A/N: So sorry I haven't posted for a while. Something really nice happened actually. My husband took me on a surprise trip to London for our anniversary without the kids, and it was amazing. It's officially one of my favorite cities now, and I'm pleased to say that it gave me a lot of inspiration for a Christmas story. I'm going to start writing that now, and it maybe means that updates on this one will be a little less regular than normal. It's only for December though, and I hope you'll like the other story so much that it won't bother you too much. Much love x Milou.

Thirty-nine: Information.

It has been a long time since I've felt as defeated as I'm feeling right now. I feel as if I've survived a fall off a cliff even though all the bones in my body are broken. My head hurts since Sunday morning, the sting that's there just doesn't go away no matter how many painkillers I take. I've been crying more hours of the day than not and to add to the drama, I woke up this morning to my face plastered over every local tabloid and paper.

I knew that the students and colleagues would react to it, it's the fucking reason I seriously thought about calling in sick, but since I, for some fucked up reason, couldn't handle not seeing Christian, I went anyway.

My colleagues had the decency to not ask about anything they've read. They looked, of course, and Kate asked if I was okay, but other than that, the stares were the worst they did. I can handle that.

Mr. Brown came to me after his morning talk, and asked if I was okay as well. He also advised me to try and teach as normal as possible. He figured that if I didn't show anything, the students wouldn't dare to ask.

He was so wrong.

I knew that the terrors would be the worst since things like this seem to be what they live for. Add Christian, who has basically threatened to make my life a living hell now that I've told him that I can't see him anymore into the mix, and you have a complete drama class.

To make everything worse, I was late because I needed another shot of caffeine. I looked like a lost, broken girl by the time I ran into the classroom where the students were already waiting for me.

Leila was obviously on a mission to make my day even more horrible than it already was, and she succeeded. She surprised the hell out of me when she mentioned Colton's affairs, but without knowing it, she also made me realize that I'd made the right decision to end things with Christian.

I suspect that Christian told Leila about how Colton cheats on me. It hurts like hell to even think about it, and a part of me can't believe it because I really trusted him, but there simply isn't another way she could know.

Christian is the only one outside of my family and Kate that knows about Colton's affairs, and I know they haven't told her.

The only other way that she could've found out, is by hearing Christian and me on the day I threw them both out of my classroom. Though if that was the case, she would've had a lot more against me than just the affairs of my husband, which is why I know she didn't overhear us.

Leila's own explanation when I asked her about it was another thing that confirmes my thoughts about Christian a little more. She shrugged it off by telling me that she was just guessing. The more I asked, the shorter her answers got, but her story didn't change. It's frustrating as hell but in the end, I let her go with the pathetic punishment of another early duty at Barney.

They're probably all laughing at me.

"Hey," Kate calls from the door. "Wanna grab a quick bite at Rosita's before the meeting about Amsterdam starts?"

Jesus, I completely forgot about that.

"Sure," I sigh. Being out if this building for an hour will do me good.

"I'll grab my stuff," Kate smiles before she disappears again.

I grab my purse and put on my coat before I head to the classroom next to me. Rosita's is just five minutes from school which means we can walk. It's not raining and the fresh air might help with clearing my thoughts.

"Were they horrible to you?" Kate asks when we walk down the hall to the exit.

"Not all of them," I mumble.

"The terrors?" Kate asks knowingly while we walk through the doors.

I nod my head and wait until we're off the school property before I speak again, so I know for sure that nobody can hear us.

"Leila mostly. She really hates me."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Ana, she hates everybody. And everybody hates her. Even her classmates. Have you seen how they react to her? The other day, John nearly flew over his desk to attack her because she was pushing his buttons. It took everything in me to stop him."

I snort and see that Kate is smirking as well. I'm so happy that we can talk like this to each other.

"She made a comment about Colton's affairs, in front of the whole class. It caught me off guard," I tell her.

"How did she know? Is it in the papers?"

I shake my head. "No. I have no idea how she knows."

Since I haven't told Kate about what has been going on between Grey and me, outside of the fact that he picked me up that night, I don't mention how I suspect that Leila might have heard it from him. Kate, however, asks about it herself.

"Have you told Grey anything about that?"

When I don't answer right away, I hear her sigh. When I look at her, I can tell she already knows the answer, and she is looking at me as if I'm crazy.

"Please tell me you told him the night when he dropped you at the OMC?"

"Not really," I mumble, and as a reaction, Kate curses under her breath.

"Do I even want to know more or shall we just ignore this whole subject?"

"I've been seeing him, "I whisper. For some reason talking about it seems necessary now that I've talked to Hannah. It felt good to tell her, also because I knew she would set me straight.

Although I don't know Kate for that long, I have become closer to her in the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it's because I've never experienced a real friendship before up until her, but I feel like I can trust her. She hasn't said anything about what happened the night that Christian picked me up to anyone which makes me think that she's trustworthy.

