Chapter 55

2008

"When you see a dart, you dodge its beam!" Alex said as the door to their quarters closed behind them. She'd started packing boxes. When? He hadn't been gone that long? And he wasn't in the mood to ask. She raised her hand and touched his shoulder, but he couldn't face her. It wasn't helping. Nothing was. And she knew it.

Evan shook his head and shrugged out of his jacket, dropping her hand along with it. He'd just come from his talk with Sheppard, McKay, Ronon and Carter and their accusative glances were enough to make him throw his jacket on the ground even now. "Fuck!" His heart was still pumping, his thoughts racing. How could he have let this happen?!

"Evan-"

"Just-" he let out a long breath and shook his head. "Don't."

"Tell me what happened. She didn't duck? What? You did? Tell me." She wasn't coming closer. She wasn't reaching out to touch him again and he was glad that she didn't. He didn't think he could bear it right now.

"I-" He shook his head and dropped down on the bed, his face buried in his hands. He'd barely managed to look Carter in the eye. But facing her had been easy in comparison. Alex had been in a similar situation on Ba'al's ship, but at least then he'd had a lead. There wasn't much of a lead now. Their only one had been taken along with Teyla. "She found a merchant who had something belonging to her people. And then there was that guy he'd bought the things from. We were going to take him in, to follow up on the trail. We were… so close to the Gate." He closed his eyes. Teyla had just been about to argue that she should come along to the planet where the trader was going to take them. That she should be there when they went looking for the Athosians. He could still see her face, the determination in her eyes. "And then we heard a Dart. We jumped to the side, but- the guy just grabbed her. Kept her from getting away. And they were picked up by the beam." He ripped his radio from his ear and threw it on the bed. "I should have known."

"You couldn't have known, Evan," she said quietly, sitting down next to him.

"No," he breathed. He couldn't believe it. He'd screwed up yet again! Once more he'd failed to protect. The list of names on his conscience would never get shorter. "I should just quit," he murmured, wiping his face. This wasn't at all what he thought this job would be like eighteen years ago. He'd known from the very beginning that hurting people, even killing people was part of the deal. That failing to keep harm from someone was part of the deal. But this- this was too much.

Sam.

Gray.

Javier.

Nora.

Alex.

Teyla.

All those people who wouldn't have to get hurt, had he done his job right.

"There was nothing you-"

"I really don't want to hear that right now." He jumped to his feet and picked up the radio again. "And I know I'm saying this now, but to be honest, I'd much rather-"

"You'd much rather wallow."

He whirled around, surprised at the harsh tone in her voice, but not taken aback. She was still sitting on the bed, frowning at him, her eyebrows knit so tightly together they were almost forming one line. Her disapproval, her non-verbal criticism made it hard to back down. "I-" Evan broke off and shook his head.

"She's still out there and you're not gonna give up!" She rose to her feet and reached for her notebook. Was she seriously going to leave him like this?

"I- no!"

"See?" She nodded without smiling and started moving towards the door. "You'll find her. This whole base will be out there looking for her."

"The Athosians have been missing for half a year now." And there was little to no trace of them. But of course she was right. He wiped his forehead and shrugged. "Sorry, I'm just so angry at myself. I let this happen and-"

"Fix it, then." When he looked at her now, as she was standing in the doorway, her notebook in her hands.

"Did they find Teyla?" Anna asked the moment Alex showed up at her quarters. Her friend was walking constantly now, because sitting, or, heaven forbid, lying down was unbearable. She'd done enough of that these past few months.

Alex shook her head and accepted the glass of water Anna handed her. She'd just been to see Evan before his debriefing and the feverish look in his eyes still rattled her. Teyla had gone missing four days ago. Four days during which every waking moment had been dedicated to trying to find Teyla. It wasn't just that Teyla was one of the most valuable members of the expedition, but people felt like losing her was one of the worst things that had happened. Teyla should have been safe with Major Lorne as they went looking for Teyla's people.

Alex knew that everybody was thinking it.

She knew that Evan was thinking it.

The fact was that nobody was ever safe. Not on Earth, not in Atlantis. And everybody on this base knew that too.

"How is he?"

"He didn't send a message." Alex sighed. Sheppard and his team had gone to find their Wraith ally and talked to him. For some reason Sheppard had thought it a great idea to call him Todd. And this Todd had told them about a place where Michael liked to keep prisoners. And this Michael, by the looks of it, had intended to bring Teyla there, but they had arrived too early. They'd found a prisoner, though. Not Teyla, but someone else. Beckett.

Beckett, who was supposed to be dead.

Alex hadn't seen him yet, but according to what she'd heard, it really was him. A copy. A clone. But Beckett in the flesh.

But Evan hadn't come back through the Gate. He, Jonas, Oliver, Fisherman and the others on their teams had remained on the Daedalus to keep looking for Michael's hive and they wouldn't be back for another couple of days.

Anna nodded. "No, neither did Oliver." She reached for the stack of cards sitting on the small coffee table by the sofa and started shuffling the cards. "I guess they didn't have the time."

"Doesn't help, though."

"No." With a shrug, Anna started distributing the cards. She was worried, too, and, to be fair, Alex had never seen her friend like this before. This was Oliver's first mission since the birth of their son and Alex remembered all too well what it had been like to watch Evan take off after they got Nora back.

