Pieces
Chapter 40
Kitatanya
A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT! Again, my loves, it has been far too long between chapters. I deeply apologize. I won't say more here. The journey awaits!
Read on, loves!
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Night had long since fallen. Jasper was exhausted and happy as she sped through warp space with an equally exhausted Peridot at her side. She'd scarcely had a moment to warp home and spend time with Lapis in the past few days, but she'd felt the same burning urge to finish their task as much as the other Crystal Gems. Steven had stayed the past few nights at the barn with Lapis so that he wouldn't be alone as he slept, while she and the others had warped and traveled to place the devices all over the globe. Each of the old transmitters and receivers had been replaced with the newer, more efficient models and Peridot and Pearl had led them all in a cheer as their newly constructed computer had blinked on to to reveal data already pouring from each of them. The network of transmitters was at last complete and they could all finally relax again. Steven was happily back in his own bed and Jasper couldn't wait to be back in hers with Lapis in her arms.
"You know, for being a construct who doesn't actually need to sleep, the urge to do so is surprisingly strong once you get used to it." Peridot yawned as they appeared at their destination.
Jasper chuckled and fought a yawn of her own as she hopped lightly down from the pad. "It surprises me sometimes too, but I like it now."
Peridot hopped down beside her and they started towards the barn. They walked in comfortable silence. The brisk, gentle breeze left Jasper feeling a little more invigorated than she had before they'd arrived. She looked up to the sky, enjoying the sparse and wispy clouds that hung like a pattern of thin gauze below the glinting stars. The moon was a bare sliver in the sky and their glittering points seemed all the more radiant in contrast. It was a beautiful night.
As they neared the cheerily lit barn, Jasper could hear the faint sounds of music from Lapis' phone, Lapis' laughter, and a happily yipping Pumpkin. The warrior gem smiled at the happy sounds. Pumpkin, as always, sensed their approach and came bounding through the open door. The orange creature made a beeline for Peridot. The green gem had grown accustomed to the greeting and kneeled just in time to catch Pumpkin before the enthusiastic orange bundle could knock her to the ground.
Some of the tiredness left Peridot's eyes as she greeted her. "Hey, girl." She murmured softly, stroking her all over while simultaneously stopping her licking. Pumpkin seemed to sense the green gem's tiredness, because she calmed and simply arced against her, purring.
"Welcome home." Lapis called softly from the doorway. Her tone was full of happiness.
Jasper felt her heart swell at the sound of her voice and turned to send her a happy smile. "Glad to finally be back." She called softly. She glanced down at Peridot and stooped to pet Pumpkin as the affectionate creature came to greet her. "Want to come in for a minute?"
Peridot yawned and shook her head. "I think I'll just go on home. There's still a lot of work to be done and I need to be firing on all cylinders." She answered, standing. "I'll see you later, Lazuli!" She called to the slender gem in the doorway.
"Good night, Peridot." Lapis called back.
With a final wave, the green gem patted her leg to signal Pumpkin and started back to the warp. Jasper watched her go, wondering for a moment whether or not she should offer to walk her back. Her exhaustion seemed to hit with an even greater force at the thought and she decided against it. Peridot would be fine. Besides, Lapis was waiting for her. She looked back at her home and saw Lapis still standing in the doorway, framed in the light from within. The light breeze was still blowing, stirring her dress and hair lightly. She was stunning.
The warrior gem took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of contentment that the mere sight of Lapis could bring, and walked towards her. Lapis simply stood there, watching her, her smile happy and content. There was again that something in her eyes, beneath the affection and happiness sparkling there, that made Jasper's heart begin to pound. Her frazzled mind could make no sense of it, but it made her happy all the same.
The slender gem stepped out to meet her and Jasper drew her into a soft hug, lifting Lapis off of her feet so that she could hold her close. Something inside the warrior gem fully relaxed as she breathed in Lapis' scent and simply enjoyed the feel of the slender gem in her arms. She closed her eyes and she let herself drift away for a long moment. She was home.
Lapis held her tightly, before pulling away. She looked into Jasper's eyes and the warrior gem felt herself blush as Lapis seemed to search for something there. Ever so slowly, the slender gem cupped her cheek and the warrior gem let her face press into her soft hand, eyes drifting shut again of their own accord as she let herself simply enjoy the soft touch.
