was going to see us kids. She told Mom it was the best Christmas present anyone could give her. I thought that was weird – I can think of a whole bunch of Christmas presents I'd rather have than seeing Ollie and Bronwyn.

As Mom finished telling me the plans, Dad called on FaceTime. We were surprised because he usually called when the little kids were awake so he could see the babies and talk to the whole family. Sometimes he called early in the morning and just talked to Mom. I always knew when he did that because those were the days that Mom would wake us up late and would wear her PJs to drive us to school. Her eyes would be sad and red as we hurried to get ready. She didn't joke around or play on those days. I hated those mornings.

This time, Mom answered the phone and Dad had a huge smile on his face. He seemed really happy as he said hi to us. Both Mom and I said hi back, then Mom mentioned he seemed to be in a great mood.

Dad told us about his day. Even his eyes were smiling. "Kepner went into town with a couple guards today because she wanted to go to the market. I wasn't very excited about her going off site, but gunfire has really calmed down lately. They went to fruit stand and the woman there spoke English. Her friend in the next booth was really pregnant and not feeling well. Ends up the only OB nearby had been killed in crossfire a few weeks ago. Anyway…it's a really long story, but the reason I'm smiling is because April and I delivered her healthy baby boy today. The mom had preeclampsia – I'm so glad Kepner ran into her. Mia, today I brought a new life in the world. It was such a night and day experience from most days around here."

"Owen, that's beautiful," Mom told Dad. She looked down at her lap and put her hands on her stomach, which seemed strange. She usually looked at Dad the whole time when he called. Maybe Mom was just trying not to cry or maybe she had a stomach ache.

Mom and I took turns telling Dad about the other kids and about how Gwen was finally using her walker. She was super stubborn about it and would only use it if she wanted to use it. The best way to get her to use it was for Bronwyn to pretend she wanted to play with it. If Bronwyn touched it, Gwen wanted it right away. Dad laughed a lot when we told him that.

"I'm going to miss you all at Christmas," Dad said seriously later in our conversation. I didn't know the Victoria trip was a secret. I was excited about it, so I told Dad about it. He looked surprised but pretended to smile at me. I could tell he was upset – it's funny how my parents think they can hide their feelings from me. Usually I can tell when they're only pretending to be happy. Then he asked if he could talk to Mom alone. Mom said it was almost bedtime anyway, so she told me to go upstairs and get ready for bed. That kind of ticked me off because it was actually 45 minutes until my bedtime, but I wasn't going to argue while Mom and Dad were on the phone. I'm pretty sure I'd get in pretty big trouble for that. Besides, I'd been trying really hard not to argue with Mom at all.

The last few times Dad had called, I hoped to have time to talk to him alone about Naomi. She and I have been kissing a lot more lately. Last week, she reached under my shirt and rubbed my back. It felt so amazing and her hands were so soft. I wanted to tear off my shirt right there, but, of course, I didn't. She asked me if I wanted to rub her back like that too. I really wanted to and I almost did. Some of my friends have done that and even more than that. But instead of saying yes, I said I wasn't ready. I felt like kind of a loser when I said that. I didn't tell her why I made that up, but it was because I remembered Mom and Dad both asking about that when I got in trouble for kissing Naomi at school. They both seemed concerned about whether I'd done any more than just kiss so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to try it. I rubbed Naomi's back over her shirt and sweater. I'm sure it wasn't the same for her, but she was sweet about my decision.

Before I said goodnight to Dad, I asked him, "Can you call me on my phone tomorrow? I really want to talk to you about something, but we're never alone when you call."

"I'll try my best, Fin. Is everything ok?" Dad promised as his face became serious. I explained that I just wanted to talk to him about a guy thing. He agreed he'd try to call me as soon as he could and reminded me that Uncle Derek was around if I wanted to talk to a grown-up sooner. I already knew that, but I thanked Dad for the reminder anyway. I barely wanted to talk to Dad about it and talking to Uncle Derek about it just seemed weird.

As soon as I was in the hallway, Mom told Dad I was upstairs. Instead of going to my room, I sat around the corner by the stairway to listen to Mom and Dad talk. I wanted to know why he was mad. Then, in kind of a mean way, Dad yelled, "Amelia, what are you thinking?! I'm over here and now you're going to revisit their other home? What if the kids have a hard time? It could bring back a rush of memories. And I don't want you traveling on New Year's Eve."

"Owen," Mom said calmly, "settle down and stop yelling."

"Excuse me?" Dad yelled back like it wasn't ok for Mom to say that to him. It was weird, because the Dad I knew didn't get so loud, bossy, and mean.

"I am NOT one of your soldiers, Owen Hunt. If you want to talk about this, fine. But if you yell at me again, I'm hanging up," Mom declared. I was kind of proud of her. It made me laugh sometimes when Mom yelled at Dad because he was so much bigger than her. It reminded me of when Bronwyn would yell at me, except that I usually won those fights and Dad usually lost theirs.

"I'm sorry," Dad grumbled. "Amelia, I think it's a bigger step than you are thinking it is. It could be wonderful, but it could also be painful for the kids. I'd like to be there when they go back to Victoria."

"I'm sorry, Owen, but the tickets are already purchased, and the plans are made," Mom said without sounding very sorry.

"So, I don't really have a say in this, huh?" Dad asked. I couldn't tell if he was mad or sad. His voice sounded weird.

Mom said back, "Kind of like you going overseas." She looked into the iPad with a really serious face – one I'd never, ever seen on her. It was so serious that it creeped me out a little.

"Is that why you're doing this, Mia?" Dad asked in his normal voice.

