CHAPTER 62

Father John had never had children.

At one time, he had considered the idea of being a father. Before becoming a priest, at the time when he had still been seeing, wanted to be a writer and when his relationship with Mary had become serious.

Today he had given up on that idea. By choice. And in the end, he had never really experienced it as a lack.

He knew little about parenting, but he was sure of a universal truth: the pain of losing a child was unjust, intense pain that was difficult to heal.

As a priest, he had often met bereaved parents and even if he'd tried to bring them comfort, he could not remain insensitive to it. No one was to suffer this pain. And hearing the whole story from the Cybertronian who had been the most important one in Wing's life, Father John couldn't help but feel how Wing should have felt.

Knowing that his friend, one of his only friends, had gone through such a ordeal ... it was a shock. Unnamed shock and pain. A pain for which God gave little answer.

"... Wing ..."

As Drift had finished telling the story, about Heavenlight, about the one who had been Wing's daughter, a heavy silence fell.

Father John looked for his words. But he found none. What could he say to someone who had just learned of the loss of a child he had loved and cared for?

And knowing Wing, Heavenlight must have been the happiest with him.

"... I ..." he heard Wing. "... I ... I need ..."

He paused before recovering, finishing his sentence.

He talked to Drift. According to the exchanges of the two Cybertronians, the communication had not been cut off.

"... Thank you, Drift. Thank you ... for being honest with me."

"... I'm really sorry, Wing."

"You ... you don't have to be."

Then Wing cleared his voice.

"I just needed to know. Now I know. I can move on."

"Wing ... you ... you don't have to pretend. You have every right to hold it against us. We would understand."

It was Drift's voice that was shaking.

"What we did is unacceptable and unforgivable. We should never have erased your memories... we should never have made you forget Heavenlight ... without your consent ..."

"I assure you" replied Wing gently. "I am not mad at you. I do not blame you. There is no harm."

He guessed a smile on Wing's lips.

"Thanks again. And sorry to have bothered you ..."

"Wing ..."

"By the way, did you find a date for the spark bonding ceremony?"

A silence answered him. Father John shared the same emotion that his interlocutors must have felt.

Surprise. Shock.

"…No. Not yet" finally replied Drift's mate instead.

"Don't hesitate to call me if you need a helping hand. I would be happy to help you."

"Wing ..."

"I'll leave you now. You ... you must have a lot of work. And ... we need to prepare for our next mission. I was delighted to speak to you."

He paused.

"I was delighted. See you soon."

He heard a thud. Father John understood that he had cut communication.

He felt Wing straighten up.

Father John kept his hand on the metal. The priest wanted to adopt a professional attitude. He wanted to behave the same way he behaved with those he met. Those who asked him to ensure the farewell ceremony of a loved one, whether it be a parent, a spouse, a child.

He wanted to speak with a calm, composed, reassuring attitude. Listen, comfort.

Father John wanted to wear the priest's mask. But when it came to Wing, he didn't feel like it.

"I ... I have no words to describe ... how sorry I am."

Don't go, Father John thought. Not after such news ... don't find yourself alone ... please.

Wing replied calmly.

"Father John. I assure you that I am fine."

Something was missing in his tone.

"You have every right to crack. You ... you don't have to pretend. No one will judge you"

"I'm not pretending."

Wing cleared his throat.

"I ... I don't feel any pain. I assure you, Father John. I ... I have to admit that I expected to react worse than that ... but ... in the end, it's not as hard as I imagined."

"You haven't realized it yet," said Father John sadly.

He knew the five stages of grief. Wing was obviously in the first phase.

The denial phase.

"Yes. I realize that I had a daughter. A girl I loved and who ..."

He did not finish his sentence, however.

"I got the answer I was looking for. I now know who Heavenlight is. That's all I was looking for. I just have to move on."

"Wing ... you have every right to be sad, to be angry."

He heard the Cybertronian swallow.

"Maybe I have a twinge of spark, Father John. At the thought of having a daughter that I lost. But ... I don't feel the pain I expected. Even if she was my child ... I don't know Heavenlight."

He took a breath.

"... I must be a monster, right?"

"No, of course not."

"And I don't feel any anger either. Neither towards Drift, nor towards Gasket, nor towards Dai Atlas. I know they did this for my good. You heard it like me. I was inconsolable. I let myself die ... And maybe it's better like that. Maybe it was better to get my data erased. I don't hold it against them. Maybe I should ... but I know they wanted to protect me."

