Chapter 84: Tell Me More

Bronwyn's Therapy

I always like the days when I get to see Erin. She's my ferret-tist. When I go there, I play with this super cool sand table. It's like a sandbox but inside a table as high as my belly. There are toys in the sand – blocks, aminals, cars, tiny Barbies, little rakes and shovels, peoples, and jewels. Sometimes I stand next to it and play in it. Sometimes I sit on a chair. One time, I askeded if I could sit in it, but Erin said no.

Erin likes to talk while we play with sand. She asks lots of questions about feelings and about Daddy being gone. I think Erin must be lonely. She's all alone in her office with her sand table except when I am there. That's probably why she likes to talk so much…because she misses being with people. I try to talk a lot, so she has someone to talk to. I talk about how I miss Daddy, but have happy dreams about him having fun in the giant sand desert he's living in. He's a hero and is being a doctor there and helping soldiers who need sir-grr-ies. He's also a boss person, so he helps other people know how to do their jobs…kind of like he does at home, I guess.

Sometimes, Erin asks me about my brothers. I don't really like talking about them. I'm mostly ok to talk about Finley, but I don't like talking about Oliver. I tolded Erin once that Finley was sometimes bossy but I knewed he loved me. Most of the time, Finley is ok to me. One time when I tolded her I didn't want to talk about Oliver, she kept asking about him anyway. I tooked a toy cow and had him knock over the blocks I stackeded in the sand. I told her that's how I felt about Oliver. Erin was so smart – for her next question, she askeded me if I got angry at Oliver a lot. I tolded her that Oliver was mean and calleded me names. He makes me want to growl like how Simba growls if you try to take away his food. If Mommy isn't listening, Oliver makes fun of my hair and calls me ginger. He never says that to Ella or Daddy. I bet Oliver would be in lots of trouble if he saided that to Daddy.

I like when Erin and I talk about school and dancing. My mantasorti school is funner than that icky school the boys go to. I like my school lots. And dancing has been my favorite forever. I told Erin how sometimes I try to dance with the babies. They aren't very good at dancing but I tolded her I want to teach them how to dance when they getted older.

Mommy usually comes in and talks to Erin. Erin tells Mommy that I seem pretty happy and ok even though Daddy is far away. Sometimes Erin reminds Mommy for me to make art and presents to send to Daddy. He likes that a lot. I think Erin worries Daddy might be lonely like her. I can be a helper for both of them because I like to talk and make crafts and play with them.

Oliver's Therapy

My therapist Paul is super cool. He is really funny, and he has tattoos. Sometimes he shows or teaches me magic tricks. One time, Paul asked me what I would do if I was magic. I told him I'd handcuff Finley somewhere so he couldn't hit or push me, I'd make Bronwyn disappear, and I'd also bring Daddy home. Paul asked me if I'd do anything else magic to Mom, Sarah, Lynne or the babies. I said no. I'd make sure the dogs were my assistants, though. I love, love, love my dogs. Sometimes, they are my best friends. I like to snuggle with them in their bed in the garage.

Since Dad's been gone, Mom has let Nala sleep on my bed with me. I told Paul how she licks me when I cry about Dad being gone. Nala loves me lots. Cuddling her makes me not feel so angry or sad.

One time, when I was feeling super sad, Paul said we could go play soccer in the field by his office. We had fun but it really made me miss Dad more. Dad is fun to play with and loves to play outside with me and Finley. Nobody really plays outside since Dad left. It's winter and super rainy, but that never stopped Dad. He grew up in Seattle and always says that a little rain won't hurt anybody. When he's with us, we get to jump in mud puddles and make a big mess. Mom doesn't like jumping in mud puddles. She doesn't really like going outside in the rain. Mom grew up in New York – it must not rain there because Mom is kind of a rain Grinch. Plus, Mom doesn't like us outside in the yard unless a grown up is with us since we live at the lake. That's what was fun about Canada – we got to play outside a lot because our house there has a fence.

Sometimes Uncle Derek comes over with our cousins and we play outside. Two times, we got to stay the night with Uncle Derek and Auntie Mer at their house. Uncle Derek took us to the trailer, and we had a campfire and everything, just like the time we all went camping together. Sometimes Dr. Avery comes over for dinner and will play outside with us too. He even lets us call him Jackson when Mom isn't around. That's his first name. He's the only grown up that has ever let me call him by his first name, so I think he is cool.

I told Paul the other day that I used to really be Mom's boy when I was little. I remember snuggling with her at the hospital when she was pregnant with the twins. I don't really like Mom anymore. She's almost always tired or busy with the babies. Bronwyn gets to sleep with her, but I don't. Sometimes Mom plays hot lava with us or even lets us watch TV during the week and that's fun. Otherwise, she's not very fun anymore.