Kate abruptly stops walking, her eyes wide as they plead me to tell her that I'm joking. "In class, I hope?" She asks, her voice high.

"And outside of it," I mumble while looking at my feet. I don't dare to look at her, because I know judgment is written all over her face.

"You are insane."

It's a statement. And Kate sounds determined. There is a no-bullshit tone hidden in her voice, and it makes me believe that she is right.

"I know. I ended it this weekend."

When I lift my head, I'm just in time to see Kate's eye-roll. "No offense, Ana, but you've already promised me something like that before. And apparently, it didn't stop you from doing things with him."

She waves her hand around to cover said 'things'. Unlike Hannah, Kate does look disgusted and I have to admit that it hurts. It hurts in more ways than one, but it also makes me realize that this is the look that people will give me when they find out.

Disgust will cover their faces. Disgust is what they will think of me. And even though I know deep down that if I'll explain everything, it might not be as disgusted as they think, they will not give me the chance. They won't listen, because I'm his teacher and therefore the one that should have known better.

"Why did you end it?" Kate demands after a short silence.

"It's such a mess, Kate. My sister in law caught us at her house. She was supposed to be away until twelve, but she and my brother came back early. Christian hid in the sheets and she didn't saw his face, but they know that I've been seeing someone. My brother is furious because of it. And it all made me realize that we couldn't continue, so I told Christian that. He didn't take it well at all. He basically threatened to make my life a living hell at work."

I'm rambling through the story so she can't stop me mid-sentence. I want her to know everything before she reacts.

"Jesus Christ, Ana. He was with you? In your personal space?!"

I nod my head. "It was the first time. We first met at a spot near Lake Washington."

"How was he today? Did he give you a hard time?"

I shrug and move my hands over my face, trying to hide a few tears that have left my eyes. "He looked as if he wanted to murder me but he didn't really say anything. Leila did all the talking, and even though I can't believe he did it, the only way that Leila can know about Colton is because Christian told her."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that he told her?" Kate asks, disbelieve dripping from her tone.

"I just can't. I trust him. He was with me this weekend, and he just showed me a whole different side of him. I know it sounds stupid, Kate, and I know you can't believe it because you know what he is like at school, but he is different when we are alone."

"You are in love with him," she states, and my eyes widen at her determined tone.

"What?"

"You are in love with him," she repeats while she nods her head. "Jesus Ana, how can you let that happen?"

I'm at a loss of words. Since Hannah asked me if I was in love with him, I've been thinking about it. I've been asking myself that question the whole weekend, and I tried to be as honest as possible to myself.

Christian's reaction made me think as well. Am I ending it because I'm in love with him? Is that what scares me? Or am I really ending it because it's getting too dangerous?

The only honest answer is that I don't know. I feel things, but I don't recognize it. I've been in love before, with Colton, and it didn't feel like this. And the fact that I'm scared shitless about what's happening outside of the little bubble Christian and I created, doesn't help at all.

"I'm so confused, Kate. I didn't mean for this to happen at all. I needed this job so bad. I didn't take this job to get it on with a student," I tell her honestly, and to my surprise, I feel her arms around me just a second after the words have left my mouth.

"Of course you didn't," she mumbles against my head. "You would be crazy to do that in your position. Being famous and all."

I roll my eyes at her comment, but otherwise, stay silent. I'm not sure what to say anyway.

"What are you going to do now?" Kate asks when she pulls back from our hug. She doesn't look as angry as moments ago, and I'm relieved because of it.

"Focus on my divorce and stay away from Grey," I tell her determinedly.

She rolls her eyes and almost snorts mockingly. "Right. Good luck with that. In a few weeks, you're sitting on a plane to Amsterdam with him."

"Which is why I told Brown that I don't want to go. He just really wants me to go, and that is making all this even more fucked up because I'm afraid he will hold it against me if I still decline."

"Do you know who signed you in already?" Kate changes the subject while she starts to walk again.

"No. I didn't really think about it that much, to be honest. It doesn't really going to change anything anyway."

"What if Grey did it?" Kate opts.

I roll my eyes. "Right. How would that even be possible?"

"He did some impressive shit before. It wouldn't surprise me."

"Okay, but why would he do it?" I counter.

Kate looks at me knowingly and I hold up my hands in defense. "He wouldn't."

"He is eighteen, has raging hormones that probably burst his pants and he's been screwing his teacher at some hidden spot at Lake Washington. He would, Ana. Trust me. He would."

"What about José?" I counter, desperately trying to get the attention away from Christian. "He tried to flirt with me a few weeks ago. It freaked me out a bit."

"That's José for you. He did that with me too before I told him I am gay. He is awkward but harmless. Besides, what would be his motive? Grey has a motive, Ana."

I sigh and roll my eyes yet again. "It doesn't matter, the fact remains that I'm on that list and Brown wants me to join no matter what."

"But don't you want-" kate starts, but she's cut off by my phone that goes off.

"Just a sec," I tell her as I grab my phone out of the pocket of my coat, seeing Taylor's name on the caller ID.