"You look so tired." Lapis murmured softly. She didn't sound particularly unhappy, but there was definitely a hint of worry in her tone.
Jasper blinked her eyes back open and saw her pouting slightly. "I'm okay." She whispered back. "We finally got it done. We can rest."
The slender gem didn't move for a long moment, staring deeply into Jasper's eyes. The warrior gem felt a tiny tingle of embarrassment at the scrutiny. "You need to sleep." Lapis whispered.
Jasper smiled. "Well, I don't need to, but I'd definitely like to." She joked lightly. "But right now, I'm just happy to be home." She told her honestly.
The worry in Lapis' eyes faded into a soft delight. "I'm glad too." She pulled away and Jasper set her on her feet. Lapis reached out and took her hand. "Come on. Let's get you to bed." The warrior gem smiled at the soft order and let the slender gem pull her into their home.
She closed the door behind them and let Lapis lead her to the loft. Instead of letting them separate, Jasper drew Lapis into her arms again and lightly leaped up into their bedroom. "I'll get the lights and turn off the music." She told her.
The slender gem shook her head and pushed at her shoulder lightly. "You go lie down. I can do it."
Something in her eyes brooked no argument, so the warrior gem simply smiled again and did as she was told. As she stretched out along the covers, the music went silent and then, a moment later, the barn was plunged into darkness. A part of her tensed at the lack of light, but then she heard the sounds of Lapis moving closer and relaxed as the slender gem slipped into the bed beside her.
"Is the dark okay?" Lapis whispered softly.
Jasper hummed under her breath and pulled Lapis against her. "Yes."
The slender gem sighed softly and snuggled tightly into the warrior gem's chest as Jasper drew her closer, head pillowed on Jasper's bicep. Jasper let herself curl around the slender gem, wanting to be as close to her as possible. Lapis snaked an arm around her waist, letting their legs tangle together in the darkness. The warrior gem relaxed fully with a happy sigh of contentment.
Holding Lapis made all of her efforts over the last few days seem so small. All of her tiredness and aches were suddenly inconsequential. No matter what other good things came from fighting to protect Earth, and no matter how much she truly wanted other gems to have the chance she now had to live their lives the way gems only could here on this wonderful planet, this was what Jasper was truly fighting for; Lapis and the moments they shared together. It still astounded her how much she loved the gem in her arms. It was still so very wondrous that their dark past could have ever come to this. How had she lived so long without Lapis and the bond they now shared? It seemed impossible that she had never even glimpsed a fraction of the happiness that was now so great a part in every day of her life. And never could she have ever seen herself feeling the way she now felt about so many things.
She and the Crystal Gems were truly a team now. Even when they were working or fighting, the bonds she now shared with each of them were never strained or compromised. They were no longer gems she had been forced to accept or gems that had been forced to accept her. They were her friends now and she cherished each of them in her own way. And they seemed to feel that same way about her.
Jasper's talk with Pearl seemed to have a profound effect on the pale gem. It hadn't been Jasper's intention, but the pale gem had seemed to take her words about Amethyst's well meaning intentions to heart. Pearl had done her best not to be so overly harsh with her when their tasks had brought them together. The purple quartz had noticed her efforts and had tried her best to restrain herself from being so overly playful, displaying the facet of seriousness at her core. Amethyst was still a bundle of laughter and tricks, but she had worked just as hard as any of them over the past few days and had seemed to swell under the praise that Pearl had given her. With their bond rekindled and Jasper's new relationships with them all seeming to seal into something more real than ever before, their entire unit seemed to fall back into place and the warrior gem truly felt like a real part of it now. The few corruptions they'd faced had gone down with no trouble at all. Only once had the transmission been detected, and even then, it had only been a short burst that had burned like a comet in Jasper's mind, only to fizzle out a moment later. It had confused them all, but had only spurned them to work harder. The relative silence of the transmission as they'd set up their network had worried Peridot and Pearl, but both of them had also been thankful for the ease in which it allowed them to finish the monumental task. Jasper knew at her core that whatever was the source for the transmission was simply biding its time, and knew the other's knew it too, but she had been thankful as well; she knew that her mind was not yet strong enough to face its power. But, even if her mind was not yet strong enough to face it alone, now she knew that the Crystal Gems were willing to face it with her, no matter what it took.