When Dad was home, sometimes he'd be the one who said no or that I got in trouble from. Now, it's always Mom. Anytime I'm in trouble, Mom is mad at me or sending me to my room or telling me to do extra chores. Our house just isn't as fun as it used to be before Dad left. Plus, Mom cries a lot, especially at night. I don't think she knows that I know, but I can hear her sometimes. Paul asked me how I feel when I hear Mom cry. I don't know why, but it just makes me super angry. I feel like punching or yelling. Sometimes I punch my pillows.

When we are at home and stuck inside, I try to play with the babies and to remember my chores, but I like causing trouble more. Paul always asks me why I like that more, but I don't know. I make good choices at school and I make good choices for Sarah and Lynne most of the time. Paul asked me if maybe I want Mom's attention when all us kids are with her and if that's why I do mean stuff to get her attention. That sounded kind of stupid to me. Today, Paul asked me if maybe I would like to have time alone just with Mom. I was still so mad at her for being so mean on the way to therapy that I didn't think that was a good idea. Paul asked me to think about it and come up with an idea or two for how Mom and I could have special time just us. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess so."

Mom came in at the end of today's therapy. I was still kind of mad at her, but I couldn't remember why. My cheek still hurt from Finley hitting me too, so I was crabby. Paul told Mom that she had the same homework as me – to think of ways we could be together just us. She smiled and told me how much she'd like that. Inside my head, I just thought to myself, "Whatever."

Finley's Therapy

Adam is my therapist and I go talk to him because Mom and Dad both say that it's good for us kids to have someone to talk to about Dad being gone. I talk to Lynne and Mom and Sarah about Dad being gone, so I'm not sure why I need to talk to Adam too. Since Adam is a guy, is nice, and sometimes asks me questions that make me think, I'm ok with going to therapy.

I think Oliver needs therapy more than anyone else. He's a super pill since Dad left. He used to be happy and funny; now, he's angrier and crabbier. Oliver never used to whine, but now he does a lot. He's worse than Bronwyn when it comes to whining. At least she's still little, so it kind of makes sense for her to do it.

Most of the time, I really try hard to be as perfect as I can. I know Mom has so much to do and takes care of all of us kids. Now Mom is also the boss at home with Lynne, Sarah, and Marcus. Plus, she has to be both the nice parent and the in-trouble parent, so I try to help be more of a grown up than a kid to help her out.

Today, Adam told me that he had talked to my teacher and that she told him how I'd been falling asleep in class a lot. He told me I wasn't in trouble but asked me why that happened. I said I didn't know. He asked if I slept at night and I kind of raised my shoulders, then I folded my arms. I didn't want to talk about this stuff, but I didn't want to cause a problem, so I didn't tell Adam that. After we were both quiet for a minute, Adam said I could think about that and he'd ask me later. I hoped he forgot to ask again.

Adam asked me what I did at home for fun since Dad left. I told him what I usually tell him – that I do my homework, help with the babies, do my chores, and try to get Bronwyn and Oliver to do their chores. Adam asked me if I thought all that was fun, and I just told him I guessed so. I reminded him that Mom needs a lot of help and I need to help her, so that's what matters. Adam asked me if Mom told me I needed to help her like that. I was honest and told him that sometimes she asks for my help, like today in the car, but that she never asked me to keep track of my brother and sisters all the time. I just knew she needed me to do that because I've always been the oldest kid. I know how to be responsible.

Then we talked about my grades. Man, Adam really pushed me a lot today. I almost felt like crying sometimes, but I wasn't about to let him see me cry. My grades haven't been very good since Dad left. It's hard for me to concentrate and to remember what I'm learning. My teacher tries to be patient with me, and she helps me more than she used to. I told Adam I was trying, but that 7th grade was just harder than 6th grade. He smiled and said he understood.

When Mom came in, Adam asked if we could talk more about responsibility and how I work hard to help Mom. I thought it was kind of weird that he wanted to talk about something I was doing so good at instead of about my grades or sleeping in class. I was glad, though, because Mom didn't know the school stuff yet. Adam asked me to share about how I work hard to help out, so Mom could hear me talk about it. The three of us talked a little and then Adam asked if he could talk just to Mom because they needed to set up our next appointments. He explained that he knew we usually did that at the front desk, but he was going to do it this time. I went out in the waiting room and looked through old magazines until everyone else was done.

Amelia's Thoughts and Reflections

Sometimes therapy days seem to relieve the tension. Everyone gets some time to focus on themselves and their worries before we go home and can relax. The therapists help re-direct the kids so they're more aware of how they treat one another, and the kids get to process some of their feelings about Owen being gone. It helps.

