White in every direction. No ceiling, no walls, no floors. Where am I? A hand turns over. Her hand? The only color in sight. She walks; there is no sound. Right, left, it's all the same. A figure is in front of her now. Where did it come from? What is it? A silhouette? A person? She walks closer to it. It's small, indistinguishable, an outline filled with static.

"Mommy?" the figure says. Its voice is young. "Why don't you love me mommy?"

She falters back. Mommy? What does it mean by – It starts crying. It doesn't have a face, but it's crying. She reaches out, but it runs away. "Hey wait!" She runs after it. She runs and runs, chasing the figure into the endless horizon. Thud. Her body hits against something hard. She falls on the ground and rubs her side. That definitely wasn't there before.

She looks up. Her body locks in hard panic. "Wh-what are you doing? W-why are you here?" She crawls back, not believing what she's seeing. Why is he here? Why is he here? WHY THE FUCK IS HE HERE?! All she can feel is fire. She looks down at the edge of his pants. The figure, the small figure she was just chasing, is standing behind his leg. Its arms are wrapped around him, and its face is partially hidden.

"You're pathetic," the man says. "You really believed any of that? Look at you. Fallen, on the ground, shriveling in your own tears. You're not worth my time." She reaches out, her hand weak as she tries to get to the silhouette behind his leg. But she can't. She pushes and pushes, but all she can touch is the air.

She looks back up. He's already turned around. It's not surprising. She's used to seeing his back by now. He walks away, and she can see every step he takes.

She holds her hand out to the figure. "You're still with me, right? You'll stay with me? I am your mom, after all."

The figure raises its arm and slaps her hand away. "You're not my mommy! I hate you!" It kicks up its feet and runs away from her, choosing to follow Dazai.

Rei wakes in a cold sweat. What was that? She puts a hand to her forehead. A little warm, but not nearly for a fever or anything. That figure… It was so… strangely realistic. In a way she can't describe, like a lifeform materialized.

She sits up and looks around at the stranger's room she's found herself in. Sat on some dirty, ¥5000 couch with stains on the cushions. Chipped yellow walls, half broken furniture, and random decorations scattered about. It looks like some run down motel, but she's at least aware enough to know that this indeed someone's home. She gets up and stretches her torso, surprised she's even partially dressed. Catching a yawn briefly, she finds whatever clothes she can and walks into the kitchen.

It's colder in here, which is nice. The tile floor feels great on her feet. The lovely smell of body sweat is still present, but there's not much she can do about that. She stares out at the unknown apartment, her memory blurry on how she even got here. A small, wooden table sits beyond the counter, and further than that, the door to the bedroom is open where some mildly loud snoring is coming from.

Rei squints her eyes as she stares into the black room. What was his name again? Takuma? Shimizu? Naru? No, wait, he was the one with the really spiky hair… right? No, hold on, I think that might have been… She sighs, giving up after a while and moving away from the counter. She takes one of the plastic cups and pours some water from his sink. Hopefully he doesn't mind.

Day in and day out, she doesn't even know how many guys she's seen. It seems like every day there's a new one, two, more likely even three. How did this happen? So many apartments she's been to, some better, some worse, but most are like this. A crappy little place that's never been inspected. She's more or less become accustomed to it.

A haze of neon lights, men waving her over with calling cards, waking up in a stranger's bed, then returning right back to the district. It's not ideal, obviously it isn't. But she feels so numb to the process. How long has it been now? She doesn't even know how it started. Those famous red lights that call her name.

She stares at a needle and some open bottles of pills on the counter. What is she doing? She hates when this happens. These little brushes of clarity. She knows it's wrong, she knows she shouldn't. But, god, it's the only thing she can do. Her head falls and buries into her hands. What am I doing?

A wall of shame crushes in on her. She instinctively touches against her stomach, then reflexively repels back. It's finally coming down on her. She has no idea what she's doing. She has absolutely no fucking clue what she's going to do. She's barely even thought of it, actually, she's been doing rather the opposite.

I have to make a decision regarding this thing. This… life. God, that's still so hard to say. She looks out at what she's gotten herself into. Alright, that's it. That. Is. It. I can't do this anymore. She scrambles around for her things and quickly runs out of the apartment. The thick summer air clings to her as she runs by the light of the street lamp. Down the stairs, past all the parks and buildings, to a place that now feels as strange as any stranger's home.