Peridot had begun discussing a way to try to negate the transmission's effect on her. The warrior gem had no idea how the green gem planned to do so, but she was thankful that Peridot had thought of it while her mind was so focused on the task at hand. Jasper had not truly thought of asking for their help in dealing with the transmission's power before. Belatedly, she'd realized that even though she wanted to help each of them, she still was not used to the thought of asking for help for herself. It was something that she found herself struggling with and vowed to change that. If the Crystal Gems were truly her friends, then she need to be open with them about the things that could affect her when she was standing beside them in battle. She had to accept that asking for help did not make her weak, and instead gave the others a chance to work around what was affecting her and it would make them stronger in the end.
The multitude of thoughts came to a sudden stop as Lapis shifted against her. "Jasper?" She whispered softly.
"Yes?"
"What are you thinking right now?" Her tone was heavy with something Jasper couldn't interpret.
The warrior gem thought for a moment of brushing off the question with a lighter answer, but she sensed in that heaviness that the gem in her arms wanted the full truth. "About the fight for Earth. And the transmission." She answered.
Lapis made a small sound under her breath. "The one that makes you... lose control?" She asked softly, a hint of trepidation tinting the words.
Jasper nodded, though she knew Lapis couldn't see it. "Yeah. I've been talking about it with the others. Peridot wants to see if she can find a way to stop it from affecting me, but I'm not sure how she plans to do so." She sighed heavily. "It's been quiet lately, but we know that whatever is transmitting it is still there."
The slender gem hummed. "I wonder why it's never affected you here?"
The question pierced into the tired warrior gem's heart. The sudden thought of the transmission ever affecting her while she was near Lapis had her entire being recoiling in terror. She could be putting the gem she loved in terrible danger just by her mere presence! Why had she never thought of that before? The urge to run away roared to life inside of her.
She didn't realize she was pulling physically away from Lapis until the slender gem made a sound of protest and tightened her hold. "What's wrong?" She asked.
The warrior gem tried to push down her rising panic, but the thought of ever losing control of herself anywhere near Lapis was terrifying."I never thought about it affecting me here!" She cried. "I could be putting you in danger!" She pulled away again.
Lapis tightened her hold again, moving with the warrior gem as she tried to roll away. "Jasper, stop!" She cried. "Calm down!"
The warrior gem shook her head. "I don't want to risk hurting you!" Jasper growled back.
"You would never hurt me, Jasper!" The vehemence of Lapis' words cut through Jasper's panic. She stopped trying to move away and lay still in the darkness. She felt Lapis move and suddenly, the slender gem was sitting astride her stomach, holding her down. A moment later, the warrior gem felt a soft touch on her cheek. "You would never hurt me." Lapis repeated firmly. Her voice cracked and the warrior gem felt something hot and wet hit her cheek. Another followed and another.
Were those... tears? Jasper felt her heart constrict in her chest and had to swallow a sudden lump in her throat. Slowly, she reached up and found Lapis' cheek in the darkness. The wetness there ripped a sob from her chest. Lapis was crying. Jasper had made her cry. The warrior gem didn't want Lapis to cry, but how could she stay and risk the transmission's awful power affecting her here? She felt like a fool for never having thought of it before. When she thought of all the time she'd spent here and all of the times that the transmission could have ruined everything she wanted to protect, her heart felt like it would shatter.
"How can you say I would never hurt you?" She sobbed. "You don't know how badly it affects me, Lapis! You know what almost happened at the Kindergarten with Peridot and how badly Steven and the others have been hurt because of gems under the sway of it. How can you say I'd never hurt you, when I can't fully control myself under its power?"
Lapis was shaking above her, sobbing just as hard as she was. "Because you're you!" She cried. "Those gems out there aren't in their right minds! You only hurt Peridot because you were damaged! What happened in that Kindergarten was my fault, Jasper. I was the one that hurt you and made you less able to defend yourself! If either of us should be worried about hurting the other, we should be worried about me!" The desperate shout sent a bolt of another kind terror through the warrior gem's form.
"No!" She sat bolt upright, drawing the sobbing Lapis into her arms. The now hysterical gem tried to pull away from her, but Jasper held her tightly. "You didn't mean to hurt me, Lapis! You weren't in your right mind!" She shouted.
"And how is that any different than the thought of you hurting me because of this transmission?" The slender gem shouted back.