"No, it isn't. Owen, the truth is that I knew I couldn't be here at the house without you at Christmas," Mom told him. She started to cry really hard. "This is so hard for me. Every day is so hard for me. I know I have help, but I make all the decisions. I don't have anyone to discuss those decisions with when I'm not sure what to do. And every day, Owen, every single day, I worry about you getting shot or hurt. I just needed an escape for Christmas, and this seemed like the best option if it was just going to be me with all the kids."

"I'm sorry I yelled," Dad said really nicely. "I wish I could hold you right now and wipe the tears off your cheeks." I could tell Dad really cared about Mom when he said that to her.

"I'm sorry I finalized the plans without letting you know the idea," Mom told him. She was sniffling and wiping her tears with a napkin from dinner that had been left on the table.

"I'm terribly sorry, Aims, but I'm over my time. I've got to go," Dad said. He sounded very sad.

They both said, "I love you" and then Mom switched off the iPad. She leaned over the table and put her head on top of her arms and started crying. I wanted to go hug her, but I knew that I'd be in trouble if I went downstairs.

It was hard to go to my room, but I did. I didn't sleep all night because I was worried about Mom being so sad and about Dad being in danger. I knew he was where there was a war, but I always tried to remember what Gramma Debra told me. She said the soldiers would keep Dad safe since he was there to help people. Now I knew that Gram was just trying to help me feel better. It must not be very safe over there if Mom was crying and worrying about him getting hurt.

Dad woke me up when he called me two mornings later. He seemed relaxed when I answered the FaceTime, and he smiled at me. He explained the time difference and laughed at my bedhead. Simba came up to the phone and sniffed it while we were talking. Dad asked why the dog was in my room, so I 'fessed up and told him that Mom had been letting Simba sleep with me and letting Nala sleep with Oliver. I also told him how Bronwyn had started sleeping in Mom's bed every night. Bronwyn's usually ended up in Mom's bed no matter what, so it was easier for Mom if Bronwyn just started where she'd end up anyway.

"The rules are a little different when Dad isn't around, huh?" Dad laughed. I smiled because it was true, and I agreed with him. Then Dad said, "Well, buddy, I only have a few minutes, so we need to get right to the point. What's your guy question?"

"It feels weird to ask," I told him. He answered that he guessed it probably did, but he also said he was really proud of me for talking to him. I told him about Naomi putting her hands up my shirt and, on my back, and about how she asked me to do the same thing to her. I felt so weird talking about it with Dad, but he made it pretty easy by just listening and not reacting.

"I really like her dad and we've been together a long time. I don't want to get in trouble for doing something I'm not supposed to do, so I wanted to ask what's ok and what's not," I explained.

Dad smiled and chuckled. He told me that most boys probably just go ahead and do whatever they want with girls and don't ask their parents. Then he told me again that he was really proud of me. We talked about how Naomi and I just used to kiss a little and then we started kissing more. Now we were petting each other – that's what Dad called it. I thought that was the stupidest name ever for it. We're not dogs or cats. Geez. Dad mentioned that once we started going underneath each other's shirts, we might end up doing more and more.

Then he said the coolest thing ever. He looked right into the camera and told me, "Finley, I trust you to make wise decisions. I'm not going to tell you what to do. You can try it if you want or you can wait if it doesn't seem right. But, buddy, always remember to be kind to her, to respect her, and to make sure you really love her before you are physical together in any way…kissing, touching, whatever."

That made a lot of sense to me. Then Dad added, "And, Finley, you're way too young to have sex. You know that, right?"

"Eeewwww…Dad. I don't want to talk about that with you. You're my dad," I told him.

"If there is any kind of rule, Finley, it's that you should wait to have sex. Wait and promise me you'll talk to me before you do. I know that sounds weird and gross and stupid, but I promise to make our talk as comfortable as I can. Just don't rush into doing more than you're ready to do, ok? You have a whole lifetime ahead of you and there's no reason to hurry."

I smiled at Dad and said, "Ok. That's a deal. And, Dad? I really think you're a cool dad even though I don't say that ever."

"I think you're a pretty wonderful son, Finley. And I love you," Dad said before we had to hang up.

I hadn't been saying I love you to my parents for a long time, but I wanted to say it that morning, "I love you too, Dad. Stay safe, ok?" He waved goodbye as our connection ended and almost looked like he was trying not to cry. I decided that the picture had just frozen strangely on the phone, because there wasn't any reason why Dad would have been crying right then.

Our time in Canada was really great. The house looked almost the same as I remembered it. Since the house was rented out sometimes, any of the toys or things we left in Canada were either in the attic or in Mama Kayla and Papa Blake's old walk in closet. Mom let us play in the attic any time we wanted to, and we even got to bring back some toys and stuff.

One night, Mom found the key for the closet on Dad's keyring. She and I opened the door and discovered a bunch of pictures, baby clothes, boxes and boxes of papers, and even one of Papa's fireman uniforms. When I started looking through the pictures, I couldn't help but cry. Most of the tears were happy tears because the pictures reminded me of fun times with Mama and Papa. Mom put her arm around me and let me tell her whatever I could remember about each picture. We decided together that all the pictures needed to come home with us to Seattle. She reminded me that her dad died when she was really little, and we talked about how hard it is for a kid when a Dad dies.

I was afraid to say the words out loud, but I really wanted to know the answer. I asked Mom if Dad could die in the desert. I told her what Gram had told me, but I said I didn't believe it. Mom told me, "Finley, I hope and pray every day that Dad comes home safe, but I can't promise you he will. The Army really tries to keep doctors and medical units safe. Remember that Dad's been over there a handful of times before and has always, always, always come home safely. I try to remember that every single minute. And even though I'm sad he's there, I'm also super proud of him for saving so many lives and for being such a hero."

How do you think Finley is adjusting to the new changes?