Father John had no answer to give. Any.

Perhaps because he was completely ignorant of Cybertronian technology that made it possible to erase people's memories. Maybe because Wing's reaction was beyond him. Maybe Dai Atlas, Gasket and Drift were right to do this.

But he couldn't help but wonder if it had been the right thing to do. A memory was precious. It belonged to the individual. But who was he to judge?

It was not all white or black ... Everyone could commit acts with good intentions.

What was most difficult was that Wing seemed sincere when he said that he felt no pain.

"... If you feel ... but ... you know that I will not judge you if you feel otherwise" declared Father John.

"... Please, Father John. Don't ... don't tell me how I should feel, or how I should behave."

Father John felt a tightness in the heart.

In view of their attitudes, it felt like the human was the one who had lost a child. He felt sorry. For Wing, for this little Cybertronian named Heavenlight who had endured such pain and who had been forgotten.

But Wing was right. He shouldn't tell him how to behave.

"…Excuse me."

"No. Father John ... Forgive me. I know ... you are worried about me."

Father John felt a slight jolt under his feet. Wing had lowered himself towards him. He guessed that he had put his hand on the ground.

Without a word, the human guided himself to walk up to it. Then he felt it take off from the ground.

Wing had apparently driven him close to his face. Father John sat down against the surface which was clearly the thumb of the Cybertronian.

"It's… it's good that you do not resent your friends as much" said Father John. "They only wanted your happiness and they thought they would make the right decision. It is obvious that Drift cares deeply for you."

"I know. They are my family. And I tell myself ... that there is no point in blaming them. What is done is done."

They couldn't change much.

"…I'm afraid."

"You are afraid?"

"I'm afraid ... I'm afraid of losing another person. To no longer remember them. To feel no pain about them because I don't know them. I'm afraid ... that it will happen."

Despite what he said, it affected Wing more than he let it appear.

Father John gently stroked the Cybertronian's finger.

"I understand. These are your memories. Someone touched it."

"…I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to lose someone I love and act like they didn't exist."

He could have felt Wing's lips quiver.

"… Like Drift… like Outrigger… Like Gasket..."

Then he added.

"… Or you, Father John."

The human straightened up.

Wing kept on, embarrassment evident in his tone.

"I ... I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you and ... not remembering you. I will refuse it. I should have refused to let them erase my memories of Heavenlight but ... I know now that such a thing has already been done ... I would refuse to have my memories with you erased. Getting you erased from my memory. I know ... that I wouldn't bear it."

Father John could only smile sadly.

"... You won't lose me, Wing. I promise you. As long as I don't lose you."

"I will not abandon you, Father John."

Then he told this sentence.

A sentence that Father John had waited for without realizing it.

"… For me too, you are a precious friend to my spark."

He knew it. He would have been overjoyed ... without that bitterness surrounding them.

Despite everything, Father John hugged Wing's finger against him.

"It's reciprocal."

They stayed together in this position for long minutes. Father John felt Wing's almost gasping breath.

"... I feel like my spark is feeling a little bit of pain ... but I don't feel it myself" Wing said. "My head, my memories do not let me feel these emotions."

"You miss Heavenlight."

"But I don't realize it."

He was in denial, Father John thought.

And soon, this denial would turn into something else ...

They were cut by a clearing of throat behind them.

"... Dai Atlas has just contacted us" informed Outrigger.

"... I don't want to talk to him" Wing replied. "Not now."

It sounded to surprise Outrigger.

For good reasons.

"But Wing—"

"I've been enough of a disappointment in his optics."

That's not true, Father John wanted to tell him.

But Outrigger seemed to have understood the message.

Silence soon fell again.

Father John in servo, Wing waited outside for communication with Dai Atlas to end.

He heard a vibration noise in his audios. He understood that someone was trying to comm-link him.

Drift, he guessed. He wanted to speak to him.

Wing didn't pick up. He wanted to ... but right now it felt like a huge weight was surrounding his whole body.

The white bot wanted to be left alone. He wanted to be with himself. But he knew they had no time for that.

They had already failed to keep two artifacts… there were two left.

Wing simply waited for the conversation to end. Then he joined the group inside.