Again, the warrior gem was frozen as Lapis words struck another chord within her. She wanted to deny those words, but she found that she couldn't. Even if she viewed her own pain and well being far less than she valued Lapis', she knew that Lapis didn't want her to think that way. She knew how much guilt the slender gem still carried; it was the same guilt she still carried. They had hurt each other, badly, but the both of them wanted so badly to make it right... If she left now to protect Lapis, would she be giving in to that guilt? Would she be validating the dark thoughts she'd had before; that some hurts were too great to overcome? And if she left, wouldn't that mean she was giving in to her own darkness and accepting that she was not strong enough to overcome it?
She could not accept that. She couldn't. Giving in to her fears was not the way forward. Every part of her knew it to be true.
Lapis was still crying, clinging to her now and Jasper felt more of her own tears fall. Lapis didn't want to give in to that darkness. Lapis had suffered far more than she had and was still willing to fight for their life together. She was wiling to risk herself for this happy life just as Jasper was willing to risk herself for it. The thought of what the future might hold was still terrifying, but right now, in this moment, she couldn't feel anything but thankful for the fact that Lapis wanted her to stay. Just as before, when Jasper had broken the sculpture that Lapis had worked on so long and so hard, Lapis was fighting to turn it into something better. The warrior gem could suddenly see that her attempt to run was the truly foolish choice. How could she ever turn away from this?
"I'm sorry, Lapis." She sobbed. "I'm sorry. I was just... scared."
"Don't you think I'm scared too, Jasper?" Lapis sobbed back harshly. "Don't you think I have the constant fear that I might lose control one day and hurt you again? That I might hurt Steven or Peridot or anyone else? Something inside me is broken, Jasper. And it hurts. It hurts so much!" Her voice was full of so much pain that Jasper felt her already tearing heart wrenched further. She could do nothing but hold Lapis tighter still as she continued to speak. "The only time I don't feel broken is when I'm with you! And I feel so selfish for it, because you're the one I hurt the most!" She cried, voice ragged with her tears and and agony that cut Jasper to the core. "I don't want you to go, Jasper. If you go... how will I see the light?" The last words were a breath of pain in Jasper's ear.
If Jasper had felt like she was breaking before, that one last desperate plea from Lapis was her undoing. She screamed, body bowing over Lapis' in her arms. Lapis bent with her, holding her so tightly that Jasper felt as if she'd never let go. Lapis' sobs wracked her entire form and the warrior gem was just as lost in her own tears. She had never felt so lost and so at home as she sat there in her bed with the gem she loved and screamed her pain into the darkness around them.
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Jasper awoke with a start, her entire body aching. When had she fallen asleep? Above her, she felt Lapis stir. Sunlight was pouring in through the windows of their home and, as Lapis sat up above her, eyes heavy and swollen, the warrior gem remembered the awful events of the night before. Apparently, they had cried themselves to sleep. Lapis looked just as exhausted as she felt and the warrior gem felt a surge of guilt. A pang of renewed sadness made her stinging eyes water once again. Lapis blinked down at her, her expression tender and sad. As Jasper saw more tears shimmer into Lapis' eyes as well, she reached up without a word and drew the slender gem back down onto her chest, holding her tightly.
Their tears this time were not so great as they had been last night. Somehow, these tears felt... lighter to Jasper, like they were pulling the sadness from her with every painful drop. It wasn't long before Jasper felt Lapis slowly begin to calm too. Silently, they lay there, simply holding each other. The warrior gem knew there were things she needed to say, but she found that the words wouldn't come. Her tears seemed to have pulled more than sadness from her as a numbness settled into its place. She didn't want to sleep, but she had no desire to move. She had no idea if Lapis had fallen back asleep, but found that she didn't have the strength to check. There was nothing but the numbness and the knowledge that no matter what else was happening, Lapis was in her arms, safe. That one fact seemed to be all she needed in that moment and she was too tired to question it.
Then, as if to mock her, Lapis' phone chimed from its place beside the television. Steven was the only one who ever messaged. Did they need her again today? A wave of despair quickly replaced the numbness in Jasper's soul. She did not know if she had the strength to face the world today.
Even admitting her moment of weakness to herself made her hate herself, just a little. No matter how broken she felt, she had made an oath to Earth and to herself. She had to go.