Therapy days usually turn in to movie nights – everyone seems tapped out after dinner, so vegging out in front of the TV seems to be my best bet for a peaceful night. Having the three older kids hang out on the couch gives me more focused time with the twins, too. They seem to sort of go with the flow of our chaotic days and lives. Having time to just focus on and play with the little girls is a treat.

Today, after the horrible car fiasco when we arrived at therapy, I felt like driving off and leaving all of the kids at therapy for a week or so. The screaming, hitting, and teasing has only gotten worse the longer Owen has been away. Lynne keeps reminding me that she is more than willing to cover some afternoons so I can have a break. I already feel so guilty about Owen being away that it's tough for me to make time for myself when I could be with the kids. I think Lynne must have said something to Owen recently, because he's been nudging me to have Lynne work more hours. There just aren't any easy answers – if I take more time for myself, the kids get even less time with a parent. If I don't take a break, Owen constantly reminds me, I'll just run myself ragged. I told O the other day that maybe I'd just escape to Bermuda for a week and that Lynne and Sarah could cover the home front. It was wonderful to hear him laugh at that suggestion. I miss his laughter. Hell…I miss everything about him.

I was surprised when Adam suggested that Finley go to the waiting room when I went to check in during Fin's session. As soon as Finley was out of the room, I asked Adam if everything was ok.

He looked into my eyes thoughtfully and asked, "How much is Finley helping out?"

"I don't know what I'd do without him, Adam. He's invaluable. I don't even ask for his help, but he jumps up to change the babies or to remind the other kids to do their chores. He's been such a godsend to me since Owen left," I responded.

Adam explained that he'd spoken to Finley's teacher – they often share observations and ideas, so I was fine with that. However, Adam shared today that Finley's grades are slipping and that he's falling asleep in class a lot. Adam's hunch is that Finley is not sleeping well but couldn't get much out of Finley today when he tried to bring up the topic. However, the more Adam chatted with Fin today, the more convinced Adam became that Finley is holding himself to a ridiculously high standard. The caring kid is trying like hell to be a grown up and to be my partner.

I felt like such an idiot when Adam shared that, because, I admitted, I'd been praising Finley lately for those exact behaviors. I even told Finley last night that I was proud of how much he'd grown up since Owen left. Apparently, I've been encouraging the very behaviors that are tearing Finley apart internally. The poor 13-year-old is trying to be 23 or 33. That's a hell of a lot of pressure for a kid.

Adam also shared that he and Owen had spoken on the phone a few days ago. Apparently, Finley and Naomi are becoming a bit more…intimate. Owen called Adam and told him about a recent father-son conversation they shared. While it was fantastic that Finley talked to Owen about what was and wasn't ok as far as physical affection between, he and Naomi was concerned, Adam was troubled about how deeply Finley was afraid of making a mistake.

Today's session ended with us setting up a time to chat more one-on-one. I promised to try to have Owen on the phone with us if possible. Adam was hoping to put a game plan in place that would lessen the self-imposed load that Finley has been carrying. In the meantime, Adam stressed that I absolutely had to start relying on Lynne and Sarah more. As much as I respect and like Adam, his insights today were hard to swallow.

Then, as if all of that wasn't enough, Adam leaned back in his chair and said, "I'm going to go out on a limb here, Amelia."

I responded hesitantly, "Ok…"

"That baby you're carrying…when are you going to start taking better care of yourself so you don't end up dehydrated and exhausted and so the rest of your pregnancy goes off without a hitch?"

"How did you know I'm pregnant?!" I asked, completely amazed by the apparently clairvoyant therapist.

"Ah," Adam nodded, "I was right. It was a hunch I had. That's the part where I was going out on a limb." Then Adam looked at me almost with pity and strongly beseeched me, "Please slow down, take time for yourself, rest. You are so fortunate to have Lynne and Sarah – let them help you. There's nothing to feel guilty about – some rest and time away from the kids now and then will make you a better mom. Besides, it's good for your kids to see that even Mom has her limits."

Adam stood up and hugged me. He hugged me tightly, but not inappropriately. He stopped everything he was doing and simply held me. Every now and then I'd get a quick hug from Derek, Jackson, or others at the hospital but, nobody had hugged me like Adam did since Owen left. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing in his arms. He sat down next to me and we chatted for half an hour. I felt so much lighter when I left Adam's office. I'd been so worried about the kids that I'd forgotten about myself. Adam gave me a card for a therapist near the hospital. Between the kids and me, we'd soon know every therapist in Seattle.

How do you think the kids are holding up since Owen was deployed?