Rei rushes in the door, slams it shut, and slides down its wooden posterior. It's all coming in, right now. The confusion, the anxiety, the fear. All of the overwhelming emotions she's tried so hard to push away. The weight of this situation is so unimaginably grave. I can't do it alone, I just fucking can't.

She takes her phone out and goes through it. Dozens and dozens of missed calls and texts; she's missed who knows how many days of work by now. And not just from them too, everybody's been wondering what's going on. It's like she just dropped off the face of the planet. Guilt racks and sets in her. Her eyes start to water as she makes the call.

"Hey," a cheery, optimistic voice comes through.

"Hi," a scared, quivering one answers back.

The woman sits up in her chair, her voice fully serious this time. "What's going on?"

"Suzume," Rei says. "I – I made a huge mistake. I can't – I – I really messed up this time." Her breathing gets more choked up as it becomes harder to say. "I took some tests, and… I'm pregnant."

The words hang in the air. Neither of them says anything. It's just the thin static of the phone line. Rei grips her hands tighter. It's taking everything she has not to break down right now.

"Excuse me?! What?" Suzume says in pure disbelief. Rei? Pregnant? REI?! She seriously thought her sister was a virgin, or at least partially a nun. This can't be real. She listens to the silence on the side. But it is. "I'm sorry, I just," she attempts to start again, realizing her first words weren't exactly helpful. "How did this happen? I didn't even know you were seeing someone."

"I'm not."

The older woman pauses what she was doing. The pen hangs off the edge of her fingertips. "What?"

"Not in the way you think I was," Rei tells her. She draws her knees up to her chest as she recalls. "Summer two years ago, I had just started working. It was a hot day out and I was on a case in an alley. I was just doing my job, and then this guy appeared. I didn't know who he was or why he was there. I hated him from the moment I saw him, but then we just kept running into each other on various missions. And I, I don't know what's wrong with me, but things just really snowballed, and I started – I started sleeping with him, and I know it wasn't anything, just some silly little fling that I got way too wrapped up in, but I can't – I feel so worthless!" She bursts into tears. "I can't believe I let him do this! I can't believe I thought –" She sniffs into her hand and wipes at her face with her sleeve. "I'm nineteen, and pregnant! I'm such an idiot!"

"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay. Calm down," Suzume reassures her. "You're not an idiot, you're just nineteen. A lot of people do a lot of stupid things, it doesn't mean that they're stupid. Look at it this way, you're going to learn so much from this. Now, I may not know a lot about pregnancy, but I know a fair bit about you. You're smart, and capable. Just take some time, read about your options, and think it through. I know how easy it is to get caught up in these things. I was seeing so many people at your age; I relocated countries three times because I thought I found my soulmate." They both chuckle at that. Suzume smiles and leans back at her desk. Now that's more like it. "So, who the fuck is this guy, huh?" She kicks her feet up. "This bitch-ass piece of shit thinks he can mess with my little sister and get away with it?! Tell me who he is. I will walk to Japan and kick his ass."

Rei smiles, if only a little. If there were one person who could kick Dazai's ass, it would be her sister. "That doesn't matter now. He's gone. I don't know where he is, or if he's even still alive." She pushes her hair back and stares out at the pitch black apartment. "I just. I don't know what to do. Suzume, I'm so lost. I feel helpless, like every decision I make is wrong. I've been skipping out on work, ignoring all my friends. I've spent every day of the past three weeks at the Red Light District. I'm ruining my life!"

"No you're not. Everything is going to turn out fine. It's perfectly normal for you to feel overwhelmed. I know I would. This is a scary situation, and anyone in it would make some not so wise decisions. But you're already taking the steps to do what you need to. You can't just dwell on the mistakes you've made. You need to think, and I mean really think, about what you're going to do about the consequences. You have a successful job, friends, family, a place of your own. There are so many people who are here for you, to help you, and catch you when you need them to." She sits up straight in her chair and overlooks the city, a more somber tone coming to her. "How many people have you told?"

Rei presses her back closer to the door, somehow feeling even smaller. "You."

