January 1867
My eyes were fixed on the ceiling. I knew it was morning although it was still dark due to the winter sun, and my thoughts have woken me up before the rest of the compound. I couldn't hear a noise appart from the delicate breathing of my beloved Chizuru next to me. I wanted to take a look at her sleeping face but her head was turned the other way. What a pity. She was so adorable while asleep. Although i'm pretty sure she would be mad at me for mentioning it to her. She'd make that flustered red face i love so much and stutter with embarrassment. Maybe i should tell her, actually.
I passed a hand on her nagajuban and deposit a small kiss at the back of her neck before getting up. Staying here unable to sleep would risk her to wake up without getting enough rest. She'd sleep better without someone near her tormenting himself.
I put my kimono and scarf on before getting my sandals, at the corner of the room like always. I never did the same mistake as the first time when i left them outside. Carefully, i oppened the shoji to get outside and my eyes hurt from all the white i wasn't expecting to see this early.
It snowed. I glanced at Chizuru, peacefully asleep, and wondered if i should wake her up for her to witness the white courtyard, immaculate. She snored a little and i chuckled. The snow could wait. I closed the wood panel and took a stupid step forward to leave a print of my sandal.
Is love supposed to make me stupid ? Because i really think it's making me stupid.
I took a step back and sighed, looking at the roof. Best way not to leave prints in the snow but that could be slippery.
Seriously, the things we do for love...i thought as i started my ascent. I was sure-footed, relying on all my previous climbs as a spy and in no time, i was on the roof of the Nishi-Hongwanji. From there, i had a view on the snowy roofs of the center of Kyoto. I sat in the snow and witness the first lights of the rising sun. With all this white, the rays reflected everywhere, decomposing themselves in a multitude of colors. The sky, pink, purple and orange, was contrasting with the black and white that was there minutes ago. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, contrasting with the coldness of snowflakes landing on my face. When the sunlight started burning my eyes, i decided to move.
I started walking quietly to try to find my room and make some prints from there. I wasn't sure that anyone would pay attention to the prints in the snow but i wasn't willing to take the risk anyway. I got down at the entrance of my room and went in the courtyard.
Now that i wasn't stressed by my prints, i could appreciate the scenery before me. The snow was covering everything with a thin overlay. It wasn't the big snow where you could sink your feet in. It was the delicate one that you could just brush away from the leaves of a tree with a finger, delicate, fragile, nearly dead already. It was still a bit falling from the sky and i lifted my eyes to let some snowflakes land on my face again. The heat on my body turned them to water instantly and they rolled away like tears.
How ephemeral a snowflake can be...
It was a simple existence. Just like the cherry blossoms. Just like my sword. The kind of life i was aspiring to not so long ago. Maybe i was still aspiring to it, i didn't know but now, with Chizuru, i could have a glimpse of another possible way of living, with her. I always wanted to be a sword. A sword cut good or bad guys. It can be used to attack and kill or to protect and defend. It has no will, no emotions. What it's used for depends of the wielder. I wanted to be that to Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and the Shinsengumi, the ones who took me in when i had nowhere else to go. I wanted to become their best tool and make them ascend to greatness. Now, my love for Chizuru had spread doubt in my heart and mind. The Shinsengumi was still my number one priority but i was now thinking about marrying her, settle down, why not build a family. Sometimes, i caught myself wondering if our children would look like her, if they would have her strength... These thoughts were haunting me and i knew that i couldn't be a tool, a sword, and have a family at the same time. I'll have to choose and i was afraid of the choice i could make.
I heard some footsteps behind me and i turned around.
« Chizuru... You're already up. » i said.
Her eyes were sparkling with excitement, looking at the white courtyard and she smiled to me.
« My futon was freezing without my personal heater. » she answered playfully. « And i'm happy i got up to see this ! It's so beautiful ! »
I nodded, it was indeed beautiful. We didn't have much chance to see snow the past years and we didn't have anything more than a few snowflakes. It was possibly the first time for Chizuru to see the headquarters so white. She brushed her hand on a leaf and made the snow melt between her fingers.
« Do you want to play ? » she asked me.
« Play ? » i repeated, confused. Her question caught me off guard.
« Yeah like make a snowman or a snowball fight ! » she answered with excitement before calming down and blushing « sorry, maybe you think it's childish... »
« It's not childish » i replied « but i don't think there's enough snow for that purpose. »
She looked around her with disappointment before smiling again, hit by an idea.
« Let's make a snow bunny ! » she said
« A what ? » again, i was caught off guard by all this excitement. And what the hell could a snow bunny be ? I couldn't ask her though, she'll think i'm stupid.
« A snow bunny, you know, i used to make some for my father when i was a kid. You should have done some for your family too ! »
« I didn't. Or maybe i can't recall... » i replied with embarrassment.
« Wait here ! I'll make one for you ! »
« Don't bother yourself on my account... » i muttered but she was already gone, running all around the courtyard, seeking something. She had exactly the same excited look on her face as when she was grocery shopping and comparing every price of every product.
She came back shortly after and handed me her snow bunny. It was a single ball of snow with two red berries for the eyes and two green leaves for the ears. I took her hands in mine.
« I see... This is a snow bunny... » i said.
She chuckled gently and i felt that my mouth was agap, i closed it and smiled to her.
« Your hands are cold. You should warm them before getting frostbite. »
She blushed and dropped the bunny in my hands.
« See, it's starting already. » i said with a smirk.
« You're not funny. » she answered with a pout, her face even more red.
I had to be careful, I was turning into Souji. But the sight of her blushing was something i could never grow accustomed to. I wanted to see her react like this to me for the rest of my life.
« I accept your snow bunny. » i said gently and her smile came back. « Although I'm afraid it won't last long. » i added, sensing already it melt in my hands.
So ephemeral...
« Are you coming for breakfast ? I'll go help with the preparation. »
« I'll be there in a minute to help too. » i answered, still looking at the little ball of snow in my hands that was slowly melting.
She walked away and i brought the snow bunny near my room where i left him, as if he was guarding the entrance. I looked at it for a while. A single bunny with no other purpose than to guard, melt and die. I walked away, joining Chizuru and Inoue for the preparation of the breakfast.