Kate nods and then walks the few steps to the door of Rosita's. "I'll get us a table."

I nod and watch her walk inside before I pick up my phone. "Hi, Tay."

"Ana," Taylor answers, his voice rushed. "We have a situation. Where are you?"

"I'm about to have a quick bite with Kate, we have a meeting at school after that. Why?"

"We've got word back from Colton's lawyers. They are not pleased with the pictures that were published of you looking for houses. Colton's going to make this divorce a lot harder, Rabbit."

I feel the blood drain from my face even though I'm not surprised by what Taylor tells me. I knew that Colton wasn't going to just agree without a fight, but hearing Taylor say it as a fact, makes everything more real. It's frightening.

"How?" It's the only thing that comes out of my mouth. It's the only thing I can think of right now. I haven't asked Colton for anything in my terms, so I genuinely don't know what he can refuse me.

"He claims that he is getting calls of a lot of papers with questions about your marriage and why you are looking at apartments. He states that they all think that he is the bad guy, and they threaten to publish it exactly that way. Someone has tipped the paps off when we were at the hospital that night, and even though they don't have pictures of us leaving, they still can make a story around it. If that happens, Colton fears that it will have drastic consequences for his image and therefore his business. He will find a way to blame you for that. Or worse, turn it around so they'll think you are the bad guy instead."

"Tay, how will he be able to do that? I didn't talk to the paps. I'm not the one who tipped the papers off. I didn't have anything to do with it, and if it comes to this, I can tell everybody what he did to me. I pressed charges for God's sake."

"But do you want that, Ana? Do you want that kind of attention? All you wanted was to keep things small and quiet, and right now, it looks like that's off the table. You need to understand the consequences of that. For your job, your family, other things," Taylor explains, mumbling the last part. I know he means the guy they caught me with, but I choose to ignore his tone for now.

"Then what do you think I should do?"

"I'm not sure, Rabbit. I just got all this information and I haven't had the change to look into it properly. I'm calling you now because I wanted you to know. I think it's best to meet up with Fordham and Benson as soon as possible and see what they think."

I sigh and rub my eyes. Every time he mentions Fordham and Benson, I feel anxious. It's all so real when they are around, and it scares me. I just wish this could all be simple.

"Okay," I answer. "Can you arrange an appointment? I'm free every night this week."

"I will," Taylor replies. "How late will you be home?"

"Not sure. We have a meeting at seven. I'll text you when I leave work."

"Be careful, Rabbit. I don't trust Colton, and now that he has broken the silence and I know his intentions, I'm not sure what lengths he will go through."

"I'll be careful," I mumble, thinking over what he just said. I don't trust Colton either, and although I doubt that he will just randomly come to me, I understand why Taylor worries.

"Good. See you later." The call disconnects before I have time to say goodbye myself which shows that Taylor is indeed busy and rushed.

And because of it, I can't help but feel rushed as well, even though I really don't have a clue what to do right now. The only thing I know is that Taylor would never act like this if it wasn't serious.

"We have rooms in the hostels until Thursday morning. We have to check out around twelve and be at the airport at one. We'll be going with public transport again, just like on Monday which is why the chip cards will come in handy."

Mr. Brown has been going through the program for the last twenty minutes, and I have to say that it all sounds amazing. They will go to every historical building and museum in Amsterdam, including the Anne Frank House and the Rijksmuseum. The more Brown talks about it, the more I'm dreading to tell him that I can't join them.

Taylor's phonecall is only increasing that feeling too. I keep going over everything that he's said, and the more I do so, the more I seem to find going to Amsterdam a good idea, even though I am well aware that it is the exact opposite.

"Now, as you all know the troublemakers are joining us as well. Tomorrow evening we have an information night for the seniors and their parents, and we will inform them about the strict rules we have for them. We will go through the museums and streets in groups and the troublemakers will have two teachers that'll accompany them per group instead of the normal one that the others have. I have made a list of that grouping," he says as he motions to the digital board behind him, where a list of names appears.

Without searching I see my name. It's written above the first group of students, along with José's. Underneath our names, the names of six students are written, and my heart drops when I see the last one.

"Oh dear," I hear Kate mumble next to me, and without looking at her I know what she is talking about. "Talking about unfortunate matching."

Anastasia Davies and José Rodriguez:
John Flynn
Sara Wellington
Max Siegrid
Luna Evans
Shailene van der Bilt
Christian Grey

Out of all the teachers and students, Brown manages to not only team me up with the one colleague that makes me uncomfortable as fuck, but also with the one student that I'm not supposed to be near to.

And you would think that this is the final push that will help me with telling Brown that I won't go on this trip. You would think that it makes everything crystal clear and that telling Brown would be easy now that I have this information.

But instead, having Christian this close to me while we're in Amsterdam, considering there are six other people around us and even though we aren't on speaking terms at this point, that idea is too tempting. And instead of it being the reason not to go, it seems to turn into the reason that I am going anyway.