Suzume sighs. "Rei, I know you're scared, but trust me when I say this. I am here for you, mom and dad are here for you, your friends at the agency are here for you. You don't have to face this alone. We're going to be here in whatever you choose to do."

"But I don't know what to do!"

"Yes you do. Use what you have: look it up online, check out what your options are. Take the time to let it sink in and really reflect on it. You need to make the right decision for you and do right by this child. You've babysat before, you know how expensive kids are, think about this in the long term. A kid is a serious commitment; mom and dad are still dealing with our bullshit." She turns back around and faces her office again. "You'll make the right decision. I know you will."

Rei moves her hands across her stomach, knowing the decision she's going to have to make. "Thank you, Suzume." She hangs up.

She gets up off the floor and turns a light on, then makes her way over to her couch and plops herself down. "What am I going to do?" she says as she stares up at the ceiling. "What do you think I should do?" She looks down at her body. This is insane, talking to an egg like this, but she wishes she could scoop it out and have a one on one conversation with it. "Why can't you talk yet? This is your life, what do you want?" She leans her head back and gives a wry chuckle, as if a baby could tell her if it wants to live or not.

The dark, beaten up room, caked sweetly with a thick layer of dust. The walls are boarded with cheap, wooden planks. Its residue lending to the musty, sepia filter. Light drips in by the cracks in the boards. The only sign it's still daylight.

An empty beer bottle smashes against the wall. The copper shards teeter as they fly across the ground. The many piles of broken glass bask in the ash ridden light. His dull, auburn eyes vacantly watch as individual dust particles float in the air. Dazai reaches his sedentary arm for another beer. His back is fully curved with his face above his knees. Grease lines every strand of his hair. Dirt and bacteria crawl all over his face. The undersides of his nails are completely black by now.

He chugs down the bottle and throws it too when it's done. The mix of filth and warm, decades old beer run down his throat like a river. His hair completely covers his eyes; everything is such a haze. He can physically feel his body atrophy, the only thing he can feel. Roots have ingrained from his back and his arms. He couldn't possibly move them.

He blacks out again, for the who knows how manyth time. Every time he thinks of her, it burns his skin. Just the incantation of her name bleeds like a toxin into his body. A hand turned up with his mouth and eyes completely dry. He feels something wet roll down his cheek. He's surprised he has any left.

Oda is dead. Rei is gone. Ango betrayed him.

There isn't anything left for me.

Brown walls surround her on both sides. Long, thin hallways reach from the front to the back. Rei anxiously taps her feet against the pea colored carpet, her hands thumping against her legs. She stares up at the blinding white lights casting down from the ceiling, then to the row of chairs lined to her left. It's hard to tell if this is helping or not. She gazes at all the other women who are at various stages in their terms. A lump forms in her throat and she looks down.

Come on, just do it. You have to do it. It's only humane, right? Think about the kid. I am in no position to raise a child. She looks around at all the other people who are way more prepared than her. What if it wants to do sports? Or decides it's really into music? Or games? She huffs. This kid is going to be completely miserable.

But there is something that holds her back. It's insane, well. It's like this kid is a part of her. She rolls her eyes. Obviously it is in the literal sense... There's just this… feeling… of loss. She understands that child rearing is an asininely arduous task, yet. She stops herself. It's not something she can put into words. But this child... They're going to be half Port Mafia. She drops her head into her hands. I can't bring that into the world.

"Next patient," a nurse calls out from the doorway. Rei glances at the number moving across the board above the window, then to the ticket in her hand. She gets up and walks to where the nurse is. "Are you ready?" the woman asks.

Rei looks back at the room one last time, at all the other expectant mothers waiting to terminate. You have to. You have to. You have to. She turns back to the nurse who's waiting for her. But I can't. She slowly shakes her head and starts to back away. "I'm sorry, I can't do this." She turns around and flees out of the building.

She runs out into the parking lot where she just grabs her head over and over. Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck. What have I done? I've just gone and fucked up my life, again. It'll take forever to book another appointment. It was a miracle she was even able to get this one. She walks around, biting her lip as she paces through the lot. I'm actually losing my mind. She takes out her phone and makes a call, the line going straight to voicemail.