Lapis had gone rigid above her. As Jasper tried to find the motivation to move, she heard the slender gem let out a low growl into her chest. The dark sound sent Jasper's heart stuttering to a stop. Slowly, Lapis sat up, every controlled motion betraying a sudden anger that left the warrior gem frozen on the bed beneath her. There was a dark fury in the slender gem's eyes that sent tingles of terror roaring through her. Why was Lapis suddenly so furious?
"You are not leaving today." The firm words were almost a snarl. The warrior gem said nothing and simply lay there as Lapis coalesced her wings and lifted off of her with one strong wing-beat. She flew to her phone and picked it up, hovering as she read the message, and then dialed Steven's number. "Hi, Steven." She greeted, her tone dripping with barely concealed rage. "No. Jasper can't come today. She needs to rest." Without waiting for a reply, she hung up. With trembling fingers she pressed the power button on the phone, shutting it off and then threw it back onto the box.
When she spun back around the warrior gem had to fight not to flinch away from the anger in her eyes. Lapis hovered there for a moment, still trembling violently. Jasper simply watched and waited. She had no idea how to react to Lapis' fury; what could she possibly say to calm her, without knowing the cause? Though she had tried not to show it, Lapis seemed to sense the struggle in Jasper's mind. With visible effort, she reigned in her rage and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. As she released it in a gusting sigh, she slowly lowered herself to the floor and folded her wings back into her gem. Slowly, every motion still tight and controlled, she walked back to the bed and sat heavily on the side of it, facing away from the still frozen warrior gem. For a few long minutes, she sat there, trembling. Jasper wanted to comfort her, do something to help her feel better, but she was still so very confused and frightened that she had no idea what to do.
"I'm sorry." Lapis said slowly. The apology was harsh, but Jasper could sense the genuineness in it.
"Why are you sorry?" She asked softly, finally finding the courage to roll over and face her.
"I just..." Lapis growled again, hands coming up to cover her face. "The thought of you leaving again after last night..." She sighed heavily, sagging further onto the bed. "You can go, if you want. I shouldn't have said no to Steven. I know that they need you and that you want to help them. I just... I know you're still tired and all I could think about was what happened when you went after Peridot. And how close you came to..." Her voice cracked and Jasper heard more tears in her voice. She could sit still no longer. Swiftly, she sat up and moved behind Lapis, wrapping her arms around the slender gem, wanting to comfort her. Lapis tensed for fraction of a second, before relaxing against her. "I'm sorry." She whispered.
Jasper held her tighter. "Don't be sorry. I... I didn't really want to go." She admitted softly. "I would have, if you hadn't said no for me, but I really didn't want to."
"Really?" Lapis asked tentatively.
"Really." She sighed. "You're right. I am tired. I wouldn't have been at my best today." It hurt to say it out loud, but the urge to reassure Lapis was greater than the pain of admitting her moment of weakness. "I'm glad that you told Steven no. Even if it makes me feel a little guilty not to go help them, I would have been putting myself and all of them at risk like this."
"Then why would you have gone if I hadn't stopped you?" A trace of anger and worry tinted her tone.
Jasper shrugged. "Because I'm a fool and I'm stubborn. You know that." She joked, trying to make light of stating her faults.
Lapis sighed again, relaxing more fully against her. "Don't I ever." She replied dryly.
Her response drew a chuckle from the warrior gem. The humor seemed to drain the last of the tension from the air and Jasper let herself relax fully too. All at once, her exhaustion returned with a vengeance. She tried to fight a yawn, but failed.
"Do you want to lie back down?" Lapis asked her once the yawn had finished.
The question sounded like music to her ears. "Please."
She shifted back onto the bed and Lapis moved with her until they were stretch out on the mattress once more. Much like they had last night before their conversation, Jasper drew the slender gem into her chest. Lapis nuzzled her face under Jasper's chin and the warrior gem let out a happy sigh as they settled. As much as Jasper wanted to lie there and enjoy the fact that she was still her and that Lapis was still in her arms, her exhaustion was simply too great.
"Thank you, Lapis." She murmured.
"No, Jasper. Thank you." Lapis murmured back.
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THANK YOU FOR READING!
I really am sorry, loves, for taking so long between chapters. I will be perfectly honest, this recovery is taking everything out of me. Finding the motivation to write has been... difficult to say the least. I am going to keep trying and I will update as soon as I can, so I thank you very much for your continued patience and support. You guys are fantastic. Truly. This journey is not yet finished and I look forward to seeing you all until the end.
As always, loves. Stay safe and read on. Ja!