"They'll be okay."

Anna didn't answer. They'd thought the same thing would hold true for Teyla. And who could know what Teyla might be going through right now? Anna picked up her own cards and started sorting them. There was no need to talk about which game they'd play. It was always the same. The very same, which Alex had taught to Teyla about a day before she'd gone missing.

Alex bit her lip and picked up her own stack of cards. "Have you seen him yet?"

"Who?" Anna frowned at her cards and pulled the coffee table closer. It was much too small, but they could use the sofa just as well.

"Carson."

"No. You?"

Alex shook her head and started sorting the cards. "I should, though. Tomorrow maybe."

She hated waiting. She'd never been particularly good at it and she dreaded what the coming months held in store for her because of it.

She spent her days transcribing the interviews, no matter how painful it was to hear the voices she thought she'd never hear again. Listening to them telling stories about times long gone. About legends and heroes and politicians and traitors. Very basic, human stories full of meaning and pain and love and fear. The dull typing helped her blend them all into one giant mass. A week after Teyla's disappearance she was a quarter of the way through the interviews.

And then they turned up. Through the Gate, along with Sheppard's team. They'd found them and it was a big relief. Except that they didn't bring Teyla, who was still Michael's prisoner. They only brought home her people.

Evan, Oliver and the others arrived two days later, but for Alex there was nothing to do but work. Research, transcribe interviews, write reports. Another dull routine, but it distracted her from working. Those were the few useful things she could do.

She talked to Beckett. Just briefly. There'd been some problem with the cloning process, and Keller had put him into stasis with the promise of reviving him as soon as she found a cure. What they needed, Keller had told her in confivende, was a clone of Ba'al, so she could study him. Obviously Ba'al had found a path that worked.

And that was what Evan was working on right now together with Keller. He and her were in Carter's office, talking urgently to her to try and convince her not to order him and his team to solely use their resources for humanitarian aid. With the recent outbreak of a disease which appeared to have been systematically planted by Michael, the expedition was busy trying to contain it as best they could. All other scientific projects had been put on hold, because, obviously, this disease took priority.

Alex could see Evan gesturing as he stood in front of Carter, but Alex already knew that the chances of Carter allowing him to prioritize the pursuit of Ba'al was less then slim. Keller stood next to him, arms crossed over her chest as she listened and chimed in occasionally.

Alex hadn't accompanied them. This whole thing already looked like all they wanted was to find Ba'al and bring him to justice as it was. And it wasn't as though the thought had ever really left their mind. And she doubted Carter felt any different.

Chuck got up from his console and moved over to the table on the right, where the technicians kept a coffee maker and some other things that weren't allowed anywhere near the ten thousand year old consoles. "Want some tea?" he asked and Alex nodded absentmindedly.

"Thanks."

"Don't tell McKay I walked past the computers though." He smiled vaguely as he approached her with an enormous mug. The scent of red berries and cinnamon made her return his smile.

"I won't," she promised. "Thank you." She took a sip and ignored that it was searing hot. Chuck nodded once, patted her shoulder and moved back to his console without pouring himself a mug of tea. Was she seriously looking that bad?

She scratched her chin and smiled vaguely at Johnson, who was sitting behind Chuck. The young woman with he dark hair returned her smile and kept working. She'd been questioned about Javier's death as well.

So far, the investigation hadn't amounted to anything and Alex doubted it would. Not, at least, until they could spare the time and resources to do it properly. To look at the security footage more than just a dozen times. To ask the same questions over and over again. To find someone with a real motive to kill him. Until then, Alex would choose to believe that Javier's passing had been due to natural causes, the way Keller suspected. With no trace of poison or trauma, anything else was highly unlikely anyway.

Evan left Carter's office and he looked calm enough as he approached Alex, who was still standing near the bridge leading from the control room area to Carter's office. "Lunch?" They couldn't very well discuss what he, Keller and Carter had talked about out here. Keller had remained behind to talk about the disease.

She shook her head. "I guess I should lie down. I'm a little tired." She put the mug back down on the table. She'd only drunk half of it, but she was still grateful for the warmth it had provided her with.

"Right. Come on, I'll walk you." He waited until they'd been in the transport and had arrived on the South-East Pier, where their new living quarters were located. They'd moved there only the previous day with the help of Evan's team and Oliver, who had moved there a couple of months ago with Anna. The quarters on that side of the city were bigger than the ones in the central tower, and given their circumstances, it had just appeared the right thing to do.

They turned right and Evan gently put his arm around her. "She said no," he said quietly and Alex nodded. She hadn't really expected anything else. "At least not right now. She said, since Beckett is in stasis, there's no real need to rush things. And I grudgingly agree." They'd arrived and he waved his hand over the sensor. "Teyla and that illness are our priority right now." He didn't sound too happy though, but also not really surprised. She didn't complain as he pulled her with him into their new apartment, where boxes upon boxes still took up most of the surface. How had they managed to gather that much stuff? She'd wondered about that for some time now.

"I just hate that there's nothing I can do to help."

"Yes, I know," Evan muttered as he sat down on one of the chairs. "But at least we tried." It wasn't a big consolation, but as he hugged her middle and pulled her close, she knew he didn't feel like trying was enough. She brushed a hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head. What else was there to say?

They'd keep looking.

They'd keep fighting.

And for now that was all they could do.