"Hey Suzume. It's me, again. I'm sorry I keep calling you. It's just, you know. Um, I went to the clinic today, and. I – I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I was so prepared; I was ready for all of it. But I just, dropped the ball. I don't know. I'm just going to try to make another appointment or something. Don't worry about it. I'll be fine. Okay, thanks, bye."

She hangs up and walks out a bit. The multiple rows of cars catch her attention as she does. It's soothing, for some reason. Some are more beat up or shiny than others, but they're all cars. Huh, cars… that's probably something I should invest in. She hums as she leaves the lot.

Rei ambles freely around the city. She has no idea where's she's going, if anywhere at all. It's sometimes nice to simply walk for the sake of walking. It's a nice day too, she'll admit. Warm, but not quite into the territory of hot yet. Maybe it's necessary. To sometimes not think once in a while. It seems like that's all she does nowadays, even before all the pregnancy stuff. If not with life, then definitely work. Following cases nonstop, coming up with plans to corner suspects, playing a constant game of chess…

She looks up at where she is now. The wide, open field with people playing sports. The well kept playground with a bunch of kids running around on it. This was one of her favorite places as a child. She's always loved this park, and hated when their parents would make them leave. It seems like forever since she'd last been here.

She walks along the stone pathway and stares out a bench a little ways away. I cried myself to sleep on that bench. She smiles, then laughs. She remembers when that memory would've never made her smile. That seems like so long ago now. It's funny how her feet have brought her here. It does make sense though. Some of her favorite memories were at this park. Like that time when she punched her sister in the face, then Suzume dangled her upside down from the monkey bars until their parents told them to stop. Good times.

It's a short trip of reminiscence though, as she soon bumps into something, or rather, someone. Rei rubs her head as it bounces off of a back, looking up at the sudden stranger as she begins to apologize. "Sorr –"

"Oh, hey Rei," an unexpectedly familiar voice stops her.

The woman gawks a bit as she realizes. She didn't think she'd run into anyone she knows while she's out, let alone a friend. How serendipitous that he'd be at this park too. "Takuto," she says almost in a whisper, as if only for herself. "Hey, how have you been?"

"Pretty good actually," he tells her. "Things are pretty fluctuative at the station right now, some days we have mountains of work, others there's hardly anything, though I'm sure you know plenty about that," he laughs lightly. She simply nods, not wanting to tell him that she hasn't actually been to work in over a month. "School's going well too," he adds. "I'm just a little over halfway done now." She smiles, happy for him. "So, how have things been with you?"

Rei looks down, thinking of what to say in this situation. She could always lie and say things are just peachy, but that'd be a pretty big lie. "I," she starts, but soon trails off. He is a close friend, but does she really want to bother him about this? He'd probably think she were insane.

"Is something going on?" Takuto asks, noticing how hesitant she is.

Rei sighs. "No, I'm f –" She looks up at him. The fresh daylight dances perfectly on his warm, sunshiny face. There's just something about it that relaxes her, eases her mind and effortlessly takes the edge off. This is the first friendly face she's seen in weeks. "Actually, can we talk for a bit?"

"Sure," he gives her a nice, easy going smile. "I'm done for the day, so we can talk all you want."

She smiles back at him, very grateful. "Thank you." She grabs his arm, then they leave the park together.

Daylight breaks, or maybe it doesn't, he can't tell. It's not like there's any difference anyway. Morning, day, night. He's lost track of the days, weeks, maybe months even. The concept of time has lost him; he has no idea how long he's been here. It just feels like long enough, not too long, infinity in some ways. There's nothing left. Withered away to where all he can feel is the warmth of the mildew. It's never felt so bad to be so close to death.

Dazai hits his head back against the cracked stand. It feels so good when the splinters puncture his skin. He can only hope that one of them will lead to an infection. It all feels lost. Nothing more, nothing less, than lost. A drifter now with no guide, or even a candle. Day in and day out, all he does is drink and black out.

Every second he's awake it seems he has a headache. Whether that's from the drinking or his own fucked up mind he isn't sure. It's surprising he has any body mass left considering how many times he's vomited. Again, who knows how much of that he can blame on the alcohol. The smell is rancid, he's sure, but he's sat in it for so long it's become a part of him. Where do I go? What do I do? What is my purpose anymore?