Outrigger gave him a worried look, to which Wing replied with a light hug at the end of his free arm which did not hold Father John.

"... Dai Atlas regrets the Arkus incident" Bumblebee told him grimly.

"…An incident ? To put it mildly" sighed Arcee.

"We must not give up" replied the yellow bot. "We don't have time for this."

"No time?"

Arcee straightened up.

"A City has been destroyed, remember! Thousands of residents have lost their homes! And most of them lost their lives! Because of them! Because of Decepticons! And you ask us not to let go?"

"Arcee… come here," Cliffjumper whispered before hugging her.

Bumblebee closed the optics, thoughtful.

"I know ... but time is running out. We need to find the last two artifacts before they get their hands on them."

"…The next one?" Wing questioned him wearily.

The yellow bot took a while before responding.

"… The Hand of Mortilus."

"What is his power?" Karan asked.

"... The artifact reveals the future."

The Cyclops crossed her arms.

"... Well, it's cool then! Could I ask it to reveal my future job to me? And if I would be bonded with sparklings! This will allow me to stop my existential crisis."

"Do you think we have time to laugh?" growled Arcee.

"We need it sometimes."

Wing shook his helm.

It sounded simple ... but it was never simple with the artifacts.

"I'm volunteering," said Outrigger.

"…No. I refuse" Wing replied.

The young bot frowned.

"But Wing… I can participate. You have already contributed for three artifacts. You and Rung can rest."

"I agree" added Bumblebee. "Especially after what happened at Arkus, you have all the rights. Your bodies will not be able to withstand such pressure."

Wing glanced at Outrigger, then at Karan.

It is true that it was tempting ... that he had every right to rest, to take a break. Especially after Drift's revelations.

But ... if he'd had a daughter, if Heavenlight had stood in place of Outrigger, he would have done everything to save her from the dangers of artifacts.

And then ... if he paused now, he wouldn't be able to continue. And the quest for artifacts would make him think of something other than missing memories.

"…I know. But I insist."

"Wing ..."

"It'll be fine for me, Outrigger."

He gently stroked the top of his helm.

That would work fine for him ...

"... In that case, I'm coming too" Rung offered.

"Rung. You're not in good shape either" said Arcee.

"…I feel a little better. I can continue."

Wing gave him a slight understanding smile.

He didn't want to give up either.

"… Where is the Hand of Mortilus? What did Dai Atlas say?"

Outrigger hesitated before responding.

"… It is on a planet called Frayus, in the region of Benzene Cluster."

"… A planet full of organic lives?" asked Wing.

"That's it."

Father John also raised his voice.

"... Organic? Like ... like humans?"

"Yes, indeed," replied Bumblebee.

"And oxygen is possible on Frayus?"

Bumblebee frowned in turn.

"I see where you're coming from, Father John. But it's too dangerous for you."

"I'm just thinking that ... if oxygen is possible, I can accompany you, right?"

Wing understood what he meant.

He wanted to come with him. Support him.

No. It was out of the question. Father John had done enough.

"… Father John. You have your tasks here on Earth" said Wing softly. "Remember."

"Wing ..."

"I am touched by your request. But ... your church needs you. Your parishioners need you. Mary needs you."

Wing lowered his head to whisper in his ear.

"And ... like I said, I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to risk your life for me, Father John."

It didn't matter how much he needed it... how much he needed him right now ...

He must not forget what had happened with the Crown of Solomus.

He did not want Father John to put his life on hold for him.

"… I don't want to forget you."

Gently, he put the human back on the ground before straightening up.

The human was worried. He felt it. But he couldn't accompany him.

Wing had to prioritize his safety.

"… Is it your decision? Rung? Wing?"

Wing and Rung exchanged glances before replying in the affirmative.

"... In that case" said Bumblebee, "I'll go too. We will be leaving this evening."

"Very well."

Wing walked over to Outrigger to hug him tightly.

And this time, Outrigger did not complain. It was as if he understood that something had happened.

"… Wing?"

The white bot turned to Father John.

"... Don't bury everything, Wing. Listen to your emotions. Don't blame yourself for something you're not responsible for."

"…I know it."

Little Light…

Even if he didn't remember Heavenlight ... he could at least try to keep others close to him from following a similar fate.

Yes… he could try. Maybe that would lessen the void he felt right now.