He picks up another empty bottle and throws it at the wall. The glass hits the frail structure and pokes a hole in its place. The thudding in his head gets more pronounced as light comes in, but he's so accustomed to its droll already. Dazai sits as the beam lines directly with his eye. Huh, so there is still light outside. He reaches over and takes another bottle in his hand.

What am I doing? He stares with his back arched at the single ray that has come into the room. What am I doing? He raises his arms and moves them back and forth. His muscles ache at just the smallest task. Slowly he regains control of his limbs. The decaying, aged counter offers what little support it can as he incrementally stands up.

He looks out at the hole again. It's nearly evening now. He rotates his shoulders, trying to get the blood circulating. The last specks of the rust tinted sky trickle in on him, its embers like a glow, the first of the outside he's seen in who knows how long. Getting wasted multiple times a day, stewing around in his own filth. All of it and his demons are only getting worse. No wonder Rei left me. Twice, he reminds himself.

He pushes himself up off the counter, trying for the first time in weeks to stand on his own. I can't do this anymore. He wobbles a bit as he regains his balance. His head is pounding and he can hardly think straight. Being holed up in this room for so long, it feels as though years have passed since he's last seen another face. I can't do this anymore. He stumbles to the door and opens it.

The light of the evening sky hits him in full force. Dazai clutches his head, still fostering a hangover from the last time he lost consciousness apparently. There has to be a way. I need to find a way. How can he though? He doesn't have a plan for this. He doesn't have anything. It's such a desperate feeling, being lost like this. All of my old contacts are gone, though it's not like those could help me anyway. Well, except for…

Dazai bites his tongue. The taste of treason doesn't get any less bitter with age. Some way. He has to find some way. To save the weak. To protect the orphans. I will find a way. He steps outside, and admittedly, it does feel liberating.

A single parchment lays on an otherwise empty desk. The barren room is much like that too. A solitary desk sits up against the wall, a small chair accompanying it. The walls aren't painted, the floor isn't done. It's a small room, but that's fine, she's had no use for it before now. It wasn't even three months ago when she bought the desk to put in it, mainly so that it wasn't completely empty.

Rei stares at the paper, wondering if she's really about to do this. To write a letter that will never be sent. To write to someone she'll never see again. It's a funny thought, writing a letter to someone who left her so easily. But I have to do it. I have to fully confront and accept the truth. He's gone. He's gone and he's never coming back. She sits with her hands in her lap. I can't waste any more time dwelling on if he's alive or not.

Rei takes out a pen, a pretty blue one her mom gave her, and begins writing on the paper. It's slow and hesitant; she crosses out everything immediately after she's written it. Small drops of water hit the page before she crumples it up and gets out a new one. She has to do it again and again; she had no idea how difficult this would be.

How can she? After two years of bottling it up and holding it in. To now have to pour everything out, to let it all go. This whole secret, this weight on her shoulder. To finally confess to everything that happened between them. On this single sheet that has to bear witness to the crevices of her soul. Ink glides on the paper, carrying with it everything she's felt in the past two years. To have to fully acknowledge all the anger, all the pain. To have to remember all the bliss, and all the fun. To have to put on the line everything he's ever made her feel.

To have to put in writing all the things she could never say, and now, never can. She writes down all the things she wishes she could say to him, all the things she wished she did. The ink moves from heavier to light, from rushed to deliberate. A story of so much sorrow, and so much joy. So much left and so much that can't be done. But that doesn't matter now. Let go. That's what she has to do. To let go. It's hard enough to write this for the living, but maybe it's even harder for the dead.

Rei gets up and looks at it. She'd read over the letter, but it's too difficult. She gets the lighter from her pocket and holds it up to the page. A finger presses on the trigger and ignites the flame. Rei stares at the fire as it approaches the sheet.

She shuts her eyes and puts the lighter down, setting the letter back on the desk. She looks over at the neatly crafted penmanship, at her heart and soul laid out on a singular rectangular box. She can't do it; she just can't do it. Maybe at some other time. Maybe on some other day. But now, right now, she can't do it. The whole purpose of the letter was for it to be destroyed. She folds the paper up and puts it in her shirt pocket. Someday. I'll be strong enough someday. She pushes in her chair and